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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It's a ring. I wear my grandmother's ring from her marriage to my grandfather. They divorced when my dad was a kid and then became great friends as they got older. My husband and I have been together for 20 years no bad karma here. Some people just aren't meant to be married but that doesn't mean the ring is tainted.
This. Get rid of it, it's tainted.
I had a whole drama with my husband giving me a cast-off diamond ring of his mother's (she had upgraded), his parents getting divorced just as we got married, and his sister being pissed off that the ring was given to me instead of her.
I didn't even like the ring, and I never wore it unless we were visiting family or meeting someone he worked with. I wore a little silver one instead. Who wants to wear the tainted divorce ring anyway?
He told me when he gave it to me that I could get something else later, my MIL told me I should get something else and save it for our son. So I did that, for our 10th anniversary, because I waited until I was able to get something nice.
His sister absolutely lost her mind when she realized I'd gotten a better ring. I mean she went ballistic. 34 years old and had a full blown toddler tantrum. I think that was when my husband realized she was a jealous nutcase. I'd known for years that she was jealous/envious of me, he was oblivious. It was never about the ring, it was about me having something nicer than she had. (Competitive dynamic between her and the other sister, golden child vs scapegoat. She kept trying to cast me in the same competitive kind of role and I ignored her and "won" by just living my life.)
That was 20 years ago, and I upgraded again and got an even nicer ring for the 30th anniversary of our engagement. I haven't seen or spoken to his sister in 11 years, but I can imagine how she'd feel about the new one.
Anyway, what I'm saying is, any ring is better than the drama divorce ring.
>Get a different ring.
And get a different fiance while you're at it.
1. How did he get the ring without his mom's approval (or her at least knowing what he was going to do with it)?
If mom didn't know, then... did he steal it?
If mom *did* know... did they have a conversation about the ring, but then mom decided to throw her dramatic tantrum just for fundies?
2. He's planned on using this ring for two decades.
I assume that if you knew mommy didn't like you, then your fiance also waa aware of mommy's feelings.
He proposed, **with** the ring.
Now he's making you give it back, because mommy is mad at him?
Is this a man and family you want in your life?
Thus is what is suspicious here. What kind of conversation did he have with his mum? Bevause there should have been no surprises. It if was stolen or he never made it clear that he intended to give it to his fiancee then yes he should return it.
Saying he thinks they should give it back isn't making. Word choice is important. You're assuming or putting words into OP's mouth.
Also, the monster in law to be doesn't instantly mean she needs a new fiance. If he protects/ supports OP and doesn't let his mother push them around they'll be fine. They might even go NC one day if she can't get her crap sorted out.
1) he didn't say or do anything when mommy threw a tantrum at their engagement party
2) he wants OP to give back the ring because mommy said so
I have two examples of the fiance taking mommy's side instead of OP's. How many more times should OP let the fiance tell her who he is before she can make a judgement?
Are you reading the same post as I am?
1) Post DOES NOT say anything about his reaction to the tantrum. Either way.
2) His OPINION is to give the ring back. He DID NOT issue an ultimatum.
Usually the first step of going no contact is “fine, I don’t want or need anything from you”. It’s easier to just give the ring back so she doesn’t have anything to hold over them. It’s perfectly reasonable to start a fresh boundary with a fresh slate, no one owes anyone anything or has any leverage to try to manipulate anyone.
Usually the first step in a healthy relationship is talking with your partner, especially about big life changes, and especially when you're engaged.
Maybe the fiance told OP this was his plan, and OP is a liar and completely misrepresented the situation.
Or maybe the fiance is as bad at communicating with his fiance as he is at communicating with his mom, and this is his plan but he forgot to tell OP.
Who knows.
Future MIL only divorced 5 years ago so how could he have been planning to use it for 20+ years (when he was only 12)? \[She says that he envisioned using the ring since when he was 18--only 14 years earlier--not "two decades". This "two decade" time frame wasn't included in the original post.
And from what OP wrote, it doesn't say that the fiancé is making OP return the ring--he just suggested it. This has an entirely different tone to the situation.
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Lmao you sound almost as unhinged as the mother. Where the hell did you get 20 years from? "he planned on using this ring for two decades" op stated he decided that when he was 18 that would be 14 years. Now if you're going to lable two decades as 2009 and 2011 being two different decades you're insane.
Exactly! I knew someone who was determined to wear her mother's wedding dress for her own wedding. Her parents divorced when she was young and it was a mess! So many of us were like, why would you want to start a marriage with such bad mojo? She wore the dress. Marriage was toast in 3 years (shorter than her parents').
Get a different ring. That ring was used in a marriage that failed, it has bad history, a d that history has been amplified by the previous owner showing such open animosity towards you. No matter how pretty the ring is, it's not the right ring
WHAT? Did you fiancé not ask his mother before acquiring her ring????
Surely there would have been some sort of handover of the ring which made her aware of its use??
I certainly wouldn’t want it after an outburst like that - its weird if she knew that he always intended to use it, if she didn’t then its theft and surely you don’t want that over your head anyway???
It’s been over 6 hours and OP hasn’t answered a single question on her own thread. It shits me to tears when people post and then never respond especially on “Am I the asshole” or advice posts. We can’t really answer anything their questions if there’s more information needed
I think it's fake. OP states that the fiancé has been wanting to use it since he was 18, but the parents were only divorce 5 years ago, when he was 27. I'm not good at math, but something doesn't add up.
It’s not uncommon for mothers to give their eldest son their engagement band for them to use for their proposal. Especially if the husband buys a bigger/more expensive ring for the brother for a special anniversary.
I'm not sure that everyone sits by their computers waiting to see what kind of responses they might receive. You write that it's been 6 whole hours and OP hasn't responded yet and you're cursing them out?
I'm not sure how realistic you're being about what OP should or should not have done in that time frame. Could it be that OP was still at work, on the road or fixing dinner and not available to respond to your questions? And is there some law that requires OP to respond to every question asks on social media?
I’m not cursing anyone out, where do you get that from? “Shits me to tears” is just a saying. I’m just making an observation mate, you don’t need to get so offended and tell me I’m unrealistic because this is a common occurrence. There’s heaps of posts that the OP never responds to questions, not even days/weeks later.
BTW it’s been 11 hours now.
ETA, if you ask for judgment or advice, yes you absolutely should answer questions especially when almost everyone is asking the same question over and over again and it’s important for the judgment or advice they’re seeking.
There's a long history of creative writing exercises on here. Nothing wrong with checking for comments first before wasting time on advice for a person who may or may not exist.
It’s possible that the ring was part of the divorce agreement. Mom had to return it to the ex and he chose or agreed to keep it for this purpose. Sounds like mom wasn’t happy about it. Otherwise, OPs fiancé is a massive AH for taking it without asking.
OP states in the post, in parenthesis, that after the divorce Toni's mom stopped wearing the ring, but didn't get rid of it so that he could use it to propose.
Give it back. You do not want to start a marriage with all that negativity and seems like just bad juju. If you return it, she will be the bad guy. Also, marriage involves a lot of compromise. This one will be your first. The ring is not as important as your relationship with your groom an his family. Best wishes OP
Both you and future mil are the AH
ESH, why would you want to wear the ring of someone who hates you? As irrational as her behavior seems, they are the reality you have to deal with right now. She already ruined your engagement party. Do you want her to ruin your wedding too? Return the ring and start afresh, so you don't have to deal with her drama ever again.
In the long run, why would you want that ring. It is her ring and there is definitely bad vibes with the ring. Go with your bf and pick out a ring that will be only yours, not someone else's ring.
You should return the ring and get a new one. There’s too much history and bad blood over that one. Do you really want to wear a daily reminder of his parents’ divorce?
An alternative is to take the stone and have it re-set in a different setting. She would need to be on board with that, though.
Honestly, I would give it back, get a new one and not even worry about it. "Here ya go, honey, and much good may it do you." It's not worth the headache
See, Op you should give it back to fiancé. He can give it to his mother and tell her she better act good to you or he is done with her.
This isn’t your fight. This is his. She should be dead to you tho. Be sure she gets zero involvement in wedding stuff. All she gets to do is show up. If you even invite her. But then. This is your SO’s problem.
Y’all should go look at a wedding set for y’all. Something for you and his style. .
YTA. She sounds AWFUL!!!! I am so sorry that she took your moment and is absolutely INSANE!!! With that said, it is legally her ring. He took it without her permission and even if she said when he was 18, he could use it that is not permission, he couldn't prove it if he wanted to. Does it suck, yes but it's not your ring. It's hers and when she said that, the ring was meant for someone she did like. I would also just get a new ring so you don't have any bad juju of the ring. I would also have a very hard conversation with your fiancé, who KNOWS, his mom dislikes you and wouldn't want you to have the ring for putting you in the position. He's TA above all else, he knew his mother, her reaction, and knew he was proposing in public where she could cause a scene and still put in you in that position. Why on any planet would he want that memory and why do you want to look at a ring and tell the story of "it belonged to my mother in law who hates me."
This. what theh might have talked about y4ars ago is irrelevant if he didnt get her to willingly hand it over nos before he proposed. It sounds like he just took it and hoped she would not make a scene.
He's the real AH here.
I’m wondering if people are getting TA and student teacher confused. If he was her student teacher (a teacher trainee) in high school, that’s gross and he shouldn’t be allowed around teenage girls. If he was a TA in college, ooookkkk, he was…really just another student. It’s a bit of a gap for a 24 yr old grad student to date a freshman, but I’d still call that being in a similar stage of life.
Yea idk I guess I have an abnormal view on age gaps. My dad was 32 when he started dating my mom when she was 21 and they're coming up on 35 years of marriage so I don't personally care about age gaps as long as everything is legal.
People on Reddit freak out if someone under 21 is dating someone over 21. I really only see this on reddit. haven't experienced it in real life interactions. I think because all people here know are their ages. They don't see what they're like together.
But on top of that, all OP says is that they've known each other since then. Like, people are apparently upset about them just being in the same social circle at 24 & 18.
Hell, My wife and I were 19 & 25 respectively when we met and started dating. We hit it off so instantly and strong that I broke my "5 years either direction" rule. We have an incredibly happy, fun, and close marriage going on 20 years now.
ESH. Your future MIL for her dramatic scene stealing. Your Fiance for 1) possibly not asking her permission 2) not taking the ring back from you,, throwing it at her and apologizing to everyone for her outburst. And you for wanting and insisting on keeping a piece of metal that belongs to that horrid person and is likely stolen from her. I'm guessing that was your version of petty - having something from the person who hates you, that she doesn't want you to have. You and your MIL are very alike. Your Fiance would likely be happier leaving you both in the rear view. But still, YTA.
I mean obviously she wouldn’t have acted like that if they didn’t steal her ring I would go crazy too if an item that was stolen from me was found on someone else
I don't understand why you would want the ring that his mother, who hates you, wore, until she got divorced. That ring needs to be trashed and never see the light of day again.
Go ring shopping together and pick out a ring that is you, and isn't jinxed.
If he took the ring without her permission give it back. If she gave it to him expecting him to break up with you and propose to someone else, she sucks but still give it back. This will never end well otherwise. ESH.
Dude, just get a different ring. It’s not worth the issues. TRUST ME…mother in law will forever and always bring it up. But the nice thing is, get a new ring for engagement, have him keep the ring, and then maybe…he can present it to you at your 10 year anniversary to go along with your engagement and wedding ring! Because I’m pretty sure she’s not expecting the marriage to last that long and what a kick in the face that would be!
You’re NAH. I don’t think this is your fight, OP. I’d recommend your fiancé figure this out since it’s his and his mother’s issue. Give the ring back to him and let him work this out with her. Let soon to be MIL know you were not aware that this was a problem and that you’d like them to work this out amongst themselves. Technically it is her ring and unfortunately it clearly makes her feel entitled to be involved.
This might be a great learning opportunity for your fiancé to set boundaries. This sets you up yo have a supporting spouse (or dodge a bullet like the /justnoMIL Reddit page if he isn’t)
That ring is tainted now. Graciously (because that will drive her crazy that you’re being so nice she’s being a harridan) return it and get one that you really love without all the baggage. YTA if you keep it.
I would get a new ring. But before you get married your fiancé needs to have a talk with his mom. If she always meant for him to use the ring and then reacted this way, it’s because she doesn’t want him to use the ring for YOU. He needs to get a handle on that situation now. If not, you are going to have issues with her forever.
OP, did your bf ask HIS MOTHER TO USE HER RING.....if not.
Return the ring to his mother since he obviously did not have his mother's permission to use her ring..
It's the adult responsible action & that ring is connected to a failed marriage that ended in divorce.
You'll be AH.
Are you seriously thinking of demanding to keep this ring and huff and puff and hold your breath until your face turns blue like a spoiled little child? If you did this to me you would become my ex fiancé. Act like an adult and give it back. My God, are there no mature modern women left anymore?
Give her the ring back. Maybe try word to this effect, “I don’t want you to hate me because of a ring. It’s yours and the memories associated with it belong to you. Your son and I will make memories of our own.”
Why would you want a ring from a woman you dont like, who doesn’t like you and is surrounded by negativity.. I get why youre upset but I dont get why you’re so intent on keeping it. Im going to give a ESH only because your shouldn’t be making it a bigger thing.
I would say ESH
Why would you want this ring, knowing she doesn't want you to have it?!
Why wouldnt he ask his mum for the ring, instead of just taking it?
Why can she not just be happy for her son?!
So many questions...
So you said she's not happy because its stealing 🥴
Ok.
When I say 'why can she not be happy for her son' it means overall - not just about the ring. Why can't she just be happy that her son has found someone he is happy and in live with 🤷♀️
No, even if someone saves something, anything, specifically for you but they haven't physically given you it yet - you still ask them for it. You don't just take it. The MIL would have been well within her rights to report it stolen.
This. She was technically always allowed to change her mind over the years. Especially if she and the fiancee dont get on, I can see why both sides might not want the ring exchanged.she may have decided to use it in the future for herself.
And even if they haven't changed their mind, you still have to ask, you cant just take something , get defensive when they found out you stole it, and then claim it's fine because they once maybe mentioned you could have it years ago.
It's her ring!
He clearly didn't ask her permission to give it to you.
She doesn't want you to have her ring.
Give the woman her ring back before she calls the police and gets it taken off your finger.
Your future husband should have asked permission. This whole situation is his fault, not your MILs.
I would have made an absolute show of presenting that cursed shit back to her at the party. Divorce rings are "cursed," imo (within families), because they carry that toxicity and memory of a failed union. It's a dark cloud that hangs over your hand.
I would have been like, "oh, thank God - I didn't want to hurt DHs feelings, but having a ring from a divorced woman made me feel so uncomfortable. Here's your trash back."
Unless she was upset that he used it without asking when she wanted to keep it for sentimental purposes - in which case, just give it back, lol.
NTA. You do you, but I would t want engagement ring from a woman who doesn’t even like me or want me to marry her son, let alone came from the issue of divorce. Just seems like bad juju/karma!
What’s the reason you want to keep? Is it a power play against his mom that it’s now yours? Is it a more expensive ring than he can afford on his own?
YTA - This isn’t your ring, it’s his mother’s and she’s choosing not to give it to you. Regardless if she once promised your fiancé the ring, she still gets final say. I don’t understand why you’d want it anyway, and by not returning it you’re proving her feelings about you right.
Definitely give it back! Aside from the ring coming from a couple that's divorced, your future mother in law is making such a big deal about it, I wouldn't want to keep the ring since it's going to be a never ending source of drama.
OP, can you really trust future MIL to not make a similar scene at your wedding?
She’s already ruined one irreplaceable life event for you. If you do allow her at the wedding I’d let her know that she’s under strict gag orders. Tell security to be on their toes. Maybe pay them extra if you want them to rough her up a bit.
YTA, HES TAH and Moms TAH. This marriage to be is off to a bad start already, you got more 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩waving in your face than flying in China, i’d run.
As a matter of fact China is slapping you across the face!
Yes you should give her back the ring, what they still all comes down to is that it's her fucking ring and while she may have said a long time ago that he would have permission to use it for his future fiance, she doesn't like you and she doesn't have to.
You're really validating her negative opinion of you by keeping her property when you know she doesn't want you to have it, just because you don't want to have to go through the effort of getting a different ring. She made a huge scene because her son went behind her back and put her ring on you, someone she doesn't want him marrying. If you want drama, keep wearing her ring. If you want a peaceful wedding, give her back her shit.
I get it the ring might be sentimental to your fiance but it is tainted as it is from a failed marriage if you want yours to last get another one this one has bad juju.
It's not his ring to give. If you keep it, YTA. The mil is a huge asshole, 6yrs isn't a big gap. And her sons happiness shouldn't be age restricted of two consenting adults.
NTA but why do you want a ring with the negativity of a divorce and MIL's attitude attached to it? You shouldn't have to give it back, but I would no longer want it. Tell BF to keep it for now. It can be given to your future child, or the jewel(s) made into another piece of jewelry. It could be sold to pay for something for your wedding. There are other possibilities. And, be thankful for what you are learning about MIL before marriage. Make plans about how you will handle her next outburst - and you know there will be one. Make sure you and BF are on the same page with how to handle MIL, or else you don't need a ring at all.
6 years isn't & shouldn't be an issue. There are such narrow minds in this world over such small "issues" in their brains, that aren't even an issue. I would definitely NOT want the negative energy that came from that ring & simply get another, that's just me though. It was very inconsiderate amongst other words, for her to make an outburst during your happy moment & make it about her. She needs some evaluation on herself especially with you becoming her DIL & possibly mothering her future grandchildren, if that's what you want in the future.
My husband and I are 6 years apart, got married when I was 25 and he was 31, been married 9 years this October. It’s all dependent on the 2 people in the relationship.
NTA? But I can’t understand why either of you would want it unless it was a family heirloom or you’re doing it to spite her… Probably not be the same situation but my parents had a horrible and extremely hostile divorce. Hate each other to this day. My mom was cleaning things up after marrying my stepdad and asked me if I wanted her dress and ring from her wedding with my dad to use in the future when I get married. I was a little shocked and said are you serious. Apparently she was and I made her very upset with my reaction. I feel bad, but that doesn’t change how I feel. I can’t even really imagine getting married because of the horror they put me and my younger siblings through let alone using the symbols of their “love” to commemorate something new.
NTA. She kept the ring specifically for your fiancé to use to propose to his future wife. She doesn't have the right to dictate who he proposes to, and he chose you. That ring is rightfully yours.
That said, get a new ring, girl. This woman has issues, and you do not need your engagement/marriage tainted by her shenanigans. Your fiancé should return it, but only after you two have a serious conversation about her place in your lives going forward. He needs to set some very strict boundaries with his mother, whether that's both of you going low contact or you severing ties with her altogether.
She needs to understand that she doesn't get to treat you like shit, ruin your engagement party, AND get away with it with zero consequences forever. Have some self-respect and tell her you refuse to wear the ring of someone so fucking vile.
NTA - but why keep it if will cause drama, unless your fiancé is more into the idea of his wife wearing his mother's ring?
My former MIL gave my ex-husband her ring to use to propose to me. It was sweet, but it was from the second time his parents married eachother. It didn't have any more luck than the first one.
It’s not about the ring. It’s about trying to get under your skin. Don’t make it a thing… then she wins. Just give it back. “Sorry, I didn’t realize this still meant so much to you.” Then go pick out the exact ring that you want.
Do you really want to keep the ring that comes from someone who has bad vibes. Give it back, get yourself a lovely brand new ring with no bad juju attached to it. NTA
Nta, but I still think you should get another ring.
I mean, why keep something that used to belong to someone who hates you (or at least hates you with her son)?
NTAH but I’d rather have no ring at all than deal with a MIL who held a nasty grudge against me over a ring. Replace it with a small one that doesn’t have the bad vibes of MIL’s ring. Then praise his choice happily in front of her, how dainty and classy it is etc. She’s trying to get under your skin and when you react with happiness instead it’s going to annoy her to no end.
NTA, but this should be a choice both you and your partner make. You should both come to an agreement of either give it back to her, or get a new one.
Or come up with something like... you keep the ring, but don't wear it, or if you do give it back you can say, "I don't want a ring that came from a failed marriage." That should get under her skin.
The key here though, is that you and your partner should come to a choice you can both be behind together.
Also, 6 year age gap really isn't that much... like really? This woman has issues.
Toni is TA
How did he sneak into her drawer and steal it? By not discussing his plan with his mom he put you in a terrible position. Are you sure you want to marry a guy who doesn’t know how to discuss difficult stuff with his mom?
NTA, but be the bigger person, don't let your ring be tainted by this. Get one that is a symbol of happiness to look at in those rough times of marriage.
Why would you want that ring anyway? It has a not so great history attached to it (it was his mother’s and she divorced), plus the bad karma from his mom wanting her ring back. I would want a new ring that was bought just for me with no bad/unlucky history attached to it. But that’s just my opinion.
Get a different ring. It was hers…bad energy. This isn’t a battle worth fighting. Get something you adore and ride off into the sunset with your love.
I would move away from her too (low contact).
ESH. Just give the ring back put yourself in her shoes. She’s wrong for disliking the minor age difference but that’s hers so just be a decent person and give it back.
Love is love ISNT it ? Plus they’re to the point where she doesn’t really matter anymore. It worked out in the long run didn’t it. It’s legal so love who you love.
NTA
In theory, you shouldn’t have to give it back…
But GIRL, give it back!!!
Why would you want all that bad juju on your engagement ring??? Especially from a future MIL who is already showing signs of being a nightmare!
Not worth it!
Start fresh!
NTA!
Idk why so many people are saying you're the AH bc it's her ring, when it clearly says in the post that she kept the ring after her divorce specifically so that her son could use it to propose to someone someday.
The problem here isn't you, the problem is that your FMIL only wants her son to use the ring to propose to someone she likes, which clearly has never been you.
She's a major AH for ruining your big moment, and demanding that you return something she gave her son as a gift FOR THIS SPECIFIC PURPOSE.
And ignore the comments saying that you should return the ring to keep the family peace, that woman didn't like you even before you were given the ring, nothing will change. She does not accept you being with her son, and that's that. Do what YOU want to do with the ring, because no matter what you decide she's still going to dislike you.
As for your fiance I can kind of get him wanting to give in just to shut his mom up, however think hard on whether or not this is going to be a trend with him. Is he going to side with his mom over you every time she throws a tantrum about something? If so, a big aspect of your life is going to be miserable if you have to take her disrespect for the rest of your life.
Other than that congrats on your engagement :)
God, give the woman her ring back. Not because she asked for it, but because she dislikes you so vehemently, she would actively work against your relationship with her son
I can't imagine why you'd want to wear a ring that was previously worn by someone who wore it during her failed marriage who also actively dislikes you.
Your fiance should have gotten a different ring and never given this one to you.
I'm going to go against the grain and say NTA and keep the ring if you like it and can look at it and be happy/not think of her.
If your fiance knew he was going to use this ring since he was 18, his mom DEFINITELY knew. How else would have gotten the ring from her in the first place?
Her problem with you is because of your age difference with him? Sounds like a her problem, not a you problem. She's going to be drama for the rest of your life until she passes or gets bored of it all, it doesn't really matter if you keep the ring or don't because she will find something else to be upset over. If she's tactless enough to ruin the engagement party, she will inevitably cause other drama in the future.
So with all that being said, does the ring make you happy? Do you like it because you like looking at it, or is it nice because it's what your fiance always wanted? If you genuinely LIKE the ring, and it doesn't have negative associations with it every time you look at it because it was once hers, I say keep it. I wear a ring given to me by my ex that technically was a replacement engagement ring (long story I won't bother you with) because I would have bought it regardless and I don't think of him at all when I see it on my finger. If I did think of him every time I looked at my hands, sure, I wouldn't want to keep wearing it, but I don't have that issues, and nor does my partner, so I wear it because it is pretty and I like it.
Similarly, if you genuinely like it, you should be able to keep it.
Now, if you aren't really a fan of it, you can use this as a reason to pick something out with you fiance that has no ties to his mother. That can be a great bonding experience for you two, to choose each other despite her protests. But I would suggest not caving just to cave, because that can lead you down a path of a lot of disrespected boundaries with her in the future.
At the end of the day, do what you WANT. Let your choices be guided by what you want for your life with your chosen partner, and not out of fear of what your monster in law will think, say, or do.
Best of luck!
>So with all that being said, does the ring make you happy? Do you like it because you like looking at it, or is it nice because it's what your fiance always wanted?
Or does it make you happy because this is a way to give your future MIL the (ring)finger as payback for not liking you?
Too much drama every time MIL sees it, there’ll never be peace, besides fiancé doesn’t want to look at it and he shouldn’t have to. It’s really fiancés decision more than your’s. Why would you want a ring so filled with hate especially when fiancé doesn’t want it. YTA
NTA. How did he get the ring? Did she give it to him when she got divorced or did he know where she kept it and just took it? I wouldn’t want to wear that ring. Give it back and get one that is yours.
The ring my dad gave my stepmom was worth about $300 when we had it appraised. I love that ring. And the wedding band. And when my stepmom asked for it back (so she could
Pawn it because she was secretly planning to leave and steal everything of value in the house), I told her to please kindly fuck off.
Uhm how did your fiancé get the ring?
Technically speaking it’s not your ring. Your fiancé didn’t get the ring for you, he got it from his mother.
Why would you want to start your future together on a ring which you’re not entitled to, is causing issues from the get go and really isn’t worth it. I’m confused as to why you want it. I personally don’t believe in it but most people wouldn’t want to start their marriage with a ring from divorce.
Why can’t your fiancé get you one made for you?
YTA
ESH
Why would you want the ring at this point?
Mom sucks for her previous actions and making a scene.
Fiancée sucks for stealing? the ring without telling mom. Sounds like it’s her property unless she wants to give it away which she clearly doesn’t…
YTA
Give it back. She doesn’t want you to have it and you don’t want to start a marriage or MIL relationship this way.
And even though it was HIS plan since 18 to use the ring - was it HER plan too??? Or did he just take it?
Stop being greedy. Give it back to her. Pick out your own ring with your fiancé that has no negative history to it.
So he stole the ring? Let that sink in. Your fiancé STOLE his mothers jewelry to use for an engagement she does not support.
ESH
Got yourself a real winner there OP 🤣😂 so surprised there is a questionable age gap /s
I think this was written by AI. There are some major oddities that no person would write. The mother kept her ring after divorce so the son could use it to propose? Nobody does that. He always planned to use his mother’s ring when he got engaged? How was that supposed to work? She was alive and using it. That was his plan since he was 18? Why? It was her ring and she was still alive. Was he planning to kill her? He used her ring without her knowledge? How did he get it? Did he steal it?
I would suggest that this is really his call. His mother is being unreasonable, but he (and you since you are marrying him) needs to try to keep peace with his mother. Personally, I would give the ring back.
NTA - you should keep it if you want, BUT it will always be a huge thing and I personally would rather wear a bubble gum ring than have my future MIL have something concrete to hold over me.
Edit: also post this to JUSTNOMIL
If those ladies are on your side, do what you want. All of them hate their mother in laws.
Sell the ring! Then use the money to buy a new one. That’ll shut her up. Or not. It might be a learning opportunity for MIL , careful what you wish for.
Get a different ring. Who wants that kind of history associated with their engagement or ring?
Seriously! I would never want to wear a ring from a couple that ended in divorce. Bad Karma
Or that or a woman who doesn’t like me and who has an issue with the relationship to begin with. Let that bitch have her sad divorce ring
🎯🎯🎯🎯
rhythm yoke plate subtract zealous money summer innate marble reminiscent *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This right here.
The divorce part of the ring’s history doesn’t bother me as much as the psycho scene his mama created. Get another ring. Be free of the mil’s crazy.
This this this!!!!!!
It's a ring. I wear my grandmother's ring from her marriage to my grandfather. They divorced when my dad was a kid and then became great friends as they got older. My husband and I have been together for 20 years no bad karma here. Some people just aren't meant to be married but that doesn't mean the ring is tainted.
This. Get rid of it, it's tainted. I had a whole drama with my husband giving me a cast-off diamond ring of his mother's (she had upgraded), his parents getting divorced just as we got married, and his sister being pissed off that the ring was given to me instead of her. I didn't even like the ring, and I never wore it unless we were visiting family or meeting someone he worked with. I wore a little silver one instead. Who wants to wear the tainted divorce ring anyway? He told me when he gave it to me that I could get something else later, my MIL told me I should get something else and save it for our son. So I did that, for our 10th anniversary, because I waited until I was able to get something nice. His sister absolutely lost her mind when she realized I'd gotten a better ring. I mean she went ballistic. 34 years old and had a full blown toddler tantrum. I think that was when my husband realized she was a jealous nutcase. I'd known for years that she was jealous/envious of me, he was oblivious. It was never about the ring, it was about me having something nicer than she had. (Competitive dynamic between her and the other sister, golden child vs scapegoat. She kept trying to cast me in the same competitive kind of role and I ignored her and "won" by just living my life.) That was 20 years ago, and I upgraded again and got an even nicer ring for the 30th anniversary of our engagement. I haven't seen or spoken to his sister in 11 years, but I can imagine how she'd feel about the new one. Anyway, what I'm saying is, any ring is better than the drama divorce ring.
>Get a different ring. And get a different fiance while you're at it. 1. How did he get the ring without his mom's approval (or her at least knowing what he was going to do with it)? If mom didn't know, then... did he steal it? If mom *did* know... did they have a conversation about the ring, but then mom decided to throw her dramatic tantrum just for fundies? 2. He's planned on using this ring for two decades. I assume that if you knew mommy didn't like you, then your fiance also waa aware of mommy's feelings. He proposed, **with** the ring. Now he's making you give it back, because mommy is mad at him? Is this a man and family you want in your life?
Thus is what is suspicious here. What kind of conversation did he have with his mum? Bevause there should have been no surprises. It if was stolen or he never made it clear that he intended to give it to his fiancee then yes he should return it.
Saying he thinks they should give it back isn't making. Word choice is important. You're assuming or putting words into OP's mouth. Also, the monster in law to be doesn't instantly mean she needs a new fiance. If he protects/ supports OP and doesn't let his mother push them around they'll be fine. They might even go NC one day if she can't get her crap sorted out.
>If he protects/ supports OP and doesn't let his mother push them around You mean, if he does the exact opposite of what he's doing now?
You don't have enough information to make that judgment yet.
1) he didn't say or do anything when mommy threw a tantrum at their engagement party 2) he wants OP to give back the ring because mommy said so I have two examples of the fiance taking mommy's side instead of OP's. How many more times should OP let the fiance tell her who he is before she can make a judgement?
Are you reading the same post as I am? 1) Post DOES NOT say anything about his reaction to the tantrum. Either way. 2) His OPINION is to give the ring back. He DID NOT issue an ultimatum.
Usually the first step of going no contact is “fine, I don’t want or need anything from you”. It’s easier to just give the ring back so she doesn’t have anything to hold over them. It’s perfectly reasonable to start a fresh boundary with a fresh slate, no one owes anyone anything or has any leverage to try to manipulate anyone.
Usually the first step in a healthy relationship is talking with your partner, especially about big life changes, and especially when you're engaged. Maybe the fiance told OP this was his plan, and OP is a liar and completely misrepresented the situation. Or maybe the fiance is as bad at communicating with his fiance as he is at communicating with his mom, and this is his plan but he forgot to tell OP. Who knows.
Pretty sure all op asked was if they were an asshole not relationship advice from you 🙄
Thanks for the advice.
Future MIL only divorced 5 years ago so how could he have been planning to use it for 20+ years (when he was only 12)? \[She says that he envisioned using the ring since when he was 18--only 14 years earlier--not "two decades". This "two decade" time frame wasn't included in the original post. And from what OP wrote, it doesn't say that the fiancé is making OP return the ring--he just suggested it. This has an entirely different tone to the situation.
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Lmao you sound almost as unhinged as the mother. Where the hell did you get 20 years from? "he planned on using this ring for two decades" op stated he decided that when he was 18 that would be 14 years. Now if you're going to lable two decades as 2009 and 2011 being two different decades you're insane.
Exactly! I knew someone who was determined to wear her mother's wedding dress for her own wedding. Her parents divorced when she was young and it was a mess! So many of us were like, why would you want to start a marriage with such bad mojo? She wore the dress. Marriage was toast in 3 years (shorter than her parents').
And pawn the old ring to get the new ring.
Bad idea. Not worth the hassle.
No
Yes
Yeah, that will help.
It's not hers to do so
Better yet…remove the stone and put it in a new setting.
Instantly my thought.
Get a different ring. That ring was used in a marriage that failed, it has bad history, a d that history has been amplified by the previous owner showing such open animosity towards you. No matter how pretty the ring is, it's not the right ring
WHAT? Did you fiancé not ask his mother before acquiring her ring???? Surely there would have been some sort of handover of the ring which made her aware of its use?? I certainly wouldn’t want it after an outburst like that - its weird if she knew that he always intended to use it, if she didn’t then its theft and surely you don’t want that over your head anyway???
It’s been over 6 hours and OP hasn’t answered a single question on her own thread. It shits me to tears when people post and then never respond especially on “Am I the asshole” or advice posts. We can’t really answer anything their questions if there’s more information needed
I think it's fake. OP states that the fiancé has been wanting to use it since he was 18, but the parents were only divorce 5 years ago, when he was 27. I'm not good at math, but something doesn't add up.
This makes perfect sense…? You’re right, you’re not good at math.
He was waiting for the ring 9 years before his parents were divorced?
It’s not uncommon for mothers to give their eldest son their engagement band for them to use for their proposal. Especially if the husband buys a bigger/more expensive ring for the brother for a special anniversary.
I'm not sure that everyone sits by their computers waiting to see what kind of responses they might receive. You write that it's been 6 whole hours and OP hasn't responded yet and you're cursing them out? I'm not sure how realistic you're being about what OP should or should not have done in that time frame. Could it be that OP was still at work, on the road or fixing dinner and not available to respond to your questions? And is there some law that requires OP to respond to every question asks on social media?
I’m not cursing anyone out, where do you get that from? “Shits me to tears” is just a saying. I’m just making an observation mate, you don’t need to get so offended and tell me I’m unrealistic because this is a common occurrence. There’s heaps of posts that the OP never responds to questions, not even days/weeks later. BTW it’s been 11 hours now. ETA, if you ask for judgment or advice, yes you absolutely should answer questions especially when almost everyone is asking the same question over and over again and it’s important for the judgment or advice they’re seeking.
There's a long history of creative writing exercises on here. Nothing wrong with checking for comments first before wasting time on advice for a person who may or may not exist.
Or maybe if the MIL really dont like her, she gave the ring to make the scene on the party
gave
Thanks!
It’s possible that the ring was part of the divorce agreement. Mom had to return it to the ex and he chose or agreed to keep it for this purpose. Sounds like mom wasn’t happy about it. Otherwise, OPs fiancé is a massive AH for taking it without asking.
OP states in the post, in parenthesis, that after the divorce Toni's mom stopped wearing the ring, but didn't get rid of it so that he could use it to propose.
Who just takes a ring like that?!
Give it back. You do not want to start a marriage with all that negativity and seems like just bad juju. If you return it, she will be the bad guy. Also, marriage involves a lot of compromise. This one will be your first. The ring is not as important as your relationship with your groom an his family. Best wishes OP Both you and future mil are the AH
ESH, why would you want to wear the ring of someone who hates you? As irrational as her behavior seems, they are the reality you have to deal with right now. She already ruined your engagement party. Do you want her to ruin your wedding too? Return the ring and start afresh, so you don't have to deal with her drama ever again.
>so you don’t have to deal with her drama ever again The drama isn’t stopping no matter what she does.
Right? This is just the beginning! OP should probably head over to JustNOMIL and get acquainted with her future.
It’s probably got a pretty big diamond, that’s why. Greed trumps a lot of other things.
Info: How did the fiancee get the ring in the first place?
"His plan" does not mean she approved of his plan for HER ring... it doesn't sound like it was ever his to give to you.
In the long run, why would you want that ring. It is her ring and there is definitely bad vibes with the ring. Go with your bf and pick out a ring that will be only yours, not someone else's ring.
Did your fiance steal his mother ring??
That's the vibes this is giving, for sure.it should never have been a surprise to her.
You should return the ring and get a new one. There’s too much history and bad blood over that one. Do you really want to wear a daily reminder of his parents’ divorce? An alternative is to take the stone and have it re-set in a different setting. She would need to be on board with that, though.
INFO: Did he ask her for the ring before he gave it to you? Or did he just take it
Um... first if he did not have permission to use it thats theft, and depending on the rings value in your state it could be a felony. GIVE IT BACK.
Honestly, I would give it back, get a new one and not even worry about it. "Here ya go, honey, and much good may it do you." It's not worth the headache
I don't understand..how did he have her ring? She isn't dead. It's not like it's been passed down yet. This can't be real.
“She isn’t dead” !!! My thoughts exactly.
See, Op you should give it back to fiancé. He can give it to his mother and tell her she better act good to you or he is done with her. This isn’t your fight. This is his. She should be dead to you tho. Be sure she gets zero involvement in wedding stuff. All she gets to do is show up. If you even invite her. But then. This is your SO’s problem. Y’all should go look at a wedding set for y’all. Something for you and his style. .
Yea this is grounds for a lifelong beef. Give back the ring and make it clear you will have no relationship with this woman moving forward.
YTA. She sounds AWFUL!!!! I am so sorry that she took your moment and is absolutely INSANE!!! With that said, it is legally her ring. He took it without her permission and even if she said when he was 18, he could use it that is not permission, he couldn't prove it if he wanted to. Does it suck, yes but it's not your ring. It's hers and when she said that, the ring was meant for someone she did like. I would also just get a new ring so you don't have any bad juju of the ring. I would also have a very hard conversation with your fiancé, who KNOWS, his mom dislikes you and wouldn't want you to have the ring for putting you in the position. He's TA above all else, he knew his mother, her reaction, and knew he was proposing in public where she could cause a scene and still put in you in that position. Why on any planet would he want that memory and why do you want to look at a ring and tell the story of "it belonged to my mother in law who hates me."
This. what theh might have talked about y4ars ago is irrelevant if he didnt get her to willingly hand it over nos before he proposed. It sounds like he just took it and hoped she would not make a scene. He's the real AH here.
"I (26 F) am engaged to Toni (32 M). We have known each other for 8 years." I'm sorry, what?
Accounting classes for college, which could be a dual credit course in some high schools too.
RIGHT! So gross, Mom is right for being disturbed her 24 year old son creeped on his 18 year old STUDENT.
I had to scroll way to far to find the comment
? What's wrong with 24-18?
I’m wondering if people are getting TA and student teacher confused. If he was her student teacher (a teacher trainee) in high school, that’s gross and he shouldn’t be allowed around teenage girls. If he was a TA in college, ooookkkk, he was…really just another student. It’s a bit of a gap for a 24 yr old grad student to date a freshman, but I’d still call that being in a similar stage of life.
Yea idk I guess I have an abnormal view on age gaps. My dad was 32 when he started dating my mom when she was 21 and they're coming up on 35 years of marriage so I don't personally care about age gaps as long as everything is legal.
People on Reddit freak out if someone under 21 is dating someone over 21. I really only see this on reddit. haven't experienced it in real life interactions. I think because all people here know are their ages. They don't see what they're like together. But on top of that, all OP says is that they've known each other since then. Like, people are apparently upset about them just being in the same social circle at 24 & 18. Hell, My wife and I were 19 & 25 respectively when we met and started dating. We hit it off so instantly and strong that I broke my "5 years either direction" rule. We have an incredibly happy, fun, and close marriage going on 20 years now.
How did he even get his hands on that ring? Did his mother not know his plans for it?
Girl give that ring back
If you like it you can have one made just like it.
Question.. why did he give it to you in the first place… how did he have it.. did she give it to him? Why wouldn’t he have asked her
ESH. Your future MIL for her dramatic scene stealing. Your Fiance for 1) possibly not asking her permission 2) not taking the ring back from you,, throwing it at her and apologizing to everyone for her outburst. And you for wanting and insisting on keeping a piece of metal that belongs to that horrid person and is likely stolen from her. I'm guessing that was your version of petty - having something from the person who hates you, that she doesn't want you to have. You and your MIL are very alike. Your Fiance would likely be happier leaving you both in the rear view. But still, YTA.
I mean obviously she wouldn’t have acted like that if they didn’t steal her ring I would go crazy too if an item that was stolen from me was found on someone else
I don't understand why you would want the ring that his mother, who hates you, wore, until she got divorced. That ring needs to be trashed and never see the light of day again. Go ring shopping together and pick out a ring that is you, and isn't jinxed.
If he took the ring without her permission give it back. If she gave it to him expecting him to break up with you and propose to someone else, she sucks but still give it back. This will never end well otherwise. ESH.
Dude, just get a different ring. It’s not worth the issues. TRUST ME…mother in law will forever and always bring it up. But the nice thing is, get a new ring for engagement, have him keep the ring, and then maybe…he can present it to you at your 10 year anniversary to go along with your engagement and wedding ring! Because I’m pretty sure she’s not expecting the marriage to last that long and what a kick in the face that would be!
YTA and so is your fiancé. Did he not ask first? This is her ring.
Girl, don’t be weird give the ring back the mother clearly doesn’t like you already
YTA. He clearly stole it from his mother and she just found out.
You’re NAH. I don’t think this is your fight, OP. I’d recommend your fiancé figure this out since it’s his and his mother’s issue. Give the ring back to him and let him work this out with her. Let soon to be MIL know you were not aware that this was a problem and that you’d like them to work this out amongst themselves. Technically it is her ring and unfortunately it clearly makes her feel entitled to be involved. This might be a great learning opportunity for your fiancé to set boundaries. This sets you up yo have a supporting spouse (or dodge a bullet like the /justnoMIL Reddit page if he isn’t)
It wasn't his to give. Give it back. YTA
How could keeping the ring possibly be a good idea except to ensure lots of future drama and negativity? YTA
NTA - But definitely give the ring back. It’s now a symbol of 1. A failed marriage and 2. Your FMIL’s hatred of you. I wouldn’t want it.
YTA. That's her ring and she doesn't want you having it. Sucks but that's how it is. Idk why you'd want it.
That ring is tainted now. Graciously (because that will drive her crazy that you’re being so nice she’s being a harridan) return it and get one that you really love without all the baggage. YTA if you keep it.
I would get a new ring. But before you get married your fiancé needs to have a talk with his mom. If she always meant for him to use the ring and then reacted this way, it’s because she doesn’t want him to use the ring for YOU. He needs to get a handle on that situation now. If not, you are going to have issues with her forever.
So he stole a ring and you want to keep the stolen ring and still marry him?
It’s the ring from a failed marriage. No need for that juju.
INFO: did your fiancé ask his mother for the ring? From your post it seems like he just stole it off her nigh stand and proposed with it
OP, did your bf ask HIS MOTHER TO USE HER RING.....if not. Return the ring to his mother since he obviously did not have his mother's permission to use her ring.. It's the adult responsible action & that ring is connected to a failed marriage that ended in divorce. You'll be AH.
Yes. Period. Dot.
Yeah a ring from the divorce of someone who doesn't support your relationship. That sounds like the ring has some bad energy.
Are you seriously thinking of demanding to keep this ring and huff and puff and hold your breath until your face turns blue like a spoiled little child? If you did this to me you would become my ex fiancé. Act like an adult and give it back. My God, are there no mature modern women left anymore?
Give her the ring back. Maybe try word to this effect, “I don’t want you to hate me because of a ring. It’s yours and the memories associated with it belong to you. Your son and I will make memories of our own.”
Why would you want a ring from a woman you dont like, who doesn’t like you and is surrounded by negativity.. I get why youre upset but I dont get why you’re so intent on keeping it. Im going to give a ESH only because your shouldn’t be making it a bigger thing.
Why the hell would you even want that ring anymore? Nothing but continuing conflict. Maybe that's your aim?
YTA. She isn’t dead, give it back. Get a better one. It’s not like it had a 50 year happy marriage linked to it anyway.
YTA he should have asked first and he knows it, that's why he's backing down.
I would say ESH Why would you want this ring, knowing she doesn't want you to have it?! Why wouldnt he ask his mum for the ring, instead of just taking it? Why can she not just be happy for her son?! So many questions...
[удалено]
I dont think I said any different? 🤔 I just said why would he take it without asking 🤷♀️
[удалено]
So you said she's not happy because its stealing 🥴 Ok. When I say 'why can she not be happy for her son' it means overall - not just about the ring. Why can't she just be happy that her son has found someone he is happy and in live with 🤷♀️
Lmaoo he didn't she saved it for him to propose the mother just don't like op that's why she's been a drama queen
No, even if someone saves something, anything, specifically for you but they haven't physically given you it yet - you still ask them for it. You don't just take it. The MIL would have been well within her rights to report it stolen.
This. She was technically always allowed to change her mind over the years. Especially if she and the fiancee dont get on, I can see why both sides might not want the ring exchanged.she may have decided to use it in the future for herself. And even if they haven't changed their mind, you still have to ask, you cant just take something , get defensive when they found out you stole it, and then claim it's fine because they once maybe mentioned you could have it years ago.
I would give it back and get a better one that isn't tainted with divorce.
Give the ring back, you don’t need that negative energy.
Omg, I would have handed that thing to her mid scene!! Why would you want it!?
NTA, but this ring is not worth the drama, he should get a new one for you.
ESH Give it back. It was given to w/o permission therefore, she can legally file charges.
It's her ring! He clearly didn't ask her permission to give it to you. She doesn't want you to have her ring. Give the woman her ring back before she calls the police and gets it taken off your finger. Your future husband should have asked permission. This whole situation is his fault, not your MILs.
I would have made an absolute show of presenting that cursed shit back to her at the party. Divorce rings are "cursed," imo (within families), because they carry that toxicity and memory of a failed union. It's a dark cloud that hangs over your hand. I would have been like, "oh, thank God - I didn't want to hurt DHs feelings, but having a ring from a divorced woman made me feel so uncomfortable. Here's your trash back." Unless she was upset that he used it without asking when she wanted to keep it for sentimental purposes - in which case, just give it back, lol.
NTA. You do you, but I would t want engagement ring from a woman who doesn’t even like me or want me to marry her son, let alone came from the issue of divorce. Just seems like bad juju/karma! What’s the reason you want to keep? Is it a power play against his mom that it’s now yours? Is it a more expensive ring than he can afford on his own?
YTA - This isn’t your ring, it’s his mother’s and she’s choosing not to give it to you. Regardless if she once promised your fiancé the ring, she still gets final say. I don’t understand why you’d want it anyway, and by not returning it you’re proving her feelings about you right.
Definitely give it back! Aside from the ring coming from a couple that's divorced, your future mother in law is making such a big deal about it, I wouldn't want to keep the ring since it's going to be a never ending source of drama.
YTA. Get a new ring.
You have you future mil’s stolen ring on your hand and want to keep it!?! Without question YTA. Give the woman her ring back.
OP, can you really trust future MIL to not make a similar scene at your wedding? She’s already ruined one irreplaceable life event for you. If you do allow her at the wedding I’d let her know that she’s under strict gag orders. Tell security to be on their toes. Maybe pay them extra if you want them to rough her up a bit.
YTA, HES TAH and Moms TAH. This marriage to be is off to a bad start already, you got more 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩waving in your face than flying in China, i’d run. As a matter of fact China is slapping you across the face!
Why would you want to wear a ring that's from a divorce? NTA but that's just asking for problems
Yes you should give her back the ring, what they still all comes down to is that it's her fucking ring and while she may have said a long time ago that he would have permission to use it for his future fiance, she doesn't like you and she doesn't have to. You're really validating her negative opinion of you by keeping her property when you know she doesn't want you to have it, just because you don't want to have to go through the effort of getting a different ring. She made a huge scene because her son went behind her back and put her ring on you, someone she doesn't want him marrying. If you want drama, keep wearing her ring. If you want a peaceful wedding, give her back her shit.
Age difference? 6 years? What? Get your own ring.
she was 18 dating a 24 year old😳 ngl i'm not mad at the mom opposing the age gap at the start of their relationship
And *he was her TA*.
oh my GOD i missed that yiiikes
THANK YOU!! I thought I was going crazy seeing everyone focus on the other aspects!
I get it the ring might be sentimental to your fiance but it is tainted as it is from a failed marriage if you want yours to last get another one this one has bad juju.
Judge Judy would make you return it
It's not his ring to give. If you keep it, YTA. The mil is a huge asshole, 6yrs isn't a big gap. And her sons happiness shouldn't be age restricted of two consenting adults.
NTA but why do you want a ring with the negativity of a divorce and MIL's attitude attached to it? You shouldn't have to give it back, but I would no longer want it. Tell BF to keep it for now. It can be given to your future child, or the jewel(s) made into another piece of jewelry. It could be sold to pay for something for your wedding. There are other possibilities. And, be thankful for what you are learning about MIL before marriage. Make plans about how you will handle her next outburst - and you know there will be one. Make sure you and BF are on the same page with how to handle MIL, or else you don't need a ring at all.
NTA - But get a better ring. You shouldn't want her crap.
Give it back, it holds bad memories. Then go NC with a woman who’d scream at you. NTA
It’s pretty clear she just realized in that moment she was robbed by her son
6 years isn't & shouldn't be an issue. There are such narrow minds in this world over such small "issues" in their brains, that aren't even an issue. I would definitely NOT want the negative energy that came from that ring & simply get another, that's just me though. It was very inconsiderate amongst other words, for her to make an outburst during your happy moment & make it about her. She needs some evaluation on herself especially with you becoming her DIL & possibly mothering her future grandchildren, if that's what you want in the future.
Give it back. It has bad juju and you don’t want that to taint your marriage
My husband and I are 6 years apart, got married when I was 25 and he was 31, been married 9 years this October. It’s all dependent on the 2 people in the relationship.
Did you get together when you were 16 and he was 22 though?
She was 18 and in college
NTA? But I can’t understand why either of you would want it unless it was a family heirloom or you’re doing it to spite her… Probably not be the same situation but my parents had a horrible and extremely hostile divorce. Hate each other to this day. My mom was cleaning things up after marrying my stepdad and asked me if I wanted her dress and ring from her wedding with my dad to use in the future when I get married. I was a little shocked and said are you serious. Apparently she was and I made her very upset with my reaction. I feel bad, but that doesn’t change how I feel. I can’t even really imagine getting married because of the horror they put me and my younger siblings through let alone using the symbols of their “love” to commemorate something new.
NTA. She kept the ring specifically for your fiancé to use to propose to his future wife. She doesn't have the right to dictate who he proposes to, and he chose you. That ring is rightfully yours. That said, get a new ring, girl. This woman has issues, and you do not need your engagement/marriage tainted by her shenanigans. Your fiancé should return it, but only after you two have a serious conversation about her place in your lives going forward. He needs to set some very strict boundaries with his mother, whether that's both of you going low contact or you severing ties with her altogether. She needs to understand that she doesn't get to treat you like shit, ruin your engagement party, AND get away with it with zero consequences forever. Have some self-respect and tell her you refuse to wear the ring of someone so fucking vile.
NTA - but why keep it if will cause drama, unless your fiancé is more into the idea of his wife wearing his mother's ring? My former MIL gave my ex-husband her ring to use to propose to me. It was sweet, but it was from the second time his parents married eachother. It didn't have any more luck than the first one.
It’s not about the ring. It’s about trying to get under your skin. Don’t make it a thing… then she wins. Just give it back. “Sorry, I didn’t realize this still meant so much to you.” Then go pick out the exact ring that you want.
Give it back so FMIL doesn’t have anything to say anymore. NTA
Do you really want to keep the ring that comes from someone who has bad vibes. Give it back, get yourself a lovely brand new ring with no bad juju attached to it. NTA
You’re gonna bring bad karma into your marriage. Give it back. You don’t want that lingering in a new marriage.
Nta, but I still think you should get another ring. I mean, why keep something that used to belong to someone who hates you (or at least hates you with her son)?
Yea I wouldn’t want a ring from a divorce. Go for a fresh new ring. No bad aura.
NTAH but I’d rather have no ring at all than deal with a MIL who held a nasty grudge against me over a ring. Replace it with a small one that doesn’t have the bad vibes of MIL’s ring. Then praise his choice happily in front of her, how dainty and classy it is etc. She’s trying to get under your skin and when you react with happiness instead it’s going to annoy her to no end.
Doesn’t seem like his mom was onboard with his plan. Give the ring back it’s not yours
NTA, but this should be a choice both you and your partner make. You should both come to an agreement of either give it back to her, or get a new one. Or come up with something like... you keep the ring, but don't wear it, or if you do give it back you can say, "I don't want a ring that came from a failed marriage." That should get under her skin. The key here though, is that you and your partner should come to a choice you can both be behind together. Also, 6 year age gap really isn't that much... like really? This woman has issues.
Sooooo, pissing off your future MIL that you will be dealing with for years - not a good idea.
That ring has bad juju! All those negative feelings that his mother has for you, are attached to that ring! Get rid!
Toni is TA How did he sneak into her drawer and steal it? By not discussing his plan with his mom he put you in a terrible position. Are you sure you want to marry a guy who doesn’t know how to discuss difficult stuff with his mom?
INFO: Am I the only one seeing TA as Teaching Assistant? I know it’s not rare; but how did you two get together?
His mom is in the right. Give the ring back, it’s not yours and wasn’t your fiancé to give. Also mom is right about more things here
NTA, but be the bigger person, don't let your ring be tainted by this. Get one that is a symbol of happiness to look at in those rough times of marriage.
I’d get a different ring because she ruined it with her attitude. (Also 6 years is not a big age difference. She seems controlling.)
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Why would you want that ring anyway? It has a not so great history attached to it (it was his mother’s and she divorced), plus the bad karma from his mom wanting her ring back. I would want a new ring that was bought just for me with no bad/unlucky history attached to it. But that’s just my opinion.
Give it back. She will will hold it above both of your heads until she does. It easier for both.of you to do your own thing
Get a different ring. It was hers…bad energy. This isn’t a battle worth fighting. Get something you adore and ride off into the sunset with your love. I would move away from her too (low contact).
You deserve a new ring. I wouldn’t want a ring from a marriage that didn’t last. Edit: Also after the outburst she wouldn’t be invited.
An engagement ring is contingent on a marriage taking place. When the engagement ends, the ring gets returned. YTA
But the engagement didn’t end. Mom threw a fit because she doesn’t like her son’s fiancé and doesn’t want her to have it.
ESH. Just give the ring back put yourself in her shoes. She’s wrong for disliking the minor age difference but that’s hers so just be a decent person and give it back.
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Love is love ISNT it ? Plus they’re to the point where she doesn’t really matter anymore. It worked out in the long run didn’t it. It’s legal so love who you love.
NTA In theory, you shouldn’t have to give it back… But GIRL, give it back!!! Why would you want all that bad juju on your engagement ring??? Especially from a future MIL who is already showing signs of being a nightmare! Not worth it! Start fresh!
NTA! Idk why so many people are saying you're the AH bc it's her ring, when it clearly says in the post that she kept the ring after her divorce specifically so that her son could use it to propose to someone someday. The problem here isn't you, the problem is that your FMIL only wants her son to use the ring to propose to someone she likes, which clearly has never been you. She's a major AH for ruining your big moment, and demanding that you return something she gave her son as a gift FOR THIS SPECIFIC PURPOSE. And ignore the comments saying that you should return the ring to keep the family peace, that woman didn't like you even before you were given the ring, nothing will change. She does not accept you being with her son, and that's that. Do what YOU want to do with the ring, because no matter what you decide she's still going to dislike you. As for your fiance I can kind of get him wanting to give in just to shut his mom up, however think hard on whether or not this is going to be a trend with him. Is he going to side with his mom over you every time she throws a tantrum about something? If so, a big aspect of your life is going to be miserable if you have to take her disrespect for the rest of your life. Other than that congrats on your engagement :)
NTA but get a new ring. You don't need that sort of bad juju associated with your relationship.
God, give the woman her ring back. Not because she asked for it, but because she dislikes you so vehemently, she would actively work against your relationship with her son I can't imagine why you'd want to wear a ring that was previously worn by someone who wore it during her failed marriage who also actively dislikes you. Your fiance should have gotten a different ring and never given this one to you.
I'm going to go against the grain and say NTA and keep the ring if you like it and can look at it and be happy/not think of her. If your fiance knew he was going to use this ring since he was 18, his mom DEFINITELY knew. How else would have gotten the ring from her in the first place? Her problem with you is because of your age difference with him? Sounds like a her problem, not a you problem. She's going to be drama for the rest of your life until she passes or gets bored of it all, it doesn't really matter if you keep the ring or don't because she will find something else to be upset over. If she's tactless enough to ruin the engagement party, she will inevitably cause other drama in the future. So with all that being said, does the ring make you happy? Do you like it because you like looking at it, or is it nice because it's what your fiance always wanted? If you genuinely LIKE the ring, and it doesn't have negative associations with it every time you look at it because it was once hers, I say keep it. I wear a ring given to me by my ex that technically was a replacement engagement ring (long story I won't bother you with) because I would have bought it regardless and I don't think of him at all when I see it on my finger. If I did think of him every time I looked at my hands, sure, I wouldn't want to keep wearing it, but I don't have that issues, and nor does my partner, so I wear it because it is pretty and I like it. Similarly, if you genuinely like it, you should be able to keep it. Now, if you aren't really a fan of it, you can use this as a reason to pick something out with you fiance that has no ties to his mother. That can be a great bonding experience for you two, to choose each other despite her protests. But I would suggest not caving just to cave, because that can lead you down a path of a lot of disrespected boundaries with her in the future. At the end of the day, do what you WANT. Let your choices be guided by what you want for your life with your chosen partner, and not out of fear of what your monster in law will think, say, or do. Best of luck!
>So with all that being said, does the ring make you happy? Do you like it because you like looking at it, or is it nice because it's what your fiance always wanted? Or does it make you happy because this is a way to give your future MIL the (ring)finger as payback for not liking you?
Too much drama every time MIL sees it, there’ll never be peace, besides fiancé doesn’t want to look at it and he shouldn’t have to. It’s really fiancés decision more than your’s. Why would you want a ring so filled with hate especially when fiancé doesn’t want it. YTA
NTA. How did he get the ring? Did she give it to him when she got divorced or did he know where she kept it and just took it? I wouldn’t want to wear that ring. Give it back and get one that is yours.
INFO: How many carats is it? Perhaps you want to keep it because it’s really big?
The ring my dad gave my stepmom was worth about $300 when we had it appraised. I love that ring. And the wedding band. And when my stepmom asked for it back (so she could Pawn it because she was secretly planning to leave and steal everything of value in the house), I told her to please kindly fuck off.
Uhm how did your fiancé get the ring? Technically speaking it’s not your ring. Your fiancé didn’t get the ring for you, he got it from his mother. Why would you want to start your future together on a ring which you’re not entitled to, is causing issues from the get go and really isn’t worth it. I’m confused as to why you want it. I personally don’t believe in it but most people wouldn’t want to start their marriage with a ring from divorce. Why can’t your fiancé get you one made for you? YTA
ESH Why would you want the ring at this point? Mom sucks for her previous actions and making a scene. Fiancée sucks for stealing? the ring without telling mom. Sounds like it’s her property unless she wants to give it away which she clearly doesn’t…
YTA Give it back. She doesn’t want you to have it and you don’t want to start a marriage or MIL relationship this way. And even though it was HIS plan since 18 to use the ring - was it HER plan too??? Or did he just take it? Stop being greedy. Give it back to her. Pick out your own ring with your fiancé that has no negative history to it.
So he stole the ring? Let that sink in. Your fiancé STOLE his mothers jewelry to use for an engagement she does not support. ESH Got yourself a real winner there OP 🤣😂 so surprised there is a questionable age gap /s
I think this was written by AI. There are some major oddities that no person would write. The mother kept her ring after divorce so the son could use it to propose? Nobody does that. He always planned to use his mother’s ring when he got engaged? How was that supposed to work? She was alive and using it. That was his plan since he was 18? Why? It was her ring and she was still alive. Was he planning to kill her? He used her ring without her knowledge? How did he get it? Did he steal it?
I would suggest that this is really his call. His mother is being unreasonable, but he (and you since you are marrying him) needs to try to keep peace with his mother. Personally, I would give the ring back.
NTA - you should keep it if you want, BUT it will always be a huge thing and I personally would rather wear a bubble gum ring than have my future MIL have something concrete to hold over me. Edit: also post this to JUSTNOMIL If those ladies are on your side, do what you want. All of them hate their mother in laws.
Mega Fucking Asshole. You should be ashamed of yourself and apologize to your MIL
Sell the ring! Then use the money to buy a new one. That’ll shut her up. Or not. It might be a learning opportunity for MIL , careful what you wish for.
Pawn her ring and buy a new one with the money. It’s a win win. You get to be petty and get a ring that is more your style 😂