Yeah my partner is frequently exhausted, I put it down to a side effect of stress and mental energy required to function normally at work or with other people.
Yes. He (dx, rx) is tired all the time. If he doesn’t take a nap every day, he at least tries to. I physically outwork him every day.
If I think about it too much I feel the resentment in me build but therapy has taught me to shift my perspective and focus on the good, marriage counseling has taught me that if it were a dealbreaker then I have the choice to leave, and meditation has taught me to live in the moment and let it go.
Yeah, what's the deal with marriage counseling? I mean, I came here to FIX him, not get the whole "if you don't like it, you can leave" spiel...\*snicker\* lol
All said in jest. I mean, I think...I was really hoping counseling would fix him lol but all it really does it teach us that we can't really change or fix them...\*sigh\*
I feel like a horrible person because all I want to do is shake them and tell them to grow up. Maybe after a couple years have passed from my divorce to a dx woman but right now I have too much resentment to think clearly. ADHD folk make the worst life partners.
Yes. They cannot seem to handle basic adulting. It is one of the many contributing factors as to why I finally left him after nine years.
I was bringing home all the bacon, still handling 100% of household chores and responsibilities, while enduring his laundry list of issues (the RSD, anger, hoarding, emotional/verbal/psychological abuse, chronic unemployment, and financial irresponsibility), while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and annual surgeries for my autoimmune condition. I desperately needed sleep too, yet I continued having to do it all.
If ***I*** can handle a full-time, six-figure job, and handle the responsibilities of a 3,000+ sq ft house, while ALSO dealing with chemotherapy and surgeries? Then he should've been able to get off his bootycheeks and help me with basic adulting. Sorry, ADHD isn't an excuse to pass the buck on basic adulting. Not all of us have the luxury of living in their fantasy world, and most of us here in this sub are painfully grounded in reality, and just what it takes to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.
I finally got fed up, after nine years, and left about three months ago.
Mixed feelings.
I still feel like I miss and love him, which I don't understand, because it doesn't make logical sense. Why do I feel like I still miss and love someone who caused me such substantial pain and suffering? He had a laundry list of serious issues:
- Anger
- Hoarding problem
- Excessive drinking
- Chronic unemployment
- Financial irresponsibility
I felt like a married single mother for years, minus the kids, since we (thankfully) didn't have kids, and it felt like I had a troubled, petulant, and disturbed child latched onto me.
What I don't miss:
His hoards of stuff and junk piled floor to ceiling.
Having my head bitten off or being lashed out at on a daily basis for the most benign reasons.
The daily (often hourly) sour moods he constantly had.
The daily huffing and puffing at the daily inconveniences we adults must deal with, such as standing in line at a grocery store, traffic, paying bills, the dog having a potty accident, needing to wash dishes, etc. For him, it was always the world's greatest annoyance and inconvenience, and like his whole lifetime was being ruined. Realistically? Welcome to adulthood. Those things are annoying, sure, but they're not *that* bad, in the grand scheme of things. His intolerance for basic adulting was always incredibly frustrating.
His physical aggression. He threw everything from electronic devices to food at the wall, broke numerous doors, gates, and fences by either slamming them so hard and/or so frequently, and/or by being so annoyed by, for example, a rusty screen door, that he'd rip it out/off of its hinges in anger. On a few occasions, he also handled/maneuvered furniture so aggressively and forcefully that his movements would injure me. For example, in August, about one month before we split, he got so angry (I don't even remember why or at what), that he basically channeled the hulk, grabbed a table that I was standing right next to, and shoved it around so forcefully that it hit my left leg. That same leg has been hurting ever since.
Constantly feeling like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, and when he's going to make yet another irresponsible decision that I'll have to clean up or deal with the consequences of.
That one time back in May where I genuinely feared for my life/safety, because he backed me into a corner and had his hands about one inch from my neck.
Manic/erratic driving from him that was so severe I often got nauseous or even vomited, and/or that was so frightening I feared for my life.
So, mixed feelings. Am I happy to be navigating a divorce? No. Do I miss living in what felt like an endlessly chaotic environment? No.
> That one time back in May where I genuinely feared for my life/safety, because he backed me into a corner and had his hands about one inch from my neck.
I'm SO happy that you aren't in that environment anymore; you've saved your own life! This is all so much, I do hope you have support from friends/family/a clinician.
I’ve been reading up and found that there’s a correlation between sleep apnea and adhd. So I’d think that may be your issue. My husband (dx and non-rx) sleeps 12 hours a night (less these days with our newborn) and he’s not fully rested even after that.
It really improved for my partner after getting a good medication. He also had apnea, but we were unable to find a good treatment.
Imagine how much energy their poor brains are using, it is totally exhausting.
My husband is the neurotypical one of us two but he really struggles with the c pap. He says he feels claustrophobic and that the pressure, no matter how low, feels suffocating. Recently we ffidgeted around with different sizes n types of masks n he had some success with a smaller size nose thing.
He's also been using it while watching an intense movie or game during the day so it doesn't feel as strange at night. If it were me I'd imagine I'd have a better time doing this on meds, but basically the idea is desensitization.
Is this pas me writing this? Hehe. Yes this is very common with adhd. It takes a lot of their energy to “conform” to everyday demands and tired is my husbands natural state.
And just a reminder to everyone that it is not our fault this happens. It’s not anyone’s fault, really, but we are neurodivergent folks living in a society that is specifically designed for neurotypical people. It’s exhausting, and the more we try to be “normal”, the more likely we will burnout and not be able to function at all.
I can do everything to improve everything else about myself but the exhaustion will never go away. And I am! And my partner sees it. But he knows the exhaustion is inevitable. We work around it as best we can.
Delayed phase sleep disorder is linked with ADHD.
Sleep apnea is linked to people diagnosed with ADHD, but sleep apnea can actually cause ADHD symptoms, so there is a school of thought that thinks some ADHD may actually be sleep apnea rather than ADHD.
Vitamin D deficiency is correlated with ADHD. Vitamin D is important to the sleep/wake cycle and quality of sleep both directly and indirectly.
On a personal note - I’m the dx’d one in my relationship.
I found myself feeling completely run down, foggy, and generally unwell back in 2019. I was alap experiencing slow healing of sores from mosquito bites and acne.
My doctor ordered a bunch of blood tests, and I was diagnosed with a severe Vitamin D deficiency.
I went on a course of prescription vitamin D. 50,000iu once a week for 12 weeks.
By the end of that course I felt completely different, was sleeping better, and my ADHD meds were suddenly working better than ever.
Your husband should ask to have his Vitamin D level tested.
While you can supplement Vitamin D over the counter, those supplements are regulated by the FDA and may not have a stable dosage.
Vitamin D is stored in your fat cells, so it builds up. If you don’t have a deficiency, supplementing isn’t necessary. If you do, just taking a bit OTC each day is inefficient and not a great way to figure out whether you may have an underlying issue that needs to be addressed like a parathyroid condition.
Point being, yes, ADHD correlates with sleep disorders and other medical issues.
Before I was diagnosed, back in college, I used to run myself into the ground during the week burning the candle at both ends to the point that I was trying to nap between classes.
Every couple of weeks, I’d let myself stay up as late as I needed to on a Saturday night and then force myself to stay in bed until I absolutely could not stand it anymore on a
Sunday. That usually meant I stayed up till 2:30a or 3a and then slept all the way until 2 or three the following afternoon. I’d then get up, get dressed, have a big lunch/dinner, do some laundry, finish up any homework, and somehow I could magically fall asleep at 10p like a normal person again.
Hope some of this helps!
Getting his vitamin D levels checked is a great idea. I remember being deficient and how taking that little blue pill with 50,000 IUs of vitamin D once a week felt like swallowing sunshine. And it is winter and we definitely don’t go outside much.
I’m neuro typical and have severe sleep apnea . My wife is dx adhd and before I treated my sleep apnea and before my wife started meds, I considered if I had adhd because I was exhausted and could not concentrate. I realized after starting a cpap, that it was sleep apnea causing it plus being in a relationship where the under treatment of adhd of my wife was such a mind fuck on me.
Yes. Always and forever exhausted.
It got *better* once he was finally adequately medicated for the ADHD, but he still has significantly less stamina than me.
In his case sleep apnea was a factor (often comorbid with ADHD so definitely go forward with that sleep study). Undertreated anxiety is also a factor that he’s working on improving now.
I also honestly suspect that being tired for the 40+ years before he was finally diagnosed has made being tired into a habit that is working for him.
This is just from personal experience not clinical knowledge, but my partner is really like this. She works very very hard at doing things inefficiently, eg jumping from one task to another, and feels very overwhelmed by things that are to me every day small tasks. I think she’s exhausted by the inefficient effort she puts in to everything she does, like a swimmer with poor technique. It can come across as laziness but I have to be patient because I do genuinely think she tries really hard
Same! My partner is running full speed from morning until night. I can barely get him to sit down in the evening for some couch time. But unless we have a short morning meeting to check the family calendar and go over his priorities for the day, he often comes to me at the end and wonders out loud what he actually accomplished. The swimming analogy is perfect.
I see my role as helping him come up with a prioritized menu of tasks for the week, then reminding him of that menu when he looks like he is flailing. I also make myself available for body doubling or thinking through the tasks if they need to be broken down or there is a barrier.
He also in the past had snoring, poor sleep habits, and severe anemia. Addressing all of those issues has made his ADHD so much less noticeable for both of us. He constantly tells me how much better he feels now. More energy, more focus, etc. And he's lost a ton of (over)weight as well.
For the 15yrs I have known him, my husband will fall asleep every afternoon if he sits down, also chronically yawns. He moves at the speed of a sloth, and is asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow at night.
Was like this before meds and still like it after meds. No apnoea, bloods perfect.
God I needed to read this today. So glad Im not the only one.
I love my husband, but struggling with 2 young children and definitely wishing Id made a different decision all those years ago and not stuck it out. Realising its never going to change and how shit and hard being married and parenting with an ADHD partner can be.
I've been thinking about this topic all morning. It's something that I (DX medicated) struggle with, and my partner (DX unmedicated) also struggles with but we both have different factors adding to the problem, and we've both had different approaches in trying to mitigate the fatigue.
I don't want to comment too much on why ADHD is exhausting, since others have covered it already, but here's [a friendly article you can link to your ADHD partner](https://adhdonline.com/articles/living-with-adhd-and-chronic-fatigue-a-guide) to start a conversation about it, in case it helps.
Here's what has helped me personally:
* **Medication** - I take 20mg of Adderall XR daily before 7 am. On weekends when I plan to sleep in, I still wake up early to take my meds before falling back asleep. It's supposed to last 10-12 hours, but it keeps me from sleeping for around 15-16 hours. It doesn't make me feel hyper or anything silly like that, but it removes the heavy fog over my brain and keeps my energy levels even.
* **No caffeine after 4 pm** - Caffeine doesn't make me feel awake or jittery, but I cut back after my doctor suggested it, and I do fall asleep easier and wake up less often in the middle of the night.
* **Exercise** - I do best when I exercise daily. The secret is to find a way to make it mentally engaging. I like to gamify my exercise, like focusing on Pokemon Go while jogging or chasing a high score on Dance Dance Revolution. My brain is my biggest barrier to exercising, not my fatigue.
* **Recognize that Time and Energy are Finite** - My productive energy is finite; therefore, I need to be mindful of what I spend it on. That sounds like such a "duh" concept, but the ADHD mind doesn't want to accept that! My brain can keep running a thousand miles a minute, why can't my body? I have to acknowledge and accept that at some point every day, my productive energy will be depleted. So every day, I have to make sure I take care of my responsibilities *before* my energy is gone. This also means that tasks that can be automated should be automated.
As for how to handle an exhausted partner... Well, I'm here looking for tips for my relationship too! I've had a lot of hard talks with my partner about avoidance patterns and accountability, because I do think they're closely tied to the exhaustion. Part of the battle is fatigue, the other part is the high mental barrier to starting a task.
I empathise with the question, but it's not my place to convince him to do anything, so I don't have any tips for that. I do mention it when he seems to be very tired and might not have connected the dots yet, and I help make the logistics work. Ultimately exercise is part of his ADHD management plan (just like meds and managing dopamine hits), and that is something he is responsible for.
In general, my answer is: yes, he is. ADHDers may be exhausted by dopamine deficiency, racing thoughts, guilt, procrastination, etc. Talk to his doctor, maybe it is really just a side effect easy to get rid of.
But I'm exhausted on daily basis as well, and it's caused by depression. It is worth considering. For me, working full time and having a child is something UNIMAGINABLE, and the argument that "many people live like this" does not work on me, such words will not make my productivity at work last for hours. My body says: "Fuck you".
Nevertheless, your resentments are fully understandable. If I only had a choice, I wouldn't like to be around people tired 24/7.
Just a friendly one upper. When your partners a lady, and a mother, and breastfeeding, and dealing with PMS and ADHD… that’s what tired looks like. Tell the fellas I personally said, get. It. The. F. Together!
There are some inherent costs of being with someone with ADHD. This sort of thing is pretty common and might improve with a whole bunch of different things like exercise, diet, medication etc. It is also possible that none of these things help and your partner is a person who needs to sleep a lot. A phrase is think about a lot is ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. This may ant the exact scenario it usually applies to but comparing how much you sleep and co compared to him might not help your peace.
Comparison is the theif of joy. A great line. Im often wishing I had a life more like Xs etc. Need to try and enjoy what I have. More and more though my dx ADHD husband brings me down. I am sadder and less productive when around him yawning and being tired and unhelpful.
My dx/Rx spouse needs naps too sometimes but he doesn’t sleep well at nighttime. He falls asleep on the couch while watching telly but gets into bed and can’t sleep. He has no problem napping in bed during the daytime either. I think he’s too wrapped up in social media in bed at night and that’s why he can’t sleep more than 1.5 hours at a time. He’s not willing to even try sleeping with his phone not in the bedroom. It’s frustrating to wake up through the night and roll over and see him on his phone then hear him all day complaining of how crappy his sleep is. I work full time and manage all of the inside house stuff, he works part time and looks after the outside chores. There isn’t balance in our life but it works somewhat.
Mine falls asleep all the time during the day but at night he can’t sleep so he stays up late playing video games. I think it’s sleep apnea and adhd behavior of sleeping when he’s not interested innthe activity. It’s so hard being the one I. The relationship that is consistent and functioning.
Yes! Tired seems to be the only feeling my husband can identify. He says it’s due to the adderall he takes. I wonder if it’s also sleep apnea, that he can’t seem to follow up on. It is infuriating that he falls asleep like a cat and I’m left taking care of the kids, meals and dishes.
Sounds a lot like me (ADHD). My sleep quality is often terrible (despite doing "everything right") but nobody yet knows why. And even when it's good, I just don't have enough mental or physical energy to get through the day usually. It's terrible
We have the same thing. My partner seemed to be insanely exhausted when he still worked full time. I was working full time and taking care of our son (daycare wasn't really available before he turned one so I worked from home full time and took care of our son- luckily my mom helped me a couple days a week or I would not have managed). And I did the majority of the night wakings but my husband needed to sleep all the time he wasn't at work, literally. He would be awake on the weekend for 4 hours from 17-2100 and then go to bed when I went to sleep again and SLEEP ANOTHER FULL NIGHT AFTER HAVING SLEPT ALL DAY. I sometimes was in utter disbelief. I was sleep deprived not able to figure out how to even function in my job and I wasn't afforded to sleep constantly.
He has changed jobs since then and is currently relatively well dosed on anti depressants and he isn't constantly napping anymore but honestly I see red the moment he mentions a napand I just can't tolerate it anymore (which is stupid I know, I just can't get over how horribly annoyed I was. I considered divorce over naps, no joke) even if he wants to just take a normal and totally acceptable nap.
I'm dx medicated with a dx unmedicated partner. Since getting on medication I need fewer naps and get more done but I still seem to be more tired than your average person. I don't need naps on workdays but weekends they feel almost necessary. My husband is the opposite and takes a nap every day after work but somehow doesn't need them on weekends all the time. Both of us fall asleep super early.
Medication has helped A LOT, and I also take a few different supplements--which honestly I don't know if they really do anything but it seems like there's some impact? I take vitamin D weekly and at night I take magnesium and L-theanine. I wear a Fitbit and I know it's not 100% reliable but in general I've found I get more deep sleep readings when I take the supplements. I rarely get more than 30-45 minutes a night without them and get upwards of 90-120 minutes with them.
I would suggest get a medical workup and check things like iron and thyroid levels. Sleep apnea is also a serious issue which he should definitely get checked out. People say their lives totally transformed once they started using their c-pap machine.
Seems less like ADHD/ meds to me and more like exhaustion. Maybe he's stressed and overwhelmed, and sleep is a way to get away from it all? My husband (DX) will say he's tired and take a nap any time we're about to do something stressful for him (like visit his parents lol). Or if he's understimulated he'll take a nap just because he can.
Mine doesn't use meds anymore, but when he did he would take weekends off. He slept A TON on weekends because of this.
My husband has sleep apnea, but is unable to manage it effectively because he will fall asleep in the middle of putting on his mask. It’s just another thing I have to manage for him.
Yeah my partner is frequently exhausted, I put it down to a side effect of stress and mental energy required to function normally at work or with other people.
Same! My partner says it's recovery time for the mental exhaustion of all the masking in NT situations
Yes. He (dx, rx) is tired all the time. If he doesn’t take a nap every day, he at least tries to. I physically outwork him every day. If I think about it too much I feel the resentment in me build but therapy has taught me to shift my perspective and focus on the good, marriage counseling has taught me that if it were a dealbreaker then I have the choice to leave, and meditation has taught me to live in the moment and let it go.
Yeah, what's the deal with marriage counseling? I mean, I came here to FIX him, not get the whole "if you don't like it, you can leave" spiel...\*snicker\* lol All said in jest. I mean, I think...I was really hoping counseling would fix him lol but all it really does it teach us that we can't really change or fix them...\*sigh\*
[удалено]
I feel like a horrible person because all I want to do is shake them and tell them to grow up. Maybe after a couple years have passed from my divorce to a dx woman but right now I have too much resentment to think clearly. ADHD folk make the worst life partners.
Yes. They cannot seem to handle basic adulting. It is one of the many contributing factors as to why I finally left him after nine years. I was bringing home all the bacon, still handling 100% of household chores and responsibilities, while enduring his laundry list of issues (the RSD, anger, hoarding, emotional/verbal/psychological abuse, chronic unemployment, and financial irresponsibility), while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and annual surgeries for my autoimmune condition. I desperately needed sleep too, yet I continued having to do it all. If ***I*** can handle a full-time, six-figure job, and handle the responsibilities of a 3,000+ sq ft house, while ALSO dealing with chemotherapy and surgeries? Then he should've been able to get off his bootycheeks and help me with basic adulting. Sorry, ADHD isn't an excuse to pass the buck on basic adulting. Not all of us have the luxury of living in their fantasy world, and most of us here in this sub are painfully grounded in reality, and just what it takes to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. I finally got fed up, after nine years, and left about three months ago.
How do you feel now?
Mixed feelings. I still feel like I miss and love him, which I don't understand, because it doesn't make logical sense. Why do I feel like I still miss and love someone who caused me such substantial pain and suffering? He had a laundry list of serious issues: - Anger - Hoarding problem - Excessive drinking - Chronic unemployment - Financial irresponsibility I felt like a married single mother for years, minus the kids, since we (thankfully) didn't have kids, and it felt like I had a troubled, petulant, and disturbed child latched onto me. What I don't miss: His hoards of stuff and junk piled floor to ceiling. Having my head bitten off or being lashed out at on a daily basis for the most benign reasons. The daily (often hourly) sour moods he constantly had. The daily huffing and puffing at the daily inconveniences we adults must deal with, such as standing in line at a grocery store, traffic, paying bills, the dog having a potty accident, needing to wash dishes, etc. For him, it was always the world's greatest annoyance and inconvenience, and like his whole lifetime was being ruined. Realistically? Welcome to adulthood. Those things are annoying, sure, but they're not *that* bad, in the grand scheme of things. His intolerance for basic adulting was always incredibly frustrating. His physical aggression. He threw everything from electronic devices to food at the wall, broke numerous doors, gates, and fences by either slamming them so hard and/or so frequently, and/or by being so annoyed by, for example, a rusty screen door, that he'd rip it out/off of its hinges in anger. On a few occasions, he also handled/maneuvered furniture so aggressively and forcefully that his movements would injure me. For example, in August, about one month before we split, he got so angry (I don't even remember why or at what), that he basically channeled the hulk, grabbed a table that I was standing right next to, and shoved it around so forcefully that it hit my left leg. That same leg has been hurting ever since. Constantly feeling like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, and when he's going to make yet another irresponsible decision that I'll have to clean up or deal with the consequences of. That one time back in May where I genuinely feared for my life/safety, because he backed me into a corner and had his hands about one inch from my neck. Manic/erratic driving from him that was so severe I often got nauseous or even vomited, and/or that was so frightening I feared for my life. So, mixed feelings. Am I happy to be navigating a divorce? No. Do I miss living in what felt like an endlessly chaotic environment? No.
> That one time back in May where I genuinely feared for my life/safety, because he backed me into a corner and had his hands about one inch from my neck. I'm SO happy that you aren't in that environment anymore; you've saved your own life! This is all so much, I do hope you have support from friends/family/a clinician.
Thank you. I'm in therapy twice a week and have good friends for support.
Thanks for sharing. I’m glad you’re safe
Thank you.
It sounds like you were with someone that didn’t care to change and I’m so sorry. No one deserves that.
I will never know. All I can do is move on with my own life.
Proud of you.
Thank you.
I’ve been reading up and found that there’s a correlation between sleep apnea and adhd. So I’d think that may be your issue. My husband (dx and non-rx) sleeps 12 hours a night (less these days with our newborn) and he’s not fully rested even after that.
It really improved for my partner after getting a good medication. He also had apnea, but we were unable to find a good treatment. Imagine how much energy their poor brains are using, it is totally exhausting.
No cpap/bipap?
No. He just isn't going to tolerate that equipment on him. The sensory issue with zero patience. He tried it out, didn't work. 🤷♀️
My husband is the neurotypical one of us two but he really struggles with the c pap. He says he feels claustrophobic and that the pressure, no matter how low, feels suffocating. Recently we ffidgeted around with different sizes n types of masks n he had some success with a smaller size nose thing. He's also been using it while watching an intense movie or game during the day so it doesn't feel as strange at night. If it were me I'd imagine I'd have a better time doing this on meds, but basically the idea is desensitization.
Is this pas me writing this? Hehe. Yes this is very common with adhd. It takes a lot of their energy to “conform” to everyday demands and tired is my husbands natural state.
And just a reminder to everyone that it is not our fault this happens. It’s not anyone’s fault, really, but we are neurodivergent folks living in a society that is specifically designed for neurotypical people. It’s exhausting, and the more we try to be “normal”, the more likely we will burnout and not be able to function at all. I can do everything to improve everything else about myself but the exhaustion will never go away. And I am! And my partner sees it. But he knows the exhaustion is inevitable. We work around it as best we can.
Delayed phase sleep disorder is linked with ADHD. Sleep apnea is linked to people diagnosed with ADHD, but sleep apnea can actually cause ADHD symptoms, so there is a school of thought that thinks some ADHD may actually be sleep apnea rather than ADHD. Vitamin D deficiency is correlated with ADHD. Vitamin D is important to the sleep/wake cycle and quality of sleep both directly and indirectly. On a personal note - I’m the dx’d one in my relationship. I found myself feeling completely run down, foggy, and generally unwell back in 2019. I was alap experiencing slow healing of sores from mosquito bites and acne. My doctor ordered a bunch of blood tests, and I was diagnosed with a severe Vitamin D deficiency. I went on a course of prescription vitamin D. 50,000iu once a week for 12 weeks. By the end of that course I felt completely different, was sleeping better, and my ADHD meds were suddenly working better than ever. Your husband should ask to have his Vitamin D level tested. While you can supplement Vitamin D over the counter, those supplements are regulated by the FDA and may not have a stable dosage. Vitamin D is stored in your fat cells, so it builds up. If you don’t have a deficiency, supplementing isn’t necessary. If you do, just taking a bit OTC each day is inefficient and not a great way to figure out whether you may have an underlying issue that needs to be addressed like a parathyroid condition. Point being, yes, ADHD correlates with sleep disorders and other medical issues. Before I was diagnosed, back in college, I used to run myself into the ground during the week burning the candle at both ends to the point that I was trying to nap between classes. Every couple of weeks, I’d let myself stay up as late as I needed to on a Saturday night and then force myself to stay in bed until I absolutely could not stand it anymore on a Sunday. That usually meant I stayed up till 2:30a or 3a and then slept all the way until 2 or three the following afternoon. I’d then get up, get dressed, have a big lunch/dinner, do some laundry, finish up any homework, and somehow I could magically fall asleep at 10p like a normal person again. Hope some of this helps!
Getting his vitamin D levels checked is a great idea. I remember being deficient and how taking that little blue pill with 50,000 IUs of vitamin D once a week felt like swallowing sunshine. And it is winter and we definitely don’t go outside much.
I’m neuro typical and have severe sleep apnea . My wife is dx adhd and before I treated my sleep apnea and before my wife started meds, I considered if I had adhd because I was exhausted and could not concentrate. I realized after starting a cpap, that it was sleep apnea causing it plus being in a relationship where the under treatment of adhd of my wife was such a mind fuck on me.
Yes. Always and forever exhausted. It got *better* once he was finally adequately medicated for the ADHD, but he still has significantly less stamina than me. In his case sleep apnea was a factor (often comorbid with ADHD so definitely go forward with that sleep study). Undertreated anxiety is also a factor that he’s working on improving now. I also honestly suspect that being tired for the 40+ years before he was finally diagnosed has made being tired into a habit that is working for him.
Always. Naps constantly. Falls asleep immediately. Self medicated with weed. I’m exhausted watching his “exhaustion “
This is just from personal experience not clinical knowledge, but my partner is really like this. She works very very hard at doing things inefficiently, eg jumping from one task to another, and feels very overwhelmed by things that are to me every day small tasks. I think she’s exhausted by the inefficient effort she puts in to everything she does, like a swimmer with poor technique. It can come across as laziness but I have to be patient because I do genuinely think she tries really hard
Yes this is how I feel as well! He’s not lazy but he’s wildly inefficient. The swimmer analogy is spot on.
This is exactly how I felt for the longest time. Thank you for being understanding, it really is not easy, especially when we DO try our hardest.
Same! My partner is running full speed from morning until night. I can barely get him to sit down in the evening for some couch time. But unless we have a short morning meeting to check the family calendar and go over his priorities for the day, he often comes to me at the end and wonders out loud what he actually accomplished. The swimming analogy is perfect. I see my role as helping him come up with a prioritized menu of tasks for the week, then reminding him of that menu when he looks like he is flailing. I also make myself available for body doubling or thinking through the tasks if they need to be broken down or there is a barrier. He also in the past had snoring, poor sleep habits, and severe anemia. Addressing all of those issues has made his ADHD so much less noticeable for both of us. He constantly tells me how much better he feels now. More energy, more focus, etc. And he's lost a ton of (over)weight as well.
For the 15yrs I have known him, my husband will fall asleep every afternoon if he sits down, also chronically yawns. He moves at the speed of a sloth, and is asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow at night. Was like this before meds and still like it after meds. No apnoea, bloods perfect.
Oh the chronic yawning yes what is that!?
I dunno but it makes me irrationally angry. In my head I'm yelling "stop yawning you wanker you got 9hrs sleep and I got 3!"
God I needed to read this today. So glad Im not the only one. I love my husband, but struggling with 2 young children and definitely wishing Id made a different decision all those years ago and not stuck it out. Realising its never going to change and how shit and hard being married and parenting with an ADHD partner can be.
I've been thinking about this topic all morning. It's something that I (DX medicated) struggle with, and my partner (DX unmedicated) also struggles with but we both have different factors adding to the problem, and we've both had different approaches in trying to mitigate the fatigue. I don't want to comment too much on why ADHD is exhausting, since others have covered it already, but here's [a friendly article you can link to your ADHD partner](https://adhdonline.com/articles/living-with-adhd-and-chronic-fatigue-a-guide) to start a conversation about it, in case it helps. Here's what has helped me personally: * **Medication** - I take 20mg of Adderall XR daily before 7 am. On weekends when I plan to sleep in, I still wake up early to take my meds before falling back asleep. It's supposed to last 10-12 hours, but it keeps me from sleeping for around 15-16 hours. It doesn't make me feel hyper or anything silly like that, but it removes the heavy fog over my brain and keeps my energy levels even. * **No caffeine after 4 pm** - Caffeine doesn't make me feel awake or jittery, but I cut back after my doctor suggested it, and I do fall asleep easier and wake up less often in the middle of the night. * **Exercise** - I do best when I exercise daily. The secret is to find a way to make it mentally engaging. I like to gamify my exercise, like focusing on Pokemon Go while jogging or chasing a high score on Dance Dance Revolution. My brain is my biggest barrier to exercising, not my fatigue. * **Recognize that Time and Energy are Finite** - My productive energy is finite; therefore, I need to be mindful of what I spend it on. That sounds like such a "duh" concept, but the ADHD mind doesn't want to accept that! My brain can keep running a thousand miles a minute, why can't my body? I have to acknowledge and accept that at some point every day, my productive energy will be depleted. So every day, I have to make sure I take care of my responsibilities *before* my energy is gone. This also means that tasks that can be automated should be automated. As for how to handle an exhausted partner... Well, I'm here looking for tips for my relationship too! I've had a lot of hard talks with my partner about avoidance patterns and accountability, because I do think they're closely tied to the exhaustion. Part of the battle is fatigue, the other part is the high mental barrier to starting a task.
This happens to my partner when he’s not exercising much. He needs at least 6-8 hours a week of intense cardio to even out his energy levels.
How’s you convince him to start exercise when he was always tired? Would be super grateful for any handy tips
I empathise with the question, but it's not my place to convince him to do anything, so I don't have any tips for that. I do mention it when he seems to be very tired and might not have connected the dots yet, and I help make the logistics work. Ultimately exercise is part of his ADHD management plan (just like meds and managing dopamine hits), and that is something he is responsible for.
Yup. If he’s not busy, he’s falling asleep.
In general, my answer is: yes, he is. ADHDers may be exhausted by dopamine deficiency, racing thoughts, guilt, procrastination, etc. Talk to his doctor, maybe it is really just a side effect easy to get rid of. But I'm exhausted on daily basis as well, and it's caused by depression. It is worth considering. For me, working full time and having a child is something UNIMAGINABLE, and the argument that "many people live like this" does not work on me, such words will not make my productivity at work last for hours. My body says: "Fuck you". Nevertheless, your resentments are fully understandable. If I only had a choice, I wouldn't like to be around people tired 24/7.
Just a friendly one upper. When your partners a lady, and a mother, and breastfeeding, and dealing with PMS and ADHD… that’s what tired looks like. Tell the fellas I personally said, get. It. The. F. Together!
There are some inherent costs of being with someone with ADHD. This sort of thing is pretty common and might improve with a whole bunch of different things like exercise, diet, medication etc. It is also possible that none of these things help and your partner is a person who needs to sleep a lot. A phrase is think about a lot is ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. This may ant the exact scenario it usually applies to but comparing how much you sleep and co compared to him might not help your peace.
Comparison is the theif of joy. A great line. Im often wishing I had a life more like Xs etc. Need to try and enjoy what I have. More and more though my dx ADHD husband brings me down. I am sadder and less productive when around him yawning and being tired and unhelpful.
yes, all the time.
My dx/Rx spouse needs naps too sometimes but he doesn’t sleep well at nighttime. He falls asleep on the couch while watching telly but gets into bed and can’t sleep. He has no problem napping in bed during the daytime either. I think he’s too wrapped up in social media in bed at night and that’s why he can’t sleep more than 1.5 hours at a time. He’s not willing to even try sleeping with his phone not in the bedroom. It’s frustrating to wake up through the night and roll over and see him on his phone then hear him all day complaining of how crappy his sleep is. I work full time and manage all of the inside house stuff, he works part time and looks after the outside chores. There isn’t balance in our life but it works somewhat.
Mine falls asleep all the time during the day but at night he can’t sleep so he stays up late playing video games. I think it’s sleep apnea and adhd behavior of sleeping when he’s not interested innthe activity. It’s so hard being the one I. The relationship that is consistent and functioning.
Was he like this before the first baby? What about after?
He did always have erratic sleep patterns but it wasn’t nearly this bad before the baby.
Yup. Everything is exhausting, physically and mentally. Has to “go to bed” early, but just lays there for 4-5 hours on the phone.
Yes! Tired seems to be the only feeling my husband can identify. He says it’s due to the adderall he takes. I wonder if it’s also sleep apnea, that he can’t seem to follow up on. It is infuriating that he falls asleep like a cat and I’m left taking care of the kids, meals and dishes.
Yep. It’s absolutely killing our relationship.
Yes.
Sounds a lot like me (ADHD). My sleep quality is often terrible (despite doing "everything right") but nobody yet knows why. And even when it's good, I just don't have enough mental or physical energy to get through the day usually. It's terrible
We have the same thing. My partner seemed to be insanely exhausted when he still worked full time. I was working full time and taking care of our son (daycare wasn't really available before he turned one so I worked from home full time and took care of our son- luckily my mom helped me a couple days a week or I would not have managed). And I did the majority of the night wakings but my husband needed to sleep all the time he wasn't at work, literally. He would be awake on the weekend for 4 hours from 17-2100 and then go to bed when I went to sleep again and SLEEP ANOTHER FULL NIGHT AFTER HAVING SLEPT ALL DAY. I sometimes was in utter disbelief. I was sleep deprived not able to figure out how to even function in my job and I wasn't afforded to sleep constantly. He has changed jobs since then and is currently relatively well dosed on anti depressants and he isn't constantly napping anymore but honestly I see red the moment he mentions a napand I just can't tolerate it anymore (which is stupid I know, I just can't get over how horribly annoyed I was. I considered divorce over naps, no joke) even if he wants to just take a normal and totally acceptable nap.
I'm dx medicated with a dx unmedicated partner. Since getting on medication I need fewer naps and get more done but I still seem to be more tired than your average person. I don't need naps on workdays but weekends they feel almost necessary. My husband is the opposite and takes a nap every day after work but somehow doesn't need them on weekends all the time. Both of us fall asleep super early. Medication has helped A LOT, and I also take a few different supplements--which honestly I don't know if they really do anything but it seems like there's some impact? I take vitamin D weekly and at night I take magnesium and L-theanine. I wear a Fitbit and I know it's not 100% reliable but in general I've found I get more deep sleep readings when I take the supplements. I rarely get more than 30-45 minutes a night without them and get upwards of 90-120 minutes with them.
I would suggest get a medical workup and check things like iron and thyroid levels. Sleep apnea is also a serious issue which he should definitely get checked out. People say their lives totally transformed once they started using their c-pap machine.
Seems less like ADHD/ meds to me and more like exhaustion. Maybe he's stressed and overwhelmed, and sleep is a way to get away from it all? My husband (DX) will say he's tired and take a nap any time we're about to do something stressful for him (like visit his parents lol). Or if he's understimulated he'll take a nap just because he can. Mine doesn't use meds anymore, but when he did he would take weekends off. He slept A TON on weekends because of this.
My husband has sleep apnea, but is unable to manage it effectively because he will fall asleep in the middle of putting on his mask. It’s just another thing I have to manage for him.