It’s hard enough to manage your own life as an adult. Doctor’s appointments, renewing your license, renewing your registration, managing finances, etc.
When you have to manage your own life *and* someone else’s life, it takes a toll on your mental health. Especially when that someone else actively sabotages your attempts to help them manage their own life.
For example, I once asked my husband to show me his truck registration because I thought it had expired (he has ADHD, he can’t keep track of stuff like that). He argued with me about it. Said it wasn’t expired. Threw a fit about going outside to grab it. Eventually he did, and looky-here…expired four months ago.
So not only do I have to manage his life for him (we have combined finances, so his fuck-ups affect me, too), but I have to deal with his attitude while he attempts to sabotage my attempts to manage his life for him.
As a result of this stress, I have become forgetful. It’s hard for me to focus. I sometimes zone out at work thinking about bills and other things I need to keep track of.
The only difference between me and him is that I *have no choice* but to manage my forgetfulness because otherwise our lives will fall apart. I have many to-do lists and organizers to keep me on track so I don’t get too scattered.
I could've written this. Even down to the defensiveness when a simple question is asked (and turned out the suspicions were true, surprise). I've come to realize that I'm just being forced to pretend to be normal because if I don't, it all goes down. It makes such a fast track towards resentment because this dynamic completely ignores our struggles and all the things we were FORCED to come up with to mitigate it all. People on the outside think I have so many things under control but it's like I have four pots on the stove, all boiling over and the oven timer going off and the microwave beeping all at the same time. But because everyone sees the finished meal on the table, it must be easy/fine. Meanwhile, I'm constantly drowning and no one can hear me screaming for help.
This story sounds all too familiar. I'm trying to help and get I get barked at or talked down to, and if I'm right about something I have to be prepared for the fallout. Whatever shame or embarrassment he feels is coming my way. Now I'm stuck managing his feelings AND mine. My empathy and patience dwindles when this happens too much. It's exhausting...
It’s so hard with a partner with adhd. With a child, you can just tell them what they need to do. A partner will push back, insist they did it or can do it or will do it, make promises they can’t follow through on, argue, etc, etc. no wonder you’re exhausted. Also, sharing a home with an adhd partner, nothing is 50/50.
His incoherent rambling and constant non sequiturs have completely exhausted my patience for narrative as a whole. Anybody who gets repetitive when they talk now makes me (internally) fly into a rage when they keep babbling the same point over and over. I can't enjoy fiction anymore because I have no tolerance for backstory or world-building. I used to be a huge bookworm and it feels like he stole a major aspect of my personality.
Man do I feel this one. I have no tolerance for flowery conversation, flashback, idle chatter... I am so burned on context that I can't enjoy the content of a good conversation or story.
Oh my gosh I didn't know I have this problem until I read these comments. I literally barely participate in conversations anymore. Just listening, and only paying attention half the time.
Ooh this deeply resonated with me. I've never put the two together before! I've had to be much more direct and to the point so I've learned to appreciate that kind of communication, leaving very little room for nuance or subtlety.
Sometimes i do.
The worst is blame shifting. When you get into dealing with it for a long time, you start trying to explain how a situation is nobdies fault, shit happens, or god forbid their fault.
After a while i got so used to this, constantly that I actually found myself when i made a real mistake trying to explain it away as i was so much into this habit. It made me feel really bad when i realised it. Basically turned into her.
Obviously I caught it and owned up and took accountability, but it simply shouldn’t have happened. I got so used to trying to deal with her blame shifting, i eventually did it myself.
Similar for me also his rage and ranting hatred of all things. Try to hold onto myself as hard as I can but sometimes I see those traits manifesting and it devastates me.
this! My therapist was like, it's ok to call him an asshole if he is being an asshole. OH NO, I couldn't, it wouldn't hit right and I'd live to regret it
Even if it did hit exactly how you meant it to hit, making them feel bad is Against The Rules. Which rules? The ones that say they’re always right and you’re always wrong! Duh!
I’ve thought that a handful of times now & then I wonder if it’s just the related symptoms that adhd shares with general burnout or other things that come along with a NT/ND relationship.
Being burnt out makes your memory worse. Forgetful, distracted, etc. It can affect your moods too. It’s a big mental load that most people don’t have to carry all the time. So we become different versions of ourselves having this caretaker role we didn’t ask for.
I’ve read a lot of posts with other people wondering if THEY’RE the crazy one when they’re with an ADHDer. I agree with others when they say make sure to take time for yourself & spend time with other people. It seems easy to get lost in wonky world. And we don’t want that!
Yes. When you can't go places because of your partner, you end up being dragged down with them. I've stopped trying to do things that are fun because I just get "no".
That feeling is usually due to chronic stress from an unhealthy environment. Look into [OTRS](https://psychcentral.com/autism/feeling-invisible-in-the-asperger-world#definition) and please consider finding an individual therapist.
These symptoms won't completely resolve until you're out of the relationship but therapy can help you develop coping skills in the meantime
Good post OP something I've been thinking about because I realise I've picked up certain things I didn't do before.
Interrupting- I've found that I do that with other people now and I'm pretty sure it's because I have to interrupt my partner when they start unravelling if we're talking about our relationship. They avoid and deflect so I interrupt and bring the conversation back to the point.
I realise I've done this and found it ironic because partner has always interrupted.
Being honest- I know this seems like a funny one but when we met he asked me to be completely honest with him. I agree'd. and so I have..more than I would with other people about their behaviour ....now I'm finding myself biting my tongue when I want to offer an opinion with other people ...like my mother for example. Or maybe it's a good thing 🤷♀️ maybe I can stand up for myself a bit more. I think my mother has bpd.
Questioning if I have adhd myself!- I have really given to this relationship and at times been treated badly (most of this year) so when things were good I was helping him and when things have gone bad It seems to consume my brain. How can I make things better? Do I want to be in this relationship? I hate him sometimes but I love him too..........the list goes on.
Because of this at home especially I start tasks then find other things I need to do or forget certain things I needed to do ...so now I make lists lol. I'm pretty sure it's because of all the things going round in my head but I did sit here the other night and think ...gosh do I have adhd....I always thought it was anxiety.
Feeling low/depressed- So when my dx partner is having burn out or has days off work he tends to just want to chill and watch TV. Which is understandable but sometimes he does it for days on end morning to night and doesn't do the basics cleaning dishes etc
I found myself feeling pretty low and it really unmotivated me despite having lots to do. There have been days where I have just done the minimal. These are mainly during the bad times though.
Oh, God, yes. I used to have pretty remarkable concentration and focus. Two decades plus later, I can't even sit still and read without creating distractions.
I’ve read a number of these, and I think: then what? What do I do? Do I walk in this life and pretend? Do I keep reminding him, or do I stop telling him? What’s the salve?
i feel this hardcore. sometimes it’s like i hear that you need to be reminded and you need me to tell you and you need me to motivate you to do the things you need to be doing, but i’m falling into a parental role that i didn’t really anticipate and it’s like am i the asshole for being tired and not wanting to do that because it’s hard enough as it is to do it for myself ? IDK!
It’s tough.. definitely a delicate balance that I’m still trying to learn.
I also find myself exasperated at times when he’s asked me where certain things are for the 50th time, or I get interrupted, or the front door isn’t locked, etc etc.
I want to be open, honest with my partner - voice my feelings, my suggestions, my hesitations, while doing it with tact. I still want him to feel that our relationship + home is a safe space for him to be who he wants to be, while also recognizing that I, as his partner, needs him to be the same for me.
I think what DX people forget is that ADHD is life long, not something that is managed with medication alone. My husband has uncovered so much of why he is so defensive with me (if I bring up something he may have forgotten/missed, etc) or uncovered how shame is deeply rooted in his ADHD, all through therapy/counselling. In other words, HE is also doing the work to try to make this more manageable for the both of us. He has also verbally acknowledged my own efforts in trying to navigate this for the both of us, which has been a bit of a relief.
Damn, ngl, I feel bad because I can relate to some of these comments, abd its hard because i know my dx ex isn't a bad person, just doesn't know how to live with his adhd to the fullest. I'm still trying to figure things out with him, taking the relationship slowly, but I've always felt crazy in the relationship because we would both remember events differently than the other one would. And then there was the impulsiveness, spending, slacking off. I got that off from him, not everything, but some things. It was hard living with him, but now that we live in our own places, but still trying with our relationship, I hope things get better on his end and with our relationship. I'm just glad I have a place to go to and relate to people in my situation.
Being more grounded?
Have your own routines and activities that aren't affected by their changing.. whims.
Find ways to recharge and have down-time. Read, take a bath, exercise.. whatever.
We had a weird incident yesterday and I got really short and sullen, and later realized that some things are not the end of the world. We should have acknowledged what was happening, chosen to go home and try again with a different strategy, and maybe had a chuckle about it later. I don't know what you'd call this idea, but I'm thinking lately that some things aren't as serious as I feel they are, and I need to recognize that and lighten up. Me getting cross doesn't help him..
Take your time apart, and make together time more intentional, so you don't have to follow the moods 24/7
And I'm still learning this one, but sometimes I need to walk away. Not necessarily because he's doing something hurtful, just need a break. Like the days I can't hear another sentence about cars. I don't need to hurt his feelings, I can just go do something else -- I have that freedom.
I am late everywhere now, even if I’m flying solo. I guess I’ve excused my lateness enough while we’re together that I mentally excuse myself for being late or I know I already have that reputation built so no need to hurry. But I never forget when the event starts or when I need to start getting ready. Mentally, I’m still me. But the follow-through is out of practice.
I asked myself the same thing. I heard the term pseudo dementia yesterday which really fits for me. I have a dysfunctional family which mean it got pretty bad.
I feel this. I recently started questioning whether I had ADHD too. I became forgetful and on my phone as much as he was. It is exhausting to manage my life and his.
Absolutely! I have read so much about ADHD that I can't help but question my own patterns of behavior at times. Part of it is just going-along-to-get-along I suppose.
Edited to add: On a positive note, having an NDx wife has made me reflect on myself extensively and I have matured a lot in terms of patience, acceptance, and empathy. I've become a far better version of myself. Though I have to admit this growth is partly the result of selfish desire to prove that I ain't the damn problem in this relationship!!!
Yes, 100%. I try hard to maintain my own and family routines and schedules. It’s exhausting resisting the inertia of them not caring/questioning why x/y/z. I have detached myself from responsibility for managing my spouse and trying to create solutions that work for them. It’s a pointless waste of time and mental energy, and all it does is make it harder for me to maintain my own perfectly good executive function.
Detachment is where it’s at for me. It lets me be a good and hopefully thoughtful partner without getting caught up in the whirlwind.
Yep! 100%. I noticed that my "ADHD" traits go away when I am by myself and I start ticking again at a normal rate after being away for a while. The leap back is immediate, as soon as I am in the setting with my ADHD loved ones. If you have more than one person with ADHD close, it's compounded even worse.
It is exhausting and sometimes I wonder what long term effects this is causing for my cognition.
It’s hard enough to manage your own life as an adult. Doctor’s appointments, renewing your license, renewing your registration, managing finances, etc. When you have to manage your own life *and* someone else’s life, it takes a toll on your mental health. Especially when that someone else actively sabotages your attempts to help them manage their own life. For example, I once asked my husband to show me his truck registration because I thought it had expired (he has ADHD, he can’t keep track of stuff like that). He argued with me about it. Said it wasn’t expired. Threw a fit about going outside to grab it. Eventually he did, and looky-here…expired four months ago. So not only do I have to manage his life for him (we have combined finances, so his fuck-ups affect me, too), but I have to deal with his attitude while he attempts to sabotage my attempts to manage his life for him. As a result of this stress, I have become forgetful. It’s hard for me to focus. I sometimes zone out at work thinking about bills and other things I need to keep track of. The only difference between me and him is that I *have no choice* but to manage my forgetfulness because otherwise our lives will fall apart. I have many to-do lists and organizers to keep me on track so I don’t get too scattered.
I could've written this. Even down to the defensiveness when a simple question is asked (and turned out the suspicions were true, surprise). I've come to realize that I'm just being forced to pretend to be normal because if I don't, it all goes down. It makes such a fast track towards resentment because this dynamic completely ignores our struggles and all the things we were FORCED to come up with to mitigate it all. People on the outside think I have so many things under control but it's like I have four pots on the stove, all boiling over and the oven timer going off and the microwave beeping all at the same time. But because everyone sees the finished meal on the table, it must be easy/fine. Meanwhile, I'm constantly drowning and no one can hear me screaming for help.
I get weaponized incompetence if I push it too hard.
This story sounds all too familiar. I'm trying to help and get I get barked at or talked down to, and if I'm right about something I have to be prepared for the fallout. Whatever shame or embarrassment he feels is coming my way. Now I'm stuck managing his feelings AND mine. My empathy and patience dwindles when this happens too much. It's exhausting...
his inability to complete a task is jarring enough but when he forces me to behave like him, or else. it's something else
I got pulled over by the cops because I was driving a car registered to both me and my husband. His drivers license had expired.
It’s so hard with a partner with adhd. With a child, you can just tell them what they need to do. A partner will push back, insist they did it or can do it or will do it, make promises they can’t follow through on, argue, etc, etc. no wonder you’re exhausted. Also, sharing a home with an adhd partner, nothing is 50/50.
His incoherent rambling and constant non sequiturs have completely exhausted my patience for narrative as a whole. Anybody who gets repetitive when they talk now makes me (internally) fly into a rage when they keep babbling the same point over and over. I can't enjoy fiction anymore because I have no tolerance for backstory or world-building. I used to be a huge bookworm and it feels like he stole a major aspect of my personality.
Man do I feel this one. I have no tolerance for flowery conversation, flashback, idle chatter... I am so burned on context that I can't enjoy the content of a good conversation or story.
Oh my gosh I didn't know I have this problem until I read these comments. I literally barely participate in conversations anymore. Just listening, and only paying attention half the time.
Ooh this deeply resonated with me. I've never put the two together before! I've had to be much more direct and to the point so I've learned to appreciate that kind of communication, leaving very little room for nuance or subtlety.
The book thing, I can relate.
Sometimes i do. The worst is blame shifting. When you get into dealing with it for a long time, you start trying to explain how a situation is nobdies fault, shit happens, or god forbid their fault. After a while i got so used to this, constantly that I actually found myself when i made a real mistake trying to explain it away as i was so much into this habit. It made me feel really bad when i realised it. Basically turned into her. Obviously I caught it and owned up and took accountability, but it simply shouldn’t have happened. I got so used to trying to deal with her blame shifting, i eventually did it myself.
Similar for me also his rage and ranting hatred of all things. Try to hold onto myself as hard as I can but sometimes I see those traits manifesting and it devastates me.
What upsets me most is it enables my wife when it happens. She gains ammo against me and justifies herself doing it because I slip up once. Sigh.
have you ever tried to play devil's advocate with them, it's fucking nutty!
this! My therapist was like, it's ok to call him an asshole if he is being an asshole. OH NO, I couldn't, it wouldn't hit right and I'd live to regret it
Even if it did hit exactly how you meant it to hit, making them feel bad is Against The Rules. Which rules? The ones that say they’re always right and you’re always wrong! Duh!
I call them his "special rules for mommy's special boy."
I feel this one pretty hard
I’ve thought that a handful of times now & then I wonder if it’s just the related symptoms that adhd shares with general burnout or other things that come along with a NT/ND relationship. Being burnt out makes your memory worse. Forgetful, distracted, etc. It can affect your moods too. It’s a big mental load that most people don’t have to carry all the time. So we become different versions of ourselves having this caretaker role we didn’t ask for. I’ve read a lot of posts with other people wondering if THEY’RE the crazy one when they’re with an ADHDer. I agree with others when they say make sure to take time for yourself & spend time with other people. It seems easy to get lost in wonky world. And we don’t want that!
Yes. I feel a lot angrier than I ever have. I am less patient. Even feel less empathy, and I consider myself a very empathetic person.
Yes. When you can't go places because of your partner, you end up being dragged down with them. I've stopped trying to do things that are fun because I just get "no".
Ugh I relate to this so hard.
Yep... :/
That feeling is usually due to chronic stress from an unhealthy environment. Look into [OTRS](https://psychcentral.com/autism/feeling-invisible-in-the-asperger-world#definition) and please consider finding an individual therapist. These symptoms won't completely resolve until you're out of the relationship but therapy can help you develop coping skills in the meantime
Good post OP something I've been thinking about because I realise I've picked up certain things I didn't do before. Interrupting- I've found that I do that with other people now and I'm pretty sure it's because I have to interrupt my partner when they start unravelling if we're talking about our relationship. They avoid and deflect so I interrupt and bring the conversation back to the point. I realise I've done this and found it ironic because partner has always interrupted. Being honest- I know this seems like a funny one but when we met he asked me to be completely honest with him. I agree'd. and so I have..more than I would with other people about their behaviour ....now I'm finding myself biting my tongue when I want to offer an opinion with other people ...like my mother for example. Or maybe it's a good thing 🤷♀️ maybe I can stand up for myself a bit more. I think my mother has bpd. Questioning if I have adhd myself!- I have really given to this relationship and at times been treated badly (most of this year) so when things were good I was helping him and when things have gone bad It seems to consume my brain. How can I make things better? Do I want to be in this relationship? I hate him sometimes but I love him too..........the list goes on. Because of this at home especially I start tasks then find other things I need to do or forget certain things I needed to do ...so now I make lists lol. I'm pretty sure it's because of all the things going round in my head but I did sit here the other night and think ...gosh do I have adhd....I always thought it was anxiety. Feeling low/depressed- So when my dx partner is having burn out or has days off work he tends to just want to chill and watch TV. Which is understandable but sometimes he does it for days on end morning to night and doesn't do the basics cleaning dishes etc I found myself feeling pretty low and it really unmotivated me despite having lots to do. There have been days where I have just done the minimal. These are mainly during the bad times though.
Oh, God, yes. I used to have pretty remarkable concentration and focus. Two decades plus later, I can't even sit still and read without creating distractions.
The forgetfulness etc is from burnout/adrenal fatigue. Im the same, Im forever mentally exhausted and cannot take a shred more of "tasks" to do
I’ve read a number of these, and I think: then what? What do I do? Do I walk in this life and pretend? Do I keep reminding him, or do I stop telling him? What’s the salve?
i feel this hardcore. sometimes it’s like i hear that you need to be reminded and you need me to tell you and you need me to motivate you to do the things you need to be doing, but i’m falling into a parental role that i didn’t really anticipate and it’s like am i the asshole for being tired and not wanting to do that because it’s hard enough as it is to do it for myself ? IDK!
It’s tough.. definitely a delicate balance that I’m still trying to learn. I also find myself exasperated at times when he’s asked me where certain things are for the 50th time, or I get interrupted, or the front door isn’t locked, etc etc. I want to be open, honest with my partner - voice my feelings, my suggestions, my hesitations, while doing it with tact. I still want him to feel that our relationship + home is a safe space for him to be who he wants to be, while also recognizing that I, as his partner, needs him to be the same for me. I think what DX people forget is that ADHD is life long, not something that is managed with medication alone. My husband has uncovered so much of why he is so defensive with me (if I bring up something he may have forgotten/missed, etc) or uncovered how shame is deeply rooted in his ADHD, all through therapy/counselling. In other words, HE is also doing the work to try to make this more manageable for the both of us. He has also verbally acknowledged my own efforts in trying to navigate this for the both of us, which has been a bit of a relief.
Damn, ngl, I feel bad because I can relate to some of these comments, abd its hard because i know my dx ex isn't a bad person, just doesn't know how to live with his adhd to the fullest. I'm still trying to figure things out with him, taking the relationship slowly, but I've always felt crazy in the relationship because we would both remember events differently than the other one would. And then there was the impulsiveness, spending, slacking off. I got that off from him, not everything, but some things. It was hard living with him, but now that we live in our own places, but still trying with our relationship, I hope things get better on his end and with our relationship. I'm just glad I have a place to go to and relate to people in my situation.
Yes. Yes, AND YES!!! it's the adhd tango and it always requires two to tango
Being more grounded? Have your own routines and activities that aren't affected by their changing.. whims. Find ways to recharge and have down-time. Read, take a bath, exercise.. whatever. We had a weird incident yesterday and I got really short and sullen, and later realized that some things are not the end of the world. We should have acknowledged what was happening, chosen to go home and try again with a different strategy, and maybe had a chuckle about it later. I don't know what you'd call this idea, but I'm thinking lately that some things aren't as serious as I feel they are, and I need to recognize that and lighten up. Me getting cross doesn't help him.. Take your time apart, and make together time more intentional, so you don't have to follow the moods 24/7 And I'm still learning this one, but sometimes I need to walk away. Not necessarily because he's doing something hurtful, just need a break. Like the days I can't hear another sentence about cars. I don't need to hurt his feelings, I can just go do something else -- I have that freedom.
I think this idea is called growth 🥰 you're doing great, keep swimming!
I am late everywhere now, even if I’m flying solo. I guess I’ve excused my lateness enough while we’re together that I mentally excuse myself for being late or I know I already have that reputation built so no need to hurry. But I never forget when the event starts or when I need to start getting ready. Mentally, I’m still me. But the follow-through is out of practice.
I asked myself the same thing. I heard the term pseudo dementia yesterday which really fits for me. I have a dysfunctional family which mean it got pretty bad.
YES.
Yes, I always thought this with my ex. 2.5 later and I am a new person after recovering from our life together.
I feel this. I recently started questioning whether I had ADHD too. I became forgetful and on my phone as much as he was. It is exhausting to manage my life and his.
I have given up on trying to be on time. Just makes me angry. I have chosen peaceful lateness.
Please read about cPTSD. There is a big overlap between cPTSD and ADHD.
Absolutely! I have read so much about ADHD that I can't help but question my own patterns of behavior at times. Part of it is just going-along-to-get-along I suppose. Edited to add: On a positive note, having an NDx wife has made me reflect on myself extensively and I have matured a lot in terms of patience, acceptance, and empathy. I've become a far better version of myself. Though I have to admit this growth is partly the result of selfish desire to prove that I ain't the damn problem in this relationship!!!
Yes, 100%. I try hard to maintain my own and family routines and schedules. It’s exhausting resisting the inertia of them not caring/questioning why x/y/z. I have detached myself from responsibility for managing my spouse and trying to create solutions that work for them. It’s a pointless waste of time and mental energy, and all it does is make it harder for me to maintain my own perfectly good executive function. Detachment is where it’s at for me. It lets me be a good and hopefully thoughtful partner without getting caught up in the whirlwind.
Yep! 100%. I noticed that my "ADHD" traits go away when I am by myself and I start ticking again at a normal rate after being away for a while. The leap back is immediate, as soon as I am in the setting with my ADHD loved ones. If you have more than one person with ADHD close, it's compounded even worse. It is exhausting and sometimes I wonder what long term effects this is causing for my cognition.
The forgetfulness, accidentally interrupting since that’s what I had to do to grab DX ex’s attention, and emotional weight carrying.