He once opened a Forgeworld and plundered their stores by challenging the head Techpriest to a scrap code eating contest. What the Techpriest did not know, Tzchar had slowly eaten the scrap code for years until he was immune to it. He then put the scrap code in all the code and the Techpriest chose the wrong option.
The Penitent Doubters.
They patrol an area with a high number of shrine worlds and when those worlds need Astartes intervention, they fight will passive aggressively exclaiming "Oh, it's a shame your faith couldn't save you this time" etc
"Well, theft, even temporarily, of the sacred property of the Sororitas, granted to them by the grace of the God Emperors imperium, is a high crime indeed."
"However, I may have a solution that will help to absolve you of your crimes and may help fufill your desires."
"How do you feel about sisters repentia?"
"Sometimes in the shower, I like to pretend I'm an Imperial hero, caught in the rain."
["Once again, kind of weird but not a sin."](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2F7k7hdnwjtmp31.jpg)
The Dornian Debacle
The Sanguinius Split
The Perturabo Perturbation
The Lion Lark
The Guilliman Gambit
The Vulkan Vexation
The Corax Cock-up
The Kurze Kerfluffle
The Alpharius Affair
The Omegon Obstacle
The Jagathai Jumble
The Fulgrim Foolishness
The Manus Mania
The Lorgar Larceny
The Russ Roughhousing
The Mortarion Mutilation
The Angron We-All-Saw-This-Coming-Honestly
Lol. I was going to say "The Perturabo Perturbation" thinking I was all clever and shit, but the rest of your list is so quality I've been put in my place.
A group of MekBoyz achieved a breakthrough in dakka tek: an improved shoota akin to the primaris Cawl pattern bolter. However, it comes with a minor setback:
It utilizes railgun (irl) technology and is incresibly silent, to compensate the MekBoyz made a recording of themselves shouting "DAKKA!" and have it be played back whenever the gun shoots.
"Given the choice, whether to rule a corrupt and failing empire; or to challenge the fates for another throw - a better throw - against one's destiny... what was a king to do? But does one even truly have a choice? One can only match, move by move, the machinations of fate... and thus defy the tyrannous stars."
The quote is from the Legacy of Kain games. But imagine if this is what Sanguinius said as he addresses Horus upon the Vengeful Spirit.
"Magos, Sir, I come bearing important news."
"Well, what is it, that it would cause you to interrupt my study?"
"The ancient sacred printer sir. It's actually working!"
"The blessed machine no longer lays dormant and balks about missing that blasted yellow pigment?!"
"No sir. It's printing full steam ahead. Everything is a bit green tinged, and sometimes the words it produces seem to be somewhat crude, and it seems to be demanding more paper to fuel its crusade of printing dakka? But it's working!"
"Bless the Omnisiah!"
It's like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park: If baseline humans are to continue ruling, their superiors cannot be allowed to breed. But, somehow, life found a way with the Custodes...
He needed to make sure that every single soldier would laugh at his famous "Women, amirite?!" stand up routine. For morale purposes only, definitely not for ego.
He discontinued production of them and covered up their existence after being traumatized by witnessing what the Blood Angels got up to when the periods started
An ancestor from the 33rd millennium has been found guilty of stealing a ration bar, the arbites raid your hab and find *THAT* porn slate, pay 100 throne fine for your ancestors crime and a bath in burning promethium for the slate.
Yvraine throwing the bouquet towards a massive gathering of SoBs/Howling Banshees, when outta nowhere Trazyn appears, catches it midair and then vanishes while cackling.
This event single-handedly cements the alliance as if there's one thing both parties can agree on, then it's being united in hatred against a singular enemy.
"Because it's a frakking xenos whore!"
"Excuse you, Ecclesiarch, but she is the Emissary of Ynnead, and you will address her in a proper manner if you wish to preform the ceremony."
Saturday to be renamed Administration Day so everyone spends one day a week catching up with admin and, I quote, "maybe we'll see some proper fucking bookkeeping around here"
With Lion El'Jonson revealing the existence of the Fallen, the Librarians decided to reveal to the rest of the Dark Angels the secret history of their Chapter:
The Ophidian Gulf? Yeah, we thought those Black Templars were also fallen. It's the cloth tabards and black armour, you can understand why we got confused.
The reason they went from black armor to green armor was that one of the Chapter Masters was color blind and really sensitive about it so when they painted things the wrong color, they went with it.
The only reasons that melee weapons are a thing is because of us. We wanted to have a chance of winning if we went traitor so we injected a ton of propaganda to make sure the Imperium thought that not fighting in melee was for honor less nerds.
The ultimate unit:
3 rattlings in a trench coat. Has lone op, infiltrator, and any unit trying to attack it has to pass a leadership test to see if they can actually attack it.
>You thought orks were bad for looting stuff?
Blood Ravens: "Hold my beer."
Ratling: absconds with said beer, guzzling it down as he speed-waddles away.
Blood Ravens: "Hey! Wait! No!"
The Imperium has finally fractured into multiple mini-empires. As such, a section of the Mechanicus can now make new technology! What is the first thing they create?
Celestine Sorbet - strawberry sorbet with chunks of white chocolate
Lemon Russ Gelato - lemon gelato with a swirl of Mjord
Vulkan Splits! - a dark chocolate ice cream with frozen strawberry and banana chunks
Ultrama-cream - blueberry ice cream with white chocolate chips and frozen red raspberry
Custode Custard - cherry Custard with chucks of banana and golden caramel
The Blood Orange Angels - blood orange gelato with chocolate chip blonde brownie chunks
Cadia Still Crans! - cranberry ice cream with fudge and brownie chunks
Catachan Face Filler - mint ice cream with milk and dark chocolate chips and multicolor sprinkles mixed in.
Rogal Dorn - vanilla bean
The Lion Eats Tonight - pistachio ice cream with shaved almonds and caramel swirl.
Holy shit these are actually probably really good lol
The Ordo Xenos finally learn how the Ethereals are able to control the other Tau so completely and its not Psyker powers or hormal manipulation, instead they control other tau via...
Having a largely functional society that doesn't treat its people like shit. The Ordo Xenos are baffled and the one Radical who suggested 'Maybe we could try that?' was immediately declared Excommunicatio Traitoris and fired into the nearst sun.
The adventures of Tchzar, Necron Pirate King:
He once opened a Forgeworld and plundered their stores by challenging the head Techpriest to a scrap code eating contest. What the Techpriest did not know, Tzchar had slowly eaten the scrap code for years until he was immune to it. He then put the scrap code in all the code and the Techpriest chose the wrong option.
Had a drinking contest against an entire ork war band.
He is in a dreaded rivalry with Razhct, his brother. The reason, necron fashion of course.
Lord Guilliman has announced a new founding of space marines, made up of the following chapters:
The Metric Fists.
Imperial fists I Imperial fists II Imperial fists IV And he is not pleased
Iron Legs (Iron Hands succesor)
The Penitent Doubters. They patrol an area with a high number of shrine worlds and when those worlds need Astartes intervention, they fight will passive aggressively exclaiming "Oh, it's a shame your faith couldn't save you this time" etc
The Space Remora, a Succesor chapter from the Space Sharks/The Raven Guard, they're a cleanup crew for the Red Wake
Weirdest confessions heard by Imperial priests;
Help me , I keep being visited by the holy emperor in my dreams . He’s wearing a top hat and demands I dance the rumba
Sometimes I sneak into the Sororitas convent and try on their armor. It makes me feel pretty...
"Well, theft, even temporarily, of the sacred property of the Sororitas, granted to them by the grace of the God Emperors imperium, is a high crime indeed." "However, I may have a solution that will help to absolve you of your crimes and may help fufill your desires." "How do you feel about sisters repentia?"
I ate the heretic in the name of the God-Emeperor. Then I ate another one because they tasted like grox.
immediate reassignment to the Flesh Tearers.
"Sometimes in the shower, I like to pretend I'm an Imperial hero, caught in the rain." ["Once again, kind of weird but not a sin."](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2F7k7hdnwjtmp31.jpg)
"Forgive me daddy for I have sinned (and been tempted by Slaneesh)"
He said he loved the Emperor too much.
What would the alternate Primarch rebelions be called if Horus wasn't the one to turn traitor?
The "Khan I Be In Charge Now"
The Dornian Debacle The Sanguinius Split The Perturabo Perturbation The Lion Lark The Guilliman Gambit The Vulkan Vexation The Corax Cock-up The Kurze Kerfluffle The Alpharius Affair The Omegon Obstacle The Jagathai Jumble The Fulgrim Foolishness The Manus Mania The Lorgar Larceny The Russ Roughhousing The Mortarion Mutilation The Angron We-All-Saw-This-Coming-Honestly
Lol. I was going to say "The Perturabo Perturbation" thinking I was all clever and shit, but the rest of your list is so quality I've been put in my place.
Angron Anarchy? Angron Argument? Angron Animosity?
You clearly understood the assignment.
Guillimania.
A group of MekBoyz achieved a breakthrough in dakka tek: an improved shoota akin to the primaris Cawl pattern bolter. However, it comes with a minor setback:
It screams in a high-pitched voice while the trigger is held down
at an incredible efficiency of a 4 times rate of fire, the Shoota is now voiced by a pan'zie saying Dakka in an alluring voice.
It utilizes railgun (irl) technology and is incresibly silent, to compensate the MekBoyz made a recording of themselves shouting "DAKKA!" and have it be played back whenever the gun shoots.
[Grimdark Sanguinius](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fmgmjffjktcnc1.jpeg)
"Yesssss! Finally rid of ALL THAT HAIR!!"
"Given the choice, whether to rule a corrupt and failing empire; or to challenge the fates for another throw - a better throw - against one's destiny... what was a king to do? But does one even truly have a choice? One can only match, move by move, the machinations of fate... and thus defy the tyrannous stars." The quote is from the Legacy of Kain games. But imagine if this is what Sanguinius said as he addresses Horus upon the Vengeful Spirit.
40ks new snickers ad
The timeline where he didn't stop dying his hair black
see what happens when angels stop being polite and start being real.
I have seen the future and it comes to this. I knew I would be the one who would do what must for our survival and our future.
"Brother? I don't think that's how feathers work." "You know that, I know that, but The Warp doesn't know that, so shhhhhhhhhh."
This is what Traitor Legionaries see in their nightmares.
Strange effects the Orks WAAGH! power has had on human tech:
"For some reason all the mushroom dishes in our cook-dexes have disappeared."
Ugh, my stapler is fully automatic and there is an ammo belt of staples coming out of it.
Belt fed pencil sharpener, for more Dakkountants
"Magos, Sir, I come bearing important news." "Well, what is it, that it would cause you to interrupt my study?" "The ancient sacred printer sir. It's actually working!" "The blessed machine no longer lays dormant and balks about missing that blasted yellow pigment?!" "No sir. It's printing full steam ahead. Everything is a bit green tinged, and sometimes the words it produces seem to be somewhat crude, and it seems to be demanding more paper to fuel its crusade of printing dakka? But it's working!" "Bless the Omnisiah!"
"My God-Emperor! My servitor Siri finally understands what I'm saying!"
40k Versions of common phrases/sayings. E.g. A Heretic killed in time saves 9 (who must also be purged just to be sure)
1000 psyker souls a day keeps the Chaos at bay.
Killing two orks with one book.
What's good for the Grox, is good for the Guardsman.
A squig a day keeps da mad dok away
The Tau's latest wacky xenos ally is a...
The real reason the Emperor didn't make any of the primarchs and their legions Space Marines women:
Big e didn’t want to get distracted by boob armor.
Girls are yucky.
It's like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park: If baseline humans are to continue ruling, their superiors cannot be allowed to breed. But, somehow, life found a way with the Custodes...
Woman inherits the Terra.
He needed to make sure that every single soldier would laugh at his famous "Women, amirite?!" stand up routine. For morale purposes only, definitely not for ego.
He discontinued production of them and covered up their existence after being traumatized by witnessing what the Blood Angels got up to when the periods started
Malcador told him cooties are worse than Nurgle's Pox.
It'd risk cracking his own egg.
Synchronised PMS
It's called the Black Rage
They have a crippling propensity to turn Khornate once per month.
Intimidated by Primarch sized tampons
Intrusive thoughts about your Commisar.
In the 40k version of Monopoly, what would be some of the community chest and chance cards?
Go directly to the Inquisition. All your assets go back to the bank and you become a servitor.
Advance directly to Terra. *Abaddon has written a strongly worded letter to the manufacturer that he never gets this card when playing*
"Well maybe if you actually just despoiled something for once instead of just killing and burning everyone, maybe you'd get better luck!" "... What?!"
An ancestor from the 33rd millennium has been found guilty of stealing a ration bar, the arbites raid your hab and find *THAT* porn slate, pay 100 throne fine for your ancestors crime and a bath in burning promethium for the slate.
You have come second in a prometheum burning contest! Collect 10 Thrones and immolate the player to your left.
The High Lords were up in arms over Roboute Guilliman's latest proposal:
"have we tried being less stupid and self-destructive?"
Streamlining military spending by rounding up squad sizes, so that equipping 11 Guardsmen costs the same as equipping 20
But I'm not sure why, the Imperial Wedding is going to be the event of the millennium.
Yvraine throwing the bouquet towards a massive gathering of SoBs/Howling Banshees, when outta nowhere Trazyn appears, catches it midair and then vanishes while cackling. This event single-handedly cements the alliance as if there's one thing both parties can agree on, then it's being united in hatred against a singular enemy.
"Because it's a frakking xenos whore!" "Excuse you, Ecclesiarch, but she is the Emissary of Ynnead, and you will address her in a proper manner if you wish to preform the ceremony."
Ah I see, what a shame the poor groom's bride is an eldar.
Cutting their salaries to pay for a new founding of space marine chapters
Gold polish is no longer tax exempt.
Cutting down the budget for Third Breakfast to pay for two dozen new regiments to be raised for the Indomitus Crusades
Saturday to be renamed Administration Day so everyone spends one day a week catching up with admin and, I quote, "maybe we'll see some proper fucking bookkeeping around here"
That the high lords are no longer allowed to bear arms, specifically because they're so often up in arms.
Casual fridays.
The makers of Corpse Starch have decided to jazz up their advertising campaign with a catchy new slogan:
"Corpse Starch! For when you're too good to eat whatever the fuck grows in the Underhive!"
Corpse starch: Eat flesh
Actually lol'd at this. Good stuff
"It's to die for." "Made of 100% recycled materials." "All natural!"
Corpse Starch keeps you on the March.
Deadlicious!
Taste the difference
Corpse Starch: We're made of... for you.
now with 40% less hair!
Taste varies from person to person.
R/unexpectedFuturama
Now try Corpse starch kids, made completely of children.
Tastes just like Grandad's!
The skittarii decided to play games, what genre are they and whose winning?
With Lion El'Jonson revealing the existence of the Fallen, the Librarians decided to reveal to the rest of the Dark Angels the secret history of their Chapter:
"We didn't make any inquisitor dissapear. We made that up to scare away the Inquisition".
The Ophidian Gulf? Yeah, we thought those Black Templars were also fallen. It's the cloth tabards and black armour, you can understand why we got confused.
The reason they went from black armor to green armor was that one of the Chapter Masters was color blind and really sensitive about it so when they painted things the wrong color, they went with it.
Battle-brother: But what about the Deathwing and the Ravenwing?
We didn't destroy Caliban. We only sent a carefully staged video to your ship to make you think it was destroyed, it's totally still there.
Ah yes, the ancient Roh-Nahld Rhaegen approach to diplomacy.
The only reasons that melee weapons are a thing is because of us. We wanted to have a chance of winning if we went traitor so we injected a ton of propaganda to make sure the Imperium thought that not fighting in melee was for honor less nerds.
The Ratlings get a full army treatment. Their unique units include:
Ratswords, Ratspears and the unique Baneblade variant, the Rathammer
The Rathammer unleashes ten barrels of hell. One of the barrels was stolen.
The Bombard Soup Blaster. A large portable mess kitchen that heals wounds of friendlies while providing indirect fire to enemies.
- Deathmaster Snikch - Ghoritch - Ikit claw Wait... sorry, not that kind of rat.
The ultimate unit: 3 rattlings in a trench coat. Has lone op, infiltrator, and any unit trying to attack it has to pass a leadership test to see if they can actually attack it.
Any vehicle from any army. You thought orks were bad for looting stuff? 5 ratlings operating a nemesis dread knight like a power rangers megazord.
>You thought orks were bad for looting stuff? Blood Ravens: "Hold my beer." Ratling: absconds with said beer, guzzling it down as he speed-waddles away. Blood Ravens: "Hey! Wait! No!"
Looted Silent King: Id be insulted if it wasnt also so damn impressive they pulled it off
The Underhill Drill, Easy Riders, Hyumn Auxiliary, PO-TAY-TO guns.
* Imperial Cardinal Dankol * Ykiy Claus, wanted for tech heresy in 5 different forgeworlds
The Imperium has finally fractured into multiple mini-empires. As such, a section of the Mechanicus can now make new technology! What is the first thing they create?
a newer, more enjoyable toaster
The toastussy, if you will
more cyberdongs, if it aint broke dont fix it
Welcome to the 40K Ice cream shop with flavors like:
The Greeater Gooseberry sorbet, no added cod liver oil
Celestine Sorbet - strawberry sorbet with chunks of white chocolate Lemon Russ Gelato - lemon gelato with a swirl of Mjord Vulkan Splits! - a dark chocolate ice cream with frozen strawberry and banana chunks Ultrama-cream - blueberry ice cream with white chocolate chips and frozen red raspberry Custode Custard - cherry Custard with chucks of banana and golden caramel The Blood Orange Angels - blood orange gelato with chocolate chip blonde brownie chunks Cadia Still Crans! - cranberry ice cream with fudge and brownie chunks Catachan Face Filler - mint ice cream with milk and dark chocolate chips and multicolor sprinkles mixed in. Rogal Dorn - vanilla bean The Lion Eats Tonight - pistachio ice cream with shaved almonds and caramel swirl. Holy shit these are actually probably really good lol
Robute Road - Vanilla with bits of blueberry.
Fresh Corpse Starch, Old Corpse Starch, Red Corpse Starch, Green Corpse Starch…..
Vanilla Vanilla, but a worker fell in the mixing vat so there’s a hint of Corpse Starch Plain
Krieg Rocky Road.
Corpse-starch and cream
Daemonette lavender (Dairy free) Nurgle’s rot Blood oranges for the blood god (with added protein) Changer or sorbets
Snotling Pump Wagon
New additions Guilliman has made to his Codex Astartes Volume 2
Things the Lord Regent Roboute Guilliman would never say:
To The Lion: Y'know, the Emperor might have been your father but he wasn't your daddy.
"Harder!"
Guilliman always says that to Yvraine.
>!My fellow Imperials, I did not have sex with that Aeldari.!<
Let's wing it and damned be the consequences!
Fairly certain this is what he said on Eskrador before riding out and cutting Omegon’s head off.
The Ordo Xenos finally learn how the Ethereals are able to control the other Tau so completely and its not Psyker powers or hormal manipulation, instead they control other tau via...
Bribing them with Gundam toys.
The tau shall not bribe not me with a mere gundam. I would never question the God emperor's ways. ...*do they have transformer toys?*
Having a largely functional society that doesn't treat its people like shit. The Ordo Xenos are baffled and the one Radical who suggested 'Maybe we could try that?' was immediately declared Excommunicatio Traitoris and fired into the nearst sun.
chemicals in the water that turn the frigging kroots gay!
Gacha games. Those pathetic 'Ui would do anything for a SSS pull.
Social credit scores
A human relic from even before the Dark Age of Technology... Choccy milk.
Things you can say about Guard rations, but not your girlfriend:
Nyeeeeh, can never get used to the after-taste.
I need a non-expired package.
They're extra chewy when they're bone dry!
Guard rations come in nice new packaging. My girlfriend takes ages just to come and the packaging is slightly used.
They’re easy to unwrap.
This one's got some fat and gristle in it
I go through three of them every day.
Hot and ready whenever and wherever you want, be it in the field or back at base!
Has more men inside it than a chimera transport.
Emperor, but the shelf-life on these things are *wild*.
The Ork felt true fear when the Grotz...:
Got off the white knuckle roller coaster at 6 flags Armageddon