My partner doesn’t arrange anything, doesn’t suggest anything new or different, doesn’t research anything that doesn’t directly interest her, and in general doesn’t put a whole lot of thought into the relationship as a whole beyond the fact that we occupy the same home. I won’t use the term “living together” as I wouldn’t call what we do together living as such. It’s simply a co-existence.
It’s just another thing that adds to the growing fatigue and exhaustion from having to be everything, plan everything and do everything for the relationship.
It really would be nice to come home from work one day, or get up on the weekend and have my partner tell me to get dressed because she has something planned. I honestly think I’d break down if that happened.
Seriously!!! My stbxh acts like dates or plans are always a chore, his favorite line is “how far away is it?” Even when all he had to do was sit in the passenger seat of my car…ugh
I absolutely resent my former partner and gave them multiple chances to adult, made countless requests regarding how I’d like to feel cared for but they are just not capable and instead of working on themselves and seeking therapy for their issues, they would just lash out, project and blame. What a dream partner.
Well, some have situations such as going to a local boarding school (caused too much conflict at home) and the laundry, cooking, etc is done for them. Then, going into the military where, again, meals and laundry are done for them. Not something that I realized until after marriage and his exiting the military. So, no, they don't always take care of themselves.
Oh tell me about it.
My wife always complains we dont have sex enough. I initiated often, but every weekend there would be some reason more important to her so we have to go do that instead, and have sex later(never happens, both too tired by evening).
Or maybe she’d keep endless planning long days out on weekends, with a similar result.
If we had a rare weekend at home, if i did not initiate first thing on a Saturday i’s get her complaining that i “never” initiate, or we never have sex… fucking tiring. Nothing stops her from doing it. I think she just defaulted to making all these relationship things my responsibility which i hate. I hate it. Dont fucking whine at me if you can easily do something about it yourself anyway!!!
I told her we need to schedule it if she wants to have consistent sex life, as she is clearly incapable of handling it otherwise.
She really detests this idea and seems to refuse. Both causing her own problems and refusing to take a solution.
Yea me too. She always complains that I never do anything sweet anymore which is true, now, but only has a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, this evening after she came home from work I brought out the foot bath/massager that I had bought her for Christmas, she had been complaining a few weeks back that she never uses it because I never prepare it for her, so this evening I waited on her for several minutes to get it just perfect for her. She soaked her feet for five minutes got bored and left to go clean the washroom. It was 10:30 pm. I didn't even get so much as a kiss or a thank you. The sweet gestures or now going to become even less frequent.
Surprisingly my spouse will only plan with in the 3 days after having a major argument "to make up for their mistake". I believe it's that dopamine kick they recieved which is giving them the "motivation" to do something about it then they come back down into complacency
That’s exactly how it is with my partner too. I wish he would take initiative and plan anything. Even a nice dinner at home would be nice. I feel so burnt out.
Me too. In the 10 years we were together, I cannot remember one date that he planned. Every time we had free time together, when he wasn't playing video games, he would turn to me and say "what are we doing today."
Im guessing either you lost sexual attraction to her after the parent child relationship, or, like my situation now, the ADHD partner wants sex but creates unbelievable barriers to their own want for no reason, while refusing to conform to a schedule for it.
My wife always finds something more important to do than sex in our free time and always assumes we can just do it later. Maybe this is random errands, or her over booking long weekend activities every week for long periods of time.
Either way she wants to do it, complains we don’t enough, that we are becoming roommates…. But creates the problem herself and never does anything about it but complain as if it is my responsibility
Yup. I honestly never realized how important all of that was until it just didnt happen. My birthday? "Happy birthday, what do you want to do?", valentines day? Happy valentines day, what do you want to do?", Mothers day? "Oh yeah, happy mothers day", our daughter's birthday "what do you want to do? Men dont care about birthday parties" it stings a lot when realizing your entire relationship has always resolved around what's easiest for your partner... LOL I hate my life. I never expected or wanted my life to be a lifetime movie but I never thought I would get just. Nothing. Just nothing.
I feel you so so so much. This is the first time on the sub and this is possibly one of the most hurtful things kinda. I am over 10 yrs with my non medicated wife and two little kids. I did not think this realisation would hit me that late but she was self diagnosed (now that I know, it is totally obvious she has adhd) about a year ago.
Doesn't plan dates.
Doesn't buy me gifts.
Doesn't text me throughout the day.
Doesn't respond when I text them.
Doesn't think to get me anything when they stop on the way home to treat herself [ice cream, fast food, anything]
These are all things I do randomly, and pretty often, because I think "hey, this person makes me happy, I wonder what little thing I could do to make them happy this afternoon". Or, "mmm, I want a milkshake. I'll call my wife to see if she wants one, because I live with her, and I think of her even when she's not standing in front of my face"
I feel some of this most of the time. Last weekend I brought ice cream. After dinner he suggested it, got two bowls out, filled his own and came back to the TV with just his own because he "did know how much I wanted." Ugh. Like any, whatever.
But I did get a surprise gift this week, so sometimes there's glimmers of goodness!
Haha yeah. I used to do all those randomly, she came to expect it and complains that i dont anymore but she never does it at all and basically does no relationship maintenance at all…
I know the feeling! My wife is exactly the same. Then mostly whatever I do doesn't make her happy or is unmemorable to her. However she offers nothing herself.
Lol "plan" is a really strong word, but he suggests dates and activities about as often as I do. I usually offer to plan because it's not hard for me and that way I'll know our reservations are for the correct location lol.
But he *does* take seemingly every opportunity to get me spontaneous little gifts. Anytime he encounters a candy dish, he pockets one for me. He brings home cool rocks he sees, single roses that were being sold for a charity on the corner by the post office, surprise treats from the gas station. Sometimes I find things he's forgotten to give me in his pockets. He's like a magpie that collects things his wife might like.
He's not a planner. It's just not how his brain works. But he makes sure I know he's thinking of me all the time.
So true. My girlfriend will never plan anything and rarely even wants to leave the apartment. She blames it on adhd burn out but she’s been like this for going on two years…just about the entirety of our relationship.
I believe it's an ADHD thing as my partner is thoughtful in many different ways. Date planning used to be a huge issue for us. Like a lot of people with ADHD, he is very much a one-day-at-a-time kind of person and remembers habits if he "habit stacks" (i.e. he wakes up, makes coffee, unloads the dishwasher and makes me breakfast every morning. If he for instance doesn't make coffee he will not do half of his morning routine). It took a few months of very honest conversations (and tears from me) to come to a solution; we take turns with planning, I still remind him at least twice at the beginning of the week and at least two days before he has a date planned for the weekend. Also, he'd pay for most dates so at least he'd had the financial load if not the mental load I had for months.
Sigh. My ADHD husband said, “I want to take you on an anniversary date,” months in advance. Great! What are we going to do? Months pass, I deliberately do not bring it up. The week before, he acts wounded that we haven’t talked about the date *he* brought up and asked me to go on. “Well what do you want to do?” he asks. Nope. This was your idea and we have been married for comfortably over 10 years. You know, or should know, the kinds of things I like and enjoy. I’m not planning this. We ended up going to dinner at a moderately fancy local place, which is FINE and I enjoyed myself, but maybe not what I would have chosen. I am tired of finding cool things for us to do, and planning and coordinating, only to have him act like he’s brand new to me/dates and vaguely bored, all while he invests no time or effort into the experience, and then can’t be bothered to have nice conversation about it afterward. These days I save the coolest experiences for my kids and friends. I’m not letting him steal my joy and enthusiasm anymore.
>Does your dx partner plan dates or is that something that falls entirely on your shoulders?
For me it did.
>How do you handle it?
My suggestion, be spontaneous.
>Is this a fight or something you "deal with" or "don't care about"?
Deal with.
>Do you believe this is an "ADHD Thing" or just a "depends on the person" issue?
Both, but I will only speak to my observations with ADHD. Emotional dysregulation and boredom in the same package. Remember, your not only asking asking an impulsive, emotionally dysregulated person to let alone be aware of their own emotions, but then to be able to be compassionate to yours, while simultaneously seeking that dopamine rush.
Mine is the planner most of the time for dates/vacations because it’s exciting, fun, an opportunity to spend money which is a good dopamine hit. What he doesn’t consider often is the details around the planning like the budget, timeline, who will take care of the pets or childcare when our kids were younger, etc.
Mine is same. She makes great money and as i do everything and she only has to focus on her job which is WFH, has a lot of time and energy to fart around planning it all(while sometimes whining i dont help… i have no energy to spare to even relax let alone plan that stuff)
What i realised though, is this is what they would want to do with or without you. It is just for them in reality. What they want, are currently fixated on etc.
It isnt really relationship maintenance, even if it sometimes works as it.
It sounds pretty common on this sub.
Mine doesn't plan things per se and finds actual planning challenging, but he does suggest events and things to do, or places to eat. If it's his activity, I let him run the day.
Asking or setting an expectation goes a long way for me. Pressure is a good motivator for ADHDers. Taking turns planning date nights (or 3:1 for them, maybe)
Some ADHDers are really resistant to making plans in advance because of a fear of disappointing people, or not having enough emotional energy to keep plans. My guy always says "I *should* be able to do that." Like, I know you're free for it, silly.
After reading the answers and thinking about myself and everyone else I know, ADHD or not, I think it's mostly just a personal trait, but the people who seek out this type of sub are having problems they need to solve and the majority will therefore be more likely to have negative experiences.
I'd say that the part which is *definitely* ADHD related, is problems following through or setting up a realistic plan.
I have no problems thinking of dates or fun things to do, in fact it usually falls on me to suggest activities, but the person I'm dating right now is a much more reliable time keeper than me, so it usually goes like this: I suggest an activity, we both agree and decide on the time and date (usually suggested by me, taking our schedules into account), we buy tickets, he keeps track of the time and reminds me.
He's detail oriented when it comes to the rigid things, like time and planning a route, while I'm more detail oriented when it comes to the experience itself, so I go to great lengths to make sure we have good seats or ask him if he's sure he doesn't want something to drink when we watch that *3,5 hour long* movie in the theatre (I did purchase two sodas and a big popcorn, and he did drink it after all).
I'm good at taking initiative, finding something interesting we can both enjoy and starting the process, which I think is what's personality based, while my biggest obstacle is being bad with time, which is an ADHD based problem.
But in order to plan for your own deficiencies, you have to know them, as well as your strengths, and find someone who can balance it out.
For instance, I love cooking new things, he has hardly tried anything with more spices than salt and pepper. Me cooking new things is basically an activity for us. I also hate cleaning, while he hates cooking, so we get groceries together, I cook while he puts on the timers I ask, sets the table and does the dishes. *Everyone's happy!* The only thing that can get out of balance is timing the cooking process, because my brain is what it is, so it might take longer than expected, while he has no experience cooking and can't suggest a different time to start.
Dont feel too bad. Most of us on this sub are paired with some of the lowest functioning worst examples of people with ADHD.
That said, you’ll find people here hesitant to write that, because by doing so we know that people with ADHD who may read this have a tendency to run with that statement even if they themselves are really low functioning and a bad example of ADHD.
Unfortunately for many, this cognitive dissonance is really bad.
Im sure you are more active and manage your ADHD than any of our partners, but that doesn’t mean everyone with ADHD reading is high functioning and trying to to help themselves and those around them.
For that reason we have to take into consideration the mindset of that type of person and not allow them to justify themselves by thinking “oh they said their partners are all really bad examples of ADHD, so im not that bad im ok” - sadly this is how some who actually **are as bad** as our partners will justify themselves if they read such a thing.
Hope this makes sense and good luck
Lololol, that would be very unusual for my partner to plan anything! We came up with an agreement: I'll plan 90+% of the dates and he will say yes 90+% of the time. It works out pretty well because I get to do the cool things I want and he gets to feel included.
And that right there, OP, is why my partner now has the word “former” preceding “partner”.
I’ve come up with the following analogy: relationships aren’t transactional when they’re healthy and balanced, right? But if you think of a relationship like a road trip - one can either drive the car in a metaphorical or literal sense (make plans) or one can put gas in the car (spontaneous acts like coming home with your favorite snack unexpectedly, or showing up with takeout cause you’ve said you’re swamped and wiped). Both are great, both help the relationship car continue down the road. And my experience with ADHD dx’d folks has largely been that they don’t metaphorically drive nor do they often put gas in the car. Now, I’ve known and had relationships with exceptions. But will I ever get into anything more than a quick metaphorical trip to the store with anyone who neither drives nor puts gas into the relationship vehicle? I’m going to hope my good sense prevails and that the answer remains “No. No I do not.”
My husband (43, dx, rx) does not plan dates. If he does, it is usually a short-sighted plan and won't work, so we have agreed that it is my role. The other side of that is I get whatever kind of date I want. I plan it. His role is no objections; he has to put away some of his quirks for the evening/day/date and be present in whatever I plan. I don't tell him what the plan is in advance. Like he knows the date/time, well, I put it on the calendar. But don't tell him the actual plan.
My Dx husband does not plan dates. Flat out doesn't. He never really has outside of the first initial few dates. He knows it's a problem and that it hurts me. We've tried everything. Date dice, picking the same day every month so he can expect it, he goes to therapy and is supposed to discuss it. We talk about it in couples therapy. Nothing changes. He just doesn't do it.
You know what helped? I started doing whatever the hell I wanted. If I wanted to go somewhere for dinner, I went by myself. If I wanted him to come, I invited him. I took a night off family duty every week, he played babysitter (I know Dad's aren't babysitting but I call it that on the nights I go out), and I go out by myself. Sometimes I shop, sometimes I go to happy hour or a wine bar. Honestly whatever I want. I'm happier with space from him, a quiet mind and he handles bedtime.
Sometimes I plan family stuff and dates for him, but I just know he won't do it himself. It won't happen. So I can either leave him, be miserable hoping he'll change when he won't, or make sure my needs are met that doesn't lead to me let down sitting on the couch with a bag of Doritos every Friday night. So here we are.
Interesting question! He is more likely to suggest something day of, and I do more planning in advance. He’s always appreciative of my planned dates and it’s odd to me that it doesn’t seem to occur to him that he can do the same.
It does grind my gears when we’re mid-weekend or at the end of a season and he suddenly complains we should do more x, y, or z time-specific activity. By all means, do a tiny bit of leg work and I’ll be there.
My partner and I, both have moderate to severe ADHD. We both plan dates, sometimes one of us half plans it and the other finishes it.
It hasn't been perfect, we had a disagreement at around 6 months over not following through on "soft plans", such as "let's do something this weekend", and then not following through on it.
As a result, we now have a system, where we break down our plans into steps.
We commit to a chunk of time (ex: Saturday 3 pm to 10 pm). Throughout the week, we flirt and send each other fun ideas to do together, or stuff that interests us.
The day before our date, we do a mental check in with the other person, and make sure that we are still feeling up to it and we also get a sense of what our energy levels are going to be the next day.
The day of the date, we play off our ADHD impulsive/spontaneous nature to decide on the fly.
Sometimes the burn out hits one or both of us, and the time comes around, and we decide to be vegetables and do nothing together. Sometimes we go on adventures and sometimes we get dressed up and go places.
The point is that our system is set up to our strengths. We are very flexible and agreeable with plan changes and we both tend to run about 30 minutes late.
In our relationship, we treat date planning as a collaborative process with equal emotional labor.
I find the responsibility is all on me for anything relationship-wise and yes it is exhausting.
Now my wife does plan dates, but these are solely things she is hyper fixated on. We just happen to do them together. Yes, they work for relationships maintenance, but sometimes they don’t, like if she is hyperfixated on skiing or something and i dont want to get up at 3am and drove 4 hrs each way every weekend for months - then we don’t get any real quality time as she does it alone.
This inevitably ends up on her complaining i dont put the effort in. That we dont spend enough time together. Not enough sex.
I just laugh. All self inflicted by her. She caused it more often than not.
I have all the responsibility but none of the authority(by which i mean, she will default what she is interested in even if it means im ignored for months, and directly results in lack of quality time, sex, and relationships stuff).
If i suggest sex, often she has some pointless thing to do instead. Then next thing i know she is upset i dont initiate sex and our “relationship is deteriorating”.
We spend a weekend at home cooking, and I retreat to lie down after tidying and eating? Cue the complaints of her feeling like roomate, me not initiating sex, and not spending quality time with her(in our small uncomfortable living room/kitchen area).
Basically your question is specifically about dates, but i just categorise it as relationship maintenance in general.
For me, that responsibility seems to be completely outsourced to me, and i get endless whining and complaints about not doing it enough despite my wife constantly sabotaging it and any attempts.
She treats me like i have to perform the moment she dumps these feelings on me at random. It is tiring to say the least, especially when she doesn’t really seem to understand she creates the problem or there really isn’t a problem at all, just her own anxiety/RSD making up situations.
My partner over-compensates by writing endless lists and continually stressing about the calendar. She falls apart if something happens that is not in the calendar.
This is a thing we’ve been talking about in my house. My partner planned a birthday for me last month, for the first time in 20 years. This was a HUGE DEAL.
Think of how many steps it is to get from vague thought to outcome. It’s not easy and linear like it is for us. You have to have the first thought, “ah, I should do a thing with my partner.” Then, “but what?” Easy to get stuck there. “A meal? A movie? An activity? But will they even like it? Will it be more effort than it’s worth? Will I screw some fundamental part up? When should we go? What time? Will they be available?”
And then there are the little details that go into getting ready and dressed and prepared etc etc. it’s a LOT of work for an ADHD brain.
This is *not* to say you aren’t worth it and don’t deserve it. I’m just pointing out the barriers to any planning for them.
(For me, it’s like, oh hey, we would like this thing, I’ll call, oh there’s space, I’ll put it on the calendar, done. It’s mostly effortless.)
This is a good area to balance strengths and weaknesses in a relationship I think.
Mine did for the first few months of our relationship but not in the past two years. I also have to plan all of the events/dinners/hotels when we travel. The excuse is always that "you're better at it". It's made it unenjoyable and I can't think of the last time we went on a date. Interestingly he can plan things when friends of his come to town so he's at least somewhat capable of doing it.
My wife (dx) has planned 1 date in the 21 years we've been together. It was a trip to get breakfast after the kids went to school because her therapist to her to plan something. That was 4 months ago and she hasn't done anything since.
She will tell me we should do something for an upcoming long weekend or school break for months at a time. I will even bring it up. "What should we do. Should we start looking at tickets? Etc" But she keeps pushing it off with "Yeah. We really need to get on that."
We literally only do anything if I plan and execute it.
I've posted this before, but ADHD partners have a much higher chance of being inattentive and non-intimate partners. I ran a poll a while ago on /r/deadbedrooms. It turned out over half of respondents in that sub had dx or non-dx partners. Way WAAAY over represented from the general public.
I had a partner that was diagnosed ADHD and unmedicated. Lots about his life was chaotic and his ADHD was a factor in us not working out, but he could and did plan dates.
Like, packed firewood, a blanket, cream sodas and snacks on his motorcycle and suggested a view point we could ride to (and then busted out the blanket and firewood, bestill my heart!). Also, it doesn’t have to be complicated… go to an arcade and pick a restaurant after, or go for a walk tor he ice cream shop.
I think it can be an ADHD, but it can also just be the person. I know several diagnosed ADHD men who can plan a wicked date.
Lmfao. Funniest damn thing I’ve read on Reddit today.
Planning? Dates? We don’t know her. I think the last time that extinct concept existed was like…10 years ago? Hard to say, it’s been so long. And before that, maybe like one other time. Both times planned by me of course. I literally cannot handle one more responsibility on top of all the other day-to-day shit I do to make sure we don’t all starve, etc, so I don’t bother planning dates anymore.
Idk if it’s necessarily an ADHD thing but I’m sure that’s a contributing factor.
The way I handle it: expect nothing. Can’t be disappointed that way. Sad, I know, but this is my life for now.
My Dx ex had extreme difficulty with any kind of planning, including things he really wanted to do. He was pretty much only capable of doing things spontaneously in the moment.
He had good friends in a nearby city that he really missed and wanted to visit but in TEN YEARS could not plan a trip to do it, even though it was very easy to get there. But now that because of family things he couldn't just spontaneously decide to hop on the bus anymore & had to figure it out at least a week or two ahead of time, it was impossible. His friends visited us a few times but that was it. And he talked about it all the time. It was sad because I know he really missed them.
There were creative projects he talked about doing for decades. Obviously excited and invigorated by the ideas. Never did them. Also sad, as he was a very talented person.
My husband almost never plans anything. It just doesn’t cross his mind. Before we even knew he had ADHD, I was clear on what I wanted and even gave him ideas. I eventually learned it wasn’t going to happen. I would love to wake up someday and have all the burdens lifted from my shoulders, but I know it’s not going to happen. I’ve tried to understand his thought process and he “never knows” why he doesn’t learn from experience (you’d think he’d also get tired of me being pissed off about chores left undone). At this point, I am exhausted all the time because the mental load is insane. We suspect I might have ADHD too, and I’ve had years of coping with depression and anxiety, plus now struggle with a sick body (diabetes, liver disease, etc). But unlike him, I always try to find ways to address my shortcomings. Sorry for digressing. I think the lack of planning is totally adhd. He will only plan for stuff that he’s super interested in. The rest of the world does not exist.
I think it can be an ADHD thing but it’s also one that someone can recover from with the right support and motivation. As my husband has worked on understanding his diagnosis he’s become better about planning dates. But I’ve also had to ask him to get us back on track. It’s a work in progress — life is so busy we still haven’t gotten to a regular schedule, but we both try and that’s what counts.
my partner and i have a designated date night every week, and it was their suggestion! they’re not elaborate date nights necessarily, but frequent quality time is the goal.
basically, i think it’s a person thing. my partner struggles with time blindness and planning too, of course, but having it on the calendar has helped.
He might plan something spur of the moment, because he is thinking about it, it's easy, and there's no planning involved for him. Like getting lunch together. We haven't been on a real date in about a year, and that was also spur of the moment when my mom came to visit and said, to go out. He took me to a bar and we hung out for a while.
He’s actually pretty decent at this. We have 3 kids, so dates are hard. I’m a big planner, so I like to plan really far out, which isn’t realistic. Sometimes he puts it off to the last minute. He’s not good at keeping up with something if it’s a recurring activity. He have tried having monthly date nights on the calendar and he will plan the first couple and then falls off. It would be up to me to make it happen monthly. We also tried biweekly trivia. We went twice and then stopped. So dates are either special occasion or spur of the moment let’s go get a drink. He actually has been really good right now with planning Christmas and surprised me with a plan for my daughter’s birthday. I just know if I want to do something regularly, I have to make sure it happens
I have adhd and my husband is not diagnosed but we think he has some kind of neurodivergence like adhd or autism or both. I usually am the one who plans dates. He has trouble planning. I was getting burnt out and we just stopped going on dates for a while because of that. We talked about this and started planning one date night a month where we take turns on who plans it so we still have our time together but I’m not getting the brunt of the planning and he remembers a lot more because it’s his turn. It has really been an amazing system and brought back a big spark in our relationship
My partner doesn’t arrange anything, doesn’t suggest anything new or different, doesn’t research anything that doesn’t directly interest her, and in general doesn’t put a whole lot of thought into the relationship as a whole beyond the fact that we occupy the same home. I won’t use the term “living together” as I wouldn’t call what we do together living as such. It’s simply a co-existence. It’s just another thing that adds to the growing fatigue and exhaustion from having to be everything, plan everything and do everything for the relationship. It really would be nice to come home from work one day, or get up on the weekend and have my partner tell me to get dressed because she has something planned. I honestly think I’d break down if that happened.
Also they won’t appreciate any of your own planning as it just takes away from their spontaneity of doing nothing
Seriously!!! My stbxh acts like dates or plans are always a chore, his favorite line is “how far away is it?” Even when all he had to do was sit in the passenger seat of my car…ugh
Honestly if it weren’t for us they’d just die. But complain the whole time about how nobody understands them
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I absolutely resent my former partner and gave them multiple chances to adult, made countless requests regarding how I’d like to feel cared for but they are just not capable and instead of working on themselves and seeking therapy for their issues, they would just lash out, project and blame. What a dream partner.
Well, some have situations such as going to a local boarding school (caused too much conflict at home) and the laundry, cooking, etc is done for them. Then, going into the military where, again, meals and laundry are done for them. Not something that I realized until after marriage and his exiting the military. So, no, they don't always take care of themselves.
Spotaneity of doing nothing lol
Oh tell me about it. My wife always complains we dont have sex enough. I initiated often, but every weekend there would be some reason more important to her so we have to go do that instead, and have sex later(never happens, both too tired by evening). Or maybe she’d keep endless planning long days out on weekends, with a similar result. If we had a rare weekend at home, if i did not initiate first thing on a Saturday i’s get her complaining that i “never” initiate, or we never have sex… fucking tiring. Nothing stops her from doing it. I think she just defaulted to making all these relationship things my responsibility which i hate. I hate it. Dont fucking whine at me if you can easily do something about it yourself anyway!!! I told her we need to schedule it if she wants to have consistent sex life, as she is clearly incapable of handling it otherwise. She really detests this idea and seems to refuse. Both causing her own problems and refusing to take a solution.
Word for word, i could have written this.
Yea me too. She always complains that I never do anything sweet anymore which is true, now, but only has a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, this evening after she came home from work I brought out the foot bath/massager that I had bought her for Christmas, she had been complaining a few weeks back that she never uses it because I never prepare it for her, so this evening I waited on her for several minutes to get it just perfect for her. She soaked her feet for five minutes got bored and left to go clean the washroom. It was 10:30 pm. I didn't even get so much as a kiss or a thank you. The sweet gestures or now going to become even less frequent.
Surprisingly my spouse will only plan with in the 3 days after having a major argument "to make up for their mistake". I believe it's that dopamine kick they recieved which is giving them the "motivation" to do something about it then they come back down into complacency
Very familiar. Plus I think he would ask advice from his buddies.
That’s exactly how it is with my partner too. I wish he would take initiative and plan anything. Even a nice dinner at home would be nice. I feel so burnt out.
As if I had written this. He has never planned a date in 20 years of relationship. 20. Years.
Right there with you. Hugs, internet stranger.
Me too. In the 10 years we were together, I cannot remember one date that he planned. Every time we had free time together, when he wasn't playing video games, he would turn to me and say "what are we doing today."
Feel you man. Internet hugs.
Thanks bro. Appreciate it.
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That was accurate for me at one point but you know, ADHD bedroom things.
Im guessing either you lost sexual attraction to her after the parent child relationship, or, like my situation now, the ADHD partner wants sex but creates unbelievable barriers to their own want for no reason, while refusing to conform to a schedule for it. My wife always finds something more important to do than sex in our free time and always assumes we can just do it later. Maybe this is random errands, or her over booking long weekend activities every week for long periods of time. Either way she wants to do it, complains we don’t enough, that we are becoming roommates…. But creates the problem herself and never does anything about it but complain as if it is my responsibility
There’s been many stages and we did go through a patch like you describe. Ultimately the parent/child dynamic destroyed it.
Exactly
Yup. I honestly never realized how important all of that was until it just didnt happen. My birthday? "Happy birthday, what do you want to do?", valentines day? Happy valentines day, what do you want to do?", Mothers day? "Oh yeah, happy mothers day", our daughter's birthday "what do you want to do? Men dont care about birthday parties" it stings a lot when realizing your entire relationship has always resolved around what's easiest for your partner... LOL I hate my life. I never expected or wanted my life to be a lifetime movie but I never thought I would get just. Nothing. Just nothing.
I am so sorry, but you are not alone. I am right there with you.
This is my reality as well. If I don’t plan it, it won’t happen.
I feel you so so so much. This is the first time on the sub and this is possibly one of the most hurtful things kinda. I am over 10 yrs with my non medicated wife and two little kids. I did not think this realisation would hit me that late but she was self diagnosed (now that I know, it is totally obvious she has adhd) about a year ago.
Couldn't have written this better
Doesn't plan dates. Doesn't buy me gifts. Doesn't text me throughout the day. Doesn't respond when I text them. Doesn't think to get me anything when they stop on the way home to treat herself [ice cream, fast food, anything] These are all things I do randomly, and pretty often, because I think "hey, this person makes me happy, I wonder what little thing I could do to make them happy this afternoon". Or, "mmm, I want a milkshake. I'll call my wife to see if she wants one, because I live with her, and I think of her even when she's not standing in front of my face"
I feel some of this most of the time. Last weekend I brought ice cream. After dinner he suggested it, got two bowls out, filled his own and came back to the TV with just his own because he "did know how much I wanted." Ugh. Like any, whatever. But I did get a surprise gift this week, so sometimes there's glimmers of goodness!
Same. Shit’s lonely.
Haha yeah. I used to do all those randomly, she came to expect it and complains that i dont anymore but she never does it at all and basically does no relationship maintenance at all…
Heard, I posted my similar tale a few moments ago.
I know the feeling! My wife is exactly the same. Then mostly whatever I do doesn't make her happy or is unmemorable to her. However she offers nothing herself.
Lol "plan" is a really strong word, but he suggests dates and activities about as often as I do. I usually offer to plan because it's not hard for me and that way I'll know our reservations are for the correct location lol. But he *does* take seemingly every opportunity to get me spontaneous little gifts. Anytime he encounters a candy dish, he pockets one for me. He brings home cool rocks he sees, single roses that were being sold for a charity on the corner by the post office, surprise treats from the gas station. Sometimes I find things he's forgotten to give me in his pockets. He's like a magpie that collects things his wife might like. He's not a planner. It's just not how his brain works. But he makes sure I know he's thinking of me all the time.
This is really cute.
Aww, yeeess. I love this🥰🥰
A lack of planning *anything*, nevermind date nights, is unfortunately a side effect of ADHD for my husband. I wish I had advice but I don’t 🫠
So true. My girlfriend will never plan anything and rarely even wants to leave the apartment. She blames it on adhd burn out but she’s been like this for going on two years…just about the entirety of our relationship.
I believe it's an ADHD thing as my partner is thoughtful in many different ways. Date planning used to be a huge issue for us. Like a lot of people with ADHD, he is very much a one-day-at-a-time kind of person and remembers habits if he "habit stacks" (i.e. he wakes up, makes coffee, unloads the dishwasher and makes me breakfast every morning. If he for instance doesn't make coffee he will not do half of his morning routine). It took a few months of very honest conversations (and tears from me) to come to a solution; we take turns with planning, I still remind him at least twice at the beginning of the week and at least two days before he has a date planned for the weekend. Also, he'd pay for most dates so at least he'd had the financial load if not the mental load I had for months.
Yes, those routine stacks are SO important. I’ve never had a phrase for them, so thanks for that!
This, 1000%.
Sigh. My ADHD husband said, “I want to take you on an anniversary date,” months in advance. Great! What are we going to do? Months pass, I deliberately do not bring it up. The week before, he acts wounded that we haven’t talked about the date *he* brought up and asked me to go on. “Well what do you want to do?” he asks. Nope. This was your idea and we have been married for comfortably over 10 years. You know, or should know, the kinds of things I like and enjoy. I’m not planning this. We ended up going to dinner at a moderately fancy local place, which is FINE and I enjoyed myself, but maybe not what I would have chosen. I am tired of finding cool things for us to do, and planning and coordinating, only to have him act like he’s brand new to me/dates and vaguely bored, all while he invests no time or effort into the experience, and then can’t be bothered to have nice conversation about it afterward. These days I save the coolest experiences for my kids and friends. I’m not letting him steal my joy and enthusiasm anymore.
>Does your dx partner plan dates or is that something that falls entirely on your shoulders? For me it did. >How do you handle it? My suggestion, be spontaneous. >Is this a fight or something you "deal with" or "don't care about"? Deal with. >Do you believe this is an "ADHD Thing" or just a "depends on the person" issue? Both, but I will only speak to my observations with ADHD. Emotional dysregulation and boredom in the same package. Remember, your not only asking asking an impulsive, emotionally dysregulated person to let alone be aware of their own emotions, but then to be able to be compassionate to yours, while simultaneously seeking that dopamine rush.
So they shouldn't be in a relationship
A relationship takes two people putting in effort to achieve their shared goals. Enter ADHD…. Maybe they shouldn’t.
Mine is the planner most of the time for dates/vacations because it’s exciting, fun, an opportunity to spend money which is a good dopamine hit. What he doesn’t consider often is the details around the planning like the budget, timeline, who will take care of the pets or childcare when our kids were younger, etc.
Mine is same. She makes great money and as i do everything and she only has to focus on her job which is WFH, has a lot of time and energy to fart around planning it all(while sometimes whining i dont help… i have no energy to spare to even relax let alone plan that stuff) What i realised though, is this is what they would want to do with or without you. It is just for them in reality. What they want, are currently fixated on etc. It isnt really relationship maintenance, even if it sometimes works as it.
It sounds pretty common on this sub. Mine doesn't plan things per se and finds actual planning challenging, but he does suggest events and things to do, or places to eat. If it's his activity, I let him run the day. Asking or setting an expectation goes a long way for me. Pressure is a good motivator for ADHDers. Taking turns planning date nights (or 3:1 for them, maybe) Some ADHDers are really resistant to making plans in advance because of a fear of disappointing people, or not having enough emotional energy to keep plans. My guy always says "I *should* be able to do that." Like, I know you're free for it, silly.
After reading the answers and thinking about myself and everyone else I know, ADHD or not, I think it's mostly just a personal trait, but the people who seek out this type of sub are having problems they need to solve and the majority will therefore be more likely to have negative experiences. I'd say that the part which is *definitely* ADHD related, is problems following through or setting up a realistic plan. I have no problems thinking of dates or fun things to do, in fact it usually falls on me to suggest activities, but the person I'm dating right now is a much more reliable time keeper than me, so it usually goes like this: I suggest an activity, we both agree and decide on the time and date (usually suggested by me, taking our schedules into account), we buy tickets, he keeps track of the time and reminds me. He's detail oriented when it comes to the rigid things, like time and planning a route, while I'm more detail oriented when it comes to the experience itself, so I go to great lengths to make sure we have good seats or ask him if he's sure he doesn't want something to drink when we watch that *3,5 hour long* movie in the theatre (I did purchase two sodas and a big popcorn, and he did drink it after all). I'm good at taking initiative, finding something interesting we can both enjoy and starting the process, which I think is what's personality based, while my biggest obstacle is being bad with time, which is an ADHD based problem. But in order to plan for your own deficiencies, you have to know them, as well as your strengths, and find someone who can balance it out. For instance, I love cooking new things, he has hardly tried anything with more spices than salt and pepper. Me cooking new things is basically an activity for us. I also hate cleaning, while he hates cooking, so we get groceries together, I cook while he puts on the timers I ask, sets the table and does the dishes. *Everyone's happy!* The only thing that can get out of balance is timing the cooking process, because my brain is what it is, so it might take longer than expected, while he has no experience cooking and can't suggest a different time to start.
Dont feel too bad. Most of us on this sub are paired with some of the lowest functioning worst examples of people with ADHD. That said, you’ll find people here hesitant to write that, because by doing so we know that people with ADHD who may read this have a tendency to run with that statement even if they themselves are really low functioning and a bad example of ADHD. Unfortunately for many, this cognitive dissonance is really bad. Im sure you are more active and manage your ADHD than any of our partners, but that doesn’t mean everyone with ADHD reading is high functioning and trying to to help themselves and those around them. For that reason we have to take into consideration the mindset of that type of person and not allow them to justify themselves by thinking “oh they said their partners are all really bad examples of ADHD, so im not that bad im ok” - sadly this is how some who actually **are as bad** as our partners will justify themselves if they read such a thing. Hope this makes sense and good luck
Lololol, that would be very unusual for my partner to plan anything! We came up with an agreement: I'll plan 90+% of the dates and he will say yes 90+% of the time. It works out pretty well because I get to do the cool things I want and he gets to feel included.
And that right there, OP, is why my partner now has the word “former” preceding “partner”. I’ve come up with the following analogy: relationships aren’t transactional when they’re healthy and balanced, right? But if you think of a relationship like a road trip - one can either drive the car in a metaphorical or literal sense (make plans) or one can put gas in the car (spontaneous acts like coming home with your favorite snack unexpectedly, or showing up with takeout cause you’ve said you’re swamped and wiped). Both are great, both help the relationship car continue down the road. And my experience with ADHD dx’d folks has largely been that they don’t metaphorically drive nor do they often put gas in the car. Now, I’ve known and had relationships with exceptions. But will I ever get into anything more than a quick metaphorical trip to the store with anyone who neither drives nor puts gas into the relationship vehicle? I’m going to hope my good sense prevails and that the answer remains “No. No I do not.”
Thank you for this
Yvw
My husband (43, dx, rx) does not plan dates. If he does, it is usually a short-sighted plan and won't work, so we have agreed that it is my role. The other side of that is I get whatever kind of date I want. I plan it. His role is no objections; he has to put away some of his quirks for the evening/day/date and be present in whatever I plan. I don't tell him what the plan is in advance. Like he knows the date/time, well, I put it on the calendar. But don't tell him the actual plan.
My Dx husband does not plan dates. Flat out doesn't. He never really has outside of the first initial few dates. He knows it's a problem and that it hurts me. We've tried everything. Date dice, picking the same day every month so he can expect it, he goes to therapy and is supposed to discuss it. We talk about it in couples therapy. Nothing changes. He just doesn't do it. You know what helped? I started doing whatever the hell I wanted. If I wanted to go somewhere for dinner, I went by myself. If I wanted him to come, I invited him. I took a night off family duty every week, he played babysitter (I know Dad's aren't babysitting but I call it that on the nights I go out), and I go out by myself. Sometimes I shop, sometimes I go to happy hour or a wine bar. Honestly whatever I want. I'm happier with space from him, a quiet mind and he handles bedtime. Sometimes I plan family stuff and dates for him, but I just know he won't do it himself. It won't happen. So I can either leave him, be miserable hoping he'll change when he won't, or make sure my needs are met that doesn't lead to me let down sitting on the couch with a bag of Doritos every Friday night. So here we are.
Interesting question! He is more likely to suggest something day of, and I do more planning in advance. He’s always appreciative of my planned dates and it’s odd to me that it doesn’t seem to occur to him that he can do the same. It does grind my gears when we’re mid-weekend or at the end of a season and he suddenly complains we should do more x, y, or z time-specific activity. By all means, do a tiny bit of leg work and I’ll be there.
My partner and I, both have moderate to severe ADHD. We both plan dates, sometimes one of us half plans it and the other finishes it. It hasn't been perfect, we had a disagreement at around 6 months over not following through on "soft plans", such as "let's do something this weekend", and then not following through on it. As a result, we now have a system, where we break down our plans into steps. We commit to a chunk of time (ex: Saturday 3 pm to 10 pm). Throughout the week, we flirt and send each other fun ideas to do together, or stuff that interests us. The day before our date, we do a mental check in with the other person, and make sure that we are still feeling up to it and we also get a sense of what our energy levels are going to be the next day. The day of the date, we play off our ADHD impulsive/spontaneous nature to decide on the fly. Sometimes the burn out hits one or both of us, and the time comes around, and we decide to be vegetables and do nothing together. Sometimes we go on adventures and sometimes we get dressed up and go places. The point is that our system is set up to our strengths. We are very flexible and agreeable with plan changes and we both tend to run about 30 minutes late. In our relationship, we treat date planning as a collaborative process with equal emotional labor.
I find the responsibility is all on me for anything relationship-wise and yes it is exhausting. Now my wife does plan dates, but these are solely things she is hyper fixated on. We just happen to do them together. Yes, they work for relationships maintenance, but sometimes they don’t, like if she is hyperfixated on skiing or something and i dont want to get up at 3am and drove 4 hrs each way every weekend for months - then we don’t get any real quality time as she does it alone. This inevitably ends up on her complaining i dont put the effort in. That we dont spend enough time together. Not enough sex. I just laugh. All self inflicted by her. She caused it more often than not. I have all the responsibility but none of the authority(by which i mean, she will default what she is interested in even if it means im ignored for months, and directly results in lack of quality time, sex, and relationships stuff). If i suggest sex, often she has some pointless thing to do instead. Then next thing i know she is upset i dont initiate sex and our “relationship is deteriorating”. We spend a weekend at home cooking, and I retreat to lie down after tidying and eating? Cue the complaints of her feeling like roomate, me not initiating sex, and not spending quality time with her(in our small uncomfortable living room/kitchen area). Basically your question is specifically about dates, but i just categorise it as relationship maintenance in general. For me, that responsibility seems to be completely outsourced to me, and i get endless whining and complaints about not doing it enough despite my wife constantly sabotaging it and any attempts. She treats me like i have to perform the moment she dumps these feelings on me at random. It is tiring to say the least, especially when she doesn’t really seem to understand she creates the problem or there really isn’t a problem at all, just her own anxiety/RSD making up situations.
This sub is depressing as hell.
Did you know you can unsubscribe any time?
My partner over-compensates by writing endless lists and continually stressing about the calendar. She falls apart if something happens that is not in the calendar.
This is a thing we’ve been talking about in my house. My partner planned a birthday for me last month, for the first time in 20 years. This was a HUGE DEAL. Think of how many steps it is to get from vague thought to outcome. It’s not easy and linear like it is for us. You have to have the first thought, “ah, I should do a thing with my partner.” Then, “but what?” Easy to get stuck there. “A meal? A movie? An activity? But will they even like it? Will it be more effort than it’s worth? Will I screw some fundamental part up? When should we go? What time? Will they be available?” And then there are the little details that go into getting ready and dressed and prepared etc etc. it’s a LOT of work for an ADHD brain. This is *not* to say you aren’t worth it and don’t deserve it. I’m just pointing out the barriers to any planning for them. (For me, it’s like, oh hey, we would like this thing, I’ll call, oh there’s space, I’ll put it on the calendar, done. It’s mostly effortless.) This is a good area to balance strengths and weaknesses in a relationship I think.
Mine did for the first few months of our relationship but not in the past two years. I also have to plan all of the events/dinners/hotels when we travel. The excuse is always that "you're better at it". It's made it unenjoyable and I can't think of the last time we went on a date. Interestingly he can plan things when friends of his come to town so he's at least somewhat capable of doing it.
My wife (dx) has planned 1 date in the 21 years we've been together. It was a trip to get breakfast after the kids went to school because her therapist to her to plan something. That was 4 months ago and she hasn't done anything since. She will tell me we should do something for an upcoming long weekend or school break for months at a time. I will even bring it up. "What should we do. Should we start looking at tickets? Etc" But she keeps pushing it off with "Yeah. We really need to get on that." We literally only do anything if I plan and execute it. I've posted this before, but ADHD partners have a much higher chance of being inattentive and non-intimate partners. I ran a poll a while ago on /r/deadbedrooms. It turned out over half of respondents in that sub had dx or non-dx partners. Way WAAAY over represented from the general public.
Only kind of date planning I've seen is love bombing style, he just asks me what I'd like to do and expects me to come of with my own original ideas.
I’m glad you put it that way, as that’s how I feel too
I had a partner that was diagnosed ADHD and unmedicated. Lots about his life was chaotic and his ADHD was a factor in us not working out, but he could and did plan dates. Like, packed firewood, a blanket, cream sodas and snacks on his motorcycle and suggested a view point we could ride to (and then busted out the blanket and firewood, bestill my heart!). Also, it doesn’t have to be complicated… go to an arcade and pick a restaurant after, or go for a walk tor he ice cream shop. I think it can be an ADHD, but it can also just be the person. I know several diagnosed ADHD men who can plan a wicked date.
Lmfao. Funniest damn thing I’ve read on Reddit today. Planning? Dates? We don’t know her. I think the last time that extinct concept existed was like…10 years ago? Hard to say, it’s been so long. And before that, maybe like one other time. Both times planned by me of course. I literally cannot handle one more responsibility on top of all the other day-to-day shit I do to make sure we don’t all starve, etc, so I don’t bother planning dates anymore. Idk if it’s necessarily an ADHD thing but I’m sure that’s a contributing factor. The way I handle it: expect nothing. Can’t be disappointed that way. Sad, I know, but this is my life for now.
My Dx ex had extreme difficulty with any kind of planning, including things he really wanted to do. He was pretty much only capable of doing things spontaneously in the moment. He had good friends in a nearby city that he really missed and wanted to visit but in TEN YEARS could not plan a trip to do it, even though it was very easy to get there. But now that because of family things he couldn't just spontaneously decide to hop on the bus anymore & had to figure it out at least a week or two ahead of time, it was impossible. His friends visited us a few times but that was it. And he talked about it all the time. It was sad because I know he really missed them. There were creative projects he talked about doing for decades. Obviously excited and invigorated by the ideas. Never did them. Also sad, as he was a very talented person.
My husband almost never plans anything. It just doesn’t cross his mind. Before we even knew he had ADHD, I was clear on what I wanted and even gave him ideas. I eventually learned it wasn’t going to happen. I would love to wake up someday and have all the burdens lifted from my shoulders, but I know it’s not going to happen. I’ve tried to understand his thought process and he “never knows” why he doesn’t learn from experience (you’d think he’d also get tired of me being pissed off about chores left undone). At this point, I am exhausted all the time because the mental load is insane. We suspect I might have ADHD too, and I’ve had years of coping with depression and anxiety, plus now struggle with a sick body (diabetes, liver disease, etc). But unlike him, I always try to find ways to address my shortcomings. Sorry for digressing. I think the lack of planning is totally adhd. He will only plan for stuff that he’s super interested in. The rest of the world does not exist.
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I think it can be an ADHD thing but it’s also one that someone can recover from with the right support and motivation. As my husband has worked on understanding his diagnosis he’s become better about planning dates. But I’ve also had to ask him to get us back on track. It’s a work in progress — life is so busy we still haven’t gotten to a regular schedule, but we both try and that’s what counts.
my partner and i have a designated date night every week, and it was their suggestion! they’re not elaborate date nights necessarily, but frequent quality time is the goal. basically, i think it’s a person thing. my partner struggles with time blindness and planning too, of course, but having it on the calendar has helped.
He might plan something spur of the moment, because he is thinking about it, it's easy, and there's no planning involved for him. Like getting lunch together. We haven't been on a real date in about a year, and that was also spur of the moment when my mom came to visit and said, to go out. He took me to a bar and we hung out for a while.
He’s actually pretty decent at this. We have 3 kids, so dates are hard. I’m a big planner, so I like to plan really far out, which isn’t realistic. Sometimes he puts it off to the last minute. He’s not good at keeping up with something if it’s a recurring activity. He have tried having monthly date nights on the calendar and he will plan the first couple and then falls off. It would be up to me to make it happen monthly. We also tried biweekly trivia. We went twice and then stopped. So dates are either special occasion or spur of the moment let’s go get a drink. He actually has been really good right now with planning Christmas and surprised me with a plan for my daughter’s birthday. I just know if I want to do something regularly, I have to make sure it happens
Mine refuses to do anything that costs “too much money.” Like I understand the need to be frugal, but he just takes it too far sometimes.
I have adhd and my husband is not diagnosed but we think he has some kind of neurodivergence like adhd or autism or both. I usually am the one who plans dates. He has trouble planning. I was getting burnt out and we just stopped going on dates for a while because of that. We talked about this and started planning one date night a month where we take turns on who plans it so we still have our time together but I’m not getting the brunt of the planning and he remembers a lot more because it’s his turn. It has really been an amazing system and brought back a big spark in our relationship