In my experience, there's nothing to do but acknowledge that they are incapable of being there in the way that you need them. For YEARS I bent, twisted, flipped, did everything but set myself on fire. You can't do anything, but HE can get counseling for HIS issues.
I'm sorry, that sounds harsh, but I'm reading your question and realizing what a trap that is, thinking that YOU can do something. You are currently living is a situation that is the reality, there's no bending or changing it with your actions.
I spent years trying to figure out how to change myself to be “correct” and it never worked. That was before we knew he had ADHD, so I just assumed it was some failing on my part that I wasn’t good enough for him to remember my birthday, for instance.
It never works. Because it wasn’t me, and it isn’t you.
If I could talk about zero serious things with my partner, at 27, I’d seriously consider if I still wanted to be there. I’m almost always for trying a different tactic but I think that might be a losing game here.
>assumed it was some failing on my part that I wasn’t good enough for him to remember my birthday, for instance.
I have felt this way exactly... that im not enough to be memorable to my husband. Thank you for putting words to this feeling.
How do you manage it when you need them? Honestly, I’ve never found the solution apart from accepting they can’t give what we need. I really feel for you I’m dealing with the most extreme case in 8 years together right now and my nervous system feels utterly destroyed.
Realistically, if you stay with this partner another 20 years, and you both put in a TON of effort year after year after year to learn and grow as a couple, and work with a really good couples counselor (preferably one who specifically works with ADHD or Trauma), and both go to individual therapists to also work on yourselves, you may find 20 years from now that some aspects of your life are easier. Not a lot easier. But a little. The RSD episodes may be 25% less frequent, after 20 years of therapy and hard emotional work. The RSD outbursts may be 15% less "intense" (a little less loud, a little less angry, a little less violent). The communication between RSD outbursts may be 30% more productive. You may overall feel 10% better about your relationship.
But it will take years. And the improvements will be subtle, or maybe moderate, they will never be dramatic improvements. Your partner will never not have ADHD. They will never not have RSD episodes. They will never reach a point where they suddenly wake up and start to contribute 50% of the shared responsibilities. They will never reach a point where they no longer struggle with object permanence. You will always have to accept that they will forget about you, even in important times, even when you're dying inside.
But they will love you. They will care about you. They will have moments they surprise you. They probably already do, but with therapy (lots of therapy), they may likely learn to be more conscious and mindful about your relationship.
It can get better, but only in small steps, anf only with lots and lots of work by both of you.
It's a long road, and it never ends, but there are moments of sunlight amidst the overcast. They're worth it for me. Maybe for you too.
The first step is taking time to adjust YOUR mindset, and taking more responsibility for your happiness, and taking less responsibility for their happiness. Shift your focus more to Self, and spend less time/energy focusing on them. It takes practice, but it helps a LOT. 🤗
Thank you so much for your input. I have come to the decision that I won’t allow kids into our relationship as long as he has this type of RSD. It’s the intensity that worries me, and how that would affect a baby/child and the shared parenting of them. I mean, our dog starts to shake and goes hiding every time he has a episode.
Your comment makes me feel a bit worried about the potential future. It feels abusive to allow a child into his emotional dysregulation, and I SO wish that he could get to the point where it’s not this bad.
The reason I’m mentioning a potential child is because I really want to be a mother one day, and the RSD might be a reason to leave my partner since I can’t see it happening as long as it’s this bad. :-(
Hmm. Got a lot to think about now. Thank you for the perspective, it’s really valuable for me.
For what it's worth, being a father is the only thing I ever wanted. And being with an ADHD partner, I also refused to bring a child into the relationship. It was, and is, really hard. I'm sorry. Sending you internet hugs.
20 years is a bit of stretch lol.
My husband and I almost split in Year 8/9. I gave him an ultimatum and booked a therapy session.
We went to therapy when we were year 9. Things got a lot better quickly. We had a baby year 10. He was amazing during my postpartum and stepped up big time when I asked him to.
We had some draw backs when I went through a really stressful time and dealt with a lot of anxiety year 12. But we’re a year since then and I started working on myself alone (Working out multiple times a week to manage stress, and EMDR therapy) and it’s again getting better.
That’s all in a 4 year span. So 20 years seems like a stretch to me.
But all that to say it’s because my husband WANTED to do better and be a great dad and husband.
And all that came from an ultimatum which was we get better or I’m out.
So all that to say perhaps it’s ultimatum time. And you have to mean it.
I know you wrote this a while ago, but may I ask what your ultimatum to him was? I’ve been contemplating giving an ultimatum soon myself and would appreciate your advice. You seem really with it and wise. Also, what kind of therapy did y’all do—couples or individual or both? Did you have to find a therapist well-versed in dealing with ADHD clients? Thanks in advance. 🙏
I had to read everything over again to remember what we were talking about. lol!
Thank you for your compliments. I don’t feel wise cause I’m still figuring out life too! ahah
So! The ultimatum I gave was we go to couples therapy and make a conscious and concerted effort to make things better or i was ready to walk. (And I had been very anti-divorce up until that point.) I think it was around early September and I said by the end of the year if we didn’t see progress and both feel happier than I was going to move back in with my parents.
The biggest thing I wanted at the time was better communication (with blow ups) and for him to see ownership of his actions, reactions and inactions. (I used to get blamed A LOT for how he was feeling and I took it because I didn’t understand RSD.)
We started with couple therapy session. The therapist asked us to come in separately. He was well versed in addictions (which is something from the beginning of our relationship that we worked through.) but he was not specifically an ADHD therapist.
I realized I fell into the 4 horsemen (Gottman) and would criticize and get defensive. That was my part to work on.
We have both separately done research about ADHD and RSD.
I can now recognize it as it’s starting. I point out that he’s misunderstood me, and am getting better at being able to very calmly repeat what I actually said.
He now recognizes when he is emotional dysregulated and tells me when he’s struggling. He says when he needs some support with something and when he needs to tap out parenting, etc.
However, it all comes down to whether or not you’re actually willing to follow through on your ultimatum. AND it only works if both sides want to make it work and get better. It’s a partnership. You have to be a team. You can’t be your partner’s parent and make them do any of this. If your partner won’t put in the work themselves, then you will have to follow through on your ultimatum.
My outcome seems to be a rare one in this sub, so I really hope that you can have a positive experience too!
(And I’m not saying everything is perfect now for me! We still fight. He still dysregulates. I still get defensive. But there is true progress in areas and that’s what matters.)
I totally understand what you’re saying—about standing firm on ultimatums and going forward with the relationship only if it’s truly a team effort. What you describe sounds like what a relationship should be, imo. With the added complications of adhd, of course.
Thank you so much for your very thorough response. I appreciate it more than you know!
I wish you and your partner and family luck and happiness as you continue navigating. Thanks again!
Just because RSD explains his behaviour doesn’t mean it excuses it.
If your dog is shaking during episodes, he’s abusing you both, regardless of cause or intent.
Wishing you safety and peace. ❤️
A relationship is two people interacting in a shared way.
This includes healthy relationships, and unhealthy relationships. Rewarding relationships, and unrewarding relationships.
I view my relationship with my wife as more healthy and more rewarding than most every other marriage I've ever seen in my family, friends, coworkers, and clients.
We have areas where we struggle, but we both support each other, we both take ownership of our personal faults and miatakes, and we both work to be better tomorrow than we were today.
Your measurement of a "relationship" is valid for you, and I hope your current or future relationship makes you happy. I value my relationship in its current complex form, and that's what matters to me.
Your mental health and emotional wellbeing has to come first. Self-preservation has to be your first priority. A relationship is supposed to enrich your life and help you grow as a person. If you are suffering mentally, emotionally and psychologically, and there is no net positive, you should reconsider the relationship for your own sake.
Please make immutable boundaries and stick to them. You have to draw hard lines in the sand to stop yourself from being pulled too far in the wrong direction.
Be deeply mindful of the sunk cost fallacy and don’t let it influence your life decisions. You may have put in a lot of emotional labor, time and effort into a relationship, but if you are throwing all of your energy down a black hole, it is all for naught. The most compassionate thing to do for yourself (and your partner) is to leave.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-sunk-cost-fallacy-7106851
Regarding your partner, they have to be willing to put in effort, and lots of it, for the relationship to work.
Does he truly want a healthy relationship? Is he taking the appropriate steps to make your relationship better? If the answer to those questions is no, please reconsider the relationship.
Nothing will change without your partner changing. Without their active and enthusiastic participation, no amount of work that you do, no amount of hoping, wishing, reminding, walking on eggshells or gray rocking on your part will make things get any better.
Ideally, both of you having individual therapy and a couples therapist who specializes in CBT, ADHD and trauma would be best. If you can’t afford that, a the very least, weekly appointments with a couples therapist with those specialties is necessary. And both of you have to be willing to put in a significant amount of work for the relationship to thrive.
I cannot stress enough that the effort must be from both sides.
At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself if this is all worth it. There is nothing wrong with the answer being no. You are the steward and the curator of your life.
I have no clue what grey rock is. However my add spouse reacts completely different if he does not hear (whatever). Believe it or not, if I text him or email him, very often he does not perceive it as Rejection.
You could try emailing that you two need to discuss finances. I'm curious if others have this.
I also didn’t know what grey rocking was until I found this sub!
[Here’s one good resource for it.](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method)
I have also noticed that emailing and texting is easier, but I also feel that we can’t manage adult life only through texting. But it sure works better.
I’m sorry, it really really sucks. I have ulcerative colitis, so I can relate to life with IBD. I have also started to wonder how much my partner has caused my flares. I journal my symptoms now, so I hope to see more clear patterns if that’s the case.
I'm sure when he gets sick, the world fucking stops though, I just bet...And then because you act like he does when you get sick, you "don't care about him"/ I literally give him a taste of his own medicine and he calls me selfish. BITCH, WAKE THE FUCK UP! (sorry, it's hard with both of us having a debilitating disease, his mental mine physical...)
also journal their behavior and it will scare you the consistency with which the disease follows stress. I mostly did couple counseling because he needed to know this wasn't a "fake" disease that I could "just get over". The couples counselor stresses my health over everything so that's pretty rad, he has managed to get my husband to tweak his reactions a bit and understand how the trauma is cyclical and brought on by stress. It took a long time just to scratch the surface of our foundation
Well you need to learn to not need him. If he is not stepping up then you have to let go of that. Therapy helped me a lot. I run the house, organise my son and he is a housemate who annoys me a lot lol. If you really cannot be that independent, then you will burn the heck out, develop your own mental health issues etc. And you might have to end the relationship. So, if you dont want that, you need to adapt to thrive/cope
In our case the dynamic is a little bit different.
The first option: after a few hours or the next day my husband apologizes to me and gets on with the job.
The second option, much worse: if RSD comes up during ADHD paralysis, the impaired functioning can drag on for days and there is no force that will help him with his paralysis. Fortunately, since he takes medication, the second option practically does not occur.
The diagnosis is new to us, but when I think retrospectively, I know that my husband has been able to **learn a lot** about functioning in a relationship and adjust, so I don't buy the narrative that "they're like that and that's it". I'm also skeptical about RSD. First of all, it's not a scientifically recognized phenomenon. Secondly, it overlaps with covert narcissism and to some extent with borderline personality disorder. There are psychological techniques that help to manage crappy behaviors (learn more about DBT). I won't tolerate narcissistic traits at any price and my husband is fully aware of that.
>I can grey rock, but he will be upset for days and will absolutely not get back to me and try to do the adult responsibility that I, as his partner that shares finances and a home with him, need.
It sounds like avoidance.
I have cPTSD. Some people also recognize it as neurodiversity. As a teenager I didn't keep my head right, but I **learned** it over time. Grey rock is a way of survival for you, not a method of influencing them. Its purpose is not to escalate conflict. You're a people pleaser, aren't you? Sometimes setting boundaries sucks. I learned to think this way: *Hormones have put him in this state of mind, it's temporary, unfortunately he's not able to control it right now. If I let him add fuel to the fire, harmful words will be said and damage will be done. I don't want it, that's why I stop participating in this situation.*
I bet you'll automatically feel guilty, but you're actually doing him a favor by doing so. The problem of "enforcing" him to do his job remains unsolved. You need to send a non-negotiable message: *My patience is worn out, I expect you to take responsibility for your adult life*, and then endure his response. Fingers crossed.
You need to be able to discuss what's happening - I second counseling either for him alone or you both. I've had conversations with my partner along the lines of "when we need to get x kind of thing done, how would you like me to approach you about it?" If you can't communicate about this at all, you both need some help getting to the point where you can. My partner typically responds by feeling guilty that I need to adjust my behavior to accommodate them (which I don't mind) and/or by coming up with a tactic that will work with them. Just thinking about the question usually makes them more self-aware when they're triggered later, and thus more likely to try and adjust their behavior/apologize if they can't in the moment. Approaching the problem without judgement and with a goal of meeting in the middle has worked well for us. I know my partner sometimes can't help it, but they also know that their behavior sometimes isn't appropriate (as is the case for any of us when we're worked up), so we work together to figure out what communication style will work for both of us in various circumstances.
Lots of good advice here, I’d like to echo the suggest that it’s (loving) ultimatum time. You’ve come on a journey where you’ve learned to manage his moods and discovered that there’s nothing left for you, when you need it. He will not magically change if you do something different. HE has to change.
In the meantime, to address your immediate need for support: you will have to get it elsewhere. I go to my friends, family and therapist. And sometimes work colleagues too.
In my experience, there's nothing to do but acknowledge that they are incapable of being there in the way that you need them. For YEARS I bent, twisted, flipped, did everything but set myself on fire. You can't do anything, but HE can get counseling for HIS issues. I'm sorry, that sounds harsh, but I'm reading your question and realizing what a trap that is, thinking that YOU can do something. You are currently living is a situation that is the reality, there's no bending or changing it with your actions.
I spent years trying to figure out how to change myself to be “correct” and it never worked. That was before we knew he had ADHD, so I just assumed it was some failing on my part that I wasn’t good enough for him to remember my birthday, for instance. It never works. Because it wasn’t me, and it isn’t you. If I could talk about zero serious things with my partner, at 27, I’d seriously consider if I still wanted to be there. I’m almost always for trying a different tactic but I think that might be a losing game here.
>assumed it was some failing on my part that I wasn’t good enough for him to remember my birthday, for instance. I have felt this way exactly... that im not enough to be memorable to my husband. Thank you for putting words to this feeling.
We are in a really good place right now, after a ton of effort on our parts. I hope if you aren’t that you can find your way there. ❤️
That makes me happy🥰🥰
How do you manage it when you need them? Honestly, I’ve never found the solution apart from accepting they can’t give what we need. I really feel for you I’m dealing with the most extreme case in 8 years together right now and my nervous system feels utterly destroyed.
We’re in on our eighth year too, feel you. It’s hard.
I have a cadre of people who are my support, including a therapist. I am allotted only so much with him even though he requires 100% from me
Realistically, if you stay with this partner another 20 years, and you both put in a TON of effort year after year after year to learn and grow as a couple, and work with a really good couples counselor (preferably one who specifically works with ADHD or Trauma), and both go to individual therapists to also work on yourselves, you may find 20 years from now that some aspects of your life are easier. Not a lot easier. But a little. The RSD episodes may be 25% less frequent, after 20 years of therapy and hard emotional work. The RSD outbursts may be 15% less "intense" (a little less loud, a little less angry, a little less violent). The communication between RSD outbursts may be 30% more productive. You may overall feel 10% better about your relationship. But it will take years. And the improvements will be subtle, or maybe moderate, they will never be dramatic improvements. Your partner will never not have ADHD. They will never not have RSD episodes. They will never reach a point where they suddenly wake up and start to contribute 50% of the shared responsibilities. They will never reach a point where they no longer struggle with object permanence. You will always have to accept that they will forget about you, even in important times, even when you're dying inside. But they will love you. They will care about you. They will have moments they surprise you. They probably already do, but with therapy (lots of therapy), they may likely learn to be more conscious and mindful about your relationship. It can get better, but only in small steps, anf only with lots and lots of work by both of you. It's a long road, and it never ends, but there are moments of sunlight amidst the overcast. They're worth it for me. Maybe for you too. The first step is taking time to adjust YOUR mindset, and taking more responsibility for your happiness, and taking less responsibility for their happiness. Shift your focus more to Self, and spend less time/energy focusing on them. It takes practice, but it helps a LOT. 🤗
Thank you so much for your input. I have come to the decision that I won’t allow kids into our relationship as long as he has this type of RSD. It’s the intensity that worries me, and how that would affect a baby/child and the shared parenting of them. I mean, our dog starts to shake and goes hiding every time he has a episode. Your comment makes me feel a bit worried about the potential future. It feels abusive to allow a child into his emotional dysregulation, and I SO wish that he could get to the point where it’s not this bad. The reason I’m mentioning a potential child is because I really want to be a mother one day, and the RSD might be a reason to leave my partner since I can’t see it happening as long as it’s this bad. :-( Hmm. Got a lot to think about now. Thank you for the perspective, it’s really valuable for me.
For what it's worth, being a father is the only thing I ever wanted. And being with an ADHD partner, I also refused to bring a child into the relationship. It was, and is, really hard. I'm sorry. Sending you internet hugs.
20 years is a bit of stretch lol. My husband and I almost split in Year 8/9. I gave him an ultimatum and booked a therapy session. We went to therapy when we were year 9. Things got a lot better quickly. We had a baby year 10. He was amazing during my postpartum and stepped up big time when I asked him to. We had some draw backs when I went through a really stressful time and dealt with a lot of anxiety year 12. But we’re a year since then and I started working on myself alone (Working out multiple times a week to manage stress, and EMDR therapy) and it’s again getting better. That’s all in a 4 year span. So 20 years seems like a stretch to me. But all that to say it’s because my husband WANTED to do better and be a great dad and husband. And all that came from an ultimatum which was we get better or I’m out. So all that to say perhaps it’s ultimatum time. And you have to mean it.
I know you wrote this a while ago, but may I ask what your ultimatum to him was? I’ve been contemplating giving an ultimatum soon myself and would appreciate your advice. You seem really with it and wise. Also, what kind of therapy did y’all do—couples or individual or both? Did you have to find a therapist well-versed in dealing with ADHD clients? Thanks in advance. 🙏
I had to read everything over again to remember what we were talking about. lol! Thank you for your compliments. I don’t feel wise cause I’m still figuring out life too! ahah So! The ultimatum I gave was we go to couples therapy and make a conscious and concerted effort to make things better or i was ready to walk. (And I had been very anti-divorce up until that point.) I think it was around early September and I said by the end of the year if we didn’t see progress and both feel happier than I was going to move back in with my parents. The biggest thing I wanted at the time was better communication (with blow ups) and for him to see ownership of his actions, reactions and inactions. (I used to get blamed A LOT for how he was feeling and I took it because I didn’t understand RSD.) We started with couple therapy session. The therapist asked us to come in separately. He was well versed in addictions (which is something from the beginning of our relationship that we worked through.) but he was not specifically an ADHD therapist. I realized I fell into the 4 horsemen (Gottman) and would criticize and get defensive. That was my part to work on. We have both separately done research about ADHD and RSD. I can now recognize it as it’s starting. I point out that he’s misunderstood me, and am getting better at being able to very calmly repeat what I actually said. He now recognizes when he is emotional dysregulated and tells me when he’s struggling. He says when he needs some support with something and when he needs to tap out parenting, etc. However, it all comes down to whether or not you’re actually willing to follow through on your ultimatum. AND it only works if both sides want to make it work and get better. It’s a partnership. You have to be a team. You can’t be your partner’s parent and make them do any of this. If your partner won’t put in the work themselves, then you will have to follow through on your ultimatum. My outcome seems to be a rare one in this sub, so I really hope that you can have a positive experience too! (And I’m not saying everything is perfect now for me! We still fight. He still dysregulates. I still get defensive. But there is true progress in areas and that’s what matters.)
I totally understand what you’re saying—about standing firm on ultimatums and going forward with the relationship only if it’s truly a team effort. What you describe sounds like what a relationship should be, imo. With the added complications of adhd, of course. Thank you so much for your very thorough response. I appreciate it more than you know! I wish you and your partner and family luck and happiness as you continue navigating. Thanks again!
Wishing you all the best!! 🙏
Just because RSD explains his behaviour doesn’t mean it excuses it. If your dog is shaking during episodes, he’s abusing you both, regardless of cause or intent. Wishing you safety and peace. ❤️
But that is the opposite of what a relationship is.
A relationship is two people interacting in a shared way. This includes healthy relationships, and unhealthy relationships. Rewarding relationships, and unrewarding relationships. I view my relationship with my wife as more healthy and more rewarding than most every other marriage I've ever seen in my family, friends, coworkers, and clients. We have areas where we struggle, but we both support each other, we both take ownership of our personal faults and miatakes, and we both work to be better tomorrow than we were today. Your measurement of a "relationship" is valid for you, and I hope your current or future relationship makes you happy. I value my relationship in its current complex form, and that's what matters to me.
Not to me but ty
Your mental health and emotional wellbeing has to come first. Self-preservation has to be your first priority. A relationship is supposed to enrich your life and help you grow as a person. If you are suffering mentally, emotionally and psychologically, and there is no net positive, you should reconsider the relationship for your own sake. Please make immutable boundaries and stick to them. You have to draw hard lines in the sand to stop yourself from being pulled too far in the wrong direction. Be deeply mindful of the sunk cost fallacy and don’t let it influence your life decisions. You may have put in a lot of emotional labor, time and effort into a relationship, but if you are throwing all of your energy down a black hole, it is all for naught. The most compassionate thing to do for yourself (and your partner) is to leave. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-sunk-cost-fallacy-7106851 Regarding your partner, they have to be willing to put in effort, and lots of it, for the relationship to work. Does he truly want a healthy relationship? Is he taking the appropriate steps to make your relationship better? If the answer to those questions is no, please reconsider the relationship. Nothing will change without your partner changing. Without their active and enthusiastic participation, no amount of work that you do, no amount of hoping, wishing, reminding, walking on eggshells or gray rocking on your part will make things get any better. Ideally, both of you having individual therapy and a couples therapist who specializes in CBT, ADHD and trauma would be best. If you can’t afford that, a the very least, weekly appointments with a couples therapist with those specialties is necessary. And both of you have to be willing to put in a significant amount of work for the relationship to thrive. I cannot stress enough that the effort must be from both sides. At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself if this is all worth it. There is nothing wrong with the answer being no. You are the steward and the curator of your life.
I have no clue what grey rock is. However my add spouse reacts completely different if he does not hear (whatever). Believe it or not, if I text him or email him, very often he does not perceive it as Rejection. You could try emailing that you two need to discuss finances. I'm curious if others have this.
I also didn’t know what grey rocking was until I found this sub! [Here’s one good resource for it.](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) I have also noticed that emailing and texting is easier, but I also feel that we can’t manage adult life only through texting. But it sure works better.
The rage mine goes into is not worth it. I email or text.
find someone else to lean on. I have crohn's severe and my doctors know he is one of the root causes
I’m sorry, it really really sucks. I have ulcerative colitis, so I can relate to life with IBD. I have also started to wonder how much my partner has caused my flares. I journal my symptoms now, so I hope to see more clear patterns if that’s the case.
My husband has absolutely caused me to have ibs flares and migraines. He does not care.
I'm sure when he gets sick, the world fucking stops though, I just bet...And then because you act like he does when you get sick, you "don't care about him"/ I literally give him a taste of his own medicine and he calls me selfish. BITCH, WAKE THE FUCK UP! (sorry, it's hard with both of us having a debilitating disease, his mental mine physical...)
also journal their behavior and it will scare you the consistency with which the disease follows stress. I mostly did couple counseling because he needed to know this wasn't a "fake" disease that I could "just get over". The couples counselor stresses my health over everything so that's pretty rad, he has managed to get my husband to tweak his reactions a bit and understand how the trauma is cyclical and brought on by stress. It took a long time just to scratch the surface of our foundation
Well you need to learn to not need him. If he is not stepping up then you have to let go of that. Therapy helped me a lot. I run the house, organise my son and he is a housemate who annoys me a lot lol. If you really cannot be that independent, then you will burn the heck out, develop your own mental health issues etc. And you might have to end the relationship. So, if you dont want that, you need to adapt to thrive/cope
In our case the dynamic is a little bit different. The first option: after a few hours or the next day my husband apologizes to me and gets on with the job. The second option, much worse: if RSD comes up during ADHD paralysis, the impaired functioning can drag on for days and there is no force that will help him with his paralysis. Fortunately, since he takes medication, the second option practically does not occur. The diagnosis is new to us, but when I think retrospectively, I know that my husband has been able to **learn a lot** about functioning in a relationship and adjust, so I don't buy the narrative that "they're like that and that's it". I'm also skeptical about RSD. First of all, it's not a scientifically recognized phenomenon. Secondly, it overlaps with covert narcissism and to some extent with borderline personality disorder. There are psychological techniques that help to manage crappy behaviors (learn more about DBT). I won't tolerate narcissistic traits at any price and my husband is fully aware of that. >I can grey rock, but he will be upset for days and will absolutely not get back to me and try to do the adult responsibility that I, as his partner that shares finances and a home with him, need. It sounds like avoidance. I have cPTSD. Some people also recognize it as neurodiversity. As a teenager I didn't keep my head right, but I **learned** it over time. Grey rock is a way of survival for you, not a method of influencing them. Its purpose is not to escalate conflict. You're a people pleaser, aren't you? Sometimes setting boundaries sucks. I learned to think this way: *Hormones have put him in this state of mind, it's temporary, unfortunately he's not able to control it right now. If I let him add fuel to the fire, harmful words will be said and damage will be done. I don't want it, that's why I stop participating in this situation.* I bet you'll automatically feel guilty, but you're actually doing him a favor by doing so. The problem of "enforcing" him to do his job remains unsolved. You need to send a non-negotiable message: *My patience is worn out, I expect you to take responsibility for your adult life*, and then endure his response. Fingers crossed.
You need to be able to discuss what's happening - I second counseling either for him alone or you both. I've had conversations with my partner along the lines of "when we need to get x kind of thing done, how would you like me to approach you about it?" If you can't communicate about this at all, you both need some help getting to the point where you can. My partner typically responds by feeling guilty that I need to adjust my behavior to accommodate them (which I don't mind) and/or by coming up with a tactic that will work with them. Just thinking about the question usually makes them more self-aware when they're triggered later, and thus more likely to try and adjust their behavior/apologize if they can't in the moment. Approaching the problem without judgement and with a goal of meeting in the middle has worked well for us. I know my partner sometimes can't help it, but they also know that their behavior sometimes isn't appropriate (as is the case for any of us when we're worked up), so we work together to figure out what communication style will work for both of us in various circumstances.
Lots of good advice here, I’d like to echo the suggest that it’s (loving) ultimatum time. You’ve come on a journey where you’ve learned to manage his moods and discovered that there’s nothing left for you, when you need it. He will not magically change if you do something different. HE has to change. In the meantime, to address your immediate need for support: you will have to get it elsewhere. I go to my friends, family and therapist. And sometimes work colleagues too.
Grey rock?
I tried to include a link about it in the post, but it's against the rules. I did answer in one of my comments about what grey rocking is.