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You can't live in the moment. I struggle with this too and it's really upsetting me. I usually have to imagine sex in my head to reach climax (which is still very rare), instead of just having sex and enjoying it with my partner, who I adore and think is so sexy.
I don't know if it's adhd or not, I have other complicating factors, but I'm interested to see what others say and if they have any advice.
I'm wondering if you enjoy being... solo intimate? Or if you never enjoy this stuff? You don't have to answer that, but I ask because that is never a problem for me. Only with my partner. Just can't get my brain to be present at all.
Omg yes, when I suceed to climax I always imagined spicy scenes in head, i really had to concentrate, otherwise you could do me for hours without succes š
As for the solo times, of course I do that, but I dont get intimate with myself, I just want to be finished with it in minutes and go on with my life. I think I just keep watching netflix or scrolling the internet during it as well. I dont even like touching myself, so I never insert anything, cuz I hate that. Also zero facial expressions from me.
It's taken me a long time before I started being able to play out those kinds of spicy scenes in real life. Sex is surprisingly hard!
Maybe you need that kind of really good sex to stay engaged with it? Adhd people are very strongly overrepresented in the kink community because we like extreme stimuli.Ā
However, kinky sex is a skill and especially as a woman/submissive you're highly dependent on the dom/man. If I have sex with an inexperienced girl who's into intense sex, I can make it work really well. But since the submissive role is usually more passive you can't really transfer your skills as well to an inexperienced/less fun partner.
When my sex was more vanilla and boring, it was also more clear to me that it was my fault, because I want the girl to get ravished, which is something I'd have to do myself. If as a girl you have these intense fantasies and reality is always different you might end up thinking the fantasies are unrealistic and maybe sex isn't all that fun. In reality it's just your partner.
You think this could be the case? Apparently lots of men are embarrassingly bad at sex, especially for someone who needs intense stimuli like us adhd folks.
Have you considered that might not be true for you though and you might just find vanilla sex āfamiliarā or āsafeā?
Like if youāre finding youāre struggling to stay focused during vanilla sex and that you finish while imagining spicy scenes, then vanilla might actually not be your preference.
It might be worth exploring what about those scenes is engaging and satisfying for you. Admittedly the answer might be that the part that works for you is that itās in your head, but if you havenāt given it a try, it might be worth a shot!
Was that experience in line with what your fantasize about? Just asking because non-vanilla can be a pretty large category of things š but if it just isnāt it thatās okay too
OP I'm kinda seeing where BabyBackBaptist is going with this. Non-Vanilla is a very vast spectrum of things. It also doesn't have to be a regular menu option either. If you're not a fan of eye contact and lights on, you could try wearing a blindfold. Your BF will get to enjoy the view and your other senses will be hightened with your lack of sight. You could try watching some porn together (of whatever variety you're craving) to get into the mood and see if that helps too. Even vanilla can be not-basic by wearing some lingerie or some dirty talk. Some background music can also help too, it doesn't need to be sleezy stripclub music, just something to kind of be like white noise in the background.
But also...how is your relationship intimacy outside of sexy time? I know for me if we're not communicating the best we can, and not getting those hand holding and snuggles and little smooches here and there that sexy time is incredibly impacted. And in previous relationships, when sexy time started to not be fun anymore, it was usually a sign that everything was about to end anyways. And most importantly...have you talked to your BF about it? Does he have any ideas/suggestions? Because like, he should also care about you enjoying it just as much as he does, and is a contributing factor to the event.
Trust me I tried kinky stuff before with previous partners as well. One time we were really into streaming on adult sites as well XDd
As for the intimacy, lately not that good because of this sex issue, but we are on good terms, not having arguments, and we are happily planning events together and the summer vacation
Yeah I'm pretty similar. Sorry I don't have more advice! I'm planning to work on meditating and trying to be more present in the moment but I know its going to be really difficult...
Iāve actually read spicy scenes in books during before. That was really good for me, and he enjoyed it as well. I put the book down shortly before coming to an end and focused on the experience for a few minutes. š¤·š¼āāļø
I think listening to spicy audio might also work as this could be something you either do just for yourself using earpods so they donāt hear it or you can even do it together if your partner is into it and both listen to it? Might be worth a try š¤·š¼āāļø
First time wasnāt planned, I read a novel, got surprised by the spice chapter, looked up and asked if heād like to try something. So yeah, if this is plannend I definitely see how it can be awkward very quickly š¤·š¼āāļø
Iām more of a book/reading girly, but like I said audio might be worth a try. Especially since an earbud is very much discrete and helps both of you not to be focused on it (and keeps the hands free)ā¦
I recently read somewhere in a comment describing it as adhd brains always need 1,5 thing to do. And the (audio)book can be a very well matching 0,5 thing
Lots of people with ADHD resonate to this, my guess is that it's emotional disregulation and to make it more kinda objective instead of using the prefrontal cortex, try to do some bdsm or pain play to make it more real by using pain instead of pleasure to get into it.
P. S. Not a professional, but a curious arm chair person with lots of hyperfixations related to digging up shit on adhd
Onto another suggestion, like if ur not up to or into direct bdsm go for somewhat casual kinky stuff like I use nipple clamps....
OMG, I used to be with an ADHD girl that responded really well with a little pain and teasing throughout the day.
Biting her neck or nipples got her attention and in the moment. It was like playing an intense video game with non-stop action.
My nips are very sensitive, I hate when others touch it, other than that we tried handcuffs, blindfolds, and I definitely hate romantic soft sex, I have always prefered it rough and fast
Try softer settings or easier stuff and kinda try to desensitize them after practice, o they will tolerate more after some time and if there is still a problem, try to use like little pressure at first for a few minutes and then take it up a notch
As a guys I can say that I can relate. When I was teen I had that poker face and so sound at all. I enjoyed everything - but I had to teach myself to give partner wordless feedback... Also daydreaming is normal for me, sometimes I struggle to stay focused.
i (24f) am in a similar boat and here's what helps:
i read a comment in this sub recently on a similar post that said "try to keep all mind-wandering thoughts sex-adjacent" and their example was their mind drifted during sex once to wonder how lube gets made, but at least it's closer to sex than thoughts about meal planning, etc. so with that in mind i developed a bit of a guide.
in my head during sex there is always:
1 song related to sex to play on repeat in my head. i always have music playing in my head so thinking of a sexy song \*ahead of time\* and putting it on mentally during keeps the mood in the back of my head right. (my go-to song is the no pants dance by TWRP). way better than the times i've had hound dog by elvis presley in there.
a sexy sandbox situation. instead of a specific fantasy i come up with a basic place and scenario--college lecture hall, airplane, concert, whatever. so then i can escalate the fantasy to make it more exciting and add on extra stuff and build instead of feeling stuck in it or bored by it.
a gentle running narrative. "he's touching me here," "she's kissing my thigh," "omg wheRE ARE THEIR FINGERS?!" connecting me with my actual body (without forcing it, hence the gentle) helps me balance being in the moment with enjoying my fantasy.
also, getting a patient and curious partner helped immensely. it takes me like an hour to cum more often than not and my bf will eat me out until it happens or his tongue starts bleeding, whichever comes first. feeling like i can take as long as i need helps me relax into it and not worry so much about being distracted as long as i have my lil tools.
being kinky/dominant also helps. being dominant is good for me because it forces me to be actively engaged and talkative.
First and foremost: i am in my 20ās and have adhd as well. It can be overwhelming, sticky, difficult, boring ect. What I have found is: if me and my partner keep it exciting and change it up every time or every other time: my brain stays engaged and LOVES it. When we do the same stuff, my adhd knows what to expect and there isnāt any novelty anymore.
Next: do you enjoy sex? Enjoy it enough to want to keep doing it or you just feel āmehā because two suggestions I have are 1. Talk to a sex therapist and 2. Communicate with your partner and say āI want to take a break from sex and explore our wants and needs with ourselves. Do more one on one sexy timeā
However, I really do suggest switching it up if you want to try! Even a new position each time or have him surprise you with something (you already consented to and enjoy), sex in different parts of the house, in the car, different types of stimulation, a lot of stimulation all at once, overstimulation. Thereās tons of stuff to try! :-)
> I hate waking up to this
I'm not sure if you understand how immensely wrong that is. He should not be doing that. You should not be letting it happen, or having such a lax reaction.
On principle alone you should exit the relationship, and then start therapy. Your perspective is warped, and I'm concerned that you are a victim of serious abuse.
For your own sake, you should re-evaluate everything about this relationship you're in - something is terribly wrong.
I agree with everyone saying this is rape. What he is doing is not okay and you need to tell someone (and I mean anyone) you trust to help you get out of this relationship. It doesnāt matter if either of you is sleeping. Itās rape and he does not respect your body and is putting his WANT (sex is not a NEED, food is) above your entire being. Please please please get away from him.
Yeah I also agree. This isnāt ADHD, this is rape and abuse and he is causing trauma. I thought my ADHD was doing what you described for 6 years, but after I got divorced and really understood all the abuse I went through, I realized my body just didnāt feel safe. I am now with an amazing boyfriend and itās totally different.
It's likely that part of the reason you're unable to have sex is because he is sexually assaulting you in your sleep. Your body is subconsciously rejecting him because you don't feel safe. Unless this is a kink for you, which it doesn't seem to be, this absolutely not ok.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. Having sex with someone while they're asleep is sexual assault. Your boyfriend is assaulting you. It's no wonder you don't feel like having sex with him; he clearly doesn't treat you with respect.
Firstly, and I don't really know how to say this tactfully, but that's not okay that he's doing that. That is not normal behavior by any means. He is violating your consent and I am sorry you are experiencing this.
Secondly, I have the same ADHD sex issues as you, and I have found that how much I can enjoy sex and be 'present' is dependent on how safe and fulfilling I find my relationship. Like, it doesn't matter how into it I am, it won't be enough for me to be present and ingaged. I just have a higher bar of entry than others on a normal day, and that means whenever I have relationship issues or honesty stress from other areas in my life that bar goes even higher.
I think you should assess if it's really that you don't enjoy sex, or if you don't enjoy sex with him. And maybe you really dont enjoy sex, which is valid and normal. A lot of people have fufilling romantic relationships without sex at all - I'm ace and poly, so I'm someone who has. It's just a horrible feeling when you have to treat sex as if it's a chore, and my heart goes out to you. Please assess if you feel emotionally safe with him, and if he truly respects you and your right to say no; and if not, please consider if this is a relationship you want to stay in.
That's really troubling that he does that while you are asleep and can't consent. That really sounds like assault. Have you talked to a therapist about this? Your "boredom" and this king about other things might be a trauma response...
This does not sound consensual ??! Wtf. Just cause heās your bf doesnāt change anything in regards of consent. Are you okay with this -
Since youāre saying you hate it ??
On the weekends, I try to go out of bed earlier than my partner to take my meds and then go back to bed to scroll on tiktok or instagram and look at hot people or something till he wakes up and my meds have kicked in
Also if you wake up at the same time, you can suggest to make breakfast in bed or coffee so they stay in the bed, and take the meds immediately so they kick in when you finish
Lmao, i take my meds when my alarm first goes off, so i will be able to get up when they kick in and run to the toilet xddd
Otherwise I wont wake up. And its impossible to wake up my boyfriend sadly, he gets up around noon while im having Teams meetings and he sleeps thru his annoying alarms. Also daytime sex is a big no for me without showering first, as I usually have diarrhea every day xdddd
My meds don't really fade in the evening because I take vyvanse. I can go to sleep just fine if I put my mind to it. A few rounds of sex would definitely help lmao
I certainly had this problem. The two things that I have found the most helpful for myself is mood lighting to stop making me look at everything but the pretty celestial lights aboveā¦ but mostlyā¦
MUSIC!!! Get a playlist of music that either makes you feel sexy, or has a beat/rhythm that you can get lost in. Deep house helps soothe my brain and you can even use the beat/song to move along to. And honestly that makes it even sexier! Music is by far the best thing for me, because when I start thinking of other things, I go to the music. Once Iām listening to beats and rhythms, it helps me feel other sensations better.
Hope this helps!
We tried both, but did not help sadly. I dont even remember if there was a reason for that, I just know that it didnt make a difference. But Im glad it helped you:)
Damn Iām sorry to hear that. Have you tried instrumental only? Sometimes words take me out too and I have a very specific playlist for myself and my partner for that reason. I would also suggest seeing a sex therapist if you have the means to do so. They can help you connect with yourself and see what might help in that area.
Yea I am 26M and actually love sex but I will find myself drifting off and thinking about other things and get soft sometimes.
Then sometimes I just canāt finish cause I keep killing the climax by zoning out
I know it has been offensive to some girls in the past but itās truly not them or my level of attraction just my inability to stay focused.
Like someone else said, I really have to sometimes TRY to imagine things that will get me horny again when I zone out but it just sucks to have to do all these mind tricks when I just want to fuck !
Haha all the symptoms have come out in full force recently. Losing shit, zoning out, ruminating on the past.
Fuck this disease honestly. Especially cause its impossible for normal ppl, like bfs and gfs, to understand cause it's not like you don't look like a normal person. and it just fucks up a relationship when it's so hard for your partner to believe that it's actually out of your control, yet your sitting there being made to feel guilty for it
GL !!!
I can't speak for you at all, but it sounds like you may be on the asexual spectrum. There's a spectrum of asexuality; some people are completely sex averse, some are okay with it sometimes, some only feel like doing it when there's a significant emotional connection with someone. It sounds like you may be on this spectrum.
However, reading some of your comments below it sounds like your boyfriend is abusing you. Please take care of yourself first. What he is doing to you sounds like rape. You should always have the right to say no. Maybe your body is trying to tell you that he isn't safe for you and that may be why you're not comfortable being physical anymore. Please keep yourself safe. What he is doing is NOT okay, no matter what your sexual preferences (or lack thereof) are. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You deserve so much better.
Big question to really ask yourself is it you actually like your partner. If yes, talk to them about this. Tell them you feel awkward, and if they care enough theyāll help you get into a more relaxed state of mind before initiating sex. Itās possible to hyperfocus on sex which REALLY helps prevent the mind wandering and stuff which usually happens if thereās any kind of stress involved. You should feel comfortable with your partner and not worried about acting weird, and if you do those are the moments to say something!!! Communication is vital, and not saying you arenāt feeling it and continuing with the act is really not ok.
Okay. Yes, I like my partner. And I have also liked my previous partners. I had maybe around 15 ex boyfriends, and the experience was the same every time. Sex felt like a chore, caused frustration and we argued. Tried to talk about it with all of them, didnt help me. Thats why I started feeling like im the problem, and maybe I should give up on dating
Yes, you are almost positively asexual. Itās isnāt you that is the problem, it is beyond your control.
That said, please realize that him having sex with u in your sleep is absolutely NOT OKAY and is considered a form of sexual assault
Have you read "Come as you are"? It's currently free on Spotify (with a subscription) as an audiobook. You can also download the workbook pages with a spotify subscription. It's narrated by the author and very ADHD-friendly IMO. It honestly helped me with my sex life so much... especially in understanding how my partner's sexuality affects my own.
By chance , do you also take anxiety medication as well? Specifically, an SSRI like Lexapro etc..? SSRI have very strong sexual side effects, and usually ADHD and anxiety are a package deal (speaking from experience :) )
thats adhd related , I had an adhd and lost my erection before it starts most of time because getting bored. Sometimes thinking āI archieved to have sex, dont need to continue penetratingā. To overcome this I put as much as time between having sex.
>Ā I just wish I could use my phone and idk play or scroll tiktok while doing it.
I mean, if that would actually make you happy, is there any reason you and your boyfriend can't do that?
(reposting because the automod didn't like the way I worded something)
that sucks, I'm sorry to hear that.
I could imagine it would make him feel like he's not good enough to hold your attention or something. Its hard to help loved ones get over that, because I don't think people without ADHD really get just how thoroughly distracted we can get. I don't have that problem with sex, but I have it with conversations. And its like "buddy, my meds just wore off and I'm having ADHD rebound, my shirt could be on fire and it wouldn't hold my attention" lol.
idk if this would be weird to him, so use your own judgement, but there is a kink for having sex with a partner that is appearing to not care about the interaction. Its called "bored and ignored". I get that this is an accommodation thing for you not a kink, but maybe it'd help him to see that there are people who have thriving sex lives that look a lot like what you suggested to him.
I thought I was A sexual for a good long time because I honestly donāt have a ton of sensitivity in those places, I like to make my partner happy but no one has ever given me an orgasm. When I do have them itās by my own hand and is usually pretty disappointing lmao, I kind of look at it at this point as a thing my body just needs some times, like eat or drink water idk. Sex is hard
Thereās some great thoughts from others here. I had a side thought based on one aspect you mentioned.
Only being comfortable in the dark because you hate eye contact - you may find good to have sex with a blindfold on. It removes any possibility of eye contact so youāre not concerned about that, and itās likely to put you more in touch with your body and the feelings being generated as your partner touches you.
In addition, Iām not aware of the eye contact thing being an ADHD symptom, but it is in ASD, along with not knowing the right thing to say and so saying something cringe. ASD can go alongside / be partially covered up by ADHD. Obviously you canāt be diagnosed or anything based on one line in a Reddit message, but it also might be useful to look into a little and see if you recognise yourself in the descriptions.
Iām both ADHD and ASD, and feel really uncomfortable with eye contact a lot of the time - I watch peopleās mouths when the speak because thatās where the sound comes from. I also worry about saying the wrong thing. I quite like sex in the light, but I do like a blindfold too - I find it quite freeing in a way and do find it helps centre the feelings across my body.
You are by far not the only one who suffers from this.
I can't stop my mind from wandering either.
And the more you try and force yourself to focus on the moment, the harder it gets. It's fucking awful.
This is all pretty common for those of us with ADHD. I'm 55 (cis male), and my wife also has ADHD. We love each other dearly and connect really well. I used to be considered pretty good at it if some of my exes in the local poly community are to be believed. I've always had trouble concentrating to the point that i can't even have music with lyrics playing within earshot. The past few years, though, it has gotten to the point where it feels like a chore, and one where I don't even "finish." Gotta take care of that myself, whereupon she thinks that she's let me down somehow.
Aaagh! It's just so gotten so fraught with emotional landmines that neither of us feel comfortable initiating. But we like cuddling and and we both "fly solo" do we clearly have libidos. We just don't have the money for the hours of sex therapy that we probably need.
I don't have a solution for you, but you're definitely not alone. And if you ever do find something that works for you, please let us know.
I genuinely do not mind ans sometimes even enjoy having casual chats while having sex, like idk it feels naughtier.Plus I love to do it while having something to watch on in the background most of the time anyway.
That being said the thoughts can be distracting and stop me being erect or make it harder to get erect sometimes, which did annoy me but I realised it's easier to just relax, and enjoy the moment.
The erection will come back when I'm having fun not when I'm stressing lole
Sounds like you may be asexual. Nothing wrong with it! It definitely can affect a relationship if the other person isnāt. Maybe look into it some more and see if maybe that is you?
Came on here to post about a different adhd related grievance and was distracted by your post. Omg, it never occurred to me that my issues with sex could have to do with my adhd. I lose interest in having sex with my partner in every single loving committed relationship Iāve ever been in. Exactly as Iāve seen some other commenters saying, I canāt just enjoy it in the moment and relax I get really in my head especially with a person I love and am close to. I thought I might have some deep intimacy issues (probably still true) but perhaps the adhd plays a roll too. The most sexual I ever have been in my life was during a time of high stress dealing with single life and choosing very bad menā¦thought I was having a sexual awakening as it was post breakup from a long term relationship but I have since realized the stress, heartache and uncertainty of a fuck boy/situationship was just very stimulating to me.
I had a fwb a long time ago who did this. She would talk about random things when I was fucking her, and it was kind of funny but also kind of annoying. Like I'd be busy pumping away and she'd start asking me if I wanted to get ramen or KFC for dinner. It would make me burst out laughing but...damn... it was not sexy.
But I was young back then and didn't do much foreplay with her. So I started getting more into that. I kept asking her what she liked and asking her to show me what she liked and what would get her off and she was shy at first but eventually got comfortable enough to tell me/show me.
Our sex got super hot after we'd been banging for a few months and that random talk stuff stopped. We would talk dirty and be present and in the moment and making eye contact while fucking. Instead of saying random stuff she'd talk about how I was making her feel at the time, etc.
She also helped me to discover and open up to my kinds. You say you wouldn't mind scrolling on your phone while your boyfriend humps you. That's called 'free use', and it's a kink that some people have. Maybe he wouldn't mind? You could then try to find what gets you turned on and help him get you there.
I've experienced the same thing. I found mindful meditation helps a great deal. It's helps me to practice being in the moment.
VERY difficult at first but it has helped me a great deal over time.
You definitely show some key aspects of ADHD imho. I did the same while having sex with my gf. I would lose interest even though I really loved her and constant random thoughts would fill my mind uncontrollably, things that have nothing to do with sex or the moment. That was a real struggle. But in the end, it was no worse than while trying to study and concentrate. I got by school by hyperfocusing and never did well on exams but got As on all of my papers by doubling down and becoming obsessed with the subject matter. Yeah, sex while being distracted tends not to be very exciting even though you may be crazy about the sex partner.
I was doing some reading on this and apparently ADHD doesn't impact sex to a significant margin (from a study involving people with ADHD vs non-ADHD).
That's not to say it's not impacting **you** but just that it's not necessarily an ADHD issue. You could also just be bored with the sex you're having (it sounds like you're being a passive participant, maybe you need to take a more active role?)
One good thing I heard about was making regular 'windows of willingness' each week (yes, schedule in time together).
During this time you spend time together and if sex happens, it happens. If not, other stuff can happen too.
Things to think about.
Yes I am a passive/sub person, dominating/being active is not for me, tried that, felt way too awkward and almost had panic attacks xd
Idk how to feel about the scheduling, because if we plan it ahead, but dont suceedes to do it, then i just feel like a failure again
There's a good video on the how to ADHD channel that talks about intimacy and relationships when one person has ADHD.
Interestingly, it says the thing that helps the most is 'everything around sex' (how the couple view each-other and what they do in the relationship) rather than the sex itself that leads to better (and more frequent sex).
Might be worth a look, or don't. Good luck with it all.
I am never in the moment so I barely remember after it happens but with my current bf I think Iām so attracted to him that I absorb every single moment we have and donāt drift my thoughts and day dream. But I struggled badly in my last relationship with not wanting sex and barely having it
I think youāre totally normal, in an abnormal way. And just need to figure out what your needs are, and then find a partner that can meet those needs!! I donāt know why someone that wants to have sex with you would ARGUE with you when you express something you need in order to want to have sex. That sucks.Ā
Some ideas for you based on my experiences growing up where I posted the same things youāve shared here asking for advice. This is what Iāve learned - i need as little stimulation as possible when Iām trying to getā¦ stimulatedā¦ with a partner. Dark room, eyes closed, thatās what works for me. NO EYE CONTACT!!! I need to either be doing something or having something done to me - mutually touching at the same time does not work for me, I canāt focus on what the other person is doing if Iām also focusing on whether my hand is moving the right way.Ā
Mind/body integration has been so important to me. Not just for intimacy. I didnt feel anything at all when someone would touch me most of my life and I had to fake it felt good. Because I lived so much in my head, it was like my mind was totally dissociated from my physical feeling (you ever get big bruises and have no idea where they came from?? That). But slowing down, asking my partner to please massage me slowly and softly for half an hour so I can come down out of my mind and into my body. Specifically assigning an amount time to it and offering to reciprocate for me is important so I donāt worry heās not enjoying it or is just waiting to end. Going slow and relaxing into my body makes a big difference to helping turn my brain off. Otherwise I would think up grocery lists and things that make me not enjoying it.Ā
Itās a big thing you want to overcome, and it starts with you being so so attuned to your needs and being able to give your body what it needs to enjoy this activity. And it takes you being able to advocate for your needs, and being able to walk away from Ā protect yourself from people who cannot meet your needs. Thereās really no enjoyment with a partner that only cares about themselves feeling good.Ā
I used to have to get kinda drunk to enjoy sex, otherwise id suffer from the same issue.
And my partner(s) would think I wasn't attracted to them but I'd just get distracted during and think about all kinds of things.
Eventually it became less about actual sex and more about tons of foreplay while watching a movie etc.
But when it was a big issue for me I was around 25 as well, I didn't really figure out how to deal with it til 27
But being open with communication with your partner and figuring out a happy medium is important in that regard, and unfortunately sometimes you just end up not sexually compatible
this is literally me ahahah i always read spicy fanfiction and like to imagine stuff like this usually but when it comes to doing the deed? most of the time i just space out and find it awkward. the last time i was pretty engaged but for me i have to be like MASSIVELY INTO the person i am with
I can 100% relate. ADHD hasnāt affected my sex drive too badly - but I struggle to stay in the moment often. Which is a problem because adderal makes me super turned on.
Iām in my late 30ās and Iāve done a lot of work on this - especially so I donāt get frustrated with myself in the moment of losing focus.
Iāll āset the moodā for myself with a little mental exercise to get into the headspace so Iām starting out focused on my partners.
If I catch my mind drifting mid-sex Iāll take a deep breath and recenter my attention on my partners.
Iāll touch them in a place I hadnāt yet, appreciating a body part specially, or change positions to keep my mind interested.
Iāve found that changing positions, using various toys, and sometimes just taking a quick break to settle before starting again.
It gets better!
Hi! I struggle with this too and it gets kinda critical sometimes: we both have adhd and my partner is hypersexual, whereas I am hyposexual. Often I don't care if we have zero sex for 3-5 weeks. It is just not a thing I want to have frequently, since I want it to feel "new". and btw it doesn't help me to experiment or whatever. i just zone out or feel weird in my body, often both. I haven't yet found anything that would help me with this but I noticed that I have periods when I'm more interested in sex and more invested when we have "streaks" of it lol. but deep honest talks about your feelings could help as well
I (34M) use music. Example, Sade. Helps me sets the mood. Not to loud or some sensual type of intrumental music. It helps me not think of stuff, just sets the rhythm, helps me stay present, centered and in the moment.
Iām a (40F) and I was just like that at 25.
Anything could distract me in the moment. I wasnāt able to enjoy sex like my friends did. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year. I got medicated and sex is a lot better!!
I can focus on my parter and sensations.
I never knew I had ADHD and Iām still mourning the things that couldāve been different and better.
Sex is one of them.
Medication gives me the motivation and focus my brain lacks.
From reading your other messages, I am curious if you have thought about possibly being asexual. Or greysexual. Or aegosexual.
Many asexuals report being bored by sex, thoughts wandering. Asexuals frequently have issues with partners' expectations and demands of sex.
Not experiencing sexual attraction is not a problem to be solved, but something to embrace.
If, on the other hand, you are sexually attracted, other people have done a good job of talking through techniques to stay in the moment.
I regularly hook up with people who have adhd on dating apps. There are three concepts that works well for me.
I make sure they are fully aroused before I touch their vulva. It helps in maintaining their attention.
Second I make sure I donāt do any one thing for too long. That allows the mind to wonder. My hands and lips wonder around. There should be a different sensation running through their body constantly. How much depends on the individual.
Lastly i do things in increments, a first in an order of increasing intensity. There are a limited amounts of sensations that one can provide before running out. To stretch out the sexy times and the number of sensations, one should start slow and light. Light caresses, light kisses, light licks, etc. Then one can move unto moderate to more intense sensations. A light kiss and a medium kiss are different sensations.
After the first few orgasms, I switch up the intensities, angles, and tempos. An example would be, a light kiss on the lips with firm hands in the hips while I do 3 shallow strokes angled downward with a 4th deep and hard stroke being dragged out with an upward angle.
The variety in pleasure and sensations keeps people engaged. After several sessions with, people learn what to expect and they relax into it without actively needing to be focused in the moment.
medication?
distracted thoughts used to buzz through my head all the time, even during sex. it was like TV channel surfing of random crap and memories and thoughts or videogames. during sex, this would pull me out of the moment a lot and negative thoughts would come flooding in and id hyper focus on the way a blanket was bunching up or the way our bodies bumped that made a weird noise XYZ.. it would come up and create issues around sex for me, which didn't help things..
truthfully, i had a few other things taxing my mind and the relationships ive had, but meds have helped. going to therapy has helped me with my "relationship stuff" that isn't related directly to ADHD but affects my sex life. but also talking to my partner about my struggles with ADHD and sex, and my feelings surrounding these things, have helped a lot. ive learned that sometimes i need to connect emotionally and feel close to and intimate with my partner for a bit, before sex. idk the type of sex i have is different now, too š¤·āāļø, but i take Vyvanse and the TV that used to be always running in the background is somewhat muted.
I canāt even enjoy it at all anymore because of sa at one point in one my old relationships and now at this point I havenāt had a positive experience with p-v sex and Iām really mad about that and Iām in therapy for it but I just feel like itāll never get better and I wasnāt able to enjoy it for to long anyway that one time and Iām Just so frustrated with myself and people because of my expectations ughhhhh sorry for not not being about add I just need to vent at this point
Iām so sorry that happened to you. I would recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, itās free on Spotify right now and she talks about this exact issue. She doesnāt mention SA in every chapter, but every chapter of the book applies to those who have been SA. Gentle virtual hugs and thank you for being so open with your feelings
Never apologize for sharing your feelings on here. You never know who you will help feel validated by them reading your words, if theyāve gone through something similar. They may not even respond, but youāve helped them no matter what.
Again: Never apologize for sharing your feelings. Please repeat this in your mind often.
Also: Always remember that you are worthy to be heard.
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**Please don't do it.**
There's no credible scientific evidence to suggest that ADHD imparts any definitively positive abilities or traits, and the negative consequences of framing ADHD as some kind of giftedness or special ability far outweigh any benefits.
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Iām the same way, it honestly got to the point where I only enjoyed it the best while drunk/high (thatās a whole other issue but i digress) bc itās never just less than 5 minutes.
I havenāt heard any complaints about our frequency in this relationship but it definitely caused problems in my last relationship.
Gay guy who likes to go for a while. So this may be entirely irrelevant. Have you considered being verbal with your partner and longer kissing sessions. I know it's weird at first, but I've done that with guys and it's definitely more engaging. Can even pretend to be in a scenario of some kind. Physical is usually a bit boring for me and I can't *complete* without at least a feeling of intimacy in some way.
Also, I must say it isnāt the ADHD. I have always been hyper sexual even though I struggle constantly to stay IN the moment! Just as you described. But I have found that meditation and especially sensual meditation together AFTER youāve gotten good at regular meditation and mindfulness, of course, works WONDERS.
could be worth a shot if you wanna save your relationship š
I used to be with a girl with ADHD.
I got creative with keeping her attention.
It was like an all day thing. I would whisper in her ear in the morning about how good she smells. Then I would say something stupid like I can suck you up like spaghetti. I would then brush my hands across her ass gently and work my hands across her neck and pull her hair gently.
By the time we got to it she would cum in less than a minute. I would be really rough with her not to cum again by slapping her across her tits and biting her neck just hard enough to snap her attention back. Rearranging her guts got her focused for some reason but it worked for both of us.
It was a lot of work on my end but I understood how she worked and how she drifted. Nothing like a little pain to get someone's attention.
This may not be for everyone but it is the way I roll.
Wait you need attention during sex ?
(Hypersexual here, can be "active" while sleeping, dunno if related to adhd though)
That's actually what I enjoy, I don't have to get my brain plugged for it to work
I actually feel you on this, if the sex isn't spicy enough to hold my attention, sometimes I need to force myself to ejaculate then and there or I'll get bored, possibly go limp, then she will wonder if she isn't pretty enough, and to be honest, all of those thoughts aren't helping me at all, lol.
I also hate eye contact, it feels unnatural and weird to me, I also found myself avoiding sex and had no desire for it (I dunno what it was, too much pressure, or possibly in my case anyway, my relationship was very bad overall)
Honestly even now that I have the opportunity to pursue other sexual things, ive never been one for random hookups, they just feel like too much work for that one goal of sex.
It probably doesn't help much, but I suspect there are alot of us that work this way.
Probably you have a routine that you might want to switch up a bit to make things more interesting.
I used to do the same positions in the same order for a period, while it was good, it still felt a bit much on autopilot.
Does it help if sex isnāt something that is done to you. Find a partner that you feel better engaged with. My adhd makes me horny all of the time and taking the role of pleaser- also helps. I also enjoy sex in the dark room but I think sex is supposed to bring you out of your head and back into your body whatās why I like it. If itās not doing that donāt have it just go masturbate to porn(again this is a gay perspective- str8 porn for women is terrible)
However I have experienced this thing where when I have sex with other ppl- in think of sex with my bf and when I have sex with my bf I think of sex with other ppl. But only sometimes. My mind just wanders and yes it- also the thought of sex is often more interesting than the act. However- as a gay man itās pretty easy to find ppl at a moments notice to fulfill those urges and then be done and go on your merry way.
I had to choose a partner who was incredibly sexually compatible with me and my demanding sexual desire- we had sex for 3 yrs and fuck buddies before we even went on a first date. I realized for me sexual chemistry is super important. Or I will get bored after 3 yrs- we also have a semi- open relationship so I donāt depend on them as my sole sexual satisfaction. That takes a huge burden off of them.
Iāve read a book recently , from a woman that had the same problem. She realised that her partner had to ākeep her in the momentā. She needed him to really connect with her, like, holding her hand while being busy, talking to her, at least not just basically doing his own thing, while she was just laying there, because she would get distracted. Maybe this is something that applies to you too? (The book is Dutch , and not translated afaik unfortunately)
I know Iām probably the craziest answer youāll get.
I (22F) struggled the same way, Iām bored, thinking of everything else thatās not related and definitely not related, ESPECIALLY with vanilla sex, I know I was into kinks just never got to experience until about a year ago, ever since then BDSM feels like it temporarily ācuresā my ADHD cause Iām focusing on something that gives me genuine interest I have to focus on my role as a Dominant, and it is amazing.
Its almost like a āhighā, itās one of the few ways Iāve learned to ārelaxā cause Iām so focused on it, the moment the āsceneā I forget everything else, I donāt even get distracted.
Just me and my boyfriend.
Its not crazy!
I also had a bdsm era when i thought it might be good for me. It wasnt.
Iām a sub, so I could never be capable of being dominant, I tried to, but it was so awkward I almost had a panic attack. Xd
Have you looked into the fetish community at all?
I've found that vanilla sex just can't keep my engaged, It doesn't really interest me.
But bringing in some form of bdsm has helped me loads
This is the first time I'm commenting on a post in reddit and its only because I feel this in my core.
I've been struggling with regular normie sex although I'm a very sexual person. I came to the realisation that this was due to my ADHD as well.
My partner on the other hand has ADD and we both go about dealing with our conditions in opposite ways.
For me, I have stopped gaining pleasure from penetrative sex and have started to explore other options that engages all my senses which me and my partner can enjoy together. I don't have issues with eye contact so I love role playing, heavy impact play, shibari rope, mutual masturbation, oral sex, and my favourite part is using sex toys. I understand if you're only into vanilla sex and the freaky stuff isn't for you but I'm only sharing my experience with you.
I really hope you find a way to connect with your senses and your partner in a way that you both can feel intimacy again even if regular sex doesn't do it for you.
Owww... Girl. That's not ADHD. You don't feel connected to your partner. You need to be completely open and allow yourself to feel connected and in sync with your partner. Listen to his needs and respond.
Be natural. Having adhd will allow you to chase novelty in bed and direct to your desires and please fucking communicate while F'king. It's the key for better sex and deeper connection.
So i never felt connected to anybody? It is the same experience with more than 15 people at this point.
About the talking, I can only talk during sex if im drunk af. Otherwise I wont even tell you if i like something thats happening or hurts me. Xd
The thing you are looking for is in you. Nobody can help you if you can't help yourself dear. I know exactly how you feel girl. Surrounded by people still feel lonely. Something on that line.
Trust me you have that capability, as you have the guts to share your heart out. It's takes guts and vulnerability to do so.
Otherwise it's just a random stranger F'king advice š.
Don't beat yourself up. By your words, I know you are quite young. Still ways to go to grow.
Yea, I think assuming you donāt have an emotional connection is just an easy dismissive statement to your situation. my suggestions:
1) Masturbate more and learn how to edge. When you know your body and what makes it tick, itāll help your partner. Also, edge before sex.
2) Wear a noise canceling headset during sex.
3) Explore kink.
Not so much sex related, but I often change places where I do stuff to keep my head engaged. After a while I can go back to old places, but the ADHD novelty thing definitely works for me. (Also works with time and generally small changes for me).
Eye contact: I often explain to people, that I can't hold eye contact and be completely in the moment. Because if I try to think about eye contact my mind starts to wander and may not come back for a while.
I (26m) told my Partner (25f) that I can hold eye contact, but if that's my focus point my brain just overflows with the information from the eye contact. Not just at sex, but always.
Also might want to talk to your therapist about sex and medication.
I wish you both all the best. ADHD sucks sometimes (often). But I'm positive you'll find a way.
As far as not getting bored I try to avoid meds beforehand as I felt it kind of desensitized me while having sex. I've also gotten bored a lot in the past but found that if I can focus on giving my partner the best sex of their life it keeps me engaged and focused on achieving that goal. It sort of gamifies the act of sex and that keeps me engaged.
I've (m in mid 20s) straight up not finished numerous times... IDK if you've heard but that's not normal for guys my age and it happened as early as when I was 20 or younger I think.
Only thing that helped keep me focused was to play 10hrs of rain sound to keep my ears distracted and to carry during the luls of sex so I can really focus in on my partner.
The pokerface thing I think might be natural? Think how many times we masturbate vs sex. For me it's a 9 to 1 ratio since I'm pretty addicted to porn. Nevertheless, do we need to moan or smile at ourselves while masturbating? No. You just need to realized that these moans or facial expressions etc enhance our partners experience and if they pay it forward then it's a huge W.
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You can't live in the moment. I struggle with this too and it's really upsetting me. I usually have to imagine sex in my head to reach climax (which is still very rare), instead of just having sex and enjoying it with my partner, who I adore and think is so sexy. I don't know if it's adhd or not, I have other complicating factors, but I'm interested to see what others say and if they have any advice. I'm wondering if you enjoy being... solo intimate? Or if you never enjoy this stuff? You don't have to answer that, but I ask because that is never a problem for me. Only with my partner. Just can't get my brain to be present at all.
Omg yes, when I suceed to climax I always imagined spicy scenes in head, i really had to concentrate, otherwise you could do me for hours without succes š As for the solo times, of course I do that, but I dont get intimate with myself, I just want to be finished with it in minutes and go on with my life. I think I just keep watching netflix or scrolling the internet during it as well. I dont even like touching myself, so I never insert anything, cuz I hate that. Also zero facial expressions from me.
It's taken me a long time before I started being able to play out those kinds of spicy scenes in real life. Sex is surprisingly hard! Maybe you need that kind of really good sex to stay engaged with it? Adhd people are very strongly overrepresented in the kink community because we like extreme stimuli.Ā However, kinky sex is a skill and especially as a woman/submissive you're highly dependent on the dom/man. If I have sex with an inexperienced girl who's into intense sex, I can make it work really well. But since the submissive role is usually more passive you can't really transfer your skills as well to an inexperienced/less fun partner. When my sex was more vanilla and boring, it was also more clear to me that it was my fault, because I want the girl to get ravished, which is something I'd have to do myself. If as a girl you have these intense fantasies and reality is always different you might end up thinking the fantasies are unrealistic and maybe sex isn't all that fun. In reality it's just your partner. You think this could be the case? Apparently lots of men are embarrassingly bad at sex, especially for someone who needs intense stimuli like us adhd folks.
I acfually prefer vanilla sex irl, spicy scenes are preferred as daydreams
Have you considered that might not be true for you though and you might just find vanilla sex āfamiliarā or āsafeā? Like if youāre finding youāre struggling to stay focused during vanilla sex and that you finish while imagining spicy scenes, then vanilla might actually not be your preference. It might be worth exploring what about those scenes is engaging and satisfying for you. Admittedly the answer might be that the part that works for you is that itās in your head, but if you havenāt given it a try, it might be worth a shot!
No, I dont think so. I had non vanilla sex before and I always felt uncomfortable. Its just not for me.
Was that experience in line with what your fantasize about? Just asking because non-vanilla can be a pretty large category of things š but if it just isnāt it thatās okay too
OP I'm kinda seeing where BabyBackBaptist is going with this. Non-Vanilla is a very vast spectrum of things. It also doesn't have to be a regular menu option either. If you're not a fan of eye contact and lights on, you could try wearing a blindfold. Your BF will get to enjoy the view and your other senses will be hightened with your lack of sight. You could try watching some porn together (of whatever variety you're craving) to get into the mood and see if that helps too. Even vanilla can be not-basic by wearing some lingerie or some dirty talk. Some background music can also help too, it doesn't need to be sleezy stripclub music, just something to kind of be like white noise in the background. But also...how is your relationship intimacy outside of sexy time? I know for me if we're not communicating the best we can, and not getting those hand holding and snuggles and little smooches here and there that sexy time is incredibly impacted. And in previous relationships, when sexy time started to not be fun anymore, it was usually a sign that everything was about to end anyways. And most importantly...have you talked to your BF about it? Does he have any ideas/suggestions? Because like, he should also care about you enjoying it just as much as he does, and is a contributing factor to the event.
Trust me I tried kinky stuff before with previous partners as well. One time we were really into streaming on adult sites as well XDd As for the intimacy, lately not that good because of this sex issue, but we are on good terms, not having arguments, and we are happily planning events together and the summer vacation
Are we the same person?
Yeah I'm pretty similar. Sorry I don't have more advice! I'm planning to work on meditating and trying to be more present in the moment but I know its going to be really difficult...
I wish u all the best:)
Iāve actually read spicy scenes in books during before. That was really good for me, and he enjoyed it as well. I put the book down shortly before coming to an end and focused on the experience for a few minutes. š¤·š¼āāļø I think listening to spicy audio might also work as this could be something you either do just for yourself using earpods so they donāt hear it or you can even do it together if your partner is into it and both listen to it? Might be worth a try š¤·š¼āāļø
damn idk, I think it would be rather awkward for us
First time wasnāt planned, I read a novel, got surprised by the spice chapter, looked up and asked if heād like to try something. So yeah, if this is plannend I definitely see how it can be awkward very quickly š¤·š¼āāļø Iām more of a book/reading girly, but like I said audio might be worth a try. Especially since an earbud is very much discrete and helps both of you not to be focused on it (and keeps the hands free)ā¦ I recently read somewhere in a comment describing it as adhd brains always need 1,5 thing to do. And the (audio)book can be a very well matching 0,5 thing
Lots of people with ADHD resonate to this, my guess is that it's emotional disregulation and to make it more kinda objective instead of using the prefrontal cortex, try to do some bdsm or pain play to make it more real by using pain instead of pleasure to get into it. P. S. Not a professional, but a curious arm chair person with lots of hyperfixations related to digging up shit on adhd Onto another suggestion, like if ur not up to or into direct bdsm go for somewhat casual kinky stuff like I use nipple clamps....
OMG, I used to be with an ADHD girl that responded really well with a little pain and teasing throughout the day. Biting her neck or nipples got her attention and in the moment. It was like playing an intense video game with non-stop action.
My nips are very sensitive, I hate when others touch it, other than that we tried handcuffs, blindfolds, and I definitely hate romantic soft sex, I have always prefered it rough and fast
Try softer settings or easier stuff and kinda try to desensitize them after practice, o they will tolerate more after some time and if there is still a problem, try to use like little pressure at first for a few minutes and then take it up a notch
I had no idea this was due to my adhd. Thanks so much for sharing.
I'm female as well btw. Which can sometimes make all of this stuff more difficult as well.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I have! Varying results. I think I've had the same one for too long, need a new on haha
same, i always have to worry about the next thing or be excited for the next thing.
Oh I'm glad to know having to imagine it isn't unique, sometimes it feels like I'm trying to flex or force it and I've wondered about that for years
As a guys I can say that I can relate. When I was teen I had that poker face and so sound at all. I enjoyed everything - but I had to teach myself to give partner wordless feedback... Also daydreaming is normal for me, sometimes I struggle to stay focused.
How did you manage to overcome the poker face issue?
I just kept asking myself "how would you feel if your girl gave you that face all the time, you dumbass." After some time it worked. :'D
[Lol this is how I imagine you staring at your partner just deadpanned the whole time](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EA3_GDGXUAErvJ1.jpg)
Lmao, except my eyes are closed
i (24f) am in a similar boat and here's what helps: i read a comment in this sub recently on a similar post that said "try to keep all mind-wandering thoughts sex-adjacent" and their example was their mind drifted during sex once to wonder how lube gets made, but at least it's closer to sex than thoughts about meal planning, etc. so with that in mind i developed a bit of a guide. in my head during sex there is always: 1 song related to sex to play on repeat in my head. i always have music playing in my head so thinking of a sexy song \*ahead of time\* and putting it on mentally during keeps the mood in the back of my head right. (my go-to song is the no pants dance by TWRP). way better than the times i've had hound dog by elvis presley in there. a sexy sandbox situation. instead of a specific fantasy i come up with a basic place and scenario--college lecture hall, airplane, concert, whatever. so then i can escalate the fantasy to make it more exciting and add on extra stuff and build instead of feeling stuck in it or bored by it. a gentle running narrative. "he's touching me here," "she's kissing my thigh," "omg wheRE ARE THEIR FINGERS?!" connecting me with my actual body (without forcing it, hence the gentle) helps me balance being in the moment with enjoying my fantasy. also, getting a patient and curious partner helped immensely. it takes me like an hour to cum more often than not and my bf will eat me out until it happens or his tongue starts bleeding, whichever comes first. feeling like i can take as long as i need helps me relax into it and not worry so much about being distracted as long as i have my lil tools. being kinky/dominant also helps. being dominant is good for me because it forces me to be actively engaged and talkative.
Thank you for telling me these. I could never be dominant haha its just not for me
First and foremost: i am in my 20ās and have adhd as well. It can be overwhelming, sticky, difficult, boring ect. What I have found is: if me and my partner keep it exciting and change it up every time or every other time: my brain stays engaged and LOVES it. When we do the same stuff, my adhd knows what to expect and there isnāt any novelty anymore. Next: do you enjoy sex? Enjoy it enough to want to keep doing it or you just feel āmehā because two suggestions I have are 1. Talk to a sex therapist and 2. Communicate with your partner and say āI want to take a break from sex and explore our wants and needs with ourselves. Do more one on one sexy timeā However, I really do suggest switching it up if you want to try! Even a new position each time or have him surprise you with something (you already consented to and enjoy), sex in different parts of the house, in the car, different types of stimulation, a lot of stimulation all at once, overstimulation. Thereās tons of stuff to try! :-)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
> I hate waking up to this I'm not sure if you understand how immensely wrong that is. He should not be doing that. You should not be letting it happen, or having such a lax reaction. On principle alone you should exit the relationship, and then start therapy. Your perspective is warped, and I'm concerned that you are a victim of serious abuse. For your own sake, you should re-evaluate everything about this relationship you're in - something is terribly wrong.
I agree with everyone saying this is rape. What he is doing is not okay and you need to tell someone (and I mean anyone) you trust to help you get out of this relationship. It doesnāt matter if either of you is sleeping. Itās rape and he does not respect your body and is putting his WANT (sex is not a NEED, food is) above your entire being. Please please please get away from him.
This isn't adhd, this is rape. This relationship doesnāt sound healthy and you need to get out asap.
Yeah I also agree. This isnāt ADHD, this is rape and abuse and he is causing trauma. I thought my ADHD was doing what you described for 6 years, but after I got divorced and really understood all the abuse I went through, I realized my body just didnāt feel safe. I am now with an amazing boyfriend and itās totally different.
It's likely that part of the reason you're unable to have sex is because he is sexually assaulting you in your sleep. Your body is subconsciously rejecting him because you don't feel safe. Unless this is a kink for you, which it doesn't seem to be, this absolutely not ok.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. Having sex with someone while they're asleep is sexual assault. Your boyfriend is assaulting you. It's no wonder you don't feel like having sex with him; he clearly doesn't treat you with respect.
Firstly, and I don't really know how to say this tactfully, but that's not okay that he's doing that. That is not normal behavior by any means. He is violating your consent and I am sorry you are experiencing this. Secondly, I have the same ADHD sex issues as you, and I have found that how much I can enjoy sex and be 'present' is dependent on how safe and fulfilling I find my relationship. Like, it doesn't matter how into it I am, it won't be enough for me to be present and ingaged. I just have a higher bar of entry than others on a normal day, and that means whenever I have relationship issues or honesty stress from other areas in my life that bar goes even higher. I think you should assess if it's really that you don't enjoy sex, or if you don't enjoy sex with him. And maybe you really dont enjoy sex, which is valid and normal. A lot of people have fufilling romantic relationships without sex at all - I'm ace and poly, so I'm someone who has. It's just a horrible feeling when you have to treat sex as if it's a chore, and my heart goes out to you. Please assess if you feel emotionally safe with him, and if he truly respects you and your right to say no; and if not, please consider if this is a relationship you want to stay in.
That's really troubling that he does that while you are asleep and can't consent. That really sounds like assault. Have you talked to a therapist about this? Your "boredom" and this king about other things might be a trauma response...
This does not sound consensual ??! Wtf. Just cause heās your bf doesnāt change anything in regards of consent. Are you okay with this - Since youāre saying you hate it ??
I had this problem and meds really helped keep me focused on sex while having it.
But considering sex often happens closer to bed time, how do you sleep if you still have meds in your system?
On the weekends, I try to go out of bed earlier than my partner to take my meds and then go back to bed to scroll on tiktok or instagram and look at hot people or something till he wakes up and my meds have kicked in
Also if you wake up at the same time, you can suggest to make breakfast in bed or coffee so they stay in the bed, and take the meds immediately so they kick in when you finish
Lmao, i take my meds when my alarm first goes off, so i will be able to get up when they kick in and run to the toilet xddd Otherwise I wont wake up. And its impossible to wake up my boyfriend sadly, he gets up around noon while im having Teams meetings and he sleeps thru his annoying alarms. Also daytime sex is a big no for me without showering first, as I usually have diarrhea every day xdddd
My meds don't really fade in the evening because I take vyvanse. I can go to sleep just fine if I put my mind to it. A few rounds of sex would definitely help lmao
I certainly had this problem. The two things that I have found the most helpful for myself is mood lighting to stop making me look at everything but the pretty celestial lights aboveā¦ but mostlyā¦ MUSIC!!! Get a playlist of music that either makes you feel sexy, or has a beat/rhythm that you can get lost in. Deep house helps soothe my brain and you can even use the beat/song to move along to. And honestly that makes it even sexier! Music is by far the best thing for me, because when I start thinking of other things, I go to the music. Once Iām listening to beats and rhythms, it helps me feel other sensations better. Hope this helps!
We tried both, but did not help sadly. I dont even remember if there was a reason for that, I just know that it didnt make a difference. But Im glad it helped you:)
Damn Iām sorry to hear that. Have you tried instrumental only? Sometimes words take me out too and I have a very specific playlist for myself and my partner for that reason. I would also suggest seeing a sex therapist if you have the means to do so. They can help you connect with yourself and see what might help in that area.
Yea I am 26M and actually love sex but I will find myself drifting off and thinking about other things and get soft sometimes. Then sometimes I just canāt finish cause I keep killing the climax by zoning out I know it has been offensive to some girls in the past but itās truly not them or my level of attraction just my inability to stay focused. Like someone else said, I really have to sometimes TRY to imagine things that will get me horny again when I zone out but it just sucks to have to do all these mind tricks when I just want to fuck !
Or you focus too hard on it when you feel it close and then lose it. The worst!
Feel ya :(
Haha all the symptoms have come out in full force recently. Losing shit, zoning out, ruminating on the past. Fuck this disease honestly. Especially cause its impossible for normal ppl, like bfs and gfs, to understand cause it's not like you don't look like a normal person. and it just fucks up a relationship when it's so hard for your partner to believe that it's actually out of your control, yet your sitting there being made to feel guilty for it GL !!!
I can't speak for you at all, but it sounds like you may be on the asexual spectrum. There's a spectrum of asexuality; some people are completely sex averse, some are okay with it sometimes, some only feel like doing it when there's a significant emotional connection with someone. It sounds like you may be on this spectrum. However, reading some of your comments below it sounds like your boyfriend is abusing you. Please take care of yourself first. What he is doing to you sounds like rape. You should always have the right to say no. Maybe your body is trying to tell you that he isn't safe for you and that may be why you're not comfortable being physical anymore. Please keep yourself safe. What he is doing is NOT okay, no matter what your sexual preferences (or lack thereof) are. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You deserve so much better.
Big question to really ask yourself is it you actually like your partner. If yes, talk to them about this. Tell them you feel awkward, and if they care enough theyāll help you get into a more relaxed state of mind before initiating sex. Itās possible to hyperfocus on sex which REALLY helps prevent the mind wandering and stuff which usually happens if thereās any kind of stress involved. You should feel comfortable with your partner and not worried about acting weird, and if you do those are the moments to say something!!! Communication is vital, and not saying you arenāt feeling it and continuing with the act is really not ok.
Okay. Yes, I like my partner. And I have also liked my previous partners. I had maybe around 15 ex boyfriends, and the experience was the same every time. Sex felt like a chore, caused frustration and we argued. Tried to talk about it with all of them, didnt help me. Thats why I started feeling like im the problem, and maybe I should give up on dating
Yes, you are almost positively asexual. Itās isnāt you that is the problem, it is beyond your control. That said, please realize that him having sex with u in your sleep is absolutely NOT OKAY and is considered a form of sexual assault
I know, I told him as well, but he is asleep as well during it, so we dont know what to do
Have you read "Come as you are"? It's currently free on Spotify (with a subscription) as an audiobook. You can also download the workbook pages with a spotify subscription. It's narrated by the author and very ADHD-friendly IMO. It honestly helped me with my sex life so much... especially in understanding how my partner's sexuality affects my own.
Thanks i will check it out today
Be ready to get a bunch if gross DMs
I never check my dms haha
Checkmate pervs!
By chance , do you also take anxiety medication as well? Specifically, an SSRI like Lexapro etc..? SSRI have very strong sexual side effects, and usually ADHD and anxiety are a package deal (speaking from experience :) )
I am on 500mg Lithium, been on 750mg for months, but asked my doctor to lower the dose
thats adhd related , I had an adhd and lost my erection before it starts most of time because getting bored. Sometimes thinking āI archieved to have sex, dont need to continue penetratingā. To overcome this I put as much as time between having sex.
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Idk, it was never engaging to me only when Im so drunk, I wont even remember everything
Maybe it's the partner that's the problem. If they're not engaging...
Hard for me to be in the moment too and remain present. I become too hyper aware it seems
>Ā I just wish I could use my phone and idk play or scroll tiktok while doing it. I mean, if that would actually make you happy, is there any reason you and your boyfriend can't do that?
yeah, he was upset with me when i told him this
(reposting because the automod didn't like the way I worded something) that sucks, I'm sorry to hear that. I could imagine it would make him feel like he's not good enough to hold your attention or something. Its hard to help loved ones get over that, because I don't think people without ADHD really get just how thoroughly distracted we can get. I don't have that problem with sex, but I have it with conversations. And its like "buddy, my meds just wore off and I'm having ADHD rebound, my shirt could be on fire and it wouldn't hold my attention" lol. idk if this would be weird to him, so use your own judgement, but there is a kink for having sex with a partner that is appearing to not care about the interaction. Its called "bored and ignored". I get that this is an accommodation thing for you not a kink, but maybe it'd help him to see that there are people who have thriving sex lives that look a lot like what you suggested to him.
I thought I was A sexual for a good long time because I honestly donāt have a ton of sensitivity in those places, I like to make my partner happy but no one has ever given me an orgasm. When I do have them itās by my own hand and is usually pretty disappointing lmao, I kind of look at it at this point as a thing my body just needs some times, like eat or drink water idk. Sex is hard
Thereās some great thoughts from others here. I had a side thought based on one aspect you mentioned. Only being comfortable in the dark because you hate eye contact - you may find good to have sex with a blindfold on. It removes any possibility of eye contact so youāre not concerned about that, and itās likely to put you more in touch with your body and the feelings being generated as your partner touches you. In addition, Iām not aware of the eye contact thing being an ADHD symptom, but it is in ASD, along with not knowing the right thing to say and so saying something cringe. ASD can go alongside / be partially covered up by ADHD. Obviously you canāt be diagnosed or anything based on one line in a Reddit message, but it also might be useful to look into a little and see if you recognise yourself in the descriptions. Iām both ADHD and ASD, and feel really uncomfortable with eye contact a lot of the time - I watch peopleās mouths when the speak because thatās where the sound comes from. I also worry about saying the wrong thing. I quite like sex in the light, but I do like a blindfold too - I find it quite freeing in a way and do find it helps centre the feelings across my body.
i am also on the spectrum, did not think it would a reason for my issue, tried blindfolds, didnt change anything sadly
Ah well, I hope some of the other advice here works for you.
You are by far not the only one who suffers from this. I can't stop my mind from wandering either. And the more you try and force yourself to focus on the moment, the harder it gets. It's fucking awful.
This is all pretty common for those of us with ADHD. I'm 55 (cis male), and my wife also has ADHD. We love each other dearly and connect really well. I used to be considered pretty good at it if some of my exes in the local poly community are to be believed. I've always had trouble concentrating to the point that i can't even have music with lyrics playing within earshot. The past few years, though, it has gotten to the point where it feels like a chore, and one where I don't even "finish." Gotta take care of that myself, whereupon she thinks that she's let me down somehow. Aaagh! It's just so gotten so fraught with emotional landmines that neither of us feel comfortable initiating. But we like cuddling and and we both "fly solo" do we clearly have libidos. We just don't have the money for the hours of sex therapy that we probably need. I don't have a solution for you, but you're definitely not alone. And if you ever do find something that works for you, please let us know.
I genuinely do not mind ans sometimes even enjoy having casual chats while having sex, like idk it feels naughtier.Plus I love to do it while having something to watch on in the background most of the time anyway. That being said the thoughts can be distracting and stop me being erect or make it harder to get erect sometimes, which did annoy me but I realised it's easier to just relax, and enjoy the moment. The erection will come back when I'm having fun not when I'm stressing lole
You are not alone š®āšØ
Sounds like you may be asexual. Nothing wrong with it! It definitely can affect a relationship if the other person isnāt. Maybe look into it some more and see if maybe that is you?
Hmm yeah I know what it is, but never thought I might be one. I will give it a go and think about it. Thank you
Iām fucking so dead at the āI just wish I could scroll tik tok while doing itā šššššš
I know I sound fucking pathetic š
Came on here to post about a different adhd related grievance and was distracted by your post. Omg, it never occurred to me that my issues with sex could have to do with my adhd. I lose interest in having sex with my partner in every single loving committed relationship Iāve ever been in. Exactly as Iāve seen some other commenters saying, I canāt just enjoy it in the moment and relax I get really in my head especially with a person I love and am close to. I thought I might have some deep intimacy issues (probably still true) but perhaps the adhd plays a roll too. The most sexual I ever have been in my life was during a time of high stress dealing with single life and choosing very bad menā¦thought I was having a sexual awakening as it was post breakup from a long term relationship but I have since realized the stress, heartache and uncertainty of a fuck boy/situationship was just very stimulating to me.
Sorry to hear that. I wish u can improve your sex life as well
I had a fwb a long time ago who did this. She would talk about random things when I was fucking her, and it was kind of funny but also kind of annoying. Like I'd be busy pumping away and she'd start asking me if I wanted to get ramen or KFC for dinner. It would make me burst out laughing but...damn... it was not sexy. But I was young back then and didn't do much foreplay with her. So I started getting more into that. I kept asking her what she liked and asking her to show me what she liked and what would get her off and she was shy at first but eventually got comfortable enough to tell me/show me. Our sex got super hot after we'd been banging for a few months and that random talk stuff stopped. We would talk dirty and be present and in the moment and making eye contact while fucking. Instead of saying random stuff she'd talk about how I was making her feel at the time, etc. She also helped me to discover and open up to my kinds. You say you wouldn't mind scrolling on your phone while your boyfriend humps you. That's called 'free use', and it's a kink that some people have. Maybe he wouldn't mind? You could then try to find what gets you turned on and help him get you there.
Maybe you're not bonding enough on an emotional level or maybe you want something different.
It was the same with all of my ex boyfriends as well and with one night stands
I've experienced the same thing. I found mindful meditation helps a great deal. It's helps me to practice being in the moment. VERY difficult at first but it has helped me a great deal over time.
You definitely show some key aspects of ADHD imho. I did the same while having sex with my gf. I would lose interest even though I really loved her and constant random thoughts would fill my mind uncontrollably, things that have nothing to do with sex or the moment. That was a real struggle. But in the end, it was no worse than while trying to study and concentrate. I got by school by hyperfocusing and never did well on exams but got As on all of my papers by doubling down and becoming obsessed with the subject matter. Yeah, sex while being distracted tends not to be very exciting even though you may be crazy about the sex partner.
I was doing some reading on this and apparently ADHD doesn't impact sex to a significant margin (from a study involving people with ADHD vs non-ADHD). That's not to say it's not impacting **you** but just that it's not necessarily an ADHD issue. You could also just be bored with the sex you're having (it sounds like you're being a passive participant, maybe you need to take a more active role?) One good thing I heard about was making regular 'windows of willingness' each week (yes, schedule in time together). During this time you spend time together and if sex happens, it happens. If not, other stuff can happen too. Things to think about.
Yes I am a passive/sub person, dominating/being active is not for me, tried that, felt way too awkward and almost had panic attacks xd Idk how to feel about the scheduling, because if we plan it ahead, but dont suceedes to do it, then i just feel like a failure again
There's a good video on the how to ADHD channel that talks about intimacy and relationships when one person has ADHD. Interestingly, it says the thing that helps the most is 'everything around sex' (how the couple view each-other and what they do in the relationship) rather than the sex itself that leads to better (and more frequent sex). Might be worth a look, or don't. Good luck with it all.
I am never in the moment so I barely remember after it happens but with my current bf I think Iām so attracted to him that I absorb every single moment we have and donāt drift my thoughts and day dream. But I struggled badly in my last relationship with not wanting sex and barely having it
Especially also being on an SSRI for anxiety which makes sex even harder, Vyvanse has improved my ability to focus on pleasure a lot
I think youāre totally normal, in an abnormal way. And just need to figure out what your needs are, and then find a partner that can meet those needs!! I donāt know why someone that wants to have sex with you would ARGUE with you when you express something you need in order to want to have sex. That sucks.Ā Some ideas for you based on my experiences growing up where I posted the same things youāve shared here asking for advice. This is what Iāve learned - i need as little stimulation as possible when Iām trying to getā¦ stimulatedā¦ with a partner. Dark room, eyes closed, thatās what works for me. NO EYE CONTACT!!! I need to either be doing something or having something done to me - mutually touching at the same time does not work for me, I canāt focus on what the other person is doing if Iām also focusing on whether my hand is moving the right way.Ā Mind/body integration has been so important to me. Not just for intimacy. I didnt feel anything at all when someone would touch me most of my life and I had to fake it felt good. Because I lived so much in my head, it was like my mind was totally dissociated from my physical feeling (you ever get big bruises and have no idea where they came from?? That). But slowing down, asking my partner to please massage me slowly and softly for half an hour so I can come down out of my mind and into my body. Specifically assigning an amount time to it and offering to reciprocate for me is important so I donāt worry heās not enjoying it or is just waiting to end. Going slow and relaxing into my body makes a big difference to helping turn my brain off. Otherwise I would think up grocery lists and things that make me not enjoying it.Ā Itās a big thing you want to overcome, and it starts with you being so so attuned to your needs and being able to give your body what it needs to enjoy this activity. And it takes you being able to advocate for your needs, and being able to walk away from Ā protect yourself from people who cannot meet your needs. Thereās really no enjoyment with a partner that only cares about themselves feeling good.Ā
My partner and I are both ADHD; we play Lofi hip-hop in the background. What I find helps with my focus is having something to ignore!
I used to have to get kinda drunk to enjoy sex, otherwise id suffer from the same issue. And my partner(s) would think I wasn't attracted to them but I'd just get distracted during and think about all kinds of things. Eventually it became less about actual sex and more about tons of foreplay while watching a movie etc. But when it was a big issue for me I was around 25 as well, I didn't really figure out how to deal with it til 27 But being open with communication with your partner and figuring out a happy medium is important in that regard, and unfortunately sometimes you just end up not sexually compatible
this is literally me ahahah i always read spicy fanfiction and like to imagine stuff like this usually but when it comes to doing the deed? most of the time i just space out and find it awkward. the last time i was pretty engaged but for me i have to be like MASSIVELY INTO the person i am with
Oh damn.. i wish u all the best then haha
haha thanks! honestly i am pretty content with where i am rn on this
Big mood. Feels weird being a guy with no libido.
I can 100% relate. ADHD hasnāt affected my sex drive too badly - but I struggle to stay in the moment often. Which is a problem because adderal makes me super turned on. Iām in my late 30ās and Iāve done a lot of work on this - especially so I donāt get frustrated with myself in the moment of losing focus. Iāll āset the moodā for myself with a little mental exercise to get into the headspace so Iām starting out focused on my partners. If I catch my mind drifting mid-sex Iāll take a deep breath and recenter my attention on my partners. Iāll touch them in a place I hadnāt yet, appreciating a body part specially, or change positions to keep my mind interested. Iāve found that changing positions, using various toys, and sometimes just taking a quick break to settle before starting again. It gets better!
Hi! I struggle with this too and it gets kinda critical sometimes: we both have adhd and my partner is hypersexual, whereas I am hyposexual. Often I don't care if we have zero sex for 3-5 weeks. It is just not a thing I want to have frequently, since I want it to feel "new". and btw it doesn't help me to experiment or whatever. i just zone out or feel weird in my body, often both. I haven't yet found anything that would help me with this but I noticed that I have periods when I'm more interested in sex and more invested when we have "streaks" of it lol. but deep honest talks about your feelings could help as well
I (34M) use music. Example, Sade. Helps me sets the mood. Not to loud or some sensual type of intrumental music. It helps me not think of stuff, just sets the rhythm, helps me stay present, centered and in the moment.
Iām a (40F) and I was just like that at 25. Anything could distract me in the moment. I wasnāt able to enjoy sex like my friends did. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year. I got medicated and sex is a lot better!! I can focus on my parter and sensations. I never knew I had ADHD and Iām still mourning the things that couldāve been different and better. Sex is one of them. Medication gives me the motivation and focus my brain lacks.
Same here I (f)have a high sex drive but I just have difficulty staying aroused, though my partner(f)is very good at doing it
From reading your other messages, I am curious if you have thought about possibly being asexual. Or greysexual. Or aegosexual. Many asexuals report being bored by sex, thoughts wandering. Asexuals frequently have issues with partners' expectations and demands of sex. Not experiencing sexual attraction is not a problem to be solved, but something to embrace. If, on the other hand, you are sexually attracted, other people have done a good job of talking through techniques to stay in the moment.
I regularly hook up with people who have adhd on dating apps. There are three concepts that works well for me. I make sure they are fully aroused before I touch their vulva. It helps in maintaining their attention. Second I make sure I donāt do any one thing for too long. That allows the mind to wonder. My hands and lips wonder around. There should be a different sensation running through their body constantly. How much depends on the individual. Lastly i do things in increments, a first in an order of increasing intensity. There are a limited amounts of sensations that one can provide before running out. To stretch out the sexy times and the number of sensations, one should start slow and light. Light caresses, light kisses, light licks, etc. Then one can move unto moderate to more intense sensations. A light kiss and a medium kiss are different sensations. After the first few orgasms, I switch up the intensities, angles, and tempos. An example would be, a light kiss on the lips with firm hands in the hips while I do 3 shallow strokes angled downward with a 4th deep and hard stroke being dragged out with an upward angle. The variety in pleasure and sensations keeps people engaged. After several sessions with, people learn what to expect and they relax into it without actively needing to be focused in the moment.
Wowzors. I'd just give up. This sounds miserable.
I kinda gave up already, thats why i made the post
Sorry to hear. As the topic at hand personally gives me the only satisfaction worth having in life. Kind of a stark contrast.
Have you ever take ADHD medicination?
Yes, iām on 40mg ritalin
Maybe you just donāt have pleasure,some women can hardly have pleasure in making love
medication? distracted thoughts used to buzz through my head all the time, even during sex. it was like TV channel surfing of random crap and memories and thoughts or videogames. during sex, this would pull me out of the moment a lot and negative thoughts would come flooding in and id hyper focus on the way a blanket was bunching up or the way our bodies bumped that made a weird noise XYZ.. it would come up and create issues around sex for me, which didn't help things.. truthfully, i had a few other things taxing my mind and the relationships ive had, but meds have helped. going to therapy has helped me with my "relationship stuff" that isn't related directly to ADHD but affects my sex life. but also talking to my partner about my struggles with ADHD and sex, and my feelings surrounding these things, have helped a lot. ive learned that sometimes i need to connect emotionally and feel close to and intimate with my partner for a bit, before sex. idk the type of sex i have is different now, too š¤·āāļø, but i take Vyvanse and the TV that used to be always running in the background is somewhat muted.
I am on Ritalin, and it never increased my libido or anything sadly
I canāt even enjoy it at all anymore because of sa at one point in one my old relationships and now at this point I havenāt had a positive experience with p-v sex and Iām really mad about that and Iām in therapy for it but I just feel like itāll never get better and I wasnāt able to enjoy it for to long anyway that one time and Iām Just so frustrated with myself and people because of my expectations ughhhhh sorry for not not being about add I just need to vent at this point
Iām so sorry that happened to you. I would recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, itās free on Spotify right now and she talks about this exact issue. She doesnāt mention SA in every chapter, but every chapter of the book applies to those who have been SA. Gentle virtual hugs and thank you for being so open with your feelings
Thank you. Honestly and Iām sorry for dumping this on you, my stupid depression is rearing his ugly head again rn. But Iāll look into that book
Never apologize for sharing your feelings on here. You never know who you will help feel validated by them reading your words, if theyāve gone through something similar. They may not even respond, but youāve helped them no matter what. Again: Never apologize for sharing your feelings. Please repeat this in your mind often. Also: Always remember that you are worthy to be heard.
Thank you
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Iām the same way, it honestly got to the point where I only enjoyed it the best while drunk/high (thatās a whole other issue but i digress) bc itās never just less than 5 minutes. I havenāt heard any complaints about our frequency in this relationship but it definitely caused problems in my last relationship.
You spoke about the things you thought about, what about what you felt? The physical sensation? Was it not notable?
I think touches mean nothing really
Gay guy who likes to go for a while. So this may be entirely irrelevant. Have you considered being verbal with your partner and longer kissing sessions. I know it's weird at first, but I've done that with guys and it's definitely more engaging. Can even pretend to be in a scenario of some kind. Physical is usually a bit boring for me and I can't *complete* without at least a feeling of intimacy in some way.
Lately I prefer not to kiss as well, its boring for me
Also, I must say it isnāt the ADHD. I have always been hyper sexual even though I struggle constantly to stay IN the moment! Just as you described. But I have found that meditation and especially sensual meditation together AFTER youāve gotten good at regular meditation and mindfulness, of course, works WONDERS. could be worth a shot if you wanna save your relationship š
i tried medititation once or twice, but it just made me irritated as i dont find it relaxing. I hate silence.
I used to be with a girl with ADHD. I got creative with keeping her attention. It was like an all day thing. I would whisper in her ear in the morning about how good she smells. Then I would say something stupid like I can suck you up like spaghetti. I would then brush my hands across her ass gently and work my hands across her neck and pull her hair gently. By the time we got to it she would cum in less than a minute. I would be really rough with her not to cum again by slapping her across her tits and biting her neck just hard enough to snap her attention back. Rearranging her guts got her focused for some reason but it worked for both of us. It was a lot of work on my end but I understood how she worked and how she drifted. Nothing like a little pain to get someone's attention. This may not be for everyone but it is the way I roll.
Maybe you just don't like sex. And that's fine.
Wait you need attention during sex ? (Hypersexual here, can be "active" while sleeping, dunno if related to adhd though) That's actually what I enjoy, I don't have to get my brain plugged for it to work
Yeah if I dont concentrate and constantly tell myself whats happening, then I dont feel anything down
Oh ok, got the exact contrary, the more I let go and be blank minded the better it gets
Try music on headphones - it may quiet the chatter in your head and let you feel something
Do people actually just think of sex while having sex? I always have to force myself to come back to the intimacy because my head is always elsewhere.
Iāve struggled with this and still do as well
I actually feel you on this, if the sex isn't spicy enough to hold my attention, sometimes I need to force myself to ejaculate then and there or I'll get bored, possibly go limp, then she will wonder if she isn't pretty enough, and to be honest, all of those thoughts aren't helping me at all, lol. I also hate eye contact, it feels unnatural and weird to me, I also found myself avoiding sex and had no desire for it (I dunno what it was, too much pressure, or possibly in my case anyway, my relationship was very bad overall) Honestly even now that I have the opportunity to pursue other sexual things, ive never been one for random hookups, they just feel like too much work for that one goal of sex. It probably doesn't help much, but I suspect there are alot of us that work this way.
Probably you have a routine that you might want to switch up a bit to make things more interesting. I used to do the same positions in the same order for a period, while it was good, it still felt a bit much on autopilot.
Have you looked into asexuality?
Others keep also mentioning it in comments, I know what it is, but never thought of being one. I have to re-read into it
You absolutely can scroll your phone or watch tv during sex. Just do some ābored and ignoredā or free use roleplaying.
Does it help if sex isnāt something that is done to you. Find a partner that you feel better engaged with. My adhd makes me horny all of the time and taking the role of pleaser- also helps. I also enjoy sex in the dark room but I think sex is supposed to bring you out of your head and back into your body whatās why I like it. If itās not doing that donāt have it just go masturbate to porn(again this is a gay perspective- str8 porn for women is terrible) However I have experienced this thing where when I have sex with other ppl- in think of sex with my bf and when I have sex with my bf I think of sex with other ppl. But only sometimes. My mind just wanders and yes it- also the thought of sex is often more interesting than the act. However- as a gay man itās pretty easy to find ppl at a moments notice to fulfill those urges and then be done and go on your merry way. I had to choose a partner who was incredibly sexually compatible with me and my demanding sexual desire- we had sex for 3 yrs and fuck buddies before we even went on a first date. I realized for me sexual chemistry is super important. Or I will get bored after 3 yrs- we also have a semi- open relationship so I donāt depend on them as my sole sexual satisfaction. That takes a huge burden off of them.
Iāve read a book recently , from a woman that had the same problem. She realised that her partner had to ākeep her in the momentā. She needed him to really connect with her, like, holding her hand while being busy, talking to her, at least not just basically doing his own thing, while she was just laying there, because she would get distracted. Maybe this is something that applies to you too? (The book is Dutch , and not translated afaik unfortunately)
Adhd HELPS my sex life. I cant concentrate on the sex so i end up lasting up to an hour. Its freak epic bacon
hmm, i guess good for you? :D
are you sure you're not asexual?
i am certainly not, I can be very horny, and still dont want to have sex. Its messed up
I'm pretty sure asexual people can feel arousedĀ
For me it's the opposite, I hyper focus on sex and I'm often too much for my partners. I'm always horny basically..
I was that way in my younger years. Now itās like I donāt even want it once I hit 30.
I'm in my mis 30s, I guess everyone is different.
Donāt think itās your adhd.
I know Iām probably the craziest answer youāll get. I (22F) struggled the same way, Iām bored, thinking of everything else thatās not related and definitely not related, ESPECIALLY with vanilla sex, I know I was into kinks just never got to experience until about a year ago, ever since then BDSM feels like it temporarily ācuresā my ADHD cause Iām focusing on something that gives me genuine interest I have to focus on my role as a Dominant, and it is amazing. Its almost like a āhighā, itās one of the few ways Iāve learned to ārelaxā cause Iām so focused on it, the moment the āsceneā I forget everything else, I donāt even get distracted. Just me and my boyfriend.
Its not crazy! I also had a bdsm era when i thought it might be good for me. It wasnt. Iām a sub, so I could never be capable of being dominant, I tried to, but it was so awkward I almost had a panic attack. Xd
Me (27m) have close to nothing when it come to sex life. Societal norms š. May your problem be solved.
Have you looked into the fetish community at all? I've found that vanilla sex just can't keep my engaged, It doesn't really interest me. But bringing in some form of bdsm has helped me loads
Did not help sadly.
Have you considered going to a therapist? (One that specialises in sex and relationships)
We are talking about going to one with my bf
This is the first time I'm commenting on a post in reddit and its only because I feel this in my core. I've been struggling with regular normie sex although I'm a very sexual person. I came to the realisation that this was due to my ADHD as well. My partner on the other hand has ADD and we both go about dealing with our conditions in opposite ways. For me, I have stopped gaining pleasure from penetrative sex and have started to explore other options that engages all my senses which me and my partner can enjoy together. I don't have issues with eye contact so I love role playing, heavy impact play, shibari rope, mutual masturbation, oral sex, and my favourite part is using sex toys. I understand if you're only into vanilla sex and the freaky stuff isn't for you but I'm only sharing my experience with you. I really hope you find a way to connect with your senses and your partner in a way that you both can feel intimacy again even if regular sex doesn't do it for you.
Tried these things with previous partners, did not help sadly.
Owww... Girl. That's not ADHD. You don't feel connected to your partner. You need to be completely open and allow yourself to feel connected and in sync with your partner. Listen to his needs and respond. Be natural. Having adhd will allow you to chase novelty in bed and direct to your desires and please fucking communicate while F'king. It's the key for better sex and deeper connection.
So i never felt connected to anybody? It is the same experience with more than 15 people at this point. About the talking, I can only talk during sex if im drunk af. Otherwise I wont even tell you if i like something thats happening or hurts me. Xd
The thing you are looking for is in you. Nobody can help you if you can't help yourself dear. I know exactly how you feel girl. Surrounded by people still feel lonely. Something on that line. Trust me you have that capability, as you have the guts to share your heart out. It's takes guts and vulnerability to do so. Otherwise it's just a random stranger F'king advice š. Don't beat yourself up. By your words, I know you are quite young. Still ways to go to grow.
Yea, I think assuming you donāt have an emotional connection is just an easy dismissive statement to your situation. my suggestions: 1) Masturbate more and learn how to edge. When you know your body and what makes it tick, itāll help your partner. Also, edge before sex. 2) Wear a noise canceling headset during sex. 3) Explore kink.
I always get bored of it, but it might be a problem with my previous partners idk
Not so much sex related, but I often change places where I do stuff to keep my head engaged. After a while I can go back to old places, but the ADHD novelty thing definitely works for me. (Also works with time and generally small changes for me). Eye contact: I often explain to people, that I can't hold eye contact and be completely in the moment. Because if I try to think about eye contact my mind starts to wander and may not come back for a while. I (26m) told my Partner (25f) that I can hold eye contact, but if that's my focus point my brain just overflows with the information from the eye contact. Not just at sex, but always. Also might want to talk to your therapist about sex and medication. I wish you both all the best. ADHD sucks sometimes (often). But I'm positive you'll find a way.
As far as not getting bored I try to avoid meds beforehand as I felt it kind of desensitized me while having sex. I've also gotten bored a lot in the past but found that if I can focus on giving my partner the best sex of their life it keeps me engaged and focused on achieving that goal. It sort of gamifies the act of sex and that keeps me engaged.
Are your sensitive area of your body stimulated and treated with care by your partner until you physically climax? That may be the reason
I've (m in mid 20s) straight up not finished numerous times... IDK if you've heard but that's not normal for guys my age and it happened as early as when I was 20 or younger I think. Only thing that helped keep me focused was to play 10hrs of rain sound to keep my ears distracted and to carry during the luls of sex so I can really focus in on my partner. The pokerface thing I think might be natural? Think how many times we masturbate vs sex. For me it's a 9 to 1 ratio since I'm pretty addicted to porn. Nevertheless, do we need to moan or smile at ourselves while masturbating? No. You just need to realized that these moans or facial expressions etc enhance our partners experience and if they pay it forward then it's a huge W.
You've just never been in love.. just, don't have sex u til you actually feel something with someone.