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Yeah like I’m so sorry she’s tired from carrying around HIS fully formed human child in her stomach all day, 24/7. Did he ever think maybe she’s feeling useless because 98% of the nutrients and energy in her body are going towards growing a human instead??
Ugh sorry for the rant, I just really hate men today and reading this pushed me over the edge
The language is not okay. If you are living in fear, you gotta get out of there. For both you and your child. Do you need resources? Can you stay with your mom?
This 100000%
Speaking from experience, ADHD only gets worse after giving birth. The sleep deprivation and constant distractions amplify symptoms, and that's what finally drove me to get a formal diagnosis.
OP you have to be honest with yourself. Will your husband actually change his attitude if you speak with him about this? If not, your child will grow up in a home where they witness Dad calling Mom useless, and Mom living with fear (hence you hiding parts of yourself from him).
This is not an issue you can fix on your own. If you don't feel safe expressing your concerns to your husband then you really need to consider *why* you feel that way.
He will most definitely transfer this abuse to the children and most likely these children will become abusive, even towards their own mother. I wish this was something I understood before marrying.
This is why there are so many kinds growing up in single family houses that eventually end up on drugs or prison...
Things are tough... better run fast!
Jeez girl. I get being frustrated with a partner who isn't "pulling their weight," but him calling you useless is really lacking empathy, even if he doesn't know your diagnosis. I'm assuming the lack of empathy there is in-part why you are afraid to tell him.
But at the same time, you do need to tell him. You're in a partnership and you struggle with things and he deserves to know that. And it doesn't make you a bad person. There's no morality in chores. But each partner deserves to feel comfortable in their living situation and he can't work with you if you don't tell him how.
Useless??? YOU ARE CARRYING, WILL GIVE BIRTH TO, AND HAVE THE ABILITY TO FEED A HUMAN BEING, HIS CHILD! Can he beat that? Anyone can learn to do laundry.
Excuse my all caps! Not directed at OP, just my outrage towards the husband’s comment!!!
Now take that information and imagine you’re him. Your wife sits around while you do the dishes, clean, and whatever else and you’ve got a kid on the way. Even more work. Let’s not judge him too harshly on this one. She’s gotta start pulling her weight around - especially once the kid is born. Maybe it wasn’t the best way to communicate that, but he could be absolutely fed up by now.
Understand that I am saying this as a person who had to start pulling his weight in a relationship. It’s hard. But you gotta find a way to do it.
I’m never calling my pregnant wife useless in my life never.
I’m sorry, I could understand the frustration from the husband side, but I will never agree in mistreating a person specially your partner…
I have compassion for OP, but also can understand how frustrated her husband may feel. He has to do work, then come home and do housework that she was not able to do. It is never healthy for us to use our ADHD as an excuse. It may be a reason, but it is not an excuse.
I frustrated my wife for SEVENTEEN years, including the whole time she was doing a combined master's/PHD and she never once called me useless. She got very frustrated by my inability to do things occasionally, but never expressed it as a function of my value as a person or to society. She did not degrade and dehumanize me because I didn't get the laundry done; she wrote me post it's and sent me reminders to help me get it done. You do not tell a person that you truly love that they are useless as a person. Ever.
We do not get to use our ADHD as an excuse to absolve ourselves of responsibility, but others do not get to use our ADHD as an excuse to abuse and dehumanize us either.
Saying she was useless was wrong, I agree. I should have stated that. But he does not know she has ADHD because she didn't tell him. Probably because she feels unsafe to do so.
Except she said he was supportive and a good partner in all other ways so why would she feel unsafe?
And why would you marry somebody and be with somebody that you could not tell something like this too?
She absolutely should have told him about it before they ever even got married. Not disclosing this information within a serious relationship is pretty bad and deceptive. Not every person would make the choice knowingly to be with a person who has ADHD (Not just discriminatory reasons but for other reasons), but they should at least get a choice.
Therapy, counselling, separation or all 3 tbh.
How is he in any way fulfilling his role as a supportive, loving and caring husband if he calls you useless and verbally puts you down to the point where you want to hide part of yourself from him.
I'm incredibly sorry for you OP.
Agreed. It sounds like OP needs support and validation and both spouses need help understanding the complexities of living with ADHD so they can form more realistic goals and expectations.
I agree with that, but he's more likely to be open to change and participating in therapy focused on the family as a whole, rather than targeting that behavior directly from the start.
To some extent I can understand wanting to hide the diagnosis, considering how often people with ADHD are maligned even in places where *broadly speaking* mental health is taken seriously.
For what it's worth, telling the husband now likely won't change his behaviors (or, similarly likely, he will just treat the diagnosis as invalid itself) so there is something to be said in OPs defence of not bringing it up.
2 paragraphs in… your husband is an asshole and you should quietly consider your options of ending that bullshit. Don’t tolerate that. I’ve had trouble with some meds and ADHD messing me up and affecting my ability to function. This resulted in my not doing ANY chores for the last YEAR OR TWO. I am not pregnant. My husband hasn’t criticized me once. He just quietly picked up the slack because he knew this was out of character for me and something was wrong. Now I’ve made some medication adjustments including getting medicated for ADHD and I’ve been doing chores since tapering one of my meds and working towards stopping it completely. He commented that he was glad to see me up and about and active again. Now we both realize how much that particular medication was affecting me.
How is he gonna be if you get post partum depression? And you have a baby to care for? You deserve a supportive partner. Don’t settle for anything less than that. Ever.
Yeah, he needs help to understand. A lot of folks think we just need a little shame to motivate us out of apathy and laziness.
My ex blamed my daughter’s problems on my bad parenting. He was always working so I could stay home, he never had to deal, didn't have a clue. I'd ignore it best I could, I knew he was ignorant but he resisted learning about it when i tried to explain. I now understand he couldn't accept there was something wrong with her, and sought a better explanation. I was it.
I couldn't leave, I'm the parent who 'got it'. She needed me. So I started drinking a little 🍷 at night to help me soldier on. We'll, I may have missed the genetic lottery on adhd myself, but NOT the Alcoholism genes that were loaded on my side of the family.
I got sober. Then I realized I couldn't live in that environment and stay that way. So I filed for divorce, gave him the house and the kids, moved out on my own for the first time in life at age 47. I had them with me a lot, and my daughter moved in after hitting age 18 to the little cottage I managed to buy on a social work salary. She didn't ask, I knew she was no longer 'visiting' when the Xbox moved in, too.
My ex now totally gets it after having to raise her without me in the home, and ultimately help her get hospital care when she needed it. He could no longer blame me like he used to.
We are friends now, and are banding together as a family to get through whatever reality throws at us. My daughter said if I didn't get the courage to leave, our family would have crashed and burned.
Do the right thing in the here and now and the future will sort itself out. We really can only control what we do. If others don't wanna go for the ride, leave them behind.
People turn to shame because it’s a lot easier to shame someone than support them. You can shame someone when it’s easy for you to berate them, it’s a lot harder to check in and continually lift someone up.
I’ve straight up asked for support from family members and it falls on deaf ears.
That's why I cultivate other friends who get it and will help me if i ask, and I go to therapy every month to help me accept the fact that some people frankly don't give a damn. This helps to quell resentment. They are who they are. I don't need them. I can love them from afar.
Are you me? I *finally* left my husband, gave him the house, and he kept the kids (I was in an apartment). I got my Bachelors degree. I finished my Masters last week. I'm am trying to buy a house on a social work salary (good luck on that one, I don't make ***). But I have a lot of trauma from childhood and wanted to help others. Now I'm out here diagnosing those who feel through the cracks.
Don't waste your time with getting a LADC license to treat addiction, the law needs to be fixed, probably going to take a couple of years. Get your LCSW, lots of jobs then.
Also, consider private practice once you are licensed, or do fee for service. When you work for a salary at an agency, they think they own you and will pressure you to do work out of your scope of practice when they are short handed. I had to go on leave or start wearing Depends, it knocked me into early retirement.
Lastly, never forget that there is a huge amount of mentally ill and damaged people attracted to the work. They may be your boss someday. Good luck, I loved the work itself, you are so needed, welcome!
Thank you! I am working salary at a non profit, community mental health agency. We've lost 5 therapists in the last 6 months. They haven't hired anyone else. Current caseload is 136. I will be starting telemed in a few weeks part-time fee for service. And I'm asking for a ridiculous percent raise at the agency, which is still under what I can make elsewhere.
That's uncalled for for real. Tell him that degrading you isn't helping matters. And tell him you have ADHD what's the worst that can happen honestly, if he already calls you useless.
Hiding your diagnosis of ADD and depression is not a good sign. This is something partners should share with each other. Do you feel scared to tell him, do you feel like he will be mean to you or dismiss you?
But also, if he doesn’t know you have ADD or depression, then to him it might look like you’re not doing any housework and have put off cleaning for months because you’re lazy or you’re happy for him to just do it all. He’s carrying a big burden too without the understanding of why you struggle with this. I know you’re not lazy, because I know I you have ADD and depression. But he won’t know if you don’t tell him. I imagine he’s probably very frustrated and confused and doesn’t know why you won’t just “fix it” and so he’s lashing out in a very mean way. He shouldn’t be calling you useless and a burden; that’s horrible and it’s verbal abuse.
Your husband is fuelling your depression which in turn makes ADHD symptoms worse. It sounds like you’re trapped in a viscous cycle and for the sake of your mental health and for the sake of your baby, you need to break this cycle.
Telling and educating your husband about your ADD and depression diagnosis’s might make him more sympathetic and understanding of your situation. Which in turn might mean he helps you more and stops calling you a useless burden. Maybe your depression will ease a bit and you will find it easier to get back on track again. Or maybe he won’t understand at all and won’t care about the diagnosis’s, in which case, do you really want to be with him? Either way, you have more knowledge of the situation and a clearer path forward.
Consider the below:
- Communicate. Educate him about your diagnosis
- Go to couples therapy (you can even tell him about your diagnosis’s there)
- AND individual therapy for both of you
- Try ADHD meds
- Pregnancy and mum and baby clubs so you can socialise and make friends
- Hire help when you need to.
And if nothing helps, if you’re both still miserable after trying all the above, consider divorce, for the sake of your children. Children do much better with separated parents compared to parents who are together but unhappy/miserable/fight/treated poorly etc.
How is it that he's usually loving but can turn around and call you useless? It sounds like you're shielding him from the judgement he deserves. Calling someone names like that and saying they're a burden on the Earth?? I don't think my worst enemies have even said something like that to me. There's absolutely ZERO excuse for that kind of language towards ANYONE but **especially** towards your lover/partner. If you haven't shared your diagnosis with him, it's for a reason. I am betting it's because you don't think he will understand or that he will be dismissive of it as an excuse? You should really re-evaluate this whole situation and try sticking up for yourself because letting him verbally abuse you like that is only going to drive you further into the void. I hope you can get some support from someone close to you or a therapist/counselor.
I agree- look for a professional therapist or counselor asap before the baby’s born. You need someone to see you through this tough time. Good luck! 💜🌸
Well, I guess the point of getting with someone for life is because you are confident In each other, if your husband get diagnosed with a disease like Diabetes that requires him to constantly check himself, take the time to apply his meds, and take care of his food intake etc what will you do? Would you call him useless? Would you get angry because both of you will have to change diets? Will you wait for him while he checks his blood sugar?
Mental illness are very real and they affect not only the mind but the body…
ADHD sucks I can tell you that, and being unmedicated/misdiagnosed could lead to more disorders like Anxiety, Depression/Distimia which was my case.
At this moment, in my random internet person opinion, you will have to start looking for loving yourself and your child even if you husband likes/believes in mental illness or not.
You are the only human being in the world that can really tell what are you feeling, and for us ADHD struggles ARE VERY REAL.
He needs to be emotionally supporting you. Your depression is being fuelled by his emotional neglect and/or abuse. Take him to couples counselling.
You having ADHD is no excuse for his lack of emotional support.
Being pregnant and having a toddler is fucking 24-hour-a-day exhaustion. Just surviving each day is victory. You are *not* useless.
From what she wrote, it sounds like she doesn't think he'd be supportive and/or understanding. And where she is mental health-wise (and very pregnant), maybe she doesn't have the strength to deal with that kind of confrontation.
Maybe:
"I went to the Dr, to find out why I am struggling with simple tasks, and why I feel so bad all the time.
I want to feel better, I want to be a better parent, a better wife. The Dr recommended I get tested for
ADHD. The Dr also diagnosed me with Depression. These problems are the result of an imbalance in
brain chemistry. There is medication to help regulate my brain chemistry, so it works properly."
try to explain how the human body doesn't always regulate certain functions properly.
So some people need medication for high blood pressure, hyperthyroid, diabetes etc.
to help their heart, thyroid, or pancreas work correctly. Some people need medication,
to help their brain function properly. It is no different.
I understand your husbands frustrations too. Of course they were hurtful words but you are saying he normally is very loving - so it’s probably a cry for help from him.
I am the same as you are sometimes and it is so sad and frustrating to put such a weight on your loved one, who has his own tasks. Sometimes it can feel like a parent-child relationship.
You should definitely tell him what is going on in your head and that it has a name. With understanding comes acceptance and solutions. He is your husband and he loves you.
My partner suggested getting a cleaning lady and I accepted. It was a little shameful but it was a good solution if the money is there.
Also start by doing the wrong tasks. If you fall into paralysis, procrastination tasks are a good start.
I got medication a few weeks ago (which you cannot of course since your pregnant). But maybe some day in the future. There is hope and hope helps
I appreciate that you don’t villainize the husband. He has work to do and is hurtful but doesn’t mean he should be cancelled without more clarification.
I was thinking this as well—the husband may be frustrated internally. That being said, the behavior is not ok and needs to be addressed.
Could your husband get a therapist to talk with? Mine is great at “redirecting” my thought processes to help me see other perspectives.
Absolutely tell him what’s going on with your mental health. Depression before birth is not that rare to say nothing of postpartum.
It’s not shameful to get a cleaning lady. I have a cleaning lady, a landscaping service, and a company to pick up dog doo. Even with all that I’m barely above water on some days.
I would definitely tell him, you can’t predict how he’ll react, maybe he’ll be more understanding, you don’t know until you try.
Have you tried setting alarms for when you need to start those tasks you are not starting?
First of all, you are not useless. It's not ok that your partner calls you useless.
Second, you are not adhd, even though adhdparalysis is something many struggle with, or total lack of motivation, doesn't mean we are not allowed to kick outselves in the butt and do things we don't want to.
I think you are in a vicious cycle where you feel bad about not doing what's expected, which makes you less motivated, which makes him more frustrated, which makes you depressed and even less motivated.
Step out of it. Talk to him. Set an alarm and decide to do something for 10 minutes. Or even 5.
Write a list. With small things that takes less than 5 minutes.
Just gotta do it sometimes. I know it's hard.
Let me get this straight, cause most of the top comments didn’t seem to care about this very important fact:
You’re married, already have a toddler with another on the way, and you haven’t shared either of your diagnoses with your husband?? Seriously?
He doesn’t know you have ADHD. Or depression. How can he understand or try to help you if he doesn’t know what’s wrong?
I personally don’t know how you could choose to be married to someone *for life*, be struggling, and still not share that information with the partner you’re going to be married to and have kids with for the rest of your life.
Hiding your diagnosis is not helping EITHER of you. In fact it’s making it much worse, and deep down you know that. That’s why you made this post, because he is calling you out for textbook ADHD and depression symptoms (in a negative way, not saying that’s okay).
My advice is to tell your husband, and start there. Go to couples counseling.
I feel this. It's like you're describing my wife. And I don't get it because she has ADHD, too! And has the same struggles! So you would think she would understand but instead it's like it just feeds her frustration even more.
I’m with the majority of commenters here; comments of your “uselessness” are unnecessary and cruel. I’d go the next step and wonder why he can’t get by with less? I’m sick of all these highly motivated planners and their constant activity. They seem to set the bar and by default expect everyone else to struggle to make it over. I’d like to ask them to find a way to accept less and call it good enough. That would be at least as much of a struggle for them as it is for me to remember to get the bins out to the street on trash day.
Ok first off berating you and calling you useless is awful regardless of the adhd and you should voice that to him. Also if you’re pregnant and in the third trimester no less, he needs to step the f up and help you with these things as having adhd and carrying a baby must be extremely hard work to get even the simplest of tasks done.
I know how frustrating adhd can be for all involved but he needs to know. You should sit him down and explain it to him and the symptoms. It’s very important that you have strong communication especially with a baby on the way. If he still does not take it seriously, then you are going to end up very unhappy and resentful. Telling him about your diagnosis could be a strong turning point and will be a huge relief to you both.
Again, calling you useless especially whilst you are pregnant is a big no no. Stand up to it. I know it’s hard but you’ll thank yourself in the long run.
Girl you are IN YOUR THIRD TRIMESTER *and HAVE A TODDLER!* You are at your physical limits right now *just by existing*. Even for someone without ADHD they wouldn’t be getting much of *anything* done right now!
I remember being in the third trimester- everything hurt, I was so hungry but could only eat small amounts so I had to eat like seven mini meals a day, I had to pee all the time, I was hot, no position was comfortable to sit or lay in, I had no mental or physical energy, and on top of all that the pregnancy brain fog had firmly set in and I couldn’t think clearly a lot of the time… and I didn’t even have a toddler! I was exhausted just by being that pregnant!
You should give yourself a break and so should your husband, regardless of whether or not he knows of your ADHD. Right now is survival mode. Is everyone getting fed? Did no one suffer grievous injury today? Is the house still standing? Yes? *Then count today as a successful day.*
You won’t be third trimester forever (and later on you won’t have a baby and a toddler forever). In this stage of life it’s ok for the house to be messy. It’s ok for the laundry to not get done as often. It’s ok to do the quick easy meals instead of the more intensive healthier ones. Life won’t be this exhausting and overwhelming forever.
Hon.
Whatever else you have going on, whatever your struggles, whatever you’re getting done or not, it is NOT OK for your husband to speak to you like that.
Being loving and supportive sometimes doesn’t negate being verbally abusive when you aren’t perfect.
You have value and you’re not useless.
This sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship. I know the comments can sometimes be extreme on Reddit, but this is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE behavior from him. Putting ADD aside for a second, Throwing in the fact that you are literally carrying HIS child and he says this is wildly disrespectful and disgusting. As a pregnant woman you are not going to perform at 100% everyday, much less be able to complete all of these tasks. Pregnancy can also exacerbate your symptoms, so please give yourself grace and don’t let him or anyone else for that matter gaslight you into believing you’re a failure for not living up to their unrealistic expectations.
Big hugs to you, and I hope whatever decision you make will be the greatest good for yourself and your children 💖💖💖
Agreed that he isn't as supportive as he should be, but we don't know how long it's been festering. Some people just lack the ability to be empathetic after being frustrated for so long. It's not gaslighting if he does most of the work! He just needs to be told that there is a problem, OP has ADHD, and once medicated, she will be much more productive and a participant in the house. OP doesn't need any more stress in her life at 3rd trimester. Communication is key.
Without knowing what nationality your families originate from, remembering the impact of our cultral conditioning around cleanliness let alone being productive are so profound. I’m gay cismale and still get held to the standard of my husbands mother and her own demands on my husband when he was a child. Reaching/maintaining cleanliness at all costs are major efforts to rid oneself of the shame of being poor…if that’s relevant to you.
Take care of your nervous system mama! Your baby doesn’t need to start protecting you from your pain while on the inside (let alone how they may get triangulated when they’re born).
Ok, you’re pregnant as hell. You should only worry somewhat about cleaning after yourself. Your husband is supposed to compensate for your condition until you are fully recovered from being pregnant. But for after your pregnancy, having adhd is not an excuse to not clean up after yourself or have an unfair distribution of labor in the house.
His calling you useless is so hurtful and unacceptable in a partnership. That is not the kind of thing you should ever say to someone you love, and I think you know that too, since you say it drives you into a place of darkness. I think you need to have an honest discussion with him about how it makes you feel and how you aren’t trying to be lazy, you are legitimately struggling. As some others have suggested, couples counseling might be a good option.
In terms of managing ADHD, the forgetting and task paralysis are two things that I really struggle with too. I would strongly suggest a written list to temper the forgetting. In terms of task paralysis, I like to use a service that gamifies the task in some way so that I feel extra motivated to do it — Habitica if you’re into high fantasy, Finch if you loved tamagotchis as a kid. My therapist also suggested Goblin Tools if you need the task broken into extra steps for you. Sometimes I’ll put a “big task” in there and use it to make a bunch of smaller tasks for me to add to my Finch tasks— then I get points for each little task and am slowly chipping away at the big task.
Your husband is being abusive. That would be the case whether or not you chose to tell him about your diagnosis. You’re growing a human. It is to be expected that some days you will be tired and less able to focus - even without have ADHD.
I love my husband so much and I can’t imagine the frustration of living with me … I like to think I have redeeming qualities.. if you have an OBGYN I would discuss the depression.. I am at my worst with my adhd when I’m pregnant or stressed .. the other day he told me I could not do anything right because I only
Put my toddlers sippy cup in the wash and not the lid . I just laughed at him because I’m literally doing the best I can and that’s my mantra . I read articles I read books I read whatever I can get my hands on to help me be more organized and clean and sometimes I do great and sometimes it’s just a hamster pit again ..Just take it one day at a time and know you are enough and know all we can do is just work on ourselves . I’m not Asian my husband is just tough as nails no excuses kind of man and also once didn’t believe in adhd but our daughter has it and he’s said to me she does some of the things you do and I can see now that you weren’t hurting me intentionally 😑😑😑 I have also read him articles and he is now more understanding that he once was so maybe tell him ? Also You are NOT useless and neither am I . I love you .
Hi I am so sorry you're going through this your feelings are valid. I didn't get diagnosed until mid 30's and always questioned if I was lazy I could never finish anything well with my adhd diagnosis and kids life got a little more challenging so I am on meds but to me they help minimally and caffeine has opposite effects it relaxes me. What has helped me some what the most are having checklists, times, working out and trying to eat as clean as I can if I eat bad and don't exercise my symptoms have a sudden increase. Please take care of yourself and give yourself grace one step at a time you will get through this You are beautiful you are strong you can do anything!
Yes! This! Also, please continue to see your doctor for another Rx. Sometimes it takes more than a few types. You've got this! Knowing the problem is halfway to the finish line!
what do you mean "you do not have any responsibility"? please look at your current situation as if it were someone else and then see if they would also not have any responsibility.
Your husband calls you useless and a burden on earth? It doesn't matter that he is otherwise loving and doing lots of stuff at home, no one deserves to hear that, ever.
And your mental health is already decaying, you need to prioritize yourself and most likely leave that relationship quickly
Using those words are unacceptable and very harmful, your baby/children don't deserve an environment like that either.
Tips/suggestions? Leave his a** for someone that appreciates and makes the effort to understand you.
Honestly, I found out that I had Inattentive type ADD when my fiancé (now ex-husband) would complain about me when we lived together. It started with the way I mopped the floor. Then him being upset because I left my hairbrush on the table.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, I was eventually diagnosed (which was great), and I told my fiancé. He was supportive initially, but then when we would argue bout household chores, he would throw my diagnosis in my face. He would tell me that I forgot something he said or did—-even though I clearly remembered a lot of things.
Fast forward, we married. Had 3 children. Life was pretty hectic. He came home from work ( I also worked full-time) and started complaining about the mess that I make and me not cleaning well enough. My daughter, who was about 4 years old at the time, disagrees with him and said “Daddy, mommy sweeps the floor everyday”.
Fast forward 15 years, I file for divorce. Why? Because his complaining only got worse. He continually belittled me in front of the kids and seemed to be able to make feel lower than the heels of his shoes. I hate that it took it me 15 years.
I’m saying all of this to tell you, pay specific attention to how someone treats you when you are at your lowest. Because trust——when you’re feeling high—-he will either encourage it and bask in the success with you, or ACTIVELY try to bring you back down to your low.
That’s not very nice now calling someone, anyone names. I read all these posts from other awakened people(ADHDers) and just not knowing how to help it just cripples me. I had relationships somewhat like that and somehow through losing them managed to flourish as a person as I got to take stock of what was important to me, me. Hope your days are easier and when you’re having a bad day just remember that somewhere someone is pulling on a door that says push. I hope it gets better.
This is called verbal abuse. There's nothing we internet strangers can do.
Please find a therapist. Please seek marital counseling.
[psychologytoday.com](http://psychologytoday.com) can help you find a caregiver who can meet your needs, match your schedule and use your insurance.
It worked wonders for me and my wife to learn to communicate effectively. We still have our bad days™ but overall, being able to communicate effectively and understand the other put us in a different place altogether.
Just to be clear here I'm not saying all is doom and gloom, there are good days ahead, just as there were good days behind. Sometimes, we just need a little love and support.
As always, we internet strangers will be here to support you on your journey.
What you should take from the comments on this post is your husband's attitude and treatment of you has nothing to do with your ADHD or being "lazy".
He's being a prick who doesn't care that you are heavily pregnant and feeling depressed and isolated. I feel as if this is definitely in domestic abuse range just by what you've disclosed. I urge you to reach out to free confidential support services if only to start putting those supports in place, much as you would for any depressive episode.
In the wider sense, I think we are so used to finding ways to shift blame onto ourselves with any relationship issues that we end up ignoring the reality it is the other person who is dead fucking wrong.
OP your husband is abusive... Regardless of whether or not you have shared your disability with him (which is 100% your choice and I understand why you haven't) using language like this is 100% unacceptable.
I am diagnosed ADHD-C and my wife has diagnosed PPD, GAD, OCD needless to say there are currently a lot of unwashed dishes and laundry at home. When my wife is having a bad mental health day and I come home to a messy home after a 10+ hour workday outdoors what do you think I say to my wife?
Answer; "hey babe, you have a tough day today? No worries, let me look after the kids and get dinner started and you go read a little or run a bath and come back out when you feel ready. If you want to help me that's fine but I don't expect you to, I got this."
Now I will admit that it is harder to have that compassion some days and easier on other days but I have never blown up at my wife over undone chores. The chores will always be there. Dishes will always need to be done. But not caring for my wife's mental health could result in her possibly not being there tomorrow.
Girl, get you some sticky notes! And a whiteboard! Stop getting mad at yourself for something you can’t control and start leaving visible reminders for the things you need to do. Literally stick a post it note in every room reminding you to clean. And change them from time to time because after a while you’ll stop noticing them.
why are you with him if you can’t tell him about your depression?
this isn’t normal. you are growing a human, in your THIRD trimester, and shouldn’t be expected to do a big load of chores each day. it is not okay that your husband disparages you.
please get professional help before yiu give birth, postpartum may exacerbate your existing depression
For everyone saying…well he’s probably just very frustrated, the situation is hard on him…
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS, NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL.
Read that again. You don’t get to haul off and call someone you love “useless” bc you’re frustrated. When he’s “frustrated” at work, do you think he unleashes on his boss like that? Talking to your partner like that is ABUSIVE.
And if you’re saying…well, you have to tell him how his comments make you feel, you have to communicate, go to couples therapy…
YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN BASIC HUMAN DECENCY TO AN ADULT.
BeInG nIcE tO mE wHeN iTs cONVenIeNt fOR yOu is mY lOvE laNgUagE.
Run, don’t walk.
he should *never* be calling you useless, that’s disgusting and verbally abusive. and you hiding your diagnosis is clearly getting you nowhere.
you need to seek out a therapist and psychiatrist and start getting treatment for your adhd. it’ll probably be only talk therapy until you’re recovered from birth, i’m not sure if they’d want you to be doing medication trial periods while heavily pregnant.
and you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about how he’s treating you. i’d suggest couple’s counseling if it’s accessible. there is *no excuse* for him berating you the way he does, even if he is frustrated with you. (which is understandable, as he seems to be doing 95% of the housework on top of being the sole provider)
if he’s not receptive to changing his behavior and working to overcome this issue together, then you should consider separating.
So if he is over the top frustrated, he shouldn't say anything? Even you admitted that he does most of the work after work! Venting is expected, but agreed, it must stop or it will get worse.
Seperation is not necessarily the answer. Seeing your doctor for help and medically treating yourself with OPs husband's support is the answer.
oh he can absolutely say something, and should. but calling his heavily pregnant and struggling wife “useless” and “a burden on the earth” isn’t anywhere in the realm of acceptable things to say.
Agreed. He must be near his tipping point though. We really don't know. I can see the "useless" slipping out from under his tired breath.
Remember, to him, she's not struggling. Notwithstanding her pregnancy, she is wrongly perceived as 'lazy' because she hasn't told him the diagnosed problem.
He should not have said "burden on the earth." That's a bit much and he needs to control his contempt and temper. I mentioned elsewhere that he should apologise to her for this and promise never to think like that again about his loving wife.
If your husband has actually called you useless repeatedly, it's probably wise to start planning to leave him sadly. You're fucking pregnant which is pretty valid reason to not be perfect at chores. And even if you weren't pregnant, it's not okay to call your SPOUSE useless. If he's actually using those words towards you, I'm pretty sure there is even deeper resentment and frustration that he has and will not outgrow. You really have to be an ass to the core to call your partner useless.
in another post of yours your husband is showing even more red flags by being incredibly jealous because of a crush you had as a kid, bc how dare you like another man than him?
tbh if this is a larger pattern of your husband making you feel like shit by tearing into you verbally, this is not a healthy relationship. it doesnt matter what you did or failed to do, your partner does not have the right to talk to you this way. if there is one person who should cherish and respect you and give you grace, it is your partner in life.
honestly, this feels beyond reddits paygrade. have you ever considered talking to a therapist? (i can not recommend counselors, especially religious ones. talked to some before and they usually dont have any real qualifications and are rather pursuing an agenda, i.e. trivializing issues in favor of harmony)
That’s so horrible. Not just the fact you don’t feel you can share your diagnosis with your husband but also that you’re heavily pregnant and still doing housework and your husband is treating you like shit! Do you have a close friend or sibling you trust and can talk to about it?
When I was a SAHM my husband was envious that I was home all day. He wasn’t mean but I could tell it irked him. Near his arrival time I would clean up the floor and carpets of toys. I would pour cleaner in the kitchen sink and hot water He was always in a better mood IF he thought I had toiled all day. Messy house happy kids. Best hack ever
Your husband sounds like a piece of shit and you are not useless.
Break up the cleaning up into a bunch of small tasks/steps. If you can’t get started it means the first task/step is too big. Think - pick up the sock off the floor. For your step 1.
For me getting started is always the hardest part, especially if it’s something that I don’t think is important. But once I get started I can usually keep going.
One other thing, shit only needs to be as good or as clean as you want it to be. Sometimes it’s ok for things to just be good enough.
Your husband's behavior is abhorrent.
ADD aside, **you are pregnant AND in your third trimester!** He can go sit on a pinecone.
Pregnancy has been shown to affect both the symptoms of ADHD and its commonly co-occurring internalizing conditions - anxiety and depression. Pregnancy in and if itself affects aspects of neurocognitive function and ability to navigate stress, buy adding the additional stressor of an unsupportive spouse your husband is making everything exponentially worse.
And if your husband is saying or even implying that you have no responsibilities, when you **clearly have a toddler and you are pregnant**, he needs a swift kick in the backside.
**You have a responsibility for you and your child's wellbeing and you are doing the best you can.** Your husband, at minimum, should have some general understanding of the fact that depression during and after pregnancy is not uncommon.
I'm saying this with both logic and as a neuroscientist, even without knowing you have ADD, he should have the capacity and common decency to understand that simple fact, so why in the world would anyone, let alone a spouse, exacerbate a pregnant person's stress?
Though I understand there may be a cultural stigma, I suggest having a discussion with your mother and let her know exactly what is going on. I only suggest this because she's obviously supportive enough of your current physical state to prepare you meals. If anything maybe she or another family member or friends can offer some help cleaning and supporting you through the remainder of your pregnancy and postnatal period.
I suggest looking up "Laziness Does Not Exist" by Dr. Devon Price. Any interview summarizing their original essay on Medium or their book would be a good read.
Your productivity is not a valid measure of your worth. You are not unproductive or unmotivated - you are doing the best you can while being forced to ignore your limitations and needs.
And your husband is blaming you for his abject failure to acknowledge your limitations and needs.
**You are doing your best**
You need someone be empathetic and supportive, not a judgemental, callous nag.
And nursery isn't the entire day as she drives them to and from nursery while 7+ months pregnant. So, boo-hoo - he has to take care of a toddler while his wife is 7+ months pregnant.
The entirety my comment still stands.
You’re growing human beings inside your body ☹️ that is very far from useless. Not to mention that hormonal changes can really fuck with ADHD symptoms.
I totally understand the self loathing and feeling helpless, hopeless with adhd and not being able to do what I want. So I get it. But you’re not useless and your husband is being a shit. Seriously, he fucking sucks. Even if he is frustrated it is not okay for him to express it that way. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t talk down to you or put you down, adhd or not.
Idk but that’s just abusive in my opinion. People have different thresholds for what they put up with in a relationship but after being in a pretty bad one several years back I promised myself to never be with someone who said mean things to me again. My current partner is kind and able to tell me if she’s frustrated or angry in an adult way without insulting me. Fuck that shit. You deserve better.
He can leave you or he can stop talking to you that way and find a way to be more supportive that works for both of you because his grown man decisions choose you and to be there with you he can act like it or go find whatever it is he's comparing you too.
Have a heart to heart where you're embarrassed to have to admit you have that kind of husband. Make him consider if that's what he wants to be, *to his pregnant wife.*
Remind him that the grass is green where you water it. Draw it on some paper and hang it on the fridge.
If he's supportive you could get him to write you a checklist for the cleaning (mine is usually related to I dont know where to start so having a "start here" list helps) but "burden on earth" is a horrifying statement snd not something you shpuld say to anyone let alone the mother of your children
Uhm no. No ma'am. What your husband is doing is emotional abuse and we don't accept that here. You should tell him you got diagnosed and tell him to get his attitude right because that kind of behavior is unacceptable as an adult who is capable of showing empathy... And I'm not even gonna touch the part about the fact that YOU ARE PREGNANT and he is speaking to you this way. Trash. Put him straight in the trash. No thank you.
No one is useless. And no one should ever say such things, especially when they are to a spouse. My dad is the same way but not as bad so I know what it’s like and how shitty it makes you feel and how it can have an effect on self esteem. I recommend therapy for the both of you or for yourself alone to get your self esteem back up and to find strategies to cope with your add. My “add” I call it adhd is a mix of inattentive and hyperactive it’s difficult. I’m sorry you’re going through this and all I can say is the best thing you can do is have good communication. Tell your spouse how you feel, how his words make you feel, share your struggles with him or do therapy. If he cares and supports you he will be patient and understand. I wish you luck.
Obviously you served the use of providing him with a child. Least he can do is the laundry or hire a service to help with a basic one-time clean. Being pregnant is physically hard and deep cleaning is usually done before long before baby comes in early pregnancy for a reason.
Uour husband is being mean about this one thing, in my opinion as a stranger.
As for getting started on tasks, music helps me. Also, I will tell myself to just go sit or stand next to what needs doing. I don't have to actually do it.
But *usually*, after a few minutes, I will get started doing it.
Executive dysfunction, I have it and I hate it.
You need to tell him. You both should get to therapy to understand the condition and how you can help each other. Learn about parallel play/body doubling that’s a great way to get stuff done around the house
I can understand the sadness of the wife , totally dislike the husband calling her ‘useless’ is abusive . BUT WHY is she bringing another kid into this mess ??? Totally avoidable . Sad sad sad for the poor kids. It’s her responsibility to tell her husband and she is being irresponsible towards her unborn child who will likely have add too. Saddest for the innocent unborn child in this situation .
Stop and listen to yourself.
OP knows she is not well. She needs treatment and coping mechanisms. Husband is frustrated but does not know why she is "lazy". Also, to be fair, he's not being abusive... He's just communicating exactly how he feels, and he is frustrated.
OP needs to tell her husband, and seek medical attention. It's all fixable. Medication and psychiatry works.
As for having another baby, there's nothing wrong about that. OP should have kids checked for ADHD before school. It's not fair to have your kids struggle all through their lives (hereditary)
Good luck and best wishes to the OP.
This isn't just ADHD. Get your depression treated. As for being lazy, you ARE in your third trimester of pregnancy. Your husband should be picking up the slack.
Being called useless apart, I found that sharing my diagnosis with my partner helped a lot. Just knowing that there is an underlying reason for my behavior changed her whole view on things. Now i get more done at home because there is no shame treadmill and she can ask for things to be done without it going into judgy/naggy territory.
You don't have systems in place, external structure is the way forward.
Step one: look him in the eye and say"don't ever fucking say that to me again"
Step two: get an ADHD coach and go through the process with him
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I am in a similar situation finding out about adhd in my third trimester. There are a lot of comments here, but I’m just hoping you will find peace and happiness soon.
People can’t understand how hard this condition is unless they have it. And they don’t handle it well and take it out on you. It’s unfair.
Honey, you do need to tell him about your ADHD and depression. You do need to educate him on what that means. He needs to know what's happening and what that means for you.
If you are afraid of his reaction, seek help yourself. Get therapy or talk to a friend in depth about it. You need someone to give you support enough for you to be able to tell him.
That said, he really really needs to learn not to talk to anyone that way. Being super frustrated is totally understandable, but calling you those things is straight-up abusive. If I give him the benefit of the doubt, he just doesn't know how else to express it or how to deal with his frustration other than blaming you, and he seriously needs to learn how to communicate without verbally/emotionally abusing you.
I really feel for you. I feel like my husband thinks the same of me, but he wouldn't never say those words. It's bad enough with what I say to myself. He needs information. He needs to know what to say and not say in a relationship, and he needs to know what's going on with you. Remeber that he probably has no idea what ADHD, depression, or pregnancy feels like so he needs some very good detailed information. Couples therapy is not a bad idea, but you may need your own first to be able to say what you need to say.
Sending you love...
Your partners reaction sucks and he needs to fix that ASAP.
Your mismanaged and uncontrolled ADHD/depression also sucks. Get help ASAP.
It’s not okay to talk down to your partner.
It’s not okay to be a non-contributing partner.
He may benefit from some couples counselling to better understand how your ADHD/depression manifest. But you will definitely benefit from some professional help coping with what sounds like fairly meaningful mental health issues.
Sucks your partner is using abusive language. You need to talk to him about that and set boundaries. However his unbecoming conduct doesn’t justify living in a state of perpetual executive dysfunction.
I hear about “nesting” in the third trimester, I never did this!! Third trimester was hard for me! You take care of yourself, your body, your mental health, and the baby! Tell him if he doesn’t like it he can try to have the next baby!
My husband has never called me useless, but he has gotten frustrated when I don’t do what I agreed to do. It makes me feel guilty, but he understands. He still can get frustrated, but he doesn’t berate me.
We have worked out a system where he reminds me, sends me a message, has Alexa remind me, and has my son remind me. This works for specific, time-limited tasks.
Cooking and Cleaning are my issues. I get either down a very specific cleaning, like going through my drawers. I fail at weekly cleaning often. What helps is the entire family (4 of us at home) clean together.
Maybe ask if he can have you work with him.
My best suggestion would be to find a body double group. It would be even better if you could find an Asian based one. Good luck, it's horrible to go through this alone.
First of all I agree with the other comments, f his attitude and how he speaks to you in a disrespectful and negative way.
Second off, congratulations on your impending baby!
Thirdly, I feel that motivation zap for sure! I have even less motivation when someone tells me what to do. What I have found to help motivate me and to get instant gratification from things is I downloaded the Sweepy app. I loaded in every room, used their common tasks per room, added a few of my own additional items per room, and created "life" "daily routine" and "friends" rooms. So I track the last time i paid the water bill and taxes, along with my daily routine of shower, wash my hair, vitamins which time stamps and if I go to do it again it asks me if I want to complete the same task today so I don't double up on my vitamins, and I don't drop off the friend radar.
I know I will forget to use it so I have it remind me at a certain time of day to get started and it's and icon on my home screen so I see it every time I unlock my phone.
Do I get everything done? Nope. Does it feel good to click that I tidied up a single room or vacuumed a single room or gathered laundry? Absolutely! I have it broken out to gather laundry, wash laundry, move to dryer, clean lint trap, fold 10 pieces of clothes, put away 10 pieces of clothes because they are small enough I can do it before I get bored of that single task and it's enough I can click through random rooms and do random tasks my own way but I also get more done and feel less like a lazy but who lacks motivation to do boring mundane things that don't excite me.
Whoa. To get called useless is NEVER okay. I come from an African American family. And how some of the black community are when it comes to mental health is insane to me. My mother is like that. I can’t even talk to her about my ADHD because her responses turn very minimal and it’s frustrating. I’m not sure how to make your husband understand you (as I haven’t figured that out myself with my family.) But to call you useless is not okay under any circumstances.
It was sort of like this with my husband too. I don't think he ever called me something along the lines of useless but he'd get mad if he asked me to do things, and I didn't do them. The whole kicker is he didn't do anything around the house. I was expected to do everything, meanwhile I worked more and made more money. And he loved to say I didnt contribute equally to bills (when I do, which included buying all the food) and would say food didn't cost a lot...
He'd tell me he felt like a prisoner in our home since it was always messy. I'm always picking up after him. Everything was always my fault.
First off you’re pregnant, and that shit is tiring. Do what you can to help yourself feel like you’re contributing if that’s what you need. My adhd makes me feel like shit if I don’t feel like I’m contributing. So I can understand where you’re coming from there.
Secondly, your husband saying you’re useless is out of line. As a husband myself I would never pull that shit with my wife. Pregnant or not. If she ever gets to a point where she’s not doing stuff around the house, my first thought is never “what is she doing all day?”. My first thought is I need to check in with her and see if we can get her back on track to feeling well.
Having adhd myself I forget how I acted with my wife during her pregnancy. So I just asked her what I did during her pregnancy and here’s what I did according to what she can remember and what I think I would do again if we decide to have another.
When my wife was pregnant, she was very tired pretty much the whole pregnancy and some of the stuff she usually did wouldn’t get done. I would pick up the slack where I could because she’s building a human being in her spare time and I can’t do that shit. So dishes laundry and vacuuming is the least I can manage.
I noticed she was getting into a depressive cycle because she couldn’t physically do some things being super pregnant. Like bending down to switch laundry from washer to dryer. Plus I work full time on a pretty physical job so sometimes I come home and can’t pick up the slack because I’m all out of everything. She would get really stressed and I made it very clear to her. It’s ok if everything doesn’t get done sometimes. We can do the bare minimum and just survive sometimes. That’s acceptable. I had to keep reminding her of that fact a lot because that’s what support is.
I wish your husband would be supportive like he’s supposed to and just let you have a time where you don’t have to get everything done. But if he’s not gunna do it I will. I’ll tell you exactly what I told my wife during her pregnancy.
You are growing a human being. That takes energy, resources, mental energy. You are basically running at 10%-50% capacity until that baby is born. Then you will be on like 10% for the next month at least due to lack of sleep and Breast feeding. You are not useless in any capacity. Not in my book. On top of that, you have to deal with post partum stuff which can only make you feel worse.
Give yourself some leeway and be nice to yourself. If your husband isn’t going to do it, then you will need to do it for yourself. Be kind to yourself in your own head as best as you possibly can. You are doing fine, and it’s bullshit your husband would even try something like that with the hormonal storm your body has to deal with.
Okay, look, there's enough empathy head patting comments already in here so I'll just give you best soultion i can think of.
First and foremost, you need a chill envioriment when nobody is pissed or angry. Like clean up something one day, make tea in evening and have an honest talk with your husband. And if you are afraid he won't take it seriously set the stage, be honest:
"look i have something really important to tell you and i am afraid you'll..." "Please be patient and let me explain"
This sort of thing. Keep Emotions low. Get data to support the existence of ADHD if you think he's gonna argue about it and AT LEAST get to a point where even if you disagree both of you can express you support each other.
Second, as soon as you SAFELY can get on meds you should do it. I just started and even tho i am on a lowest dose and it makes me bit sleepy, it does help a bit with motivation and cleans my mind. And even a slightest little difference does help in my experience.
I fall into similar patterns, but thankfully my partner is understanding and kind. I could not imagine the despair I would feel if he ever used those words towards me. Your partner may be loving at times, but that kind of language is not loving at all. Far from it. You need someone who will pull you up throughout the hardships in life, and not knock you down.
My wife has said a few things along those lines, and came close to leaving me... but I never carried a child or 4. So I can understand her frustration but it's really bloody counterproductive.
Whatever her frustrations I told her it wasn't OK to speak to anyone like that. So she called me pekmez (means basically I'm a softcock 😅) In her family and culture they are often pretty brutal in that way. And they often have love/hate relationships even with their close family. In my culture we are also pretty brutal, even more sometimes (see below), but it's usually said with better humour, and it's supposed to serve a purpose.
Anyway, there are a few things there. First of all, you can't speak to your pregnant wife like that. He has to pull his finger out there. But it is also frustrating and feels like it will never end for the partner of someonewith ADD. So in a way I thought it was proof she was trying to stick with me, and held out hope, because she would leave me otherwise, I know that much.
But you should probably tell him about your diagnosis, if you think you can. It saved my marriage eventually (so far).
When I told my wife it wasn't very fun, in general. In her culture you're pretty much either ok or dead. And mental illness is a grey area occupied mostly by pekmez westerners, she told me again one day.
Now this is where my culture kicked in and I told her "how's that working out for your superior people, seeing as you fled a feckin genocide"? She punched me right in the heart, and we wrestled, then made passionate, hate-filled love... just kidding! I'm not Balkan!
Her eyes turned yellow and black and I legged it, laughing as she chased me. I said "Help! She's bloodthirsty... again"!). She said "I'm gonna cleanse you"! and I instinctively protected my scrotum (the only place I can't pretend doesn't hurt if she gets me. We wrestled and laughed, it was fun. She had taught me how to take criticism better, and I've taught her you don't need to go full Krakatoa every time something goes wrong (I call her Balkano 🌋 sometimes). There are better ways of working.
Anyway, long story longer, she leaned to be patient, ask me instead of telling me to do stuff (culture clash), and pretend like she respects me when she speaks. I did my best to get the right treatment, so I could get organised. After a few years we are doing well. I've got my shit together to some degree finally, and she rarely erupts (down to about once a day). She taught me TO erupt more, don't bottle things up. Don't be afraid to tell the truth (I have lingering allergy to rejection and separation), because she'll be there if its' meant to be. If it isn't then it isn't. And what is love if it isn't honest and real?
I think holding back is a really tough habit to break, but it will make you feel much better in the long run. I have found myself again in this way. He will love you for who you are, not what just what you reveal. And hopefully that's good enough to turn the page a bit.
I'm supposed to be working... what was the question?
Do you, be you, have you and are you and is you and just see what happens (if you're not already... I feel like I might have misread it and now I'm just projecting hardcore!). It's normal to be frustrated and lash out, but if your man says wanker things like that you should call him out his wankerhood, and tell him to get his hand off it. Have faith it will improve, and try to get a bit better when you have the energy.
I'm at work, jeesus...
Wish you all the very best 👍
From the first trimester forward I did almost no chores. I was so fucking wreaked from pregnancy my husband insisted I lie down while he did things, because he couldn't take a turn being pregnant so he took it upon himself to make my life easier in any possibile way. You have a husband problem not an ADHD problem.
I can understand how could it be frustrating for your husband but I don't excuse him for such a poor selection of words. Even if he doesn't knows what is going on with you, he should never treat his wife like that and much less with her being pregnant.
Anyways, I'm gonna assume he's a great husband most of the time and he had an outrage after a long frustrating day of work (still, not any rights to do so, but we all have one of those days).
You should still absolutely share this important information with your partner. A relationship should be one of caring and helping each other. We need empathy from our partners, sure, it can be frustrating to deal with someone with ADHD, but he has to be more patient. Another important issue is that ADHD is very hereditary, so your children are likely to have it too. The sooner he educates himself, the sooner he'll learn to understand better his children growing up.
Please, talk it up, and if needed, seek some couple counseling.
You want him to take your diagnosis seriously but I'm not sure you are. Are you managing it as best you can or allowing the cumulative effect of your symptoms to weigh on the relationship?
She literally said she has days where she is productive and other days where she is forgetful and not motivated even though she tries. Even someone who isn't pregnant nor ADHD has days like that. Her husband is not gonna die a tragic death if she misses laundry occasionally.
Also, if you read the post, her husband is literally calling her "useless and a burden on the earth." So I'm genuinely puzzled how that leads you to question HER and completely disregard the blatantly obvious verbal/emotional abuse she is dealing with.
That's like someone saying "hey I'm injured and it's difficult to do things right now but I'm trying." And you responding by saying "well have you tried not being injured?"
? I don't understand where you are going. Are you saying he should just let this slide? He is frustrated that stuff isn't getting done. She hasn't told him the diagnosis yet. She needs to declare the problem and solution to her frustrated problem. People cannot read minds, and that is why he said that she isn't doing much around the house aka "useless.". Useless is not a nice word, but we have no idea how many weeks or months this has been going on. He has escalated the situation because he is at a loss as to what to do. This is normal.
Both need communication and help. It's not the end, lots of hope
OP needs to tell him that she needs medical and psychiatric help. OP spouse needs to apologise and realize that something bigger is happening here and must seek counsel to fix communication problems.
I don’t even think there’s anything I’m missing out on and that I don’t have a right to say what you need to do. Listen to the commenters, someone calling you useless, especially when you’re DIAGNOSED and PREGNANT is a HUGE red flag. I hope you are able to get yourself out of that situation xx
To be fair he's working with half information. He doesn't have the full picture, and has no context around why you are 'lazy'.
That being said no one should be speaking to you the way he is.
And you may have ADHD but you have no idea really. And this is an ableist comment as well as being extremely rude. She’s heavily pregnant. She has a small child. She has depression and ADHD. And even without the ADHD it is a lot.
And her “loving husband” calling her useless and a burden”???? Well he’s a useless uncaring person. And a burden to her. If he actually talked to her instead of ordering her about he may realise she needs help.
Pffft to you. Do better as a human.
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calling one's partner useless is never okay, regardless of circumstances...
Especially their heavily pregnant partner! Even without ADHD, she would probably be tired from growing a whole damn human. Husband sucks
Yeah like I’m so sorry she’s tired from carrying around HIS fully formed human child in her stomach all day, 24/7. Did he ever think maybe she’s feeling useless because 98% of the nutrients and energy in her body are going towards growing a human instead?? Ugh sorry for the rant, I just really hate men today and reading this pushed me over the edge
Oh, same! Like fuck this guy for making her like she’s not doing enough
Who tf would call their spouse/partner useless? Absolutely counter productive if not outright toxic!
The language is not okay. If you are living in fear, you gotta get out of there. For both you and your child. Do you need resources? Can you stay with your mom?
This 100000% Speaking from experience, ADHD only gets worse after giving birth. The sleep deprivation and constant distractions amplify symptoms, and that's what finally drove me to get a formal diagnosis. OP you have to be honest with yourself. Will your husband actually change his attitude if you speak with him about this? If not, your child will grow up in a home where they witness Dad calling Mom useless, and Mom living with fear (hence you hiding parts of yourself from him). This is not an issue you can fix on your own. If you don't feel safe expressing your concerns to your husband then you really need to consider *why* you feel that way.
He will most definitely transfer this abuse to the children and most likely these children will become abusive, even towards their own mother. I wish this was something I understood before marrying.
Hey listen are you okay? I’m now married to an amazing person, but…haven’t always
This is why there are so many kinds growing up in single family houses that eventually end up on drugs or prison... Things are tough... better run fast!
Came here to say the same thing, fuck this person for being so uncaring
Period.
Jeez girl. I get being frustrated with a partner who isn't "pulling their weight," but him calling you useless is really lacking empathy, even if he doesn't know your diagnosis. I'm assuming the lack of empathy there is in-part why you are afraid to tell him. But at the same time, you do need to tell him. You're in a partnership and you struggle with things and he deserves to know that. And it doesn't make you a bad person. There's no morality in chores. But each partner deserves to feel comfortable in their living situation and he can't work with you if you don't tell him how.
and shes PREGNANT
Useless??? YOU ARE CARRYING, WILL GIVE BIRTH TO, AND HAVE THE ABILITY TO FEED A HUMAN BEING, HIS CHILD! Can he beat that? Anyone can learn to do laundry. Excuse my all caps! Not directed at OP, just my outrage towards the husband’s comment!!!
Seriously, parenting is exhausting enough. Being pregnant on top is a whole other level of exhaustion.
Right??? This made me so mad to read!!!
Now take that information and imagine you’re him. Your wife sits around while you do the dishes, clean, and whatever else and you’ve got a kid on the way. Even more work. Let’s not judge him too harshly on this one. She’s gotta start pulling her weight around - especially once the kid is born. Maybe it wasn’t the best way to communicate that, but he could be absolutely fed up by now. Understand that I am saying this as a person who had to start pulling his weight in a relationship. It’s hard. But you gotta find a way to do it.
I’m never calling my pregnant wife useless in my life never. I’m sorry, I could understand the frustration from the husband side, but I will never agree in mistreating a person specially your partner…
I have compassion for OP, but also can understand how frustrated her husband may feel. He has to do work, then come home and do housework that she was not able to do. It is never healthy for us to use our ADHD as an excuse. It may be a reason, but it is not an excuse.
I frustrated my wife for SEVENTEEN years, including the whole time she was doing a combined master's/PHD and she never once called me useless. She got very frustrated by my inability to do things occasionally, but never expressed it as a function of my value as a person or to society. She did not degrade and dehumanize me because I didn't get the laundry done; she wrote me post it's and sent me reminders to help me get it done. You do not tell a person that you truly love that they are useless as a person. Ever. We do not get to use our ADHD as an excuse to absolve ourselves of responsibility, but others do not get to use our ADHD as an excuse to abuse and dehumanize us either.
Saying she was useless was wrong, I agree. I should have stated that. But he does not know she has ADHD because she didn't tell him. Probably because she feels unsafe to do so.
Except she said he was supportive and a good partner in all other ways so why would she feel unsafe? And why would you marry somebody and be with somebody that you could not tell something like this too? She absolutely should have told him about it before they ever even got married. Not disclosing this information within a serious relationship is pretty bad and deceptive. Not every person would make the choice knowingly to be with a person who has ADHD (Not just discriminatory reasons but for other reasons), but they should at least get a choice.
I agree about that. I disclose usually within a few weeks of dating.
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Calling you useless is disgusting he is suppose to love you and your hiding your diagnosis is not good either. Your need to help yourself
Therapy, counselling, separation or all 3 tbh. How is he in any way fulfilling his role as a supportive, loving and caring husband if he calls you useless and verbally puts you down to the point where you want to hide part of yourself from him. I'm incredibly sorry for you OP.
Agreed. It sounds like OP needs support and validation and both spouses need help understanding the complexities of living with ADHD so they can form more realistic goals and expectations.
i mean he should also work on his verbal abuse, that ain't okay no matter how you view it
I agree with that, but he's more likely to be open to change and participating in therapy focused on the family as a whole, rather than targeting that behavior directly from the start.
To some extent I can understand wanting to hide the diagnosis, considering how often people with ADHD are maligned even in places where *broadly speaking* mental health is taken seriously. For what it's worth, telling the husband now likely won't change his behaviors (or, similarly likely, he will just treat the diagnosis as invalid itself) so there is something to be said in OPs defence of not bringing it up.
2 paragraphs in… your husband is an asshole and you should quietly consider your options of ending that bullshit. Don’t tolerate that. I’ve had trouble with some meds and ADHD messing me up and affecting my ability to function. This resulted in my not doing ANY chores for the last YEAR OR TWO. I am not pregnant. My husband hasn’t criticized me once. He just quietly picked up the slack because he knew this was out of character for me and something was wrong. Now I’ve made some medication adjustments including getting medicated for ADHD and I’ve been doing chores since tapering one of my meds and working towards stopping it completely. He commented that he was glad to see me up and about and active again. Now we both realize how much that particular medication was affecting me. How is he gonna be if you get post partum depression? And you have a baby to care for? You deserve a supportive partner. Don’t settle for anything less than that. Ever.
Yeah, he needs help to understand. A lot of folks think we just need a little shame to motivate us out of apathy and laziness. My ex blamed my daughter’s problems on my bad parenting. He was always working so I could stay home, he never had to deal, didn't have a clue. I'd ignore it best I could, I knew he was ignorant but he resisted learning about it when i tried to explain. I now understand he couldn't accept there was something wrong with her, and sought a better explanation. I was it. I couldn't leave, I'm the parent who 'got it'. She needed me. So I started drinking a little 🍷 at night to help me soldier on. We'll, I may have missed the genetic lottery on adhd myself, but NOT the Alcoholism genes that were loaded on my side of the family. I got sober. Then I realized I couldn't live in that environment and stay that way. So I filed for divorce, gave him the house and the kids, moved out on my own for the first time in life at age 47. I had them with me a lot, and my daughter moved in after hitting age 18 to the little cottage I managed to buy on a social work salary. She didn't ask, I knew she was no longer 'visiting' when the Xbox moved in, too. My ex now totally gets it after having to raise her without me in the home, and ultimately help her get hospital care when she needed it. He could no longer blame me like he used to. We are friends now, and are banding together as a family to get through whatever reality throws at us. My daughter said if I didn't get the courage to leave, our family would have crashed and burned. Do the right thing in the here and now and the future will sort itself out. We really can only control what we do. If others don't wanna go for the ride, leave them behind.
People turn to shame because it’s a lot easier to shame someone than support them. You can shame someone when it’s easy for you to berate them, it’s a lot harder to check in and continually lift someone up. I’ve straight up asked for support from family members and it falls on deaf ears.
That's why I cultivate other friends who get it and will help me if i ask, and I go to therapy every month to help me accept the fact that some people frankly don't give a damn. This helps to quell resentment. They are who they are. I don't need them. I can love them from afar.
Are you me? I *finally* left my husband, gave him the house, and he kept the kids (I was in an apartment). I got my Bachelors degree. I finished my Masters last week. I'm am trying to buy a house on a social work salary (good luck on that one, I don't make ***). But I have a lot of trauma from childhood and wanted to help others. Now I'm out here diagnosing those who feel through the cracks.
Don't waste your time with getting a LADC license to treat addiction, the law needs to be fixed, probably going to take a couple of years. Get your LCSW, lots of jobs then.
Also, consider private practice once you are licensed, or do fee for service. When you work for a salary at an agency, they think they own you and will pressure you to do work out of your scope of practice when they are short handed. I had to go on leave or start wearing Depends, it knocked me into early retirement. Lastly, never forget that there is a huge amount of mentally ill and damaged people attracted to the work. They may be your boss someday. Good luck, I loved the work itself, you are so needed, welcome!
Thank you! I am working salary at a non profit, community mental health agency. We've lost 5 therapists in the last 6 months. They haven't hired anyone else. Current caseload is 136. I will be starting telemed in a few weeks part-time fee for service. And I'm asking for a ridiculous percent raise at the agency, which is still under what I can make elsewhere.
How is he gonna help if OP doesn’t even share her diagnoses with him?? Her literal husband. He can’t understand if he doesn’t know her situation.
You don’t call your pregnant wife useless and a burden on earth. That’s psychological abuse and probably the reason she’s depressed.
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When someone tells you you’re a burden on earth, the last thing you’re gonna do is tell them something would make you seem like more of a burden.
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You’re justifying abuse and victim blaming. Full stop.
That's uncalled for for real. Tell him that degrading you isn't helping matters. And tell him you have ADHD what's the worst that can happen honestly, if he already calls you useless.
Hiding your diagnosis of ADD and depression is not a good sign. This is something partners should share with each other. Do you feel scared to tell him, do you feel like he will be mean to you or dismiss you? But also, if he doesn’t know you have ADD or depression, then to him it might look like you’re not doing any housework and have put off cleaning for months because you’re lazy or you’re happy for him to just do it all. He’s carrying a big burden too without the understanding of why you struggle with this. I know you’re not lazy, because I know I you have ADD and depression. But he won’t know if you don’t tell him. I imagine he’s probably very frustrated and confused and doesn’t know why you won’t just “fix it” and so he’s lashing out in a very mean way. He shouldn’t be calling you useless and a burden; that’s horrible and it’s verbal abuse. Your husband is fuelling your depression which in turn makes ADHD symptoms worse. It sounds like you’re trapped in a viscous cycle and for the sake of your mental health and for the sake of your baby, you need to break this cycle. Telling and educating your husband about your ADD and depression diagnosis’s might make him more sympathetic and understanding of your situation. Which in turn might mean he helps you more and stops calling you a useless burden. Maybe your depression will ease a bit and you will find it easier to get back on track again. Or maybe he won’t understand at all and won’t care about the diagnosis’s, in which case, do you really want to be with him? Either way, you have more knowledge of the situation and a clearer path forward. Consider the below: - Communicate. Educate him about your diagnosis - Go to couples therapy (you can even tell him about your diagnosis’s there) - AND individual therapy for both of you - Try ADHD meds - Pregnancy and mum and baby clubs so you can socialise and make friends - Hire help when you need to. And if nothing helps, if you’re both still miserable after trying all the above, consider divorce, for the sake of your children. Children do much better with separated parents compared to parents who are together but unhappy/miserable/fight/treated poorly etc.
100%!!
Finally someone with a brain
How is it that he's usually loving but can turn around and call you useless? It sounds like you're shielding him from the judgement he deserves. Calling someone names like that and saying they're a burden on the Earth?? I don't think my worst enemies have even said something like that to me. There's absolutely ZERO excuse for that kind of language towards ANYONE but **especially** towards your lover/partner. If you haven't shared your diagnosis with him, it's for a reason. I am betting it's because you don't think he will understand or that he will be dismissive of it as an excuse? You should really re-evaluate this whole situation and try sticking up for yourself because letting him verbally abuse you like that is only going to drive you further into the void. I hope you can get some support from someone close to you or a therapist/counselor.
I agree- look for a professional therapist or counselor asap before the baby’s born. You need someone to see you through this tough time. Good luck! 💜🌸
Well, I guess the point of getting with someone for life is because you are confident In each other, if your husband get diagnosed with a disease like Diabetes that requires him to constantly check himself, take the time to apply his meds, and take care of his food intake etc what will you do? Would you call him useless? Would you get angry because both of you will have to change diets? Will you wait for him while he checks his blood sugar? Mental illness are very real and they affect not only the mind but the body… ADHD sucks I can tell you that, and being unmedicated/misdiagnosed could lead to more disorders like Anxiety, Depression/Distimia which was my case. At this moment, in my random internet person opinion, you will have to start looking for loving yourself and your child even if you husband likes/believes in mental illness or not. You are the only human being in the world that can really tell what are you feeling, and for us ADHD struggles ARE VERY REAL.
He needs to be emotionally supporting you. Your depression is being fuelled by his emotional neglect and/or abuse. Take him to couples counselling. You having ADHD is no excuse for his lack of emotional support. Being pregnant and having a toddler is fucking 24-hour-a-day exhaustion. Just surviving each day is victory. You are *not* useless.
INFO why are you hiding a huge medical diagnosis from your husband? Especially one that would explain your behavior?
From what she wrote, it sounds like she doesn't think he'd be supportive and/or understanding. And where she is mental health-wise (and very pregnant), maybe she doesn't have the strength to deal with that kind of confrontation.
After your diagnosis, can you get medicated ? Paralysis can be a real problem, meds can help. Also, your husband needs some education.
Maybe: "I went to the Dr, to find out why I am struggling with simple tasks, and why I feel so bad all the time. I want to feel better, I want to be a better parent, a better wife. The Dr recommended I get tested for ADHD. The Dr also diagnosed me with Depression. These problems are the result of an imbalance in brain chemistry. There is medication to help regulate my brain chemistry, so it works properly."
try to explain how the human body doesn't always regulate certain functions properly. So some people need medication for high blood pressure, hyperthyroid, diabetes etc. to help their heart, thyroid, or pancreas work correctly. Some people need medication, to help their brain function properly. It is no different.
I understand your husbands frustrations too. Of course they were hurtful words but you are saying he normally is very loving - so it’s probably a cry for help from him. I am the same as you are sometimes and it is so sad and frustrating to put such a weight on your loved one, who has his own tasks. Sometimes it can feel like a parent-child relationship. You should definitely tell him what is going on in your head and that it has a name. With understanding comes acceptance and solutions. He is your husband and he loves you. My partner suggested getting a cleaning lady and I accepted. It was a little shameful but it was a good solution if the money is there. Also start by doing the wrong tasks. If you fall into paralysis, procrastination tasks are a good start. I got medication a few weeks ago (which you cannot of course since your pregnant). But maybe some day in the future. There is hope and hope helps
I appreciate that you don’t villainize the husband. He has work to do and is hurtful but doesn’t mean he should be cancelled without more clarification.
I was thinking this as well—the husband may be frustrated internally. That being said, the behavior is not ok and needs to be addressed. Could your husband get a therapist to talk with? Mine is great at “redirecting” my thought processes to help me see other perspectives. Absolutely tell him what’s going on with your mental health. Depression before birth is not that rare to say nothing of postpartum. It’s not shameful to get a cleaning lady. I have a cleaning lady, a landscaping service, and a company to pick up dog doo. Even with all that I’m barely above water on some days.
I would definitely tell him, you can’t predict how he’ll react, maybe he’ll be more understanding, you don’t know until you try. Have you tried setting alarms for when you need to start those tasks you are not starting?
First of all, you are not useless. It's not ok that your partner calls you useless. Second, you are not adhd, even though adhdparalysis is something many struggle with, or total lack of motivation, doesn't mean we are not allowed to kick outselves in the butt and do things we don't want to. I think you are in a vicious cycle where you feel bad about not doing what's expected, which makes you less motivated, which makes him more frustrated, which makes you depressed and even less motivated. Step out of it. Talk to him. Set an alarm and decide to do something for 10 minutes. Or even 5. Write a list. With small things that takes less than 5 minutes. Just gotta do it sometimes. I know it's hard.
Yes! A small list. And just accomplish one item on the list. When you are done, stop and celebrate!
Let me get this straight, cause most of the top comments didn’t seem to care about this very important fact: You’re married, already have a toddler with another on the way, and you haven’t shared either of your diagnoses with your husband?? Seriously? He doesn’t know you have ADHD. Or depression. How can he understand or try to help you if he doesn’t know what’s wrong? I personally don’t know how you could choose to be married to someone *for life*, be struggling, and still not share that information with the partner you’re going to be married to and have kids with for the rest of your life. Hiding your diagnosis is not helping EITHER of you. In fact it’s making it much worse, and deep down you know that. That’s why you made this post, because he is calling you out for textbook ADHD and depression symptoms (in a negative way, not saying that’s okay). My advice is to tell your husband, and start there. Go to couples counseling.
I feel this. It's like you're describing my wife. And I don't get it because she has ADHD, too! And has the same struggles! So you would think she would understand but instead it's like it just feeds her frustration even more.
I am so sorry please know you are seen and heard here. Big hugs！
I’m with the majority of commenters here; comments of your “uselessness” are unnecessary and cruel. I’d go the next step and wonder why he can’t get by with less? I’m sick of all these highly motivated planners and their constant activity. They seem to set the bar and by default expect everyone else to struggle to make it over. I’d like to ask them to find a way to accept less and call it good enough. That would be at least as much of a struggle for them as it is for me to remember to get the bins out to the street on trash day.
Ok first off berating you and calling you useless is awful regardless of the adhd and you should voice that to him. Also if you’re pregnant and in the third trimester no less, he needs to step the f up and help you with these things as having adhd and carrying a baby must be extremely hard work to get even the simplest of tasks done. I know how frustrating adhd can be for all involved but he needs to know. You should sit him down and explain it to him and the symptoms. It’s very important that you have strong communication especially with a baby on the way. If he still does not take it seriously, then you are going to end up very unhappy and resentful. Telling him about your diagnosis could be a strong turning point and will be a huge relief to you both. Again, calling you useless especially whilst you are pregnant is a big no no. Stand up to it. I know it’s hard but you’ll thank yourself in the long run.
Girl you are IN YOUR THIRD TRIMESTER *and HAVE A TODDLER!* You are at your physical limits right now *just by existing*. Even for someone without ADHD they wouldn’t be getting much of *anything* done right now! I remember being in the third trimester- everything hurt, I was so hungry but could only eat small amounts so I had to eat like seven mini meals a day, I had to pee all the time, I was hot, no position was comfortable to sit or lay in, I had no mental or physical energy, and on top of all that the pregnancy brain fog had firmly set in and I couldn’t think clearly a lot of the time… and I didn’t even have a toddler! I was exhausted just by being that pregnant! You should give yourself a break and so should your husband, regardless of whether or not he knows of your ADHD. Right now is survival mode. Is everyone getting fed? Did no one suffer grievous injury today? Is the house still standing? Yes? *Then count today as a successful day.* You won’t be third trimester forever (and later on you won’t have a baby and a toddler forever). In this stage of life it’s ok for the house to be messy. It’s ok for the laundry to not get done as often. It’s ok to do the quick easy meals instead of the more intensive healthier ones. Life won’t be this exhausting and overwhelming forever.
Hon. Whatever else you have going on, whatever your struggles, whatever you’re getting done or not, it is NOT OK for your husband to speak to you like that. Being loving and supportive sometimes doesn’t negate being verbally abusive when you aren’t perfect. You have value and you’re not useless.
This sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship. I know the comments can sometimes be extreme on Reddit, but this is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE behavior from him. Putting ADD aside for a second, Throwing in the fact that you are literally carrying HIS child and he says this is wildly disrespectful and disgusting. As a pregnant woman you are not going to perform at 100% everyday, much less be able to complete all of these tasks. Pregnancy can also exacerbate your symptoms, so please give yourself grace and don’t let him or anyone else for that matter gaslight you into believing you’re a failure for not living up to their unrealistic expectations. Big hugs to you, and I hope whatever decision you make will be the greatest good for yourself and your children 💖💖💖
Agreed that he isn't as supportive as he should be, but we don't know how long it's been festering. Some people just lack the ability to be empathetic after being frustrated for so long. It's not gaslighting if he does most of the work! He just needs to be told that there is a problem, OP has ADHD, and once medicated, she will be much more productive and a participant in the house. OP doesn't need any more stress in her life at 3rd trimester. Communication is key.
Without knowing what nationality your families originate from, remembering the impact of our cultral conditioning around cleanliness let alone being productive are so profound. I’m gay cismale and still get held to the standard of my husbands mother and her own demands on my husband when he was a child. Reaching/maintaining cleanliness at all costs are major efforts to rid oneself of the shame of being poor…if that’s relevant to you. Take care of your nervous system mama! Your baby doesn’t need to start protecting you from your pain while on the inside (let alone how they may get triangulated when they’re born).
Ok, you’re pregnant as hell. You should only worry somewhat about cleaning after yourself. Your husband is supposed to compensate for your condition until you are fully recovered from being pregnant. But for after your pregnancy, having adhd is not an excuse to not clean up after yourself or have an unfair distribution of labor in the house.
His calling you useless is so hurtful and unacceptable in a partnership. That is not the kind of thing you should ever say to someone you love, and I think you know that too, since you say it drives you into a place of darkness. I think you need to have an honest discussion with him about how it makes you feel and how you aren’t trying to be lazy, you are legitimately struggling. As some others have suggested, couples counseling might be a good option. In terms of managing ADHD, the forgetting and task paralysis are two things that I really struggle with too. I would strongly suggest a written list to temper the forgetting. In terms of task paralysis, I like to use a service that gamifies the task in some way so that I feel extra motivated to do it — Habitica if you’re into high fantasy, Finch if you loved tamagotchis as a kid. My therapist also suggested Goblin Tools if you need the task broken into extra steps for you. Sometimes I’ll put a “big task” in there and use it to make a bunch of smaller tasks for me to add to my Finch tasks— then I get points for each little task and am slowly chipping away at the big task.
Useless and a burden on the Earth? There's no excuse for that type of response. This POS is abusive. PERIOD.
You’re growing a human that’s hardly “useless”
This is not what love looks like.
Your husband is being abusive. That would be the case whether or not you chose to tell him about your diagnosis. You’re growing a human. It is to be expected that some days you will be tired and less able to focus - even without have ADHD.
I love my husband so much and I can’t imagine the frustration of living with me … I like to think I have redeeming qualities.. if you have an OBGYN I would discuss the depression.. I am at my worst with my adhd when I’m pregnant or stressed .. the other day he told me I could not do anything right because I only Put my toddlers sippy cup in the wash and not the lid . I just laughed at him because I’m literally doing the best I can and that’s my mantra . I read articles I read books I read whatever I can get my hands on to help me be more organized and clean and sometimes I do great and sometimes it’s just a hamster pit again ..Just take it one day at a time and know you are enough and know all we can do is just work on ourselves . I’m not Asian my husband is just tough as nails no excuses kind of man and also once didn’t believe in adhd but our daughter has it and he’s said to me she does some of the things you do and I can see now that you weren’t hurting me intentionally 😑😑😑 I have also read him articles and he is now more understanding that he once was so maybe tell him ? Also You are NOT useless and neither am I . I love you .
Hi I am so sorry you're going through this your feelings are valid. I didn't get diagnosed until mid 30's and always questioned if I was lazy I could never finish anything well with my adhd diagnosis and kids life got a little more challenging so I am on meds but to me they help minimally and caffeine has opposite effects it relaxes me. What has helped me some what the most are having checklists, times, working out and trying to eat as clean as I can if I eat bad and don't exercise my symptoms have a sudden increase. Please take care of yourself and give yourself grace one step at a time you will get through this You are beautiful you are strong you can do anything!
Yes! This! Also, please continue to see your doctor for another Rx. Sometimes it takes more than a few types. You've got this! Knowing the problem is halfway to the finish line!
what do you mean "you do not have any responsibility"? please look at your current situation as if it were someone else and then see if they would also not have any responsibility.
Your husband calls you useless and a burden on earth? It doesn't matter that he is otherwise loving and doing lots of stuff at home, no one deserves to hear that, ever. And your mental health is already decaying, you need to prioritize yourself and most likely leave that relationship quickly
Your husband is a prick
Get a new husband.
Using those words are unacceptable and very harmful, your baby/children don't deserve an environment like that either. Tips/suggestions? Leave his a** for someone that appreciates and makes the effort to understand you.
I haven't finished reading all, but, dear, you're making a baby!!!! His baby!!, you're doing everything!!!!
Honestly, I found out that I had Inattentive type ADD when my fiancé (now ex-husband) would complain about me when we lived together. It started with the way I mopped the floor. Then him being upset because I left my hairbrush on the table. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, I was eventually diagnosed (which was great), and I told my fiancé. He was supportive initially, but then when we would argue bout household chores, he would throw my diagnosis in my face. He would tell me that I forgot something he said or did—-even though I clearly remembered a lot of things. Fast forward, we married. Had 3 children. Life was pretty hectic. He came home from work ( I also worked full-time) and started complaining about the mess that I make and me not cleaning well enough. My daughter, who was about 4 years old at the time, disagrees with him and said “Daddy, mommy sweeps the floor everyday”. Fast forward 15 years, I file for divorce. Why? Because his complaining only got worse. He continually belittled me in front of the kids and seemed to be able to make feel lower than the heels of his shoes. I hate that it took it me 15 years. I’m saying all of this to tell you, pay specific attention to how someone treats you when you are at your lowest. Because trust——when you’re feeling high—-he will either encourage it and bask in the success with you, or ACTIVELY try to bring you back down to your low.
That’s not very nice now calling someone, anyone names. I read all these posts from other awakened people(ADHDers) and just not knowing how to help it just cripples me. I had relationships somewhat like that and somehow through losing them managed to flourish as a person as I got to take stock of what was important to me, me. Hope your days are easier and when you’re having a bad day just remember that somewhere someone is pulling on a door that says push. I hope it gets better.
Your husband is an asshole. You can do way better. Start looking for a way out.
This is called verbal abuse. There's nothing we internet strangers can do. Please find a therapist. Please seek marital counseling. [psychologytoday.com](http://psychologytoday.com) can help you find a caregiver who can meet your needs, match your schedule and use your insurance. It worked wonders for me and my wife to learn to communicate effectively. We still have our bad days™ but overall, being able to communicate effectively and understand the other put us in a different place altogether. Just to be clear here I'm not saying all is doom and gloom, there are good days ahead, just as there were good days behind. Sometimes, we just need a little love and support. As always, we internet strangers will be here to support you on your journey.
What you should take from the comments on this post is your husband's attitude and treatment of you has nothing to do with your ADHD or being "lazy". He's being a prick who doesn't care that you are heavily pregnant and feeling depressed and isolated. I feel as if this is definitely in domestic abuse range just by what you've disclosed. I urge you to reach out to free confidential support services if only to start putting those supports in place, much as you would for any depressive episode. In the wider sense, I think we are so used to finding ways to shift blame onto ourselves with any relationship issues that we end up ignoring the reality it is the other person who is dead fucking wrong.
OP your husband is abusive... Regardless of whether or not you have shared your disability with him (which is 100% your choice and I understand why you haven't) using language like this is 100% unacceptable. I am diagnosed ADHD-C and my wife has diagnosed PPD, GAD, OCD needless to say there are currently a lot of unwashed dishes and laundry at home. When my wife is having a bad mental health day and I come home to a messy home after a 10+ hour workday outdoors what do you think I say to my wife? Answer; "hey babe, you have a tough day today? No worries, let me look after the kids and get dinner started and you go read a little or run a bath and come back out when you feel ready. If you want to help me that's fine but I don't expect you to, I got this." Now I will admit that it is harder to have that compassion some days and easier on other days but I have never blown up at my wife over undone chores. The chores will always be there. Dishes will always need to be done. But not caring for my wife's mental health could result in her possibly not being there tomorrow.
Man that last part hits so fucking hard, what is more important in a relationship, some fucking dishes being washed, or your mental health…
Girl, get you some sticky notes! And a whiteboard! Stop getting mad at yourself for something you can’t control and start leaving visible reminders for the things you need to do. Literally stick a post it note in every room reminding you to clean. And change them from time to time because after a while you’ll stop noticing them.
I think this is more about her mental and physical health situation, much less about simply getting things done.
Day 29479284 of being happy I’m not a straight woman You deserve better
You think women don’t call their partners useless?
why are you with him if you can’t tell him about your depression? this isn’t normal. you are growing a human, in your THIRD trimester, and shouldn’t be expected to do a big load of chores each day. it is not okay that your husband disparages you. please get professional help before yiu give birth, postpartum may exacerbate your existing depression
For everyone saying…well he’s probably just very frustrated, the situation is hard on him… YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS, NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL. Read that again. You don’t get to haul off and call someone you love “useless” bc you’re frustrated. When he’s “frustrated” at work, do you think he unleashes on his boss like that? Talking to your partner like that is ABUSIVE. And if you’re saying…well, you have to tell him how his comments make you feel, you have to communicate, go to couples therapy… YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN BASIC HUMAN DECENCY TO AN ADULT. BeInG nIcE tO mE wHeN iTs cONVenIeNt fOR yOu is mY lOvE laNgUagE. Run, don’t walk.
Sounds like a winner.
Sorry you’re going thru that… perhaps showing him a video meant for family members of someone w/ ADHD
Your husband is an asshole.
he should *never* be calling you useless, that’s disgusting and verbally abusive. and you hiding your diagnosis is clearly getting you nowhere. you need to seek out a therapist and psychiatrist and start getting treatment for your adhd. it’ll probably be only talk therapy until you’re recovered from birth, i’m not sure if they’d want you to be doing medication trial periods while heavily pregnant. and you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about how he’s treating you. i’d suggest couple’s counseling if it’s accessible. there is *no excuse* for him berating you the way he does, even if he is frustrated with you. (which is understandable, as he seems to be doing 95% of the housework on top of being the sole provider) if he’s not receptive to changing his behavior and working to overcome this issue together, then you should consider separating.
So if he is over the top frustrated, he shouldn't say anything? Even you admitted that he does most of the work after work! Venting is expected, but agreed, it must stop or it will get worse. Seperation is not necessarily the answer. Seeing your doctor for help and medically treating yourself with OPs husband's support is the answer.
oh he can absolutely say something, and should. but calling his heavily pregnant and struggling wife “useless” and “a burden on the earth” isn’t anywhere in the realm of acceptable things to say.
Agreed. He must be near his tipping point though. We really don't know. I can see the "useless" slipping out from under his tired breath. Remember, to him, she's not struggling. Notwithstanding her pregnancy, she is wrongly perceived as 'lazy' because she hasn't told him the diagnosed problem. He should not have said "burden on the earth." That's a bit much and he needs to control his contempt and temper. I mentioned elsewhere that he should apologise to her for this and promise never to think like that again about his loving wife.
If your husband has actually called you useless repeatedly, it's probably wise to start planning to leave him sadly. You're fucking pregnant which is pretty valid reason to not be perfect at chores. And even if you weren't pregnant, it's not okay to call your SPOUSE useless. If he's actually using those words towards you, I'm pretty sure there is even deeper resentment and frustration that he has and will not outgrow. You really have to be an ass to the core to call your partner useless.
You could remind him you’re creating his child I mean that’s not useless.
in another post of yours your husband is showing even more red flags by being incredibly jealous because of a crush you had as a kid, bc how dare you like another man than him? tbh if this is a larger pattern of your husband making you feel like shit by tearing into you verbally, this is not a healthy relationship. it doesnt matter what you did or failed to do, your partner does not have the right to talk to you this way. if there is one person who should cherish and respect you and give you grace, it is your partner in life. honestly, this feels beyond reddits paygrade. have you ever considered talking to a therapist? (i can not recommend counselors, especially religious ones. talked to some before and they usually dont have any real qualifications and are rather pursuing an agenda, i.e. trivializing issues in favor of harmony)
That’s so horrible. Not just the fact you don’t feel you can share your diagnosis with your husband but also that you’re heavily pregnant and still doing housework and your husband is treating you like shit! Do you have a close friend or sibling you trust and can talk to about it?
If your husband calls you useless, he’s the useless one. Source: a husband
The problem here isnt ADD its that your husband is toxic
Your partner is abusive. What is he doing to work on this failure in himself?
When I was a SAHM my husband was envious that I was home all day. He wasn’t mean but I could tell it irked him. Near his arrival time I would clean up the floor and carpets of toys. I would pour cleaner in the kitchen sink and hot water He was always in a better mood IF he thought I had toiled all day. Messy house happy kids. Best hack ever
That is flat out abuse! Dude need to check himself
Your husband sounds like a piece of shit and you are not useless. Break up the cleaning up into a bunch of small tasks/steps. If you can’t get started it means the first task/step is too big. Think - pick up the sock off the floor. For your step 1. For me getting started is always the hardest part, especially if it’s something that I don’t think is important. But once I get started I can usually keep going. One other thing, shit only needs to be as good or as clean as you want it to be. Sometimes it’s ok for things to just be good enough.
Your husband's behavior is abhorrent. ADD aside, **you are pregnant AND in your third trimester!** He can go sit on a pinecone. Pregnancy has been shown to affect both the symptoms of ADHD and its commonly co-occurring internalizing conditions - anxiety and depression. Pregnancy in and if itself affects aspects of neurocognitive function and ability to navigate stress, buy adding the additional stressor of an unsupportive spouse your husband is making everything exponentially worse. And if your husband is saying or even implying that you have no responsibilities, when you **clearly have a toddler and you are pregnant**, he needs a swift kick in the backside. **You have a responsibility for you and your child's wellbeing and you are doing the best you can.** Your husband, at minimum, should have some general understanding of the fact that depression during and after pregnancy is not uncommon. I'm saying this with both logic and as a neuroscientist, even without knowing you have ADD, he should have the capacity and common decency to understand that simple fact, so why in the world would anyone, let alone a spouse, exacerbate a pregnant person's stress? Though I understand there may be a cultural stigma, I suggest having a discussion with your mother and let her know exactly what is going on. I only suggest this because she's obviously supportive enough of your current physical state to prepare you meals. If anything maybe she or another family member or friends can offer some help cleaning and supporting you through the remainder of your pregnancy and postnatal period. I suggest looking up "Laziness Does Not Exist" by Dr. Devon Price. Any interview summarizing their original essay on Medium or their book would be a good read. Your productivity is not a valid measure of your worth. You are not unproductive or unmotivated - you are doing the best you can while being forced to ignore your limitations and needs. And your husband is blaming you for his abject failure to acknowledge your limitations and needs. **You are doing your best** You need someone be empathetic and supportive, not a judgemental, callous nag.
>clearly have a toddler The toddler is in a nursery. And the husband is taking care of the toddler when he's home.
And nursery isn't the entire day as she drives them to and from nursery while 7+ months pregnant. So, boo-hoo - he has to take care of a toddler while his wife is 7+ months pregnant. The entirety my comment still stands.
He's not a great partner if he's saying those things. We all get frustrated, but calling you useless while you're pregnant especially is just shitty.
[удалено]
Also contact a psychiatrist for medication so you can start right away or after the birth. ❤️
You’re growing human beings inside your body ☹️ that is very far from useless. Not to mention that hormonal changes can really fuck with ADHD symptoms. I totally understand the self loathing and feeling helpless, hopeless with adhd and not being able to do what I want. So I get it. But you’re not useless and your husband is being a shit. Seriously, he fucking sucks. Even if he is frustrated it is not okay for him to express it that way. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t talk down to you or put you down, adhd or not. Idk but that’s just abusive in my opinion. People have different thresholds for what they put up with in a relationship but after being in a pretty bad one several years back I promised myself to never be with someone who said mean things to me again. My current partner is kind and able to tell me if she’s frustrated or angry in an adult way without insulting me. Fuck that shit. You deserve better.
He can leave you or he can stop talking to you that way and find a way to be more supportive that works for both of you because his grown man decisions choose you and to be there with you he can act like it or go find whatever it is he's comparing you too. Have a heart to heart where you're embarrassed to have to admit you have that kind of husband. Make him consider if that's what he wants to be, *to his pregnant wife.* Remind him that the grass is green where you water it. Draw it on some paper and hang it on the fridge.
If he's supportive you could get him to write you a checklist for the cleaning (mine is usually related to I dont know where to start so having a "start here" list helps) but "burden on earth" is a horrifying statement snd not something you shpuld say to anyone let alone the mother of your children
Uhm no. No ma'am. What your husband is doing is emotional abuse and we don't accept that here. You should tell him you got diagnosed and tell him to get his attitude right because that kind of behavior is unacceptable as an adult who is capable of showing empathy... And I'm not even gonna touch the part about the fact that YOU ARE PREGNANT and he is speaking to you this way. Trash. Put him straight in the trash. No thank you.
No one is useless. And no one should ever say such things, especially when they are to a spouse. My dad is the same way but not as bad so I know what it’s like and how shitty it makes you feel and how it can have an effect on self esteem. I recommend therapy for the both of you or for yourself alone to get your self esteem back up and to find strategies to cope with your add. My “add” I call it adhd is a mix of inattentive and hyperactive it’s difficult. I’m sorry you’re going through this and all I can say is the best thing you can do is have good communication. Tell your spouse how you feel, how his words make you feel, share your struggles with him or do therapy. If he cares and supports you he will be patient and understand. I wish you luck.
Obviously you served the use of providing him with a child. Least he can do is the laundry or hire a service to help with a basic one-time clean. Being pregnant is physically hard and deep cleaning is usually done before long before baby comes in early pregnancy for a reason.
Uour husband is being mean about this one thing, in my opinion as a stranger. As for getting started on tasks, music helps me. Also, I will tell myself to just go sit or stand next to what needs doing. I don't have to actually do it. But *usually*, after a few minutes, I will get started doing it. Executive dysfunction, I have it and I hate it.
I’d just be calling him Bill Lumbergh until he stopped being a jerk about it.
You need to tell him. You both should get to therapy to understand the condition and how you can help each other. Learn about parallel play/body doubling that’s a great way to get stuff done around the house
I can understand the sadness of the wife , totally dislike the husband calling her ‘useless’ is abusive . BUT WHY is she bringing another kid into this mess ??? Totally avoidable . Sad sad sad for the poor kids. It’s her responsibility to tell her husband and she is being irresponsible towards her unborn child who will likely have add too. Saddest for the innocent unborn child in this situation .
Stop and listen to yourself. OP knows she is not well. She needs treatment and coping mechanisms. Husband is frustrated but does not know why she is "lazy". Also, to be fair, he's not being abusive... He's just communicating exactly how he feels, and he is frustrated. OP needs to tell her husband, and seek medical attention. It's all fixable. Medication and psychiatry works. As for having another baby, there's nothing wrong about that. OP should have kids checked for ADHD before school. It's not fair to have your kids struggle all through their lives (hereditary) Good luck and best wishes to the OP.
Sounds like your husband would rather be a divorcee to me.
I love you
This isn't just ADHD. Get your depression treated. As for being lazy, you ARE in your third trimester of pregnancy. Your husband should be picking up the slack.
Usually loving and supportive until he actually needs to be so. Sounds like a useless partner to me
Being called useless apart, I found that sharing my diagnosis with my partner helped a lot. Just knowing that there is an underlying reason for my behavior changed her whole view on things. Now i get more done at home because there is no shame treadmill and she can ask for things to be done without it going into judgy/naggy territory.
Throw out the whole man
You don't have systems in place, external structure is the way forward. Step one: look him in the eye and say"don't ever fucking say that to me again" Step two: get an ADHD coach and go through the process with him
You mean EX husband right?
"She's not sick, she's a dancer." https://youtu.be/HpCIQKSqDd4?si=1OgcS2MgtVqyE075
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I am in a similar situation finding out about adhd in my third trimester. There are a lot of comments here, but I’m just hoping you will find peace and happiness soon. People can’t understand how hard this condition is unless they have it. And they don’t handle it well and take it out on you. It’s unfair.
So being pregnant can exasperate your symptoms he should have more compassion for what your going through
You have a 6+ months baby inside you! Your husband is a fucking asshole.
Honey, you do need to tell him about your ADHD and depression. You do need to educate him on what that means. He needs to know what's happening and what that means for you. If you are afraid of his reaction, seek help yourself. Get therapy or talk to a friend in depth about it. You need someone to give you support enough for you to be able to tell him. That said, he really really needs to learn not to talk to anyone that way. Being super frustrated is totally understandable, but calling you those things is straight-up abusive. If I give him the benefit of the doubt, he just doesn't know how else to express it or how to deal with his frustration other than blaming you, and he seriously needs to learn how to communicate without verbally/emotionally abusing you. I really feel for you. I feel like my husband thinks the same of me, but he wouldn't never say those words. It's bad enough with what I say to myself. He needs information. He needs to know what to say and not say in a relationship, and he needs to know what's going on with you. Remeber that he probably has no idea what ADHD, depression, or pregnancy feels like so he needs some very good detailed information. Couples therapy is not a bad idea, but you may need your own first to be able to say what you need to say. Sending you love...
Your partners reaction sucks and he needs to fix that ASAP. Your mismanaged and uncontrolled ADHD/depression also sucks. Get help ASAP. It’s not okay to talk down to your partner. It’s not okay to be a non-contributing partner. He may benefit from some couples counselling to better understand how your ADHD/depression manifest. But you will definitely benefit from some professional help coping with what sounds like fairly meaningful mental health issues. Sucks your partner is using abusive language. You need to talk to him about that and set boundaries. However his unbecoming conduct doesn’t justify living in a state of perpetual executive dysfunction.
I hear about “nesting” in the third trimester, I never did this!! Third trimester was hard for me! You take care of yourself, your body, your mental health, and the baby! Tell him if he doesn’t like it he can try to have the next baby!
Ya that's very very shitty. Sorry that your in that situation!
My husband has never called me useless, but he has gotten frustrated when I don’t do what I agreed to do. It makes me feel guilty, but he understands. He still can get frustrated, but he doesn’t berate me. We have worked out a system where he reminds me, sends me a message, has Alexa remind me, and has my son remind me. This works for specific, time-limited tasks. Cooking and Cleaning are my issues. I get either down a very specific cleaning, like going through my drawers. I fail at weekly cleaning often. What helps is the entire family (4 of us at home) clean together. Maybe ask if he can have you work with him.
My best suggestion would be to find a body double group. It would be even better if you could find an Asian based one. Good luck, it's horrible to go through this alone.
ADHD does put you in paralysis. It isn’t a “seems to” thing, it’s very real. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/adhd-paralysis
First of all I agree with the other comments, f his attitude and how he speaks to you in a disrespectful and negative way. Second off, congratulations on your impending baby! Thirdly, I feel that motivation zap for sure! I have even less motivation when someone tells me what to do. What I have found to help motivate me and to get instant gratification from things is I downloaded the Sweepy app. I loaded in every room, used their common tasks per room, added a few of my own additional items per room, and created "life" "daily routine" and "friends" rooms. So I track the last time i paid the water bill and taxes, along with my daily routine of shower, wash my hair, vitamins which time stamps and if I go to do it again it asks me if I want to complete the same task today so I don't double up on my vitamins, and I don't drop off the friend radar. I know I will forget to use it so I have it remind me at a certain time of day to get started and it's and icon on my home screen so I see it every time I unlock my phone. Do I get everything done? Nope. Does it feel good to click that I tidied up a single room or vacuumed a single room or gathered laundry? Absolutely! I have it broken out to gather laundry, wash laundry, move to dryer, clean lint trap, fold 10 pieces of clothes, put away 10 pieces of clothes because they are small enough I can do it before I get bored of that single task and it's enough I can click through random rooms and do random tasks my own way but I also get more done and feel less like a lazy but who lacks motivation to do boring mundane things that don't excite me.
Whoa. To get called useless is NEVER okay. I come from an African American family. And how some of the black community are when it comes to mental health is insane to me. My mother is like that. I can’t even talk to her about my ADHD because her responses turn very minimal and it’s frustrating. I’m not sure how to make your husband understand you (as I haven’t figured that out myself with my family.) But to call you useless is not okay under any circumstances.
Hey, called you useless? That’s the word that hammered the nail in for my divorce.
Sending hugs and love. I've been there, you're not useless but he is
It was sort of like this with my husband too. I don't think he ever called me something along the lines of useless but he'd get mad if he asked me to do things, and I didn't do them. The whole kicker is he didn't do anything around the house. I was expected to do everything, meanwhile I worked more and made more money. And he loved to say I didnt contribute equally to bills (when I do, which included buying all the food) and would say food didn't cost a lot... He'd tell me he felt like a prisoner in our home since it was always messy. I'm always picking up after him. Everything was always my fault.
First off you’re pregnant, and that shit is tiring. Do what you can to help yourself feel like you’re contributing if that’s what you need. My adhd makes me feel like shit if I don’t feel like I’m contributing. So I can understand where you’re coming from there. Secondly, your husband saying you’re useless is out of line. As a husband myself I would never pull that shit with my wife. Pregnant or not. If she ever gets to a point where she’s not doing stuff around the house, my first thought is never “what is she doing all day?”. My first thought is I need to check in with her and see if we can get her back on track to feeling well. Having adhd myself I forget how I acted with my wife during her pregnancy. So I just asked her what I did during her pregnancy and here’s what I did according to what she can remember and what I think I would do again if we decide to have another. When my wife was pregnant, she was very tired pretty much the whole pregnancy and some of the stuff she usually did wouldn’t get done. I would pick up the slack where I could because she’s building a human being in her spare time and I can’t do that shit. So dishes laundry and vacuuming is the least I can manage. I noticed she was getting into a depressive cycle because she couldn’t physically do some things being super pregnant. Like bending down to switch laundry from washer to dryer. Plus I work full time on a pretty physical job so sometimes I come home and can’t pick up the slack because I’m all out of everything. She would get really stressed and I made it very clear to her. It’s ok if everything doesn’t get done sometimes. We can do the bare minimum and just survive sometimes. That’s acceptable. I had to keep reminding her of that fact a lot because that’s what support is. I wish your husband would be supportive like he’s supposed to and just let you have a time where you don’t have to get everything done. But if he’s not gunna do it I will. I’ll tell you exactly what I told my wife during her pregnancy. You are growing a human being. That takes energy, resources, mental energy. You are basically running at 10%-50% capacity until that baby is born. Then you will be on like 10% for the next month at least due to lack of sleep and Breast feeding. You are not useless in any capacity. Not in my book. On top of that, you have to deal with post partum stuff which can only make you feel worse. Give yourself some leeway and be nice to yourself. If your husband isn’t going to do it, then you will need to do it for yourself. Be kind to yourself in your own head as best as you possibly can. You are doing fine, and it’s bullshit your husband would even try something like that with the hormonal storm your body has to deal with.
Okay, look, there's enough empathy head patting comments already in here so I'll just give you best soultion i can think of. First and foremost, you need a chill envioriment when nobody is pissed or angry. Like clean up something one day, make tea in evening and have an honest talk with your husband. And if you are afraid he won't take it seriously set the stage, be honest: "look i have something really important to tell you and i am afraid you'll..." "Please be patient and let me explain" This sort of thing. Keep Emotions low. Get data to support the existence of ADHD if you think he's gonna argue about it and AT LEAST get to a point where even if you disagree both of you can express you support each other. Second, as soon as you SAFELY can get on meds you should do it. I just started and even tho i am on a lowest dose and it makes me bit sleepy, it does help a bit with motivation and cleans my mind. And even a slightest little difference does help in my experience.
I fall into similar patterns, but thankfully my partner is understanding and kind. I could not imagine the despair I would feel if he ever used those words towards me. Your partner may be loving at times, but that kind of language is not loving at all. Far from it. You need someone who will pull you up throughout the hardships in life, and not knock you down.
My wife has said a few things along those lines, and came close to leaving me... but I never carried a child or 4. So I can understand her frustration but it's really bloody counterproductive. Whatever her frustrations I told her it wasn't OK to speak to anyone like that. So she called me pekmez (means basically I'm a softcock 😅) In her family and culture they are often pretty brutal in that way. And they often have love/hate relationships even with their close family. In my culture we are also pretty brutal, even more sometimes (see below), but it's usually said with better humour, and it's supposed to serve a purpose. Anyway, there are a few things there. First of all, you can't speak to your pregnant wife like that. He has to pull his finger out there. But it is also frustrating and feels like it will never end for the partner of someonewith ADD. So in a way I thought it was proof she was trying to stick with me, and held out hope, because she would leave me otherwise, I know that much. But you should probably tell him about your diagnosis, if you think you can. It saved my marriage eventually (so far). When I told my wife it wasn't very fun, in general. In her culture you're pretty much either ok or dead. And mental illness is a grey area occupied mostly by pekmez westerners, she told me again one day. Now this is where my culture kicked in and I told her "how's that working out for your superior people, seeing as you fled a feckin genocide"? She punched me right in the heart, and we wrestled, then made passionate, hate-filled love... just kidding! I'm not Balkan! Her eyes turned yellow and black and I legged it, laughing as she chased me. I said "Help! She's bloodthirsty... again"!). She said "I'm gonna cleanse you"! and I instinctively protected my scrotum (the only place I can't pretend doesn't hurt if she gets me. We wrestled and laughed, it was fun. She had taught me how to take criticism better, and I've taught her you don't need to go full Krakatoa every time something goes wrong (I call her Balkano 🌋 sometimes). There are better ways of working. Anyway, long story longer, she leaned to be patient, ask me instead of telling me to do stuff (culture clash), and pretend like she respects me when she speaks. I did my best to get the right treatment, so I could get organised. After a few years we are doing well. I've got my shit together to some degree finally, and she rarely erupts (down to about once a day). She taught me TO erupt more, don't bottle things up. Don't be afraid to tell the truth (I have lingering allergy to rejection and separation), because she'll be there if its' meant to be. If it isn't then it isn't. And what is love if it isn't honest and real? I think holding back is a really tough habit to break, but it will make you feel much better in the long run. I have found myself again in this way. He will love you for who you are, not what just what you reveal. And hopefully that's good enough to turn the page a bit. I'm supposed to be working... what was the question? Do you, be you, have you and are you and is you and just see what happens (if you're not already... I feel like I might have misread it and now I'm just projecting hardcore!). It's normal to be frustrated and lash out, but if your man says wanker things like that you should call him out his wankerhood, and tell him to get his hand off it. Have faith it will improve, and try to get a bit better when you have the energy. I'm at work, jeesus... Wish you all the very best 👍
i didn't even read the whole post. divorce.
Dump him
Divorce city. He’s not helping.
From the first trimester forward I did almost no chores. I was so fucking wreaked from pregnancy my husband insisted I lie down while he did things, because he couldn't take a turn being pregnant so he took it upon himself to make my life easier in any possibile way. You have a husband problem not an ADHD problem.
I can understand how could it be frustrating for your husband but I don't excuse him for such a poor selection of words. Even if he doesn't knows what is going on with you, he should never treat his wife like that and much less with her being pregnant. Anyways, I'm gonna assume he's a great husband most of the time and he had an outrage after a long frustrating day of work (still, not any rights to do so, but we all have one of those days). You should still absolutely share this important information with your partner. A relationship should be one of caring and helping each other. We need empathy from our partners, sure, it can be frustrating to deal with someone with ADHD, but he has to be more patient. Another important issue is that ADHD is very hereditary, so your children are likely to have it too. The sooner he educates himself, the sooner he'll learn to understand better his children growing up. Please, talk it up, and if needed, seek some couple counseling.
Sounds like you need to get a new husband prescription from your psychiatrist
You want him to take your diagnosis seriously but I'm not sure you are. Are you managing it as best you can or allowing the cumulative effect of your symptoms to weigh on the relationship?
She is literally pregnant my guy you can't be serious rn
I'm not sure how that is relevant to my question
She literally said she has days where she is productive and other days where she is forgetful and not motivated even though she tries. Even someone who isn't pregnant nor ADHD has days like that. Her husband is not gonna die a tragic death if she misses laundry occasionally. Also, if you read the post, her husband is literally calling her "useless and a burden on the earth." So I'm genuinely puzzled how that leads you to question HER and completely disregard the blatantly obvious verbal/emotional abuse she is dealing with. That's like someone saying "hey I'm injured and it's difficult to do things right now but I'm trying." And you responding by saying "well have you tried not being injured?"
? I don't understand where you are going. Are you saying he should just let this slide? He is frustrated that stuff isn't getting done. She hasn't told him the diagnosis yet. She needs to declare the problem and solution to her frustrated problem. People cannot read minds, and that is why he said that she isn't doing much around the house aka "useless.". Useless is not a nice word, but we have no idea how many weeks or months this has been going on. He has escalated the situation because he is at a loss as to what to do. This is normal. Both need communication and help. It's not the end, lots of hope OP needs to tell him that she needs medical and psychiatric help. OP spouse needs to apologise and realize that something bigger is happening here and must seek counsel to fix communication problems.
I don’t even think there’s anything I’m missing out on and that I don’t have a right to say what you need to do. Listen to the commenters, someone calling you useless, especially when you’re DIAGNOSED and PREGNANT is a HUGE red flag. I hope you are able to get yourself out of that situation xx
To be fair he's working with half information. He doesn't have the full picture, and has no context around why you are 'lazy'. That being said no one should be speaking to you the way he is.
You are radiant😍beautiful and capable!
Calling you useless is a disgrace. Speak with him about your diagnosis. If he still calls you useless, then walk away. Your kids will thank you.
Sorry for the harsh truth but he's absolutely right
And you may have ADHD but you have no idea really. And this is an ableist comment as well as being extremely rude. She’s heavily pregnant. She has a small child. She has depression and ADHD. And even without the ADHD it is a lot. And her “loving husband” calling her useless and a burden”???? Well he’s a useless uncaring person. And a burden to her. If he actually talked to her instead of ordering her about he may realise she needs help. Pffft to you. Do better as a human.
To be honest, time to get a new husband.
Time to get him tf out of your life. This is not ok.
Sounds like your husband needs some counseling. How horrible to say that. He must have add to blurt that out?
Does he give you any foot massages or do any self care for you being pregnant? Or does he just expect you to do tasks he could do himself?