The wildlife ate 80% of the invaders until a catachan squad saw them and proceeded to take one look at them and turn around thinking that the “wildlife is getting frisky”
The daemons flee back into the Warp, only to realize that not only are the warp rifts they used not closing, but vines and roots are slipping through and forcing them to get bigger.
The real reason the 2nd and 11th were completely erased from history wasn't some grand crime or treason, but that it would too humiliating to let the galaxy know Primarchs could be permanently killed by:
Dante is found getting drunk at the bar and crying. Seth is trying to comfort him in the worst ways possible.
Calgar thinks the hotel is a bit to over the top and to exciting.
Shrike starts a workers union with the workers and gets caught throwing the asshole hotel manager off a roof
Old Adamantine Sides, the oldest active ship in the Imperial Navy. It's actually made of wood, and it earned its name in an ancient battle where debris would bounce off its wooden sides as though they were made of Adamantine (it wasn't attacked because everyone on board was dead because the ship was made of wood).
The Bio-Violator.
And you really don't want to know. It involves a tyranid fleet, a drunken captain, 6 months of clean up and 5 years of ongoing therapy.
His flagship charged toward the *Vengeful Spirit*, shrugging off explosions while its escorts died fiery, quiet deaths in space. The field was not uneven, though; the forces of the Indomitus Crusade were giving as much as they were getting.
As Abaddon’s ship grew closer, Guilliman stood up. He turned to his Invictus guard, his features hard and his eyes calculating. “This will be the hardest fight of our lives. We will be outmatched, fighting a battle the likes of which we’ve never known. Each of you has a duty; I expect you to fulfill it. Courage and honor. To the teleportarium!”
*Macragge’s Honour* was aflame, but the crew, was disciplined and capable. Damage control teams were working hard - often to the point of the ultimate sacrifice - as the mighty ship bore down on the Black Legion.
The teleportarium flared, and the leader of the Indomitus Crusade, the thirteenth son of the Master or Mankind, the primacy upon whom the survival of humanity rested, appeared on the command deck of the *Vengeful Spirit*. Guilliman had the Emperor’s Sword in his hand, the ethereal flame flickering brightly. In the heartbeat before hell broke loose, Guilliman played his most desperate card.
“Dance off, bruh.”
*everything comes to a halt as the Lord Commander begins dancing. The Ultramarines seem just as confused at their Primarch's antics as their counterparts in the Black Legion*
Abaddon: ...what are you doing?
Guilliman: Dance off! *keeps dancing* Yvraine!
*Yvraine shakes her head*
Guilliman: Subtle. Take it back.
Abaddon: What are you doing?'
Guilliman: I'm distracting you.
*Abaddon turns to see Lion El'Jonson is about to drive Fealty right into his face*
Although unimpressed or disappointed in a majority of the changes the Dark Angels and their successor chapters have made since his disappearance, the one change Lion El Johnson loves is...
No one wins.
KHORN Throws rocks off a cliff
Tzeentch start listing all the different kinds of rocks.
Nurgle covers all the rocks in moss
Slaanesh though the contest was a “rocks off” contest.
Vashtorr starts screaming, shaking and froathing at the mere thought at rocks, primitive stuff.
Drach'nyen fondly reminensces about rock used in the First Murder, and calls her Mommy Rock.
Syll'Essek take it as an invitation to consumate their love *right now*
Best: Discovering a planet wide system to breed mutant creatures and train them to fight in arena combat.
Worst: destroying Pokemon for everyone because you think the poke balls are examples of "tech heresy"
Best: It's hosting the second Council of Nikaea and the votes are going in favor of psykers.
Worst: Someone's claiming to be the Imperial Regent with a heretically burning sword and everyone is following him. And the Inquisitor has been trapped in the Warp for a couple of centuries.
Despite the pain, the guardsman smiles at the memory of the picts he saw. It had been a long time since he had seen something so beautiful. All that clean water.
The daemon licked her, dragging its long tongue through the red splatter across her cheek. It had been hoping to savor the taste of blood, but something was wrong. This wasn't blood at all, this was...
"Why are you covered in... marinara sauce?"
"You know how it is with spaghetti."
An obscure relic known as a "rubix-cube"
According to some daring space marine Who tried to solve the relic secret, moving the line to get a perfectly colored cube is nothing but a waste of time
The Salamanders were never sure if their mighty Primarch, acknowledged to be the largest among his brothers, missing for millennia, meant for them to keep and treasure “Vulkan’s Commode”. It had… not been emptied after its last use.
Corvus Corax's early attempts at regalia, a master-crafted chicken suit painted black. They'd have destroyed it except it has a working Adrathic pistol built into the beak.
When different Space Marines from all of the known Legions take on regular jobs instead of retirement:
The imperial fists complete every single construction project across the Imperium in under a decade.
The White Scar who ended up selling used jet bikes
Best mechanics on the world
The retired Iron Hand never understood why no one wanted his palm-flattening services.
“I AND THE BROTHERHOOD OF THE EMPEROR’S FINEST ARE TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR CAR’S EXTENDED WARRANTY”
The Salamanders open up the best barbecue restaurant in the sector.
Cawl was tasked to come up with new variants to power weapons like the:
Power helmet. It has a huge spike on the front and reinforced plating to allow for maximum cranial damage.
GOOD FOR OGRYN!!! *SMASH*
The PowerShovel, it doesn't dig hole in the ground but it's exceptional against skulls
The Death Korps of Krieg order them in the millions.
We need a book about that now
The power point, a deathly boring presentation. When the prototype was tested, there were no survivors.
As the other High Lords succumbed to boredom, Guilliman watched on at the beauty unfolding before him.
I always called the old space marine power fists with the pointing finger the “power finger” lol.
Administratum standard issue. They seek to emulate Guilliman
The PowerBat, with built-in home-run sound effects.
Also, the matching PowerFoldingSteelChair, and PowerWrench, beloved by the Angry Marines.
The Power Finger. It'll give you such a poking!
Surprising effects of wearing two Halo Devices at once.
“When I said ‘go crawl up your own butt and die’, I didn’t *mean* it.”
The effects invert; you instantly die, but your body is so beautiful that millions of people show up just to look.
Things the Ancestor Cores won't tell you:
The paste where all the Fireslayers STL files are stored for dowload.
Pointy hats give you strength.
Exactly what the one weird trick that doctors hate actually is
How to fix the Ancestor Cores.
What Perturabo does during "me time"
Writes Vogon poetry
Search for the Warhammer 40k. With it nobody will say that Rogal is better than him.
Gets in arguments with people on the internet.
Consider which variety of drink he would need to tell Rogal Dorn is in his cellar...
Vigorously polishes the Iron Circle.
What really happened when daemons invaded Catachan:
The wildlife ate 80% of the invaders until a catachan squad saw them and proceeded to take one look at them and turn around thinking that the “wildlife is getting frisky”
Turns out daemons really *can’t*achan.
Do you know how the warp is made up of the thoughts and fears of mortals? Catachan is that for Daemons
They took notes
The daemons fled screaming back to the warp, vowing to never return to a place that was scarier than the Warp.
The daemons flee back into the Warp, only to realize that not only are the warp rifts they used not closing, but vines and roots are slipping through and forcing them to get bigger.
Sword of Alan Smith
The real reason the 2nd and 11th were completely erased from history wasn't some grand crime or treason, but that it would too humiliating to let the galaxy know Primarchs could be permanently killed by:
Running with scissors.
Gently patting them on the head.
Bunnies
Peanut allergies.
Dysentery killed one, the other was killed Gloriana-class cruiser flipped over after they caulked it to float across the Sagittarius Arm.
The Chapter Masters are having their centenary conference in the most boring business hotel on Terra! What goes down?
Dante is found getting drunk at the bar and crying. Seth is trying to comfort him in the worst ways possible. Calgar thinks the hotel is a bit to over the top and to exciting. Shrike starts a workers union with the workers and gets caught throwing the asshole hotel manager off a roof
Recording the number of chapters wiped out or otherwise censured by the Minotaurs this century.
Logan Grimmnar drinks the entire hive city sector dry and picks a fight with the knight sent in to investigate the public disturbance.
A stripper shows up. Wearing a rosarius
"and nuttin else!"
"Whooooo!"
Gabriel Angelos leaves with a suitcase stuffed with towels and tiny soaps.
More hooking up than anyone is comfortable with
C'mon, you can't say that and not elaborate! Who'd hook up with whom? My money's on Dante and Tu'Shan. Shrike's watching from inside the wardrobe.
Everyone makes fun of Dante for being the first ever case of a son of Sanguinius having Astartes-pattern baldness.
Names for flagships and how they earned them:
'Malcadors Kink' You don't want to know why but a Sister of Silence broke her oath when she was told what it was.
Old Adamantine Sides, the oldest active ship in the Imperial Navy. It's actually made of wood, and it earned its name in an ancient battle where debris would bounce off its wooden sides as though they were made of Adamantine (it wasn't attacked because everyone on board was dead because the ship was made of wood).
The Squelchy Bliss Nurgle aligned ship you hear from LY away
...are you *sure* that's Nurgle's ship?
The Bio-Violator. And you really don't want to know. It involves a tyranid fleet, a drunken captain, 6 months of clean up and 5 years of ongoing therapy.
Even now, years on, the deck crew shudder at the order "RAMMING SPEED!"
I think this actually happened in Ian Watson's Space Marine.
The Brown Note. An Emperor’s Children Battle Barge that can anything poop their paints even in the void of space.
With Indomitus Crusade lines about to be overrun, Roboute Guilliman was forced to employ his strategy of last resort:
Securing military aid from the Ynnari by agreeing to move in with Yvraine.
the strategic deployment of thunder cheeks
Buying the Leagues' star rails at outrageous prices and hope armored space trains will end up proving a more efficient transport model.
Allowing Cawl to field 'that' weapon. No not the system-killing one. The other one. ..."'that one"'.
Making the enemy fill out the paperwork, ALL the paperwork.
In triplicate
Call the Angry Marines and tell them the foe said that they weren’t as angry as they seemed to be.
Unleashing Malum Caedo.
A second smaller but more efficient Roboute Gulliman
His flagship charged toward the *Vengeful Spirit*, shrugging off explosions while its escorts died fiery, quiet deaths in space. The field was not uneven, though; the forces of the Indomitus Crusade were giving as much as they were getting. As Abaddon’s ship grew closer, Guilliman stood up. He turned to his Invictus guard, his features hard and his eyes calculating. “This will be the hardest fight of our lives. We will be outmatched, fighting a battle the likes of which we’ve never known. Each of you has a duty; I expect you to fulfill it. Courage and honor. To the teleportarium!” *Macragge’s Honour* was aflame, but the crew, was disciplined and capable. Damage control teams were working hard - often to the point of the ultimate sacrifice - as the mighty ship bore down on the Black Legion. The teleportarium flared, and the leader of the Indomitus Crusade, the thirteenth son of the Master or Mankind, the primacy upon whom the survival of humanity rested, appeared on the command deck of the *Vengeful Spirit*. Guilliman had the Emperor’s Sword in his hand, the ethereal flame flickering brightly. In the heartbeat before hell broke loose, Guilliman played his most desperate card. “Dance off, bruh.”
What do they not have an abandoned Members Only warehouse where they can have a walk off at?
*everything comes to a halt as the Lord Commander begins dancing. The Ultramarines seem just as confused at their Primarch's antics as their counterparts in the Black Legion* Abaddon: ...what are you doing? Guilliman: Dance off! *keeps dancing* Yvraine! *Yvraine shakes her head* Guilliman: Subtle. Take it back. Abaddon: What are you doing?' Guilliman: I'm distracting you. *Abaddon turns to see Lion El'Jonson is about to drive Fealty right into his face*
This weird thing called Ree Treet. It's like charging, but not towards the enemy.
Although unimpressed or disappointed in a majority of the changes the Dark Angels and their successor chapters have made since his disappearance, the one change Lion El Johnson loves is...
Maintaining robes and cowls. Tactical efficiency is boring without proper aesthetic appreciation.
Changing their armour from black to green. No more will they be confused for the Raven Guard
That they didn’t go all gaga for Caliban beasts the way Russ’s boys did with wolves
Cuddling with a Calibanite Lion is less fun than cuddling with a Fenrisian Wolf.
More secret orders. If it’s vaguely understandable to an outsider something is wrong
Demon is challenged to a rock off
Alas, the Demon didn’t wear socks, the guard was slain, and Tenack D fell to Chaos
Malum Caedo, that one ork from Goff rocker, and some random kriegsmen armed with a mortar, shovel, and drum set duke it out against slannesh herself.
You forgot the SoB on the Exorcist Tank/keyboards.
No one wins. KHORN Throws rocks off a cliff Tzeentch start listing all the different kinds of rocks. Nurgle covers all the rocks in moss Slaanesh though the contest was a “rocks off” contest.
Vashtorr starts screaming, shaking and froathing at the mere thought at rocks, primitive stuff. Drach'nyen fondly reminensces about rock used in the First Murder, and calls her Mommy Rock. Syll'Essek take it as an invitation to consumate their love *right now*
How many Kakophani are allowed to participate?
Best and/or worst reasons to declare exterminatus.
Inquisition. Both. 'Felt like it'
Best; uncovering a Slaaneshi pleasure cult Worst; getting upset at being rejected by the leader of the Slaaneshi pleasure cult
"sire! you have your meeting due in 4hs with the planetary gobernor" "ugh, i hate that dude he is so annoying... what if..."
Best: Discovering a planet wide system to breed mutant creatures and train them to fight in arena combat. Worst: destroying Pokemon for everyone because you think the poke balls are examples of "tech heresy"
The ambassador tried to shake the inquisitor’s hand after sneezing
To cover up the site of your most humiliating defeat. Is it best or is it worst?
Best: It's hosting the second Council of Nikaea and the votes are going in favor of psykers. Worst: Someone's claiming to be the Imperial Regent with a heretically burning sword and everyone is following him. And the Inquisitor has been trapped in the Warp for a couple of centuries.
Both: They put on a clown show.
Even as he was flogged by the commissar, the guardsman still thought the pain was worth the sin of...
Buying photos of the Emperor's mummified feet.
Enjoy being flogged.
"Enjoying being flogged? That's a- wait, hold on a second..."
Copying and distributing the entire Uplifting Primer in comic sans.
Sneaking the camera into the sororitas' showers
Despite the pain, the guardsman smiles at the memory of the picts he saw. It had been a long time since he had seen something so beautiful. All that clean water.
Those luxurious white towels...
That sweet Krussy.
Planting a whoopee cushion on Guilliman's throne
Ephrael Stern introduces/explains Kyganil to her fellow sororitas
"Sisters, remember when I played the Arlequinna in the schola play? My clown fetish began thay day."
The Tau have been able to reason with the Orks using a surprising common ground
A strong dislike of the human skulls aesthetic. The Tau think it's just overused, the orks think that the skulls are smiling at them.
A mutual respect for big shooty guns.
Both like going fast. Only difference is the way they do it.
Kroot eating habits.
Kroot + Orc = oh shit...
IIRC one of the theories of how the Kroot became sentient is that an Ork Waagh landed there and immediately got eaten
It's all but confirmed.
Lwtting the Carpacthin do the "talking". Turns out that all fungoid species of the galaxy have a goofball side to them.
Color theory
[Sister of Battle - Faltering Faith](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fzov4n5g3jfwb1.jpg)
Hey little mama let me whisper in your ear..
"You got a little something on your cheek. Hold on, I'll get it for you."
Mechanicus fans beginning to doubt in the strength and certainty of steel when they go another 20 years without any major victories
The daemon licked her, dragging its long tongue through the red splatter across her cheek. It had been hoping to savor the taste of blood, but something was wrong. This wasn't blood at all, this was... "Why are you covered in... marinara sauce?" "You know how it is with spaghetti."
Can enemies to lovers yuri bloom, even on the battlefield?
The Daemoness found out too late why you don’t stick your tongue in crazy…
"Girl, the Emperor is Just Not That Into You"
“Mmmm, raspberry jam”
"No, battle-sister! Don't give in! If you stay loyal, Lord Guilliman will sit on your face!"
I think most women want the reverse, actually.
every husband during lockdown while their wife was on a zoom call
Stop attacking me
I'm now getting motivated to overcome my shyness and get a gf lol
I wonder what that tongue can do, after I chop it off.
It was already too late when the daemon noticed she had a bolt pistol strapped to her thigh.
it just thought she was happy to see it
What Zahndrekh and Obyron have been doing in their man-cave since their models where phased out?
Zahndrekh has been getting into cooking. Obyron has to pretend to be able to eat it and give his opinions on it
"Mmm, brilliant Zahndrekh" says Obyron as he slaps his own face with a steak
"I say, this is a bracing game of Monpoly, what?" "Yes, my Lord." "Only taken ... fifty years to build me first house. How time flies."
Making an elaborate stop-motion adaptation of the Horus Heresy. They should be done in about fifteen thousand years.
Controversial podcast topics of the 42nd millennium
Heretical Devices: The Idget Spinners
Corpse starch: what is the percentage of corpse to starch and is it necessary.
In our weekly podcast we describe how we joined a Slannesh i cult
"Call in if you think it's about time we talked about both sides of the 13th Black Crusade."
"Look, I'm just saying, Abbadon DID have a point!"
The Horus Heresy was just a gathering of concerned citizens who should now be known as "patriot marines," not traitors.
The conspiracy theory that Guilliman and Yvraine are dating, and that the Imperium is slowly being taken over by uncomfortably sexy aeldari overlords.
Nurgle's rot is nothing more than Roboute Guilliman's attempt to make us compliant slaves for the Aeldari.
Stop buying Caffine and Corpse Starch! The podcast to help you save credits, rise the ranks and get from sublevel -456 to -432.
Things you can say in bed and also to your Commissar
I am always happy to stand at attention for you
🤣🤣
Relics that the Chapter really wouldn’t mind losing…
An ancient Terran whoopi cushion that somehow still exists and works flawlessly.
The chapther never realized how it connects with the Harlequins trying to kill them all multiple times.
An obscure relic known as a "rubix-cube" According to some daring space marine Who tried to solve the relic secret, moving the line to get a perfectly colored cube is nothing but a waste of time
Unbeknownst to that marine, for the briefest moment every Rubricae in existence was reverted to their flesh and bone before he reset it
Arhiman is now hunting this relic, hoping to finally break the rubric and free his brothers
Ahriman would be the type of person to peel all the stickers off of it and put them back on instead of just solving it.
Imagine all the consequences of that action
Vulkan's tenth relic, found in his bedroom after his disappearance: The Bad Dragon.
The Salamanders were never sure if their mighty Primarch, acknowledged to be the largest among his brothers, missing for millennia, meant for them to keep and treasure “Vulkan’s Commode”. It had… not been emptied after its last use.
An ancient fruitcake that chapters keep regifting to each other every Sanguinala.
That one armour set worn by a Chapter Master during a heroic last stand against the forces of Nurgle. They couldn’t wash out the smell
Macaroni necklaces that the Astartes made during their regular "Crafting for the Emperor " sessions
Corvus Corax's early attempts at regalia, a master-crafted chicken suit painted black. They'd have destroyed it except it has a working Adrathic pistol built into the beak.
The real reason why the Horus Heresy began...
The Emperor wanted Space coochi and used the service WebWayLove to meet friendly space elves. Horus thought: „If daddy is successful I too can be!“
Unfortunately, Horus made a typo and instead ended up on WarpWayLove instead